Thank you for your words.
The journey, as expected, is a bit bumpy. I have days, that I feel great, but sometimes even very little stress is able to kick me off balance, and I drop in dark thoughts. It takes me a while to 'ground' and put myself together to be able to think reasonably and look for solutions. But it worries me (and annoys) and also exhausts, those mood swings, loose of focus and problems with memory. I talked to my GP about some of this last week, and this week we will do a MH assessment, to see what exactly we are dealing with (anxiety, depression, trauma, or something else?) and what treatment path should I look for.
And as much as currently the past does not seem to be such a big issue, after all, it happened already, I cannot change anything, it just makes me very sad. And I know now is completely different, different places, different people. And when I cannot really change overnight the way I think, or erase or improve my reactions to certain situations, I guess understanding the reasons behind some of it was a key to get better, at least for me.
I think one good thing what happened is that I realised, I have to stop comparing myself to others. I might never be as good/strong/successful as they are, but I found that I actually want to do things just because I like it, not to prove anything to anyone, or because there is a goal to achieve. And I feel I am actually pretty good at what I can do. So I let myself to slow down a bit, though I know that there is this very thin line, that could lead to the state of "I don't care about anything", which I am not willing to cross. So e.g. even if I don't feel like going to my training, I still go, sit and observe, just to be there and feel somehow connected. And this 'passive' presence is also a way of learning, so it is not completely pointless.
But there is also a scary bit. I realised, that what keeps me going are my husband and kids. If they were to suddenly disappear, right now I don't think I would have enough strength or will to even bother. I know it is heavy and worrisome, but I also know that I need to learn some kind of emotional independence and find something for myself. And I want to. I know this will take time and will be quite a challenge, but I also thought of a temporary back up, that if anything were to happen, I need to have a pet (dog or cat, or both), because I know that my sense of responsibility would not let me leave it behind.