Without having to recap my whole story my husband suffers depression/anxiety and its been an up and down 15 years. I love my husband however its not been an easy life at times. We did have a six month separation about one year ago and although we are now back together our problems keep arising about lack of intimacy/emotion towards me. Our daughters both suffer with anxiety and all three including my husband see their own psychiatrists. Its evident to bother dr’s treating our daughters that the lack of emotion towards me and the separation have impacted my daughters and may contribute somewhat to their anxiety. I have known this and I also have expressed this to my husband however it did take a professional to make he take finally realise its not me “nagging”. My husband likes to blame me and I understand that could be the depression but much to my surprise he has asked we get marriage counselling? I suspect his psychiatrist may have suggested this and I also add he is in the process of changing meds as the ones he has been on for the last 10 years are not what he should have been on according to this dr.This is a major move forward as over the years its always been me asking for help or to try and fix our problems. The children and life always taking priority over our relationships,so I am more that willing to give this a go and hopefully be able to communicate more effectively with my husband now that a professional is involved. We are looking at Relationships Australia? I do have my psychologist who I have been seeing on and off over the last 4 years to help me with the issues dealing with my husband and the effects its had on me, but also my two daughters and their anxiety. My husband does not want to go to him. Any advice would be greatly appericated.

Hi again,

I suggest you dont go to your psychologist...a marriage counselor is ideal and one you both havent seen before. Yes, it's a good idea and Relationships Australia is a good one.

Changing medication is a Dr/patient decision, we cant advise there sorry.

I suggest you both move your children back a little and begin to focus on your relationship. A picnic on a river bank, a night out, a movie, a cafe coffee, more time alone without your kids. This is the building of more foundation of your family, not ignoring your kids.

The old fashioned idea of dressing up in a new dress, haircut and holding hands is a start- things might fall into place then. Effort must come from you as he seems in no man land and his depression would contribute to that.

My wife and I go caravanning even for 2 nights, a bonfire, some sausages, salad, marshmellows and nature. Think about spicing up your lives. I dont know how old your children are but think about handing over some responsibility like turning the sausages while you both go for a 5 minute walk together- alone!

People can tend to blame others. This is where the counselor will help you both. A little sotry-

My ex GF for 10 years and I went to counseling. She was always outraged that I'd do my model airplane hobby till 1am to 2am before bed and never needed as much sleep as her. We went to counseling and she told the lady how outraged she gets about me doing my hobby. The lady asked her "So...do you have a passion"? The question stunned my GF. The answer was no. If she didnt have a passion then how could she relate to me having one? Indeed the lady asked- "If he cannot sleep, why is it an issue for you"? Such short questions that made all the difference.

I didnt leave unscathed and was also at fault in some areas. Counseling is good. I hope you pursue it. There is also a thread I wrote about arguments-

Google

Beyondblue topic relationship strife- the peace pipe

TonyWK

Redhuta,

Tony has given you helpful advice and personal experience.

I feel relationships Australia are very skilled in dealing with relationships.

Personally I would feel awkward going to a pysch who had seen my partner. Just my thoughts.

I found counselling with relationships Australia, having two effects. Either we would be arguing on the way home or we would feel very close to each other . We had a counsellor who helped us to communicate with each others. Counsellors are nor supposed to take sides or even give advice but try and help the couple work out their difficulties. A good counsellor makes you see things in a different way.

It is great your husband wants to go to counselling, I would think about making an appointment soon.

Let us know how you go, if you want to.

Quirky

Thanks you both and yes I have already contacted Relationships Australia and plan to book in ASAP.

Just a quick update which I think is a positive one. My husband has really bonded I feel with his psychiatrist and working through some complex issues of the role his narcissistic mother played in his anxiety and anger. Its always been evident to me however thankfully he is being responsive and almost by understanding he can see the affect it has on him. We are booked into see Relationship Australia and I really feel we are moving in a positive way, slowly but the right direction. His is transitioning medication as it seems the one he has been on form the last 10 years is not what the psychiatrist feels is the right one for him. So thankfully things are looking up.

Well done.

Something you and hubby might find interesting

google

queen witch hermit waif

good luck

TonyWK

Redhuta

That is great news about her husband and his progress in understanding his past.

hanks for keeping in touch and I hope all goes with relationship Australia.

If you want to let us know how it goes as your posts have helped others on a similar journey.

Quirky

Thank you both.

Tony- I passed this on and he did find it interesting and related to it.

Thankfully he is in a good mindset these days as he is supported by finally being in the care of a very good psychiatrist.

Redhuta,

You have mentioned a very interesting point that being supported by a very good medical professional be it a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counsellor is important for one’s mental health.

Quirky

Quick update after the first counselling session. First I have to point out the counsellor we got I felt was best equipped to deal with our issues and I found her to get straight to the point. I often find it frustrating to start right from the start. However, she was able to really focus on what both my husband and I wanted to achieve.
I felt comfortable to open up 100%, and so did my husband. It was actually such a relief to hear his full take responsibility for the lack of intimacy he knew was 100% due to his issue which he wants to change. I don't think in the last 16 years of marriage I have ever heard my husband so open and actually allow himself to be vulnerable like this. I think he feels in a "safe space" and has let his guard down with not only his psychiatrist but also during this counselling session.
I don't think this is going to happen overnight. However, I feel that the time is right for us and I am very hopeful that our relationship will be where it used to be when we first met, just older ;)

Redhuta,

Thanks for giving feedback about your session together.

am glad but you and your husband were committed 100% to the process and to hear your husband open up.

I am pleased you have hope for the future and you realise it will take time and also there can be a few hiccups but as you are on the a journey I am sure will keep going.

Quirky

Hi Redhuta,

You are so lucky, that is fantastic that your partner opened up. That is the hardest part. As I have said in other posts, I went several times on my own (To relationships Australia), then once with my partner who denied any problems and refused to do anything but blame me for everything. We got no where!

Your story is inspiring, please keep us all posted. I want to know that things sometimes workout for some people.

@Nothappy@uni - Every other time we have been in similar to what has happen to you. Its always been that I am unreasonable or that I was irrational. I know after the years I started to believe it and it was not till I went to a psychologist for myself that I realised I was not irrational but dealing with a husband with a mental health issue. It took a lot of work on my behalf to become confident in myself and understand it was not me. I am still very surprised that we are at this stage where he is taking ownership and trying to rebuild our relationship.

Only thing that I feel has got us here is that he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and be properly diagnosed. I honestly don’t think we would be at this place if he had not done this. He is also in the process of changing medication too. We have another session this afternoon so I look forward to seeing what work we both need to do.

IMHO ................Counselling was a total waste of time , the counsellers I dealt with (had many over many years) where motivated by Dollars ...think for me ....just has to work it out myself .

Shadow

i am sorry that you had a bad experience with counselling . Red huts like many had a worthwhile experience with counselling. Sometimes you have to try another counsellor to find the right person.

Sometimes people can work out their own problems but at other times they need help.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

Quirky

I think the key with counselling is you need to have both people totally on the same page and in the past this has never happened. My husband would start and then almost just "check out" so for me this is a totally diffwrent mind set.

I feel you so much! My husband has been a total wreck since we lost our daughter and as much as I mourn every day for it, it's been 10 years now. I just feel that we might need a bit of help to start getting where we left off before the tragedy that came upon us.

Ritsuko said:I feel you so much! My husband has been a total wreck since we lost our daughter and as much as I mourn every day for it, it's been 10 years now. I just feel that we might need a bit of help to start getting where we left off before the tragedy that came upon us.

To add to that we were always loving each other so much and I never felt I could possibly be with another man! Maybe getting some professional advice from https://www.counsellinginmelbourne.com.au/everything-you-need-to-know-about-relationship-counselling would save this marriage and make us intimate again even after all that we have been through as a family!

Hi Ritsuko, 
Welcome to the forums and to this wonderful and welcoming community. It sounds like you have been going through some incredibly difficult times - we are so sorry to hear about your daughter. 

It might be useful for you to talk to one our team and there are some options for doing that below. In the meantime please feel welcome to look around the forums and share your experiences. 

Beyond Blue
1300 22 4636
Online Chat
https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
Lifeline
13 11 14

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Ritsuko

I am so sorry about your daughter.

Sophie has given helpful suggestions.

Have you ever had or would you consider grief counselling. You both are grieving and you have changed,.

Your relationship has chnaged. Just a thought.