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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / The day I lost my soul

Topic: The day I lost my soul

  1. Learn to Fly
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    10 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403,

    Take your time.

    All in good time and your time. And you will know when it’s a good time because you will feel comfortable in opening a crack about yourself.

    It’s very difficult to try to find a person whom you can fully trust. Do we really really have to, though? Sorry, I should probably re-phrase: it’s great and extremely helpful to have at least one person you can fully trust. But I sometimes I feel like there is this pressure these days to open up as soon as the first impression is over and spill your insides out. I don’t know if the thing has its roots in the society watching too many reality shows which give us a fake sense of reality and fake values and beliefs. Dunno.

    Anyway, I think you are making a great start by reaching out here. No pressure. No judgement. People here are always going to appreciate your comments and coming back. People who care. I do believe this might help you loosen up a bit in contacts with others.
    Take care there.

  2. therising
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    10 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    While reading your posts my heart breaks for you. I have so much respect for people like yourself who do the jobs that few of us could tolerate. They're the jobs that keep the rest of us safe, performed under intolerable conditions we rarely ever hear about. If we heard about them on a regular basis, I imagine we'd be both horrified and traumatised in a variety of ways.

    I imagine you've asked yourself many questions over the years, on you quest for better understanding human nature, trying to make sense of it. A couple of the things I wonder about, myself: What leads to the worst in human nature and why can we be so starved at times when it comes to facing the best? Such starvation can be mind altering. On the forums here, I cannot help but often see the best in human nature - those who are striving, working so hard to better understand themselves, those who wish for advice on how to help someone they know who is suffering, those who cannot tolerate a lack of feeling a connection to life and come here to find one, those whose need to vent is so great that they trust the inspiration that leads them here and those who come here simply to make some positive difference others. Here, there is the best.

    I can't help but wonder whether part of the reason for not wanting to make a connection with people comes down to not wanting to face the so called 'worst' in a potential partner. What I mean is...we can be going great with someone we've just met, when somewhere down the track they show us a side that may be deeply challenging. It could be a side that is seriously closed minded, when we truly desperately need them to be open minded. It could be the thoughtless ranter in them who has a go with some cruel comment, used as deeply wounding ammunition. I can't help but wonder whether you're sick of finding the worst in people. Could it also be a matter of you don't trust them to show you nothing but the best?

    I find the best in someone when they are brave enough to express their vulnerable side, when their sensitivity becomes outstanding. For someone in this case to find the best in their partner - the best open minded listener, the best supporter, the best giver of themself (to another) - is something well deserved.

    Do you know who it is you're looking for? Could it be someone who holds the ability to bring out the best in you, amongst the pain? Sometimes I find the best in people does not disappear, it simply goes into hiding.

    Take care

    1 person found this helpful
  3. therising
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    15 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    While our histories are extremely different, with yours being far more mind altering, I could not help but think of you the other day when triggered into overwhelming sadness.

    While having a conversation with a friend about making a constructive difference in the life of someone we know, she implied that I was being ridiculous leading me to feel low level ridicule. At first, I felt anger towards her but after dropping her home, I found myself sobbing for most of the day in the kind of way where you feel like a part of you has died. I remember my years in depression and this moment felt like the depths. I couldn't figure out why such a basic conversation could have such an enormous impact. I should add the fact that I'd had people around me, in the lead up to this event, who'd been testing me in a number of ways. Perhaps this was the final straw.

    It was when my epiphany came that I thought of you.

    I realise, in that moment where I was triggered, I felt like this friend had stolen a part of the best in me. She was taking away my ability to see the best or the potential in another. She was taking away my ability to make a difference in this world or to that person I mentioned. You could say it felt like as though I was a child being robbed of the kind of innocence and optimism that leads them to see the potential in this world. It's like when this child is left feeling like a fool in what feels like a wake up call to reality, such a reality being 'The world is truly a horrible place and I'm too trusting. I'm an idiot'. When looking at the lead up to this trigger, I saw I'd been robbed of a sense of peace, a sense of happiness and a sense of seeing the best in this world. No one did this intentionally, it was simply that the people in my life were all experiencing challenges in their own life. Should add, I don't feel this from the forums here, it's more so with the people among family, friends and where I work.

    I cannot help but wonder whether you sometimes feel that people have stolen pieces of you, the best in you. Are there moments of rage, the injustice, and moments of grief, the loss? Do you find there is also fear, that you will never remember your natural self, the best in you? Are there moments where you think 'I will never let another person steal the best in me. I now trust no one'?

    It was the next day that I was triggered to think of someone who always raises my consciousness and spirits. I connected with them. It was mind altering.

  4. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to therising

    All I wanted was a family of my own, and I feel that my ex wife....who rushed me into a quick marriage/pregnancy knowing too well I was very unwell too only walk out in a day for another guy less than 2 years in robbed me of that oppurtunity.

    I read a post the other day on the forums, about a guy with his family...and he does everything he needs to support his wife and kids financially and keeping them safe...doing what it is socially expected...but stating he feels nothing for them....he interacts with them but feels nothing.

    That is exactly how I feel to my own children and anyone that comes into my life now.

    I interact with them, do what I need to....but i feel nothing. If they leave now its like okay....and i just go on now like nothings happened.

    Theres no enjoyment, no happiness and I dont think of a future or future happiness....i just exist. I expect them to leave, and make no effort to change that anymore. thats life for me

  5. therising
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    16 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    I'm so sorry you were robbed of a family. It really does lead me to feel sorrow when I imagine the potential this aspect of life held for you. It's triggering when I think of the consideration you deserved in so many areas of your life and still deserve.

    May sound like a strange question but do you feel like you're purely an observer in your own life? Kind of like you mentally process/calculate everything around you without any feelings attached.

  6. therising
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    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    Just want to add to the 'observer' comment. Being the observer is like finding the mid point: If you imagine a horizontal line, anything above that line relates to feeling a sense of happiness, a sense of joy, a sense of excitement or connection etc. Anything below that line relates to feeling a sense of sadness, a sense of misery, a sense of boredom or disconnection etc. Above the line are the ups and below are the downs. Personally, I can only feel a sense known as observation when I'm on the line. I can't feel anything else at that time. Give you a recent example, so you know where I'm coming from...

    About a year ago, I could feel myself slowly returning to depression. The thought of it terrified me. The most significant potentially depressing factor at the time was my marriage. I can recall sitting, sobbing, and asking 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I make this 20 something year relationship work?', on top of a heck of a lot of other questions. Suddenly, from out of the blue, came the words 'You need to begin observing his behaviour'. Committing to identifying as 'an observer', I decided to take my wedding ring off. Over this last year, I'd come to observe and make better sense of so much. I thought I'd been observing my relationship over the past several years but, in truth, what I'd been largely studying were my reactions, my feelings (in relation to my triggers in the marriage). From the point of pure observance of my husband's words and actions, I gained a sense of greater clarity. I began to change in the process. Because I was largely detached from feeling, there was no sense of guilt attached to me saying what needed to be said. I had no sense of people pleasing when the need for bluntness came about. This strange sense of detachment was liberating in some way. Mind you, a sense of decency/morality grounded me. I don't believe I was entirely cruel, just as honest as possible.

    With this new found feeling of detachment, I also came to understand how people can perform unspeakable acts. There is no decency, compassion or morality grounding them out of what they choose to do.

    As an observer one could say 'My child costs me money' and that observation would be correct. From the perspective of wonder, one could then ask 'How do/can I raise my child (elevate them in many simple ways) through money?'. Observe the ways and the child's reactions and come to know the child. Observation is productive when accompanied by wonder.

    :)

  7. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to therising

    Yeh, I observe and analyse anything.

    But I never observe anything as a positive, always pick the negative element, look for the reason that'll make it worse etc

    Been talking to a nice girl for 2 weeks, had a couple of dates, message everyday (alot). She came over last night for drinks...we had some laughs and drinks and slept together.

    But I feel nothing, the laughs are fleeting, the future does not exist to me that includes her.

    Doesn't matter how much personalities align, or how attractive they are, how much they say they want me....I simply do not or cannot care.

    We had planned all week for last night, and tonight also but at hers. But too me once I sleep with them it seems to be over. Shes like last night was awesome, I can't wait to see you again tonight...

    To me this is perplexing, as I had already subconsciously shut off....I was analysing the night looking for reasons to push her away, not see her again and certainly not go tonight.

    But I'm smart enough to realise that what I perceive, think and feel is clearly not reality....because this keeps occurring.

    Its clearly me thats the problem, as it's only me that feels this way or I guess doesn't feel this way.

    To me that little bit of excitement of a new relationship evaporates near instantly...and I look end it and move on to the next.

    Why I do this I dont know. Why I end it with beautiful, intelligent and funny wemon for seemingly no reason I don't know.

    What I do know....is that so called line you refer I never cross into the highs....only ever look up from well below it.

    I'm lonely...or I think I'm lonely....I believe that's why I date so much. But clearly something inside me does not want to move forward with someone.

    I know I don't want a FWB deal...as it goes against my moral compass but it seems to be once that physical side occurs it ends for me.

    Perhaps I need outside perspective from others here....as I cannot see why I do this

  8. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403
    Morning Guest_7403,

    Like freaky name man, is that computer generated to preserve anonymity? spose so.

    I too often seek to observe and analyse anything.
    Just yesterday I got all creative and analytical in my anti-movement thread, twas fun.

    I’ve read your stuff and the posts of others too.
    Positive pushing is a common response to expressions of emotional flatness. Like, just be happy man, and think positive things and do positive actions. F that, sometimes.

    Here’s one for you…
    What is the most fundamentally depressing thing/experience/idea you can come up with?
    You’ll find that a perplexing question maybe.

    Have a look up for “metacognition” thinking about thinking, thinking about feeling, feelings about a feeling. That kind of stuff. A ripe field for observation, analysis and integration.

    Only a few tips for ya regarding relationships. Shallow short casual relationships are the least exciting type of relationship. There are waves to long term relationships, ups and downs, that intensify the excitement.

    "I want to like you, you do/say many of the things I like, but my reality is that I am emotionally flat and that isn’t your fault, I may never change. So, you matter to me as a person, can you still go out with me even though I’m not romantic or emotional?"

    There’s an exciting question for ya! It’s risky business.
  9. therising
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    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    I've found I could spend a lifetime wondering about myself, why I do what I do. I believe it's the nature of life, of challenges, to reveal much about us as we go along. Some lessons can be cruel and long at times but they are lessons none the less.

    I believe everything we do...we do for a reason. Whether the reason relates to some hidden lesson waiting to be learned, whether it relates to a false sense of reality or whether it relates to an imbalance of chemistry in the brain/body, there's always a reason. I imagine you can relate to the phrase 'Life feels senseless'. It's kind of strange how we may never take much notice of a statement, a phrase or sayings until something triggers a greater level of awareness. Then, all of a sudden, something clicks and there's that moment where we can be left thinking 'So that's what it means. I can really relate to that.'.

    'Life feels senseless' can be taken in 2 ways. I sense no meaning or I can sense no feeling - I can't sense or feel excitement, joy, enthusiasm. I can't sense or feel my ability for compassion (like I used to), my ability to connect with other people on a deeper level, my ability to make sense of or find reason for life. I can relate to no sense of love, when I look back and recall my experience with post natal depression (with both my kids), while within overall depression. It was a bit of a double whammy, kind of like feeling twice as down. While a lack of oxytocin was partly responsible for me not feeling the love, there were other natural factors involved. I don't believe we can feel much of life at all when we've got no energy to feel with.

    I wonder whether you can relate to the kind of exhaustion where you feel like people (in a variety of ways) suck the life out of you, anxiety drains you, people bring your energy levels down through insanely thoughtless comments and work or jumping through hoops for others depletes what little you've got left.

    I would guess there are moments where you do feel energised, where you're connected to how you feel. While these moments may be fleeting, they still exist. With you speaking of sleeping with women, I would guess you feel the kind of energy that builds through such an interaction. Sometimes it can be enough, until we can feel more, to simply feel where a moment of ecstasy can take us as it channels life through us.

    Sometimes sex holds the ability to bring us to life or...bring a sense of life to us. It can be incredibly powerful.

    :)

  10. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    I ended it with her, never went to her house last night.

    I felt bad afterwards, but she seemed very hurt and withdrew...worried about her hope she's okay.

    But I think subconsciously I wasn't really into her, and feel like Friday night just confirmed that for me.

    She said she didn't understand because we seem so alike, similar interests and conversation flows.

    I've always felt that I'm a bit chameleon like....I have this ability to mimic, or become the person I am interacting with.

    I think its a defence technique I've developed over time, and reinforced by my insecurities. That wanting to be liked, loved or not hurt...so I become what they want.

    But because that's not who I am, or really what i want.....it simply doesn't work.

    I know I lack a sense of self, it's been explained to me by psychs that because my mother was so dominating and controlling that I never developed myself....always looking to others to tell me what to do, how to be etc

    A loveless childhood....when all I ever wanted to be was accepted and loved for who I am.....so now I seek out acceptance and love....but when it's received I don't know what to do...its uncomfortable for me....so I push them away and end it.

    what a complete head case I really am

  11. Guest9337
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    1001 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hello Guest_7403.

    Half a head case only perhaps, we are all really who we are.

    Too much alikeness can be boring, too much dislikeness means no connection. Optimality is better aim, neither too much nor too little, being able to shift as needed or chosen.

    Chameleon and mimic is a very apt description. We needs to survive domination and thus reject self that is threatened for other that is not threatened.

    Safety paramount to identity.

  12. Guest_7403
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    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Feel pretty numb tonight...no emotion for losing that chick.

    Just back doing the usual thing....tinder...random chick's...same conversations.

    Is this how life's meant to be? I don't think I'll ever move forward in a meaningful happy way.

    I feel this anger inside...hatred towards my ex. I don't miss or want her...but hate her for robbing me of life.

    Now I sit alone on my couch...with the cat she dumped too.

    Maybe it is time for me to go down that dark path of never waking again. Because tbh it really doesn't seem that dark....looking forward and having to get up for another day seems just as dark.

    Who knows...I don't really care anymore...life is meaningless.

    My eldest dog is in her twilight years, she's been with me through all the hard times, she's the only thing I feel truly loved by....shes not well...and I see her aging more and more each day.

    I think I hold on for her atm...when she goes I don't see a point in sticking around...I'll have lost everything then. Nothing else can be taken from me

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Croix
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    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Dear Borderline~

    You don't hear all that much from me as I've already said all the things I dredge out of my life that could be helpful. Rest assured I read your posts and think on you and wish you more joy.

    It's probably the wrong tack to take, perhaps becuse it focuses thoughts on the past, on the shortcomings of this life, and your self regard -or lack of it. Curious that - as you tend to be an 'authoritative' person in other ways and I suspect always were.

    So how to change subjects?

    I don't know if you ever listen to music? I've learned a lot about what is out there just from things mentioned in other's posts.

    If you do could you make up a short playlist and I'll listen to them and probably look at the lyrics too.

    I'll trade you, would you mind going first?

    Yes, I know, a trivial way of looking at things -but so what?

    Croix

  14. Sophie_M
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    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403
    Hey Guest_7403,

    Thanks for reaching out to the community and keeping us updated on how you've been going.We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling quite numb tonight, and feeling like you may be going down a dark path again. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and many in our community understand feeling this way during difficult times during their lives too. We hope that you can find some comfort in feeling a little less alone through this, and we just wanted to let you know that we are also checking in with you privately via email.

    We'd really urge you to reach out during overwhelming moments like these, from our Beyond Blue Support Service 1300 22 4636,  or also our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are here for you as often as you need at anytime of the night or day to talk these thoughts and feelings through.

    However, if you ever feel unable to keep safe, it's really important that you contact 000 or you can also go to the hospital if you feel safe enough to make the journey.

    Please feel free to keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it, we are all here to help support you through this.
  15. therising
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    18 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    Was saying to someone just today how cruel life can be regarding the idea that we start off with what I suppose is some true sense of self and continue on being our self up to the age of about 4 or so and then we have, beyond that, little recollection of those early years. In a way, we forget our self and then perhaps spend the rest of our life wondering who in hell we are and boy does it feel like hell at times.

    We were never born constant people pleasers (we actually used to please our self at times), we had natural meltdowns/tantrums when there was obvious injustice, we questioned everyone and everything questionable, we found a lack of excitement intolerable and the list goes on. We're tamed, broken in, conditioned to be the chameleon, trained to tolerate the intolerable and then are left to wonder what's wrong with us. We're taught to suppress feelings, often through oppression of some nature, until we may very well lose our sense of feeling altogether or be left with nothing other than a combination of intense rage and deep sadness, perhaps wondering what it's all about.

    The 'traditional' upbringing goes back so many generations, filtered down to our parents. Our parents convince us 'What was good for me (my upbringing) is good enough for you' but this insane mantra may be far from the truth. As the cycle of what's not good goes around and around until it comes to us, if we are sensitive enough we can feel all that's not good. If we're sensitive enough, we can sense there has to be something better than how we were raised or should that be brought down in certain ways.

    If there is one thing crueler than conditioning a child to not feel or express their feelings it is the fact that this is expected of boys. As a mum, I cannot tolerate my kids being raised through such nonsensical ways, my son included.

    I can relate to how intolerable, how angering and depressing, not being your self can become. It can become completely unbearable in the most torturous of ways. It can be mind altering and brutal. There is nothing wrong with anger and there is nothing wrong with grieving for a lost sense of self (feeling sorry/sorrow for our self). How we manage the anger and grief is the issue.

  16. Guest_7403
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    409 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to therising

    I call it my mask....I put it on for work or social interactions.

    Its exhausting pretending to be something you're not...and by the time I get to remove the mask I am either exhausted or ready to explode.

    People at work know my issues, and they'll make comments about how happy or relaxed I am.....they simply cannot see or feel the pain and rage that's tearing me to pieces.

    Its no wonder that when I get home I drink myself into oblivion. It's typically at this time I end it with whoever I'm seeing....as I can't keep up the appearance of being happy and normal....so I get rid of them so I can rest.

    After I end it....I feel relief....I am almost happy for a brief period until I realise I am alone again

  17. Petal22
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    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest 7403,

    Im sorry for everything that’s happened in your life……..

    When I was on my mental health journey I learned to forgive myself and others……. It really helps to do this…… it will free you…….. it will also allow you to more forward in life…… forgiveness doesn’t have to for the person you are forgiving but for you…… because YOU deserve peace…

    It’s not a easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people.

    but it is such a powerful place, because it frees you…

    ” To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you”

    maybe you could find this in yourself…. Forgiveness……

    believe me when I say it is freeing….. it really is….. 😊

  18. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Petal22

    That pressure cooker I have inside me is rising.

    Tonight I feel like lashing out in rage....I truly hate myself and the world I live in.

  19. Sophie_M
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    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403
    Hi Guest_7403,

    We're so sorry to hear that you truly hate yourself and the world you live in, right now. We understand this must be so overwhelming for you right now. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Where one of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We're all here for you, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready. 
  20. Guest9337
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    1001 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    calming welcomes Guest_7403.

    What things do you hate the most about the world we live in?

    I hate people who purposefully, willfully and severely harm children.

  21. Petal22
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Ohhh guest 7403, so sorry….. you are feeling this way…..

    please know we are here to listen to you…..

  22. therising
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    Do you find overwhelming intolerance to be one of the most enraging feelings? It's like, at times, you can just feel the intolerance rising to the point where, as you say, it's like a pressure cooker.

    I find a lot of people are facing overwhelming intolerance for the 1st time, within the past couple of years. COVID lock down is bringing about this feeling that some people have never felt before. Because they've never felt it, they don't fully recognise what it is. Instead, they can be left asking 'What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling so sad and so angry all of a sudden? Why can't I stand this world? Why can't I stand myself?'

    I regard myself as lucky, as I experience overwhelming intolerance in waves. It's in between the waves where I get the chance to make sense of what I'm trying to tolerate or shouldn't be tolerating. Sometimes I'm tolerating the same old things without realising, sometimes new things have arisen. During my years in depression, the intolerance was almost constant and, yes, like yourself I'd drink my way out of feeling it (the anger or sadness).

    Wondering whether you can relate to one of the most intolerable things being a lack of self understanding. Personally, I can't tolerate not knowing how I tick, especially if what's making me tick at any given time is messing with me. I have to know, I give myself no choice. I've actually become a bit of an information junkie.

    While I'm regarded as one of those woo woo gals (into a little of the spiritual or natural side of life), gaining an understanding of the less woo woo stuff has left me hopeful in regard to potential for change. From the study of neuroplasicity (the brain's ability to reform itself in various ways) to the study of epigenetics (which is revealing the incredible natural abilities held withing the double helix, waiting to be accessed or triggered, which some folk have mastered) to quantum physics (which explains how our cells vibrate at a subatomic level and what they need to vibrate better) there is so much to know beyond intolerance. With the saying 'Life doesn't come with an instruction manual', these fields of study are what is now creating the manual you could say. Each field of study actually touches on depression. Never in a million years would a therapist cover all this kind of stuff, the kind of stuff that becomes mind altering. It's the kind of stuff that puts us in the driver's seat.

    Do you ever wonder how you work, beyond intolerance?

  23. Guest_7403
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403
    Another day of misery done....when will it end. Just want peace
  24. Sophie_M
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hey Guest_7403,

    Thank you so much for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear how miserable you are feeling. We acknowledge how painful these emotions can be to manage. If you feel like giving a Support Service another try, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Our friendly counsellors can offer support, advice, and referrals. 

    We've also sent a message privately to check in with you.  

  25. Petal22
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    20 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Keep up the fight Guest 7403

    Don’t quit

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will

    When the road your trudging seems all uphill

    When the funds are low and the depts are high

    And you want to smile but you have to sigh

    When all is pressing down a bit - rest if you must, but don’t you quit

    Success is failure turned inside out

    The silver tint on clouds of doubt

    And you can never tell how close you are

    It may be near when it seems far

    So stick to the fight when your hardest hit

    It’s when things go wrong you must not quit!

    💪🙏❤️

  26. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2706 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi Guest_7403

    The brain can be such a cruel thing at times, how it leads us to experience life. When it's working beautifully, life it beautiful. When it's working in some hellish way, life definitely feels like hell.

    I can't help but wonder what will lead your brain to perceive things differently through even the slightest difference. Having felt the impact of depression myself, I can't tolerate leaving someone to go on feeling the kind of hell they're in. The following may make no difference but I thought I'd put it out there just in case it does create just a hint of difference for you.

    This is basically a bit of experimentation if you've got some time on your hands here and there. It's also something that can trigger a shift in focus to some degree, out of a hellish mind state, even if it's just for 5 minutes a day. 5 mins of not thinking can offer some relief.

    People often talk about the major feelings in life but don't touch on a lot of the subtle ones. The subtle ones can be so minuscule to the point where you don't obviously pick them throughout life but, in fact, we've been living this way the whole of our life. It's about how we experience the differences

    • Can you spot the difference between one food and another? Apart from an obvious differences, does one lead you to feel consciously different from the other?
    • Can you spot the difference between one aftershave and another? Does one lead you to feel repulsed and the other leads you to feel more attractive?
    • Can you spot the difference between one painting or picture and another or one plant or flower and another? Besides the obvious differences, do the subtle ones (such as the finer details) lead you to feel more connected to one than you do to the other?

    I could go on with examples of feeling differences through the senses but I'll leave it at that. It's not so much about identifying exactly how you feel about one particular thing, it's more so about identifying how you feel differences, so everything doesn't feel the same. There's definitely a sense of numbness when everything feels the same.

    Perfume/aftershave companies are intelligent, the way they create their recipes which conjure up chemical reactions in our brain. If they mix up what triggers a feeling or the kind of chemical combo in our brain known as 'joy', they know we'll buy it. It's a quirky form or aromatherapy in a way.

    Do you believe you have the ability to sense subtle differences within yourself instead of big ones?

  27. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2005 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Good afternoon Guest 7403,

    How are you today? I came across this and thought I’d let you know about it in case your interested:

    The wisdom of Trauma broadcast with talks on trauma starts July 28th ends August 1….

    WISDOMTRAUMA.COM

    I also came across the below:

    Traumatic events by definition overwhelm our ability to cope. When the mind becomes flooded with emotion, a circuit breaker is thrown that allows us to survive the experience fully intact, that is without being psychotic or frying out one of the brain centres.

    The cost of this blown circuit is emotion frozen within the body. In other words we often unconsciously stop feeling our trauma partway into it, like a movie that’s still going after the sound has turned off. We cannot heal until we move fully through that trauma, including all the feelings of the event.

    Susan Pease Bannit, the trauma tool kit: Healing PTSD from the inside out..

    Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however have to be a life sentence .

    Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you’ve got.

    There is HOPE for you Guest 7403….Your a survivor a warrior!

    Please keep looking into avenues for your recovery! I know there is hope that you CAN recover !💪🙏

  28. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Petal22
    And what does one do when they're so far gone they can't bring themselves to look at these links or suggestions let alone try and take it in and put it to practice
  29. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Evening G7403!

    Sounds wearing mate. I'd have a rest about then. Just try to let all the stuff go and come back into a relaxing breathing sequence, all abdominally, in and out.

    Then I'd see what happened inside my mind as my body relaxed. Was i thinking or feeling or reacting to...?

  30. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    409 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Guest_7403
    What a joke life is. I don't want to be me anymore...what a miserable existence and human I am.

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