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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. Ggrand
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    21 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Auirky and all.

    Ive written here several times to answer your question, but have deleted the posts because it makes me sound so pathetic...

    I do apologise to others even knowing that they were wrong, just to keep the peace and will do anything to avoid a confrontation...Living with a husband who could do or say no wrong you learn quickly that an apology is much better to voice then the consequences of continually trying to prove them wrong...This has stayed with me, yes I still apologise to people when I don’t need to...It hurts me, sometimes really hurts, but I would loose a confrontation anyway because I would just run from it and if I didn’t I would end up saying they were right anyway so they stop talking about it and go away...I get confused in an argument and don’t know what words to say and how to defend myself and make a total mess of my words, then I usually end up crying, I think people can see that in me and take advantage of me.., A few words to stop an argument from happening is fine by me..

    Is it being myself...I would have to say...it’s who I am....

    Grandy..

    3 people found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    21 January 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello all,

    Grandy

    You sound just like me. you are honest and insightful notmpathetic.

    I have never like confrontation and Imwill often apologise even if I have no need to.

    that is what I do. I have tried to change but I can not.

    I think of you are comfortable apologising and chngaing make soyu uncomfortable I think that it is better to be yourself.

    i think if you felt like a door mat or that people were exploiting you that would be different.

    Grandy, have you ever wanted to change this,part of yourself or are you happy with it?

    Quirky

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  3. Ggrand
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    22 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    No I’m not happy about me in regards to apologising for their wrong...I beat myself up a lot over it....

    I would like to change but cannot...If I happen to confront anyone, I end up in tears over my anxiety and want the confrontation to stop so I just apologise and say my wrong....Then I feel really down on my for being such a coward and not standing up for me or what’s right.

    Everyone around me has been right, and I’ve been wrong....when I was younger I felt stupid and confused about why people didn’t listen to my side, so I just gave up and have stayed that way ever since..it’s easier for me this way...but no I’m not happy about me being like this at all....

    Grandy

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  4. Guest_093
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    28 January 2019 in reply to Ggrand
    hey Grandy I totally agree with you with what you have said I am exactly the same and behave in the same way as you, sometimes feeling like a doormat and being walked on but unable to have the knowhow most of the time to say something about it, being called a total wuss or loser so many times that has come to times that I believe it and trying hard to fight the words back, and that is who I am but am on the changing walk of life so will keep going on that walk and eventually will win over that hard trail I truly believe that now. Faithfully Spitfire1
    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
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    28 January 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Grandy,

    Thanks for your last post I can relate to what you write and like spitfire I behave in the same way or used to and still sometimes do.

    I find that people don't listen to me even loved ones and then they contradict what they have said. if I say something they say I am being defensive. I know in my heart I am right but I have apologised just to keep the peace.

    Spitfire if people call you a loser that says more about them than you. Thanks for your post.

    Quirky

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  6. quirkywords
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    6 February 2019 in reply to Guest_093

    Hello everyone,

    Earlier in this thread, I would ask a question so I thought I’d ask that again and if no one answers I will ask more questions!!!

    If you could change just one thing about your personality what would it be and why would you want to change it?

    Quirky

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  7. Elizabeth CP
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    6 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I would like to be more confident so I'm not so worried about what others think or what I think they think

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  8. quirkywords
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    7 February 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    thanks Elizabeth for your answer.

    I can relate to that , because as you know I too am affected what others say, what I think others say or what I think others think of me.

    I have so many things I want to change about myself not sure which one ai would choose.!

    Quirky

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  9. Elizabeth CP
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    7 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    The other thing I not just want to change but need to change is my lack of patience. I want to get things done now rather than waiting. For example I'm trying to lose weight at the moment but get really frustrated that it is taking too long. This makes it hard to keep going. Trying to rush to do things has led to injuries in the past which just makes everything worse & further damages my confidence & self esteem. I get impatient when I'm sick or injured & don't allow myself the time to recover properly which has caused problems to both my physical & mental health.
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  10. quirkywords
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    8 February 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hell all,

    Elizabeth I can relate to your post. I don't think I am impatient but others often tell me I am.

    Maybe do you think that having so many things to do can make you feel impatient as you have so many tasks to do and so many responsibilities.?

    Maybe you want to get well quickly so you can resume your tasks. I admire all you do and I don't feel you are impatient but you are have many responsibilities.

    Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

    Quirky

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  11. quirkywords
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    16 February 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone ,

    I am wondering if my parents or my grandparents spent time seeking to find their authentic self or worried how they could be themselves?

    I am guessing it is more of a modern phenomena, my grandmother's life was worked out for her, work in retail then marry and have children, my father had to work in the family business .

    Maybe I worry to much on being myself and maybe trying to just take each day and stop overthinking?

    Are people who never worry about being themselves or finding their true self, more calm than those that do?

    Quirky

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  12. Ggrand
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    20 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    I was constantly worrying about who I am, trying to find who I am, I told my Psychiatrist that I don’t know who I am...his response was...have some fun while your trying to find out who you are...fun!..does he even know how hard it is when you have been trained to live the way someone makes you..I don’t think so...

    These days, I’m not looking for me...I’m letting me find me in it’s own time..now I’m living daily with what the day provides for me and living each day the best I can...sometimes trying to survive daily, sometimes I’m living a sad, depressed, bp, or even a good day at times..I suppose it doesn’t matter how I live each day it’s the true me living it...

    Since I have accepted that I can’t find a unique me...or who I am, I’m not looking and yes I think I’m feeling more calmer in not looking....let me find and come to me whenever she wants to..my heart is open daily for her, because atm each day I’m living I feel is the true me...it’s me that’s living it and no one also...it’s who I am now...the true me?...I cannot be anyone else daily but me...I think the true me is a person that has mh issues and that’s okay...it’s who I am..it’s me..

    Grandy

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  13. quirkywords
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    20 February 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Grandy,

    Thanks for your very honest and insightful post.

    I think that is a great approach and I agree I am at the stage this is me, I may be forgetful, I may change behaviours, I maybe different day by day, I can be irritable but this is me.

    I don't do fun either. I had an ex complain I was not much fun anymore, ie since I was taking medication!!

    Maybe I should rename this thread Be yourself, you are fine just the way you are!!!

    Quirky

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  14. Moonstruck
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    20 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Or..."Be yourself...everyone else is taken".........

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  15. quirkywords
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    21 February 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello everyone,

    Thanks Moon, I put that Oscar Wilde quote on my very first post on this thread.

    Some times I wonder if everyone else is taken, as every day new people are born , so it would be changing all time.

    Ok overthinking again!!

    Quirky

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  16. Elizabeth CP
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    21 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I really liked Grandy's post Since I have accepted that I can’t find a unique me...or who I am, I’m not looking and yes I think I’m feeling more calmer in not looking....let me find and come to me whenever she wants to..my heart is open daily for her, because atm each day I’m living I feel is the true me...it’s me that’s living it and no one also...it’s who I am now...the true me?...I cannot be anyone else daily but me...I think the true me is a person that has mh issues and that’s okay...it’s who I am..it’s me..

    I think focusing on being the best we can be at the moment and following our own values rather than worrying about fitting in with others expectations or worrying about who we are. Also accepting that we change according to circumstances. For me I need to learn to accept that in summer I'm much more anxious & don't cope whereas other seasons I'm better so I need to try to plan to do things which take physical & mental energy in the times of the year I'm OK. I'm not comfortable in crowded cities particularly when alone so although I like to travel I avoid big cities or if forced to stop in a city I try to find where parks or similar are so I can escape if needed. I also avoid beaches when it is hot because I become too stressed. Obviously everyone has their own different things that make you feel uncomfortable or affect how you feel or act. Learning to accept this is good

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  17. quirkywords
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    22 February 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone.

    Thanks Elizabeth, thanks for your post.

    I agree that Grandys words are very helpful, the hard part is putting them into practice. I find it can be easier to say I will do something but harder to actually follow it through.

    I agree that accepting how we change depending on our circumstances is important but again how do we put that into practice.

    I think having insight into our own behaviours and accepting our limitations is so useful . I like the way you have insight into your behaviour and have a knowledge of what males you feel uncomfortable.

    Thanks for all your contributions to this thread. They always make me reflect on your words.

    Quirky

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  18. quirkywords
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    19 March 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    A big welcome and hello to everyone,

    I have been doing an online mindfulness course and finding it hard and not seeing many changes.

    When does one decide that one has tried to learn a new sel improvement calming skill

    but it is not working. It is only making one feel worse about oneself. Does one preservere or give up?

    Quirky

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  19. Ggrand
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    19 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    I think you should continue on to finish the course, it’s only early days and it could confuse you until you get further into the course... giving up now I think would keep you in confusion...As the course get deeper into the benifets of mindfulness it all might start making better sense to you and you should start to understand and benifet from it...

    I started last week a ptsd online course and I’m finding it atm more triggering and unhelpful and making me me feel worse towards me.not helpful at all, but I’ll continue the course and finish it because I don’t want to feel like I didn’t give the best me towards it..If I didn’t continue on and gave up I probably would keep asking me.. What if I did complete it..

    Not sure if I helped you at all Quirky...

    Grandy

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  20. Paw Prints
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    20 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    You wrote "I am wondering if my parents or my grandparents spent time seeking to find their authentic self or worried how they could be themselves?" I think the answer must be yes, after all they were people just like us. The working class & the middle class were constrained in how they could express themselves, yet still they challenged the status quo and demanded their rights to choose. Think of the suffragette movement, women wanting the ability to be who they wanted to be not simply what they were told to be. While many lived their life as society demanded, seeing others fighting for their dreams must have made people question who they were & what they wanted.

    Paw Prints

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  21. Am I being unreasonable?
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    20 March 2019 in reply to Shelll
    Hi Shell, what an interesting reply. I'm going to do the Myer Briggs test and see how I go as have been quite confused lately about how I have dealt with a personal situation. I'm pretty sure about who I am, an extrovert, however I do very much believe in treating other people how I want to be treated myself. I also try to be as honest as I possibly can, without hurting others. I believe in Karma. Thank you for your great advice.
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  22. Am I being unreasonable?
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    20 March 2019 in reply to white knight
    That quote Tony, I think I'll get it tattooed on me, very good. We are also not here to live down to anyone's expectations.
  23. quirkywords
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    20 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello all, thanks for your posts and for everyone reading.

    Grandy, Paws, am I being unreasonable your posts have helped the discussion.

    Grandy your Post was helpful and encouraging. I am sorry your course is triggering you. I just feel overwhelmed but I will do what I can.

    Paws my parents and grandparents and no time one reason for navel gazing or analysis.

    Thanks for your contribution.

    Am I? I agree shells ideas are very helpful. Welcome am I to this post.

    Quirky

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  24. AndyR
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    21 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    HI Quirky

    just saw this thread again - I've been absent a while - and your question about when to call it quits really struck a chord. Hanging in there can be great I've found if I'm feeling like my resilience stores are strong enough to ride out the tough bits. If they're not I have in the past put the effort aside and focused on the small daily tasks that are the real building blocks of my well being.

    I know I get anxious with self directed self improvement courses and that can lead to the inner voice being particularly strong in a critical fashion - not trying hard enough, not getting it, wimping out, being lazy are all phrases offered up by the voice.

    While I do try to be mindful I've found the best result comes from working directly with my psychologist on exercises partly because in his rooms I feel safe enough to do so. And sometimes that brings me closer to knowing who myself is.

    Sorry if this is a ramble, just wanted to share some thoughts

    kind regards

    Andy

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  25. quirkywords
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    25 March 2019 in reply to AndyR

    Hello all,

    AndyR

    Thanks for your contribution to my thread.

    I live in a small village so going to see a specialist may take 6 months hence the online course, but I agree it can be hard to be self directed. I think I do not have enough motivation to even worry my inner critic.

    I appreciate your thoughts .

    Quirky

  26. Shelll
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    25 March 2019 in reply to Am I being unreasonable?

    Hi all and Hi Am I being unreasonable.

    Interesesting choice of name there. And you are welcome.

    Shell

  27. quirkywords
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    26 March 2019 in reply to Shelll

    Hello everyone

    Shell thanks for popping in and saying hello.

    Is the Myer Briggs test still used a lot now? I used to get a different result each time I took it. That just may be my moods .

    So I wonder

    Do people find personality tests helpful in finding out about themselves? Why?

    Quirky

  28. smallwolf
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    26 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi quirkywords,

    While I have not done the Myer Briggs one, I have done "other" ones and really do not find these reliable. The same test done at different times can produce different results. Two sites offering versions of the same test will give different results.

    I take them with a grain of salt.

    Tim

  29. quirkywords
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    26 March 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Tim.

    Thanks for your post. Part of me feels the same but another likes doing quizzes but I don't take the results seriously. I think over the years I have been told from these quizzes I have every undesirable trait and a few syndromes and disorders!!

    Quirky

  30. Shelll
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    26 March 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello all,

    Quirky I did the Myer Briggs test at group counselling a couple of years ago. I would not trust it completely but it sort of got you thinking about yourself. Sort of what you are like. I might do it again just to see if there are any changes since the last time I did it.

    The 5 love languages quiz that I mentioned about at the beginning of your thread. Well that one is quite useful. I still use what I learnt from it. It helped me to know my love language. Like how I naturally receive love and give love. It was so useful that I have two books one is aimed specially on the love languages of children.

    Anyway this particular quiz and books by the same author helped me see right back into my childhood. I pretty much always felt unloved/rejected My love language is very different to my parents. And different to my hubby’s as well. I will try and give an example.

    Hubby will do anything for me, ( depending if he is tired or not, think shift worker) He provides for me, he will clean my fan for me, change batteries in my torch,infact he keeps an eye on the torch to make sure there is always batteries working in it, wash dishes, hang my clothes out on the line in the sun. He does a lot for me. Now that I am writing this, I should be more thankful. I do not really ask him to do these things either. He is the same love language as my parents. It is “ acts of service”. I spent a long time ( wasted years) in my marriage thinking he did not love me. And still struggle with it at times. His way of naturally loving is by doing things for other people.

    Anyway, and sorry about the long essay. My love language is “quality time”. To feel loved, I just need someone’s undivided attention for even just a few minutes a day. And I am happier. I also tend to naturally give that to others.

    But I have learnt to give love to my hubby the way he bests feels loved himself. By doing things for him. I believe it is helping our marriage, well improving it. And also helped me understand that my parents were not rejecting me at all as well. ( sometimes I do forget this though and need reminding)

    I could go on and on with this. I find it fascinating. And if we knew our children’s love language then when they are young we could love them like that and maybe us humans would grow up with less mental and emotional issues.

    I do recommend this particular quiz and the books.

    And thanks if you read down this far. And sorry again, it is quite long and I did try to get to the point.

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