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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. Moonstruck
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    18 September 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Oh...I forgot to say thank you for "liking me the way I am"..that's very kind of you.

    actually I like me this way too...I think I'm terrific just the way I am..hahahah

  2. sparrowhawk
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    18 September 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    This is such a heartwarming thread -- thank you.

    I have been told to just be myself. But who am I? I don't know anymore. I've spent a huge part of my life trying to be what others want or tell me to be because I felt so unloved and inadequate and thought pleasing others was a way to get love. This has made me not only very unaware of myself and very reluctant to express my own wants/needs or even to direct myself, but it has also made me feel very, very bad about myself when I can't fulfil expectations (either real or perceived). Further, I tend not to believe compliments and feel really uncomfortable when complimented or praised. Coming out of a relationship of bullying, I think my sense of self-disappointment and self-frustration is heightened because I never knew where I stood with this person and they were more likely to criticise me than to give me some encouragement. And when I was corrected, the correction went on and on and was more of a personal attack rather than a reflection on behaviour. I always felt like I was doing the wrong thing. I'm not necessarily expecting a reply to all that but it feels good to vent here.

    Moonstruck, you are terrific. Go you!

  3. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    18 September 2019 in reply to sparrowhawk

    Greetings all

    Sparrowhawk, welcome to this thread.

    Bullying is something that makes us hard to like and respect out selves. I found for myself long time after the bullying has gone, my inner critic would start bullying me so I was worse to myself than the bully.

    I started to believe that I was worthless etc until I thought the bully would no longer have any power over me.

    I know I am sensitive maybe too much at times, but I am kind and caring and I am messy etc etc and this is who I am.

    Sparrow from reading your posts on other threads you have an insight into your behaviour and emotions and that is a great talent.

    Moon, I feel I am ok the way I am, so why do people feel they have to say relax or breathe, I would never say that to another human, I accept people the way they are but people feel they need to change me.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  4. sparrowhawk
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    18 September 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky, oh man, you just put in words exactly what I am feeling. I don't respect myself at all. Pretty sure I even set out to sabotage myself sometimes. My inner critic is probably worse than the bully was.

    How did you get to that point of thinking that the bully would have no power over you? I have limited contact with the person who bullied me, but even just thinking about seeing them makes me very anxious so I think they do still have some power even if they're not aware of it.

    You are a great person. Thanks for your kind words.

  5. quirkywords
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    19 September 2019 in reply to sparrowhawk

    hello everyone,

    Thanks sparrow hawk.

    Inthink you have to decide they won’t have power, the bullies,. You need to challenge their power of you and have faith in your self. You are stronger and braver than you think.

    Quirky

  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    9 October 2019 in reply to sparrowhawk

    Greetings everyone and new posters most welcome,

    I keep coming back to the title be yourself who am I?

    Some days I feel on track and feel confident and Inknow who I am yet a lot if the time I can feel,lost in a series of tangled thoughts.

    So a questions

    What do you feel gives you confidence to be who you and to get rid of self doubt?q

    Quirky

  7. Moonstruck
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    10 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    To do the thing I am good at...perhaps I am lucky in that there is something I excel at and discovered this at an early age.

    If you can find a particular skill that you know 100% you can do well.....then doing it as often as possible works wonders for me.

    Is there something you know you are good at Quirky?

  8. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    10 October 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon,

    To be honest I don't excel at anything , but can do a few things in an average way.

    I don't sing, dance or do anything physical, I am not mathematical, or scientific, or can paint or draw etc.

    Surely to be myself is to recognise my limitations. I like to write but so do many others and they are far more skilled than me.

    What is wrong with being average and adequate.

    I think that is my point why to be myself must I be good at something, that is not me.

    I am being realistic and not being humble.

    Quirky

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  9. Moonstruck
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    10 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    You may have misunderstood me dear Quirky...of course you don't have to be good at anything...you did pose the question in your last post " what do you feel gives you confidence to be who you are and get rid of self doubts?".

    .and in answer to your question, that is what I do...that thing I am good at....(the rest of the time I am terrified of everyday trivial things remember.?

    .i.e. going to an unfamiliar petrol station, making phone calls and appointments, where to park the car and the new car wash!!) I wish I could do those things in an average way, instead I try and avoid them because they scare me.. whereas to other folk, they post no challenge at all.....we are very complicated creatures, we humans! x

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  10. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    10 October 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Sorry moon,

    I sometimes go around in circles. I knew you were answering my question but for me trying to be good at something just makes me frustrated. I think when I feel my words have helped someone that gives me confidence.

    thanks for contributing to this thread and to the forum in general.

    Quirky

  11. Elizabeth CP
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    11 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I think it is great if we have something we feel we are good at and enjoy. Unfortunately some of us like myself when we think about being good compare ourselves to others. I was a maths teacher but I've not got a PHD or come up with the equivalent of Einsteins Theory of Relativity so I knew there were lots of people better than me. I know that is a far fetched example but it illustrates the point. We can always see someone better than us so we are just mediocre. Attempts to be 'good' at something just remind me of what I lack.

    My psych encouraged me to think in terms of 'good enough' instead. This means identifying what is important to you individually when doing something & aiming for that standard. For example I used to struggle with my housework. Of course 'everyone' could do it better than me. Now I focus on what matters to me & do it to that standard so it is good enough. My husband is blind so having everything in its correct place is important so we can both find things. I need to feel comfortable in my environment so having things around me that I like to look at including nice plants outside the windows is important. If the windows aren't spotless or the towels aren't changed daily it doesn't matter because I'm focusing on my standard not others. Getting fit for me means being able to walk & explore where I want without feeling exhausted. Lifting 200 kg or running a 25 km marathon is of no interest to me.

    The same principle applies to everything you want to do. Focus on what matters to you rather than what others can do. Aim to be 'good enough' to reach Your Own standards.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 October 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    hello all,

    lizabeth thanks for another thoughtful post,

    I with good enough or adegquate as good makes me think I am bragging.

    I like you words and I was trying to see this in my post but as usual became confused and confused others!!

    Focus on what matters to you rather than what others can do. Aim to be 'good enough' to reach Your Own standards.

    That is great to hear in a world where unless you are the best at something you feel less worthy so then people think why bother!

    Quirky

  13. Elizabeth CP
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    12 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    My definition of 'good enough' is not bragging. To me bragging is making out you are better than others & putting others down to make yourself seem better. In contrast aiming for 'good enough' is accepting we are human & therefore not perfect. We accept that others may be better than us in doing things but we are just focused on what is important to us as an individual.

    At the moment I'm ill so get frustrated because I can't do much. I try to remind myself that at this time the most important thing is to recover so I need to rest as much as possible. 'Good enough' today is just making sure my husband & I have a simple healthy meal nothing else is important until I get better.

    3 people found this helpful
  14. quirkywords
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    12 October 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all

    Elizabeth, you are right about good enough. I made so many typos last post my meaning was obscured. I meant I had a problem with the word good as it has a judgment attached. I am good at something then someone else is bad.

    I know that is not at all rational but that is who I am. also as a child was told never to say I was good at anything as it may mean I was bragging.

    I would like to take on your understanding of good enough but first I have to let go of how I was brought up.

    thanks again for your input to this thread.

    quirky

  15. quirkywords
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    25 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    greetings everyone,

    have a question,

    Do you feel you know yourself better than others? If so would you ignore advice from others as they dont know you as well as you do?

    Everyone welcome to comment.

    Quirky

  16. Ggrand
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    25 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky and all..🤗..

    I think we all know ourselves better then anyone else ever could...

    No..I don’t ignore advise given to me by others..especially here on BB...as the advise given to me by others here is from their heart and are trying to help me...Thats something that I value and appreciate so much...I also listen and try any advise that my mh team suggest I should try..

    People..in r/l...family friends etc....Yes I’ll listen and take it all in...and think about the advise with an open heart and mind..then decide if it’s of benefit to me yes I’ll listen, do, act on that advise..but if it’s going to be detrimental to me....I’ll definitely ignore that advise....

    Grandy..

  17. quirkywords
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    25 October 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Greetings all,

    Grandy thanks for your comment.

    I think on one level we may know ourselves better than others, but at times I know I am too close to myself to see the big picture.

    An example, I know if I eat too much chocolate ,and fatty foods, which I really like it is not food for me but I still at times eat too much chocolate. I have the knowledge but I don't follow through .

    I think assessing advice we get from others is a good idea and also looking at the source of the advice.

    When I was manic people told me I needed help yet I continued to wreck havoc as I thought I was having a great time. I did not know myself at all however I was not able to take on help I needed. It took me many years to realise the damage I was doing to myself and others.

    Thanks Grandy . I look forward to other comments.

    Quirky

  18. Elizabeth CP
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    26 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I agree with Grandy that we do know ourselves better than anyone (apart from cases where illness eg mania or cognitive issues clouds our understanding. Unfortunately sometimes our willpower/ motivation is not strong enough to overcome temptations we know are bad for us. Yes chocolate is a problem!!!

    The other thing is knowing ourselves doesn't always mean knowing what will help. For example I may know I feel sick but need the GP to assess & diagnose me & then use her expertise to prescribe treatment. There are lots of activities I've never tried so I don't know whether they'll suit unless I try them. Having someone else share their experience can inspire us to try something or we may decide base on our own experiences that it will not suit us. For example someone knowing I love adventure may recommend skydiving. They tell me about the exhilaration & the views which appeal but I know I hate being out of control so anything involved with falling or sliding down is extremely scary so I know that for me skydiving is on my list of don't EVER do.

    Years ago when I had my 1st child and was struggling my neighbour told me you'll get lots of conflicting advice on parenting so choose 1 or 2 sources you trust & listen to them & ignore the rest. She was a midwife & had her own children. I liked the way she treated them & I agreed with her values so I chose to listen to her. Another mother tried to give advice but I was horrified by the way she treated her step children so chose not to trust her advise. The same applies to any advise or suggestions filter it based on whether you trust the source & also how it fits with your knowledge about yourself. A few times my psych has recommended things I've disagreed with. I have listened to his reason but then explained why I think it is wrong for me. This has helped knowing he is willing to listen to understand me & thus built up more trust.

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  19. quirkywords
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    26 October 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Waves to everyone reading,

    Elizabethe thanks again for your well thought out comments.

    think this sentence is what I was trying to say but you pit so well.

    "The other thing is knowing ourselves doesn't always mean knowing what will help."

    I suppose that's what I mean, that sometimes other people who you trust may see what you need but we are so close to ourselves we can miss something obvious.

    I am enjoying reading people's ideas.

    Quirky

  20. CMF
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    30 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    Hi all,

    Definitely think I know myself better than others, especially those that don't understand or know my anxiety. However, I'm always interested in how others see me and open to ways on bettering myself.

    CMF x
  21. quirkywords
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    31 October 2019 in reply to CMF

    hello everyone.

    CMF

    thanks for your reply.

    I like this sentence.

    However, I'm always interested in how others see me and open to ways on bettering myself.

    That is a great way to look at life and be open to change.

    Quirky

  22. Elizabeth CP
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    31 October 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I think another important way of listening to others is when we are trying to do something really hard. By getting friends or family on board they can provide the support & encouragement to keep going.Of course we need to be careful who we get to help because we need support rather than pressure or negative comments.

    For example I joined Shell's thread on Walking Shoes when I was struggling to get back into regular walking. Encouraging comments, ideas & suggestions helped motivation.

    When I diet I now get my husband on board. His encouragement & checking on me in a positive way helps to stay on track. Recently I had been trying to get fit for a Trek I was doing. My son knew & often asked how I was going & made suggestions.At one point he put an app on my phone to help me track my progress. In these instances the people involved were enabling me to do what I had decided I wanted rather than just telling me what to do. We all have things we want to do but struggle physically or mentally to do it Having support & encouragements helps me succeed & therfore feel better about myself

  23. quirkywords
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    31 October 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all,

    Elizabeth,

    What a great post with helpful and practical ideas.

    I think getting help and support from others is a great idea.

    Quirky

  24. Elizabeth CP
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    1 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Another time when it is useful to listen to others is when you are unsure or stressed & having trouble making a good decision. By discussing what you are thinking about with someone you trust you can work through your thoughts & get other ideas. You don't need to agree. In fact sometimes having to listen to differing ideas & then trying to put your own view forwards can help clarify what is really important.

    An example years ago I was having problems in my marriage as well as other issues and saw a councilor. After finding out what I was like & my issues she made a suggestion which shocked me. Initially I saw all the problems & barriers money time etc etc. Eventually I realized she was right. It was hard because of the financial & time constraints but with her encouragement I followed through & I am grateful as it turned my life around. A different example someone I respected made a suggestion to help me overcome some problems I was going through. Even though I decided his suggestion was not for me it helped me see what really mattered to me but triggered some other ideas on a related theme which were helpful to me.

    The important thing is feeling free to express your own opinion & feeling you are being listened to so can make your own choice after being exposed to new ideas.

    3 people found this helpful
  25. quirkywords
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    1 November 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone reading,

    Elizabeth

    Thanks for your personal examples. These words of yours make so much senses.

    The important thing is feeling free to express your own opinion & feeling you are being listened to so can make your own choice after being exposed to new ideas.

    That is so true. your councillor gave you encouragement to make changes .

    I agree people can give a suggestion that you may not follow but it helps you work out what will help.

    Thanks again for your input.

    Quirky

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  26. quirkywords
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    8 November 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Greetings everyone,

    Do you feel that these days we think too much on who we are and think about ourselves to the extent we ruminate and worry , and obsess too much about ourselves.

    Or is it good we have insight into who we are?

    Quirky

  27. Ggrand
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    9 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky and everyone..🤗..

    I think it’s important that we have insight to who we are are, so we can help ourselves when we need to...

    Obsessing to much about ourselves..for me I don’t do it consciously to start with...for me it’s usually a trigger that sets of rumination, downers, negative thoughts etc...and that’s when the obsessiveness begins..trying to stop them and get back up.. can be exhausting because now I’m consciously ruminating and obsessing and questioning myself to stop it all...looking deep inside my thoughts to find a way out of where I am....In a way I think that’s where I need insight into my illness to help myself on a daily basis...by knowing our triggers and trying hard by keeping away from them the best we can...is important..to our/my mental health..

    Love ...

    Grandy..

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  28. quirkywords
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    9 November 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand and all those reading,

    I agree that insight and obsession can be difficult to distinguish at times.

    Ggrand, I agree identifying our triggers is important for our health so we need to be so aware of what upsets us and what helps us.

    Quirky

  29. Doolhof
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    9 November 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky, Grandy and All,

    I'm thinking that it may depend how we formulate the thought and image about ourselves.

    Are we investigating what makes us tick because we want to criticize ourselves or because we want to learn more about ourselves to make positive changes?

    Are we so focussed on ourselves that we don't allow room for other people in our lives?

    A counsellor connected tot he new employment agency I am attending is trying to help me see what situations and events in my life have shaped me into the person I am and where to from here.

    Hopefully this understanding will help me to consider options and change for the best.

    Looking at ourselves can be beneficial I believe if we do it in a healthy manner. Accept what we don't like and see what we can change.

    Cheers from Dools

  30. quirkywords
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    9 November 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello everyone reading,

    Mrs Dools,

    Thnaks for your thoughtful reply.

    I like the way you are open to taking on new ideas to improve yourself.

    This sentence makes so much sense to me.

    You wrote “ Looking at ourselves can be beneficial I believe if we do it in a healthy manner. Accept what we don't like and see what we can change.“

    I think many of us like me can get defensive and set in our ways when a change of behaviour is suggested. I think being open to possibilities does help,

    .Are we investigating what makes us tick because we want to criticize ourselves or because we want to learn more about ourselves to make positive changes?

    That is such a good question. I would say the latter but I know it can turn into the former.

    I want to be less impatient and and less irritable and try to change but may be discouraged and start telling myself how I can never change as it is too hard and I am too old to change!!

    Thanks for sharing those ideas Mrs Dools.

    What do others think of Mrs Dools post ?

    Quirky

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