So my ex broke up with me due to her depression 2 days ago, I tried everything to stay in a relationship with her, but she has told me she is unsure if she even has feelings for me anymore as she just feels numb about everything, therefore she didn't want to drag me along. She isn't suicidal or wanting to self harm, she's actually booked in to see a doctor soon. We own a house together and 2 cats, and she suggested I still live there but only as friends. I've been back there twice for a short amount of time, and every time I see her it just hurts too much. She acts and behaves like everything is fine, she was playing video games and playing with the cats. She even said to me "Logan (our cat) has been such a cutie today". It's just so strange. In our nearly 4 years of dating she has never acted like this. I feel like I'm the only thing she doesn't want in her life. I'm finding it hard to try to be there for her, because I'm still in love with her. I know I need to distance myself from her to heal, but feel bad too because I know she isn't herself. Before I left our house today I told her that I need time to heal, but made her promise me that she would reach out to me if she is struggling and needs support. My mum and her mum have been staying in close contact, and both have been checking in on her. I'm just really confused, I know I need to look after myself but I just feel so sorry for her. She just isn't herself.

Hello. It sounds a little tough at the moment for you. FYI... In my family I would be your partner. My point is that it would be devastating if you find out that the person in your life does not want to be with you. On the other hand being that person it is a way of not hurting the other person. Either way it is a scary time.

When you said she is booked in to see a doctor I assume this is mental health related?

If so, that is a good first step.

You also mentioned mums being involved as well. That is also a positive.

Beyond blue also has pages on their website about supporting someone which might be helpful to you.

Negative thoughts will smother any positives in our lives, at least that is how I see it.

Be you and support and listen to her. Perhaps ask her how she is or whatever. What I do know is (from psychiatrist) is that when down we want to be alone away from everyone when we should be relying on our support.

Hopefully some of my ramblings help and you might come back and chat some more.

Peace to you, Tim

Hello Taylah, thanks for posting your thread and remember anyone suffering from some type of depression has difficulty in being able to express how they positively feel about their partner/spouse, simply because they are unsure how they feel about themselves and sometimes they feel aloof, giving the impression they may just want to be friends.

Whether your mum and her mum who are checking up on her, still might not understand what she is struggling with and may say different stories to each of them, that could be something that is unknown.

If you do move out, then you'll have to pay for the 1/2 the house as well as rent unless you are able to stay with someone else, but you're in a position where you want to help her and try to do this even while living under the same roof as friends, this, however, may not be something she wants until she has seen her doctor and may begrudge having two mums and you all doing the best to help her.

Is it possible for you to visit your doctor and ask them how you should be while living with her because day to day may be different and make your position difficult to understand.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks for your reply Geoff,

Yes it is mental health related, she said her depression had been creeping up on her for over a month and I guess it's just tipped her over the edge. I've been keeping in contact with her as best I can without putting myself in a world of hurt (I'm taking the breakup really hard). I've been messaging her daily but it's hard since she just wants me to live with her as friends, but it just hurts me too much.

Sorry, just realised I addressed you as the wrong person

Hi Geoff,

Yeah she flat out said to me that she doesn't want a relationship or to see me romantically at all, as she is unsure how she feels. I tried to tell her that it is probably just the depression making her feel this way, and that I don't want our relationship to end. But she wouldn't budge. She also said that even after she's better she doesn't know if we would end up together at all. She talks to me and acts like I'm just a friend and that nothing has happened.

I have moved out on the first day after the breakup as she didn't want me in the house, I'm living with my parents now and I'm still paying my half of the bills and plan to keep doing so. I've gone in to see her twice to see how I am around her and seeing her like that just hurts too much. I understand it's the depression but I'm not coping well either. I'm finding it extremely difficult to act as friends when I'm still in love with her and hurt. I do message her and keep in contact with her to make sure she's okay though. I've told her I'm here if she needs to reach out and chat or vent.

Hi Taylah96,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment. I've recently just went through something similar to you as well (minus the 'live with me in the same house' part), and it is a really awkward and painful situation to be in...

On one hand, you want to support them as friends. But on the other hand, you're going through a lot of hurt because of the sudden break up without any prior warning. In the initial weeks after the break up, it may seem like they're fine, and messaging them almost seems like nothing has changed. This could give you a lot of confusion, and unsure how to approach her while trying to keep yourself together. As Geoff said, they may be different from day to day. It's very hard for us to tell whether she's okay or not with the lack of emotional connection from her. Glad to hear she's taken the initiative to see a doctor for a mental health care plan, that's a positive sign.

Being the person receiving the break up, it's hard for us to accept what has happened. I can only imagine it must've been more hurtful to you since you were both in a relationship together for 4 years... What felt like everything was fine and happy, only to be severed all the sudden. You're really strong to still be keeping in contact with her, while enduring the pain from the break up. I did that too to my ex during our first month of the break up, and it wasn't easy at all... Anyways, if I could provide you some additional advise along with Geoff's and Smallwolf's, take care of yourself as much as you can. Give yourself as much self-love, and fill your time with activities that makes you happy. Trust that your friend will be able to make it through this dark times of hers. It's okay to be checking in and reminding her that you're here for her if she ever needs someone to talk to. Don't be afraid to communicate your boundaries to her too.

Your friend is going through a battle that she does not wish for you, the person whom she once loved, to be apart of. She's afraid that if she drags you into her battle, she might hurt you. A person going through depression has a heavy sense of guilt, and she would be feeling guilty for having to put you through this heart break pain, except she still has a lot of things from her depression to get through first before processing that guilt (thus the emotional numbness when someone's overwhelmed by depression).

Wishing the best for the both of you. Take care, and happy to chat more if you'd like.

Jt

Hello Taylah, as hard as it is for you, I like what Tim and Jt have said.

If I can just say that if you are living with someone suffering from any type of depression, they can't express any love towards their partner/spouse, only because this illness restricts them from being able to, or they just don't care what they say, and if you're on the receiving side, like you are, what is said is so hurtful because there is no love anymore or appear as though they don't care about the relationship.

This doesn't mean she doesn't love you, all her thinking is negative and when it's like this, then no one can say they love anybody or even if it's said in a halfhearted way, it's not convincing, so if we could urge you to get the help needed to be able to cope with this.

This illness is so peculiar if you have not encountered it before.

If a partner suffers so does their partner only because it seems as though the love has gone, it may still be there, it's just that they can't and don't want to show it, that's why both need help.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thank you for your response.

I think I'm just terrified that she will do something, she did say she does not want to hurt herself, that she just wants to be a better person. She told me she has goals she wants to achieve through this. I have explained to her why I can't live there at the moment, but that I'm not giving up on the idea of it. She said she fully understands and said it would probably do her worse if I was there and was upset the whole time (like I was when I visited). She seems to like staying in the house with our 2 cats, I saw that she had done the dishes and had done the washing.

But like you said it's hard to tell if she's just hiding it or not due to emotional disconnect. I can't help but think of the worst.

Yeah, this is the first time she's been like this, and it's my first real encounter with bad depression. I have booked an over the phone councilling session today so hopefully that helps. I think her family are sick of me saying I'll try to live there then going back on that once I feel how painful it is. I'm thinking of just starting off slow like having visits than progressing from there.

Hi Taylah96, 

It seems like you are getting some great support from the comunity here so we just wanted to drop in and provide some other services that might be useful for you in this difficult time. We know that looking after someone when they are going through a mental health condition is really difficult and we want to encourage you to look after yourself through all of this. It take a lot of mental energey to care and as they say 'you can't pour from an empty cup'. Please remember to look after yourself. 

If you ever want to talk to someone and get some advice you can call us on 1300 22 4636. The team that answer the phones are wonderful at offering suggestions in the moment as well as suggesting where else you can get help. 

We also think it could be useful to check out a few of our info sheets which you can find here:
Looking After Yourself
When someone you care about won't seek support
10 ways to be there for someone

We hope there is something helpful fo you there, please feel free to stay connected to this community and give us an update if you feel comfortable. 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, you never know who will read this and feel less alone in their own struggles. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

Hi Taylah96,

I can understand how you feel as well. My ex said the same thing too that, she wouldn't harm herself or do the worst. She explained that she just wants to disappear into a small apartment, and deal with her own issues/activities/things. When we love someone very dearly, we're afraid of losing them, fearing the worst that could happen. I've learned to place my trust on her, and trust that she knows what she's doing. She's currently seeing a therapist to work through her problems (about a few sessions in already), and has her own support network to reach out to (mainly her sisters and her best friend). But if she ever wants to contact/reconnect with me, I'll always be ready to welcome her back with a warm supportive hug.

I feel you're doing both yourself and your partner a big favor by being honest about your boundaries. You've explained to her why you can't be with her for the time being, but will continue to support her if she ever wants to reach out again. She may feel guilty for kicking you out in the first place (since you both have bought a place to stay together), that she felt compelled to ask you to stay and just be friends. But space and time away from each other will help you both tremendously with the healing process. Although a bit unsure, but I feel your partner has her family to support her. She's also taken the initiative to seek professional help. So hopefully that can help lessen your worries on her, and to place trust in her decisions and yourself. It can be very hard for you as this is your first time experiencing something like this, but I can tell you, space and time does wonders. Great work on reaching out to phone counselling as well. Wishing you both the very best!

Jt

Hi buddy.

I hope you are looking after yourself through this tough time that you are experiencing and can only imagine how painful, hurtful and confused you must feel. I'd like to let you know that you are not alone and can access and array of support and that it's really important for you to focus on your care needs moving forward. Especially in the sense that your partner is having difficulty managing her own care and the relationship.

I also want you to know that it's not the end of your relationship with your partner and you need to understnad that this is not about you, it's about her and that shows in your attempt to reach out for support. You honestly have to appreciate that you are loving, caring, supportive, compassionate and eager to keep her happy, however, you also need to keep yourself happy too.

I don't like to assume things, however, if you peel back her issues, depression is not really a healthy excuse for leaving a partner to focus on themselves because that what you do when you are in love with someone. Healthy relationships are where partners put the other first, they inspire each other to be the best versions they can be, the learn to grow and flourish each others, they love and support each other through the tough times and they make each other their lifetime soul mates.

You can remove yourself from the situation to take this opportunity to improve your own life in areas where needs be, to show her that you are glowing with happiness and that you are independent, she may realise that she needs you more than before but for this to work, she needs to understand that she cannot be treating you as an option while she focus on her own needs.

To recap, take this opportunity to become the best version that you can be as know that you truly are loving and caring person.

Thank you very much for your kind words. The fact that you're going through the same thing, and have learnt to trust your ex, and that she is behaving similar to mine, definitely makes me feel so much better. I'm going to continue to do my phone sessions and be there for her.

Thank you for your response. This is a perspective I haven't really looked from yet. I am hurt that she did choose to do this alone, and once she's better and if she wants to resume the relationship, I'll be saying it's something that needs to change. I know she wants to find out the core issues, hopefully she does, so hopefully we don't have to go down the same path again

:)

Exactly. Relationships are equal and balanced.