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Forums / Relationship and family issues / I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

Topic: I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

  1. tranzcrybe
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    617 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95

    None of us enjoy discovering what is contrary to our mind's belief. Rejection is different to that where one is shunned or disowned. Whatever transpired just wasn't working for at least one of you (I say 'at least' because I think you also had misgivings about following through, despite your tenacity - could this have contributed a bit?).
    That's fine, and no reflection on either individual in the quest for satisfying one's complex emotional needs - your objective simply didn't match his, whatever that was at the time. Maybe he was looking for more romance, some 'deep and meaningful', or some kinky stuff! Either way, leaving the scene was (for him at least) the easiest solution - respect that he imposed no harm beyond bruised pride and begin to feel more empowered from the experience. By the time you return to work, this will be a distant memory, or you might even share it with a laugh at the whole thing, better for rising above it.

  2. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe
    Is there somethig wrong with me with being a virgin?? I feel like I will be single forever as no one will want to date me. It kinda reminds me off applying for jobs when you first start out in the workforce - they all want experience but no one is willing to give you a chance-just keep hitting rejection or abuse from employers. I feel like I constantly keep hitting a brick wall all the time - with life in general, career wise, dating scene and socially and I have everyone telling me what to do or what I should be doing, I in turn get caught up in what they tell me and the pressure that I place on myself also as I want to better and be like everyone else, then beat myself up asking myself - "why can't I do these things" and I want to do these things, then I feel like I can't do anything right, that I won't amount to anything and that I'm not doing myself any favours as I'm not trying hard enough. What is wrong with me as a person??
  3. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5746 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95

    firstly, there is nothing wrong with you as a person.

    on being a virgin... there is no sign on you that advertises this fact. There are likely others when you walk down the street that are the same as you. Nor does it indicate what sort of person you are. I would suggest if someone struggled with this matter it is there own insecurity and not yours.

    you said people are always telling you what to do or what you should do... suggestions or advice? if you follow the advice do you feel about that? does it stop you being yourself?

    my last question is (and sorry about the questions) is that if you are given all this advice and you try to apply it ALL, do you get lost in your mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment?

    If the advice is good ... maybe smaller goals and just keep practicing. People who make YouTube videos don't get it right the first time. I have been in a few meetings recently and each time I have been getting better. Or so I am told.

    And it is OK to make mistakes ... only human. You and me.

    Hope some of this helped.

  4. tranzcrybe
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    4 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    Being a later starter, there will be assumptions of having some experience in life and love. But while this might be seen as 'good', one must also consider the emotional baggage that usually accompanies such individuals - swings and roundabouts, huh?
    Your naivety, while posing some obstacles to convention, equally affords you a quality that not many of your peers can ever aspire to - easy to lose it, nigh impossible to get it back! Perhaps the envy is more from over the fence than you think and it's really messing with your head that you feel this is a liability - it isn't, and for the people who truly value you, this will be respected and admired - ultimately from the person with whom you find true love and lasting commitment.
    If you feel you are trying too hard, then it's probably not what you are meant to be doing (or how you are going about it) for now.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    • Hi smallwolf, to answer your post: I get overwhelmed with thoughts of what I think I should be doing based on advice and suggestions I hear (although there has been times where my older brother has/ will yell (or perhaps it is his tone that he uses) at me for things so I don't know whether to call it advice or suggestions) and I get upset with myself for not being there. When I hear people tell me something whether it be advice or suggestions it won't usually affect me in that moment but if it is something I have heard numerous times in the past like that I'm too quiet - its no good, you're shy, you need to put yourself out there more, etc) it builds up in me and I forget that I am on my own path and journey, which a lot of the time I get frustrated with because I wish it would hurry up because I hate hearing judgement (maybe I am too sensitive to criticism, I do have low self esteem issues/ confidence. I am also kinda scared of making friends/ relationships, getting close to people as they will see my imperfections and in turn tell me the same feedback and I then get overwhelmed in anxiety). I think at times I also get lost in my mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment after I hear this advice/ suggestions. I think at times I interpret this advice/suggestions/ feedback wrong and catastrophise) I usually have a pattern where I will hear something (particularly from my older brother who uses a strong tone (whether he is angry or upset or whatever emotion, I can't keep up with him) where I will then get quite distressed, be hard on myself for not doing what he expects of me and then I will speak to a close family friend about it and he tells me that I am on my own path/ journey and that my personality is who I am, everyone is trying to find their way in life).

    Sorry for the long winded response, but I am trying to reflect back and work out what usually happens that stirs up the anxiety for me as I am write. I am not sure if I have answered your questions or explained myself well.

  6. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5746 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95

    hey. You don't have to worry about whether you have answered my question. You have thought about what was asked and had a reply which was/is very helpful.

    I cannot remember whether you said you have professional support or not. (Know I can check the other pages!) But... I am somewhat sensitive, less than I used to be. I have been getting help for a number of years in the area, and other things. Of course I would get homework etc. One of these was a talk by Brene Brown. Not the one she is known for. In this talk she mentions having a small sheet of paper with the names of those people whose opinions matter. If your name is not on that list... if someone says something judgemental and their name is not on the list, let that comment slide through to the keeper.

    There are other tips and tricks I can tell you about if you are interested. These may or may not work for you. And if you want to keep chatting ... I am here listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe
    I told my friend about this situation and she basically told me he is awful for doing that to me, that he knew he wasn't going to get sex out of me when he wanted it and then blocked me to get rid of me and maybe she is right. I know I should've forgotten about this scenario already but I think about stuff too much and constantly doubt myself.
  8. tranzcrybe
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    20 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95

    ...or maybe he thought he'd have to work too hard; or that things would get complicated with an inexperienced person; or, just possibly, considered how you might feel if this was only a fling - Don Juans are common in the pubs.

    An uncle of mine once pointed out to me that the departed lover is of no consequence, and the issue we battle with is merely the loss of pride - that's the bit that really hurts; but eventually we recover only to do it all over again... a little wiser, perhaps.

  9. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe
    I have been having a bit of a hard time trying to move past this (amongst various other big decisions and thoughts in my brain, but perhaps I will delve into that in my next post) and if I know myself from previous mistakes (ones where I have unintentionally upset, hurt people) that I've made in life, it will take me quite a while to get over this. There are times where if I find myself having a 'happy' moment which isn't often I will feel guilty and think that I don't deserve to be happy and enjoying myself and then start to think about how much he must despise me now, how he must think that I just used him (which never my intention to), certain words will trigger me to feel guilty and sick within myself as of the mistake I made. I am sorry that I felt confused and didn't understand him, didn't catch on to what was happening. I wish he just could've told me a simple clear "No" but anyway it didn't pan out that way due to the nature. I haven't been back at work at the pub yet (mainly due to restrictions still) and I am nervous to come back as it will be a reminder of him and my other co workers talking about him. I do kinda miss working there as I have been sick of my retail job and I enjoy variety and change in my life. I enjoy learning new things and being in a different environment and meeting different people from many walks of life.
  10. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    To delve into the big decisions that have been circling my mind include: trying to transfer to another store within the retail chain that I have worked at for over three years and if I will be able to get a transfer to a Melbourne store if I choose to change, retail is not my forever job and I want change, whether I should continue seeing my therapist (is it really helping me?? maybe I'm doubting the process - my therapist and mother agree that is has helped me so far) moving to Melbourne (something that I have always talked about but not sure if I entirely want that dream however my friend constantly pushes me and lectures me about it as she wants me to be happy and she was in a sort of similar boat to me until she moved) and potentially living with 'unsupportive' family members in Melbourne. Yes I know Melbourne is under lock downs I am not planning to move there right away. The only real person I have in my life who I feel I can talk to about this is an old close family friend who understands my situation and empathizes with me whereas every time I talk to my parents, my friends, my therapist I feel that they don't understand me and I end up feeling worse, feel even more stressed, anxious and start to feel more pressure and think that it is all too hard and that I won't amount to anything and that I shouldn't be here (I will say/think things like - 'this is your fault, you only have yourself to blame', 'this is what happens when you're quiet, 'you're not trying hard enough', 'you've been saying this for 8 years now what the eff have you been doing with your life', 'its always you', 'you are not trying', 'you are the problem') I could go on with the thoughts and when I spoke about them with my close family friend he said to me that I am in fact trying enough, that it is not my fault, its not all me, that I have damaged emotions and have faced rejections in my life where I have felt shutdown by people. Maybe I need to start a new thread here but I wanted input from the people who have commented so far on this thread for their insight. I guess the reason I write these decisions is that I need some support here as I embark on these decisions however it pans out. Side note: for those that may be wondering if I have tried mindfulness and grounding techniques to help when I'm feeling anxious and stressed - no they don't really help me, only talking to my close family friend does, going for long drives, long walks and shopping cheer me up slightly.
  11. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    ... I don't know if going on medication is an option but I have resorted to taking up smoking/ drinking more to help me cope.
  12. tranzcrybe
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    21 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    [re 21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe]
    In the movie 'Amelie', there is a scene where the hapless child turns on the television only to hear "If you have just tuned in..." then some horrible news item is reported, resulting in her feeling responsible for the whole thing, which starts a cycle of self blame for everything else happening in the world from her innocent interactions.
    I guess that applies to you somewhat from your description - is how other people think really evidence of any mistake on your part? Take a quick poll and you'll find it's 50/50 more often than not whether you are right or wrong - you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time.
    You may be overestimating how much some people react when not necessarily agreeing with you, but I can relate to being left hanging which sees your mind spiral with 'what if ' scenarios. These are a little self indulgent but not worth more than passing reflection - the same as if I trip over, I nurse my wounds and rue my two left feet or start cursing the rock that caused the whole thing (I know it was the rock's fault!) but then I get up again and carry on.
    The same for when you return to work - nothing to feel ashamed about and you don't have to go into details. Good chance people will have long forgotten or it'll be just idle 'water cooler' chat to be friendly and show interest in your life. Acknowledge, brush off, and move on.
    Embrace those happy moments - that's the best medicine of all.
    (... there is a lot more to consider in your latest post...)
  13. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe
    tranzcrybe said:[re 21 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe]
    You may be overestimating how much some people react when not necessarily agreeing with you - Can you please explain what you mean by this
  14. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5746 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95

    Hi. I noticed in one of your replies you were wondering if therapy was helping. I don't know how long you have been seeing your therapist or how frequently and not asking either ...

    My own thoughts are that it is a slow and steady progress to make lasting change and there can be other factors to take into consideration. For example, how are you feeling now compared to same time last month or last year?

    Of course only you know whether or how well it is working.

  15. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    My therapist said that I have made progress and there have been times where she has reminded me of the things I have been doing/achieved now that I certainly wouldn't have had the balls to do 7 months ago or even last year. She tells me to trust the process. I just wish it would speed up but perhaps I could be doing more things to help with that like joining a sporting club purely for the purpose of interacting with people, I hate sport, never been good at it but hey if it helps me to grow who cares what I like, i can try throw myself into it. There are parts where I feel it has worked but they are only minor and when I told my friend that I feel it is working she just gave me a disgusted look. It is hard to say therapy is working when my circumstances and people tell me otherwise. I have spoken to people that have been in therapy for years and they tell me that it takes about 12-18 months before you see a difference. There was a time where I did ask my therapist of how she thought I was progressing and she said I was making great progress. I haven't seen her in a month and am due to see her again next week. I have been seeing her on a fortnightly/3 weekly basis for the last 7/8 months

  16. tranzcrybe
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    23 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    Can you control what someone thinks just by behaving 'better' or trying to accommodate their preferences - much of this already resides in the mind of the other long before you even say Boo!
    If you are considering moving to the city, this could become overwhelming if you place too much emphasis on how others perceive you - particularly if it has no basis in fact. For most, it is simply a case of move on until you find someone or some unique quality that clicks for you - from there it either grows or fizzles, often through no one's fault. I guess that is why you simply can't create the scenario and then jam the pieces in to fit.
    Life is too short to fuss over the conniptions (real or otherwise) of other people - what would be the point? It is everyone's right to think what they want - right, wrong, fair or foul. What matters most is being true to your values while accepting those of others (and I think most stable relationships survive on the 'acceptance' part - no one is perfect!).
    While it is reasonable to reflect on unfortunate experiences for future reference, there is little to be gained by clinging to the sunken ship.
    That's what I meant in my earlier post and your question - hope this clarifies a bit for you.
  17. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5746 posts
    23 September 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    Hi. I have frequently had my doubts about the progress. Remember that all our stories are different but it took me 2.5 years to see any progress. Indeed, progress before that ... my psychologist would say something like "you are able to catch yourself ..." or when in session using "and" vs "but". On a day by days basis we may not see much difference so compare yourself today with last week, or month?
  18. pinkflower95
    pinkflower95 avatar
    26 posts
    15 October 2021

    I get good days and bad days, some days I wish I could end my life/ disappear over this mistake which sounds a bit extreme. There was a misunderstanding on my part, which caused me to text the guy, he took that differently, he replies back sarcastically, at the last minute of me finishing work he replies and blocks me. Yeah i feel hurt I wanted to stay friends with him, not for sex or anything. Perhaps it was for the best that I am no longer in contact with him and forget him, sex would've lead to more complicated things anyway i feel if it did happen. I just wish I understood what he meant / understood the situation better and he in turn didn't block me. I wish there was a way he could read my blog posts here so he could see where I was coming from. I didn't mean to upset him, but again that is the self indulgent part that I should be avoiding. I am also inexperienced to relationships so I don't know any better and of what to think. I have been trying to get into meditation daily (trial and error to see how it works out for me) and trying to be a bit kinder to myself (hard thing to do/ unlearn) and change my attitude on life. Its hard, i particularly struggle on my days where I am not at work and have more time spare, I have been trying to fill my days but hard with ever impending lockdowns and restrictions. How do I get out of the cycle of self blame and come away from it with my head held high?

  19. tranzcrybe
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    16 October 2021 in reply to pinkflower95
    Hey Pink, welcome back.
    I'm guessing this is one of your bad days, so well done for identifying and redirecting your mulling over the problem to BB. You know, if it only takes one mistake to shatter a friendship, then it is best things took the path they did - the reasons, the missed reconciliation, and self recriminations are irrelevant.
    Your faith in sustaining this connection was stronger than his - his loss, not yours. Lockdowns are compounding your feelings so, within prescribed limitations, keep reaching out to others and look out for new opportunities wherever you may be.
    I do like that meditation is triumphing over medication - keep it up!

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