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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Tired, scared starting over again.

Topic: Tired, scared starting over again.

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    25 June 2020
    Spent 13 weeks in Hospital the first half of the year. Diagnosed with Depression by my GP who put me on a plan with a Phycologist. 3rd weeks in for the first time I spoke about my childhood after 50 years of keeping it a secret. Where I broke down. In sort, I was sexually abused raped by 4 different people from the age of 11. I won't go into the details it's still too hard to deal with. While in hospital for 9 weeks at one hospital and 3 Weeks at another health facility I was diagnosed with Major Depression, Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Dysthymia - (ongoing Depression). During my stay in hospital, it was decided that I could no longer be with my family due to my Mental health and physical health. My wife also has Mental and Physical health problems. I made the choice to move out. My eldest son moved in with his younger brother with their mum.
    This ended a 40-year marriage. A bit hard to take. We have slowly drifted apart over the last 12 years sleeping in separate rooms.
    So there I am in hospital homeless and nowhere to go. In the 9th week in the hospital, I finally found shared accommodation 100 mile away from family. Only to find out that 3 tenants were smoking. I did not feel safe, breathing in secondary smoke. I went backwards became more depressed, anxious started to self-harm again thinking I would be better off dead. Community Health Acute Team were keeping in touch with me. Spoke to them said do you want to go to ED? Yes. She rang for an Ambulance. I self-harmed. Lost everything why should I care or want to be heard.
    Spent 2 weeks in Mental Health Hospital 1 week in another. Then left thought I was good to go. Wasn't I was going back to the same place. 
    One day sitting on the stone wall at the beach watching the waves people & dogs thinking I could quite easily take a long walk into the sea. A dog had run up to me sat on the wall next to me with his head on my shoulder.
    He would not leave me. His mum called for him to go back to her. He did. The owner & dog came back up to their car. The dog did the same thing again with his head on my shoulder. Both of us went home that day. I finally found a unit which is a lot safer. Second-hand car.
    Everybody thinks just because I have a unit and car I should be good & happy.
    I'm not living alone & was self-harming again  2 days ago. Just over it all having to start all over again.

     
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6620 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to g44
    Dear g44,

    Welcome to the forums. You've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where members give and recieive support based on their own experiences with mental health. 

    We are grateful for the bravery you have shown in sharing this outline of your story with us here today. We know it isn't easy and that we're here to provide as much support, advice and conversation as we can.

    Please know g44 that help is always available to you no matter how dark things may get. If ever you feel like you're in danger of harming yourself, then it's an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway. Qualified mental health professionals at our support service are only a phone call (24/7) to 1300 22 4636 or a webchat (3pm-midnight every day) away: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

    Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on during this time of upheaval whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to g44

    Dear g44,

    I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. It took a lot of courage to share your story here and I'm thankful for that.

    Animals have a strange way of knowing when we're in distress, don't they? That dog's actions perhaps showed exactly what you needed then - unconditional love. I'm glad you had that moment with him.

    You're not expected to be all good and happy just because you have a unit and a car. You've been through so much and healing is a long journey. And I know you have the strength to do it, because you've already come this far.

    Are you still seeing a GP or a mental health practitioner now? Would you have any friends or family who can check in on you?

    Take care,
    M

    1 person found this helpful
  4. mocha delight
    mocha delight  avatar
    551 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to g44
    Hi g44 first welcome and if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok
    1 person found this helpful
  5. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to mocha delight
    Thank you. Very much appreciated. I have never told anyone outside my family and they don't know everything. I also think they don't want to. I fee where I am now is I'm out sight out mind so to speak. I know that's not a good way to be but that's how I feel.
    Thank you for caring.
  6. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi Emmen
    I'm at the beginning again sorting out with my new GP who will be my new Psychiatrist and Cardiologist.
    I'll have to wait and see who they will be. Going to catch up with GP next Monday on some tests.
    I have my sister she has been good but she is one that material things mean I'm/you're going good.

    I've got to stop saying I'm good when I'm not. If I tell my sister she will not want me around she said that the last time I hurt myself. Which I understand she has a daughter to consider.

    Thank you for your reply much appreciated.

  7. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie

    I'll try and have a chat with my GP this coming Monday I have an appointment with him to go through some stuff if I can. It's hard for me to do that the fact I have posted this I don't know whether it was a good idea.
    Don't quit how I feel now.

  8. mocha delight
    mocha delight  avatar
    551 posts
    26 June 2020 in reply to g44
    Hi g44 thanks for your reply and I’ve not told my family everything either as they wouldn’t understand or even want to know or would probably just ignore it as I’ve already experienced a bit of that
  9. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie
    Thank you for your reply the other day. I have been following some of the posts and also looking at the site to try and understand why we self-harm. I'm a little concerned about some of the things that have been said about going to ED to get help and some of the things that ED staff have said about people who self-harm.

    In one post the person was refused at the end of the night that the Mental Health Team will no longer help and that that is a permanent statement. That they will only now treat medical problems for that person?
    I'm already feeling before this that I won't because it takes up to much and resources for people who really need medical attention. Don't what to thinks and feel now. I don't think I want to tell my GP tomorrow morning now.

    Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Not sure what I want to do now.


  10. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to g44

    Hi g44,

    Have you spoken with your GP? How did it go?

    I'm concerned that you said "I'm already feeling before this that I won't because it takes up to much and resources for people who really need medical attention." Medical attention will help you and I hope you're not rejecting it based on the fear that you don't need it.

    - M

  11. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    23 August 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi Emmen's

    Sorry I did not see your post earlier. I've only been out of the hospital since last Saturday. Went through a pretty bad time. Spoke to my Docter how I was feeling on that Monday When I first posted. He wanted to see me again 2 days later Wednesday he was concerned. Went to go see him but made up my mind that I would go to ED instead that was on the way to his practice. Parked outside ED sat there for nearly an hour talking myself to go in. Wasn't a good start to the day. While I was sitting in my car making up my mind I noticed a guy on the other side of the road in front of the Ambulance entry to ED looking at me and my car. Bit strange? He crossed the road to my side I was a bit concerned looked like he was following the nurse. He wasn't he lent down and was looking inside my car. I said what do you want. He said looking for the time. Stranged considering he had a mobile phone in his hand. I turned away he then started to try to open the door. I shouted out you need to go because your not getting into this car. That scared him off but he went straight into ED where I wanted to go he was a patient waiting in ED. By this time my anxiety was not good. I phoned the police to come, as the policewomen came across the road he came out of ED. I said that's him. they Pulled him aside found out he was wanted for other things as well. I got out of the car and spoke to the Officer she could see I was not in a good state of mind and that what I was there for. The policewomen what was wrong showed her and explained what I was her for they both said they would take me into ED and explain to ED staff what had just happened. I was in a bit of a mess and trying not to show it. They saw that and took me straight through. Was in hospital for 6 weeks
    Had a lot of help from the nurses, Occupational Therapist, and Psychologist. Also went through 12 ECT treatments. Electronic Current Therapy. Not sold on the ECT sessions don't think that really helped. People have said I look brighter and happier. Each cognitive testing session they did showed it was working. But the feelings I had prior are still there.Having weird nightmares again about where I lived and where it all happened and still not sleeping well. Spent 5 weeks out of hospital this year. Just over trying to readjust every time. I'm doing everything the OT taught me, sticking to my Saftey Plan. Sticking to my Behavioural Activation Plan. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to keep positive.

  12. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    25 August 2020 in reply to g44

    Hello g44,

    What a thing to happen at the ED! I would have been rattled too, if that had happened to me. I'm glad the police officers were there to assist you with the ED.

    Staying positive is a good mindset to have. Regardless of how you feel, sometimes having faith in recovery is the one thing that can keep us going. Recovery isn't quick and even a slow progress is some progress. I understand you're exhausted from having to readjust each time you get admitted into and leave the hospital, and it does sound tiring. But the fact that people say you look brighter and happier is a positive sign that something is working, even if you may not feel recovered yourself.

    Do continue sticking to your Safety Plan and Behavioural Action Plan. If you need to talk about your progress or about how you're feeling, this thread will be here for you.

    Take care,
    M

  13. g44
    g44 avatar
    9 posts
    26 August 2020 in reply to Emmen
    Thank you much appreciated.

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