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Forums / Relationship and family issues / I need to find a bigger rock!

Topic: I need to find a bigger rock!

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. SubduedBlues
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    2 August 2014

     

    These past couple of days I have had to approach a most frightening subject with my teenage children: the breakdown of the marriage between their parents. 

    This was difficult as I didn't want to portray their mother as the guilty party (even though I wanted to continue with the marriage). Actually I did want to, but doing so wouldn't have done my children any benefit ... so I chose not to. Thus I gave them a watered down version. I said we are struggling,  that their mother is having a break whilst she works out what she wants to do. In the meantime I am just weathering the storm.

    I'm hoping that this approach will be a little easier for them to adapt to,  vs saying that their mother just decided to quit. I'm sure I've done something to make staying an undesirable option for her, though for the life of me I haven't a clue what I did. But it has to be there. People don't just leave for the heck of it; do they?

    Also the kids maternal grandmother is coming up for a visit in Sept. I don't think my wife has said anything about the breakdown to her mother yet. So it will be an interesting week when the mother-in-law and departed wife are back in the house. It's as though the wife is not even considering the impact her actions are having on me or our children. I think she's acting quite selfishly. But do I stoop to her level and refuse her welcome, or rise above and accept her back into our home? Even if just so she can pretend to her own mother? My girls are in two minds on this one. 

    All of our kids are all over 16, so there's unlikely to be any custody battles. But they'll still need to decide where they want to be. This is just so messy and all too hard. Sometimes surviving those life threatening illnesses sucks.

    Sorry,  I'm just feeling the blues tonight. I need to find a bigger rock to crawl under-- hope and despair keep finding their way to me. :(

    D'

     

  2. Snoman
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    2 August 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hey D',

    Your situation sounds very difficult. My advice is to rise above. She must be going through some difficult battles herself. Blue as you feel, try to be helpful and respectful.  Doesn't mean you have to agree with her decision, but treating your wife well will help your kids and you to get through.

    sno

  3. white knight
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    2 August 2014 in reply to Snoman

    Hi D'jected

    People dont talk nor explain like they used to. Once upon a time adults would have a drink and let the other down gently and say the likes of "I feel we have grown apart and want more out of life. I've made my decison, and that wont change, but I thank you for being the father to my children and wish you well. I really hope in time we can remain friends". Then that opens up the opportunity to respond in much the same way etc.

    But people feel it is ok to not explain, to just leave the other in a time warp of frustration. That leads to a lot more hurt.

    Regardless of that consider the prospect of one day being friends or even reuniting. It could happen especially when your wife enters the big world alone or less secure. So battle on with respect and admiration. Take the pounding in your heart and plough through it.

    Good luck

  4. SubduedBlues
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    4 August 2014 in reply to white knight

    WK & Sno

    Thanks for comment and viewpoint, it abodes well with that which I had already thought the right thing to do; to rise above and walk the path of the righteous.

    But after this week of her mother's visit, she'll need to address this situation and make a decision. I cannot continue to stand here holding the door ajar, waiting for her to make up her mind.

  5. AGrace
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    5 August 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hi D'jected,

    I've been offline for a little while so I just replied to your other "where is my friend?" thread, but have since seen this more recent one.

    I'm not sure that it's healthy for you, your wife or your children to have her mother and herself come back to the house just for the visit. Children, especially teenagers are pretty intuitive, so there's a strong possibility that they've already figured out what's going on. I think your mother in law is better of staying with your wife and I think you can let your wife know that you're happy for her mother in law to visit you if she would like.

    Whether you guys get back together or not your mother in law deserves the truth rather than playing happy families while she is here. 

    I think a very wise move to rise above your hurt and do what's best for your children. As per my other post, your children don't want you under a rock, they want you to be there for them. You can do this, you're an incredible father you've already shown this.

    Are you still seeing a Psychologist/Counsellor? Have they given their view on this situation?

    As to why this happened, you may never find the answer. Relationships do just end. People grow apart, they want different things, they feel disconnected from one another, they're searching for someone or something else. We can never get inside someone else's mind, and even if your wife gave you a reason it may not be fact, or you may not receive this well. I think focus on you and focus on your kids, let your wife manage the situation with her mother...you don't need to leave your door ajar.

    AG

  6. SubduedBlues
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    8 August 2014 in reply to AGrace

    In the 3 minutes that I saw her today, an unexpected comment came out of her mouth today. She says she "has to move back in" to our house whilst her mum is visiting -- because it would be too awkward for her otherwise. 

    and I'm thinking: really? it'll be too awkward having you back in the house again. Nobody here wants to listen to you complain about everything. 

    Then she said she's only moving back in for her mother, because really, she doesn't want to move into this house again. 

    and I'm thinking: good, because I not sure we want you to move back in either. actually it's been quite happy here without you. 

    I couldn't think of anything nice to say. Nor did anything  non antagonistic come to mind, so I stayed silent and said nothing. Damn, now she's probably thinking that I am okay with her decision. Another one of those decisions that she has discussed solely with herself before announcing it to us that this is what is happening. This was my chance to say something is opposition to the idea, and I said nothing. I blew it. 

    Well, it looks like Sept is going to be a very interesting time around this house. The peaceful house is going to be disrupted by the antics of departed-wife. She's going to wan to come in and run the household like she always has, her way. Well no one wants it her way, that way is unbearable, painful, mean and it outright sucks! 

    My bet, is that my eldest disappears to her friends house for the week. and the others spend as little time about the house as possible. No one is going to be in much of a family mood. Actually, I think the only person really interested in pretending to be a "happy family" (as you've called it AGrace) is the wife-departed.  And the mother-in-law is going to see through the facade in no time flat. 

    The wife-departed has no good-will remaining, so she best not be expecting that either the kids or I are will be "covering" for her whilst her mum is in town. If she is, she is sadly mistaken. If she hasn't broken the news of her walking out yet, that's her problem. The kids have asked and I've replied, there's no need for them to offer the information, but then again if they are asked by their grandmother they can answer one of two ways: either tell her the truth, or tell her to ask their mum. They shouldn't feel compelled to cover for her, nor is it their responsibility to break the news to their grandmother.

    The wife-departed quite obviously is continuing with her preferred method of communication: osmosis

  7. AGrace
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    9 August 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    You know your thoughts about this situation have changed so drastically, for the better. It looks like you're in that stage of the break up where the rose coloured glasses come off and you see your ex for who and how they really are.

    It's not too late for you to decline your ex's proposal. 

    If you decide to go along with this then I'm glad you and your kids have decided not to lie. Be assertive when your ex is there, she left the house and now things are done your way.

    I'm really proud of how far you've come:)

    AG

  8. SubduedBlues
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    29 August 2014

    September has yet to arrive, she's not supposed to be here for at least another week. 

    • Argh! What's happening! 
    • The sky is falling! 
    • The sky is falling!
    No. It's the ex ... the dragon has tossed my rock aside and moved back into our house. 
    • Help! Help! 
    • There is no place to hide. 
    Why o' why didn't I take AG's advice and reject the proposal? Why must I always be the person who looks out for everyone else's feelings (including hers) and puts my own self aside for the benefit of others?
    • Will I ever learn?
    • No. Probably not. I can't help myself, I can only help others.
    -----     -----

    The only assertive move I made was to put my foot down and insist that if she want's to smoke that she smoke's outside. I don't care how cold it is. I told her "If I see smoke, there must be a fire, and I'm getting a bucket of cold water to douse the smoke and flame."  I also let her know there ain't no way she's sleeping in my bed; she's not welcome there.

    -----     -----

    Hmmm, I wonder, maybe I can hide under my bed.

    D'

    ps: 
    There are two things about this situation that really really frighten me.
    1. will her presence in the house, disrupt our new found peace and tranquility?
    2. will per presence in the house, let my black dog loose?

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