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Forums / Staying well / Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

Topic: Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

  1. missep123
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    25 October 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    This is truly a thought-provoking thread.

    I know I am a kind person and I really love getting along with people! BUT as a chronic people pleaser I put so much value into how others think about me and I worry that they may perceive me as a certain way. Sometimes I wish I didn't 'think' so much.

    Does anyone else relate to this?

    3 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
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    25 October 2021 in reply to missep123

    Hi Missep

    Yes, I come from a family of worriers. This aspect of my personality I disliked very much and fecided to do something about it. Its all in my thread

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

    When our mind does things we dont want it to do (loss of control) it can have a marked effect on our own confidence.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Sleepy21
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    26 October 2021 in reply to missep123

    Hi missep,

    I was just thinking about this today. People pleasing is hard, I feel like I was socialised to be afraid that if I didn't agree or assist others , be very nice etc, that everything would go wrong. I was taught to be ice and empathetic to everyone, but mean to myself.

    it is still hard to care for my own needs. I understand people-pleasing.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. quirkywords
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    26 October 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello everyone,

    sleepy and Missep , I too am a people pleaser and actually thought it was a good thing to people pointed out it could have problems. It was how is was brought up. I suppose if you are a people pleaser to the extent you are neglecting your own needs then it can be a problem.
    I thought everyone was a people pleaser. Maybe there is Blanche between always putting others needs first and always putting our own needs. I know if I do put my own needs first I feel guilty. So I am still working on this. how does being a people pleaser affect how I like myself.? I am not sure . I like helping others but I do t like feeling like a doormat.

    memekitty, thanks for your kind words. I think everyone on the forum helps to make this is a supportive and caring place.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. smallwolf
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    27 October 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    hey quirky and everyone.

    you asked

    how does being a people pleaser affect how I like myself.?

    I am a people pleaser myself which means that how much I like myself is bound by how much another person likes what I have done or achieved. That is, my self worth is tied up in another person.If I have helped someone, I can feel good. And the opposite. I hope that makes sense.

    Not sure if this is the opposite of a people pleaser, but some people I know are self-centered, someone who looks after themself only.

    there are pros and cons of each type of person. As a people pleaser we generally say YES to each request. Fingers crossed we do a good enough job.

    Maybe sometimes we should have said NO to a request. A way of setting boundaries. Fwiw, this is what I am currently working on with my psychologist.

    3 people found this helpful
  6. mmMekitty
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    27 October 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Quirkywords & Smallwolf,

    Anyone raised to say 'yes' whenever asked to do something? I was. Saying 'no' was not an option, nor was being unsure if I should or not, just say 'yes' & start moving.

    I also didn't learn there were boundaries, That I could set any would have seemed like science fiction. I had to learn the hard way that I could say 'no' because doing otherwise would have been too dangerous. For a long time, being uncomfortable didn't matter, not enjoying what was asked didn't matter, caring for myself & my safety first wasn't even an idea, let alone an acceptable consideration. & all the while, I'm supposed to smile.

    Even things like, if there is an extra biscuit, I, & my sibs, were supposed to ask if anyone else wanted it, first.It does go back to the manners we were taught from our youngest years. I distinctly recall being asked if I had asked if anyone else had wanted the last 'cookie' (being in USA back thetn).

    We first learned how to be subserviant to our parents, or whoever raised us, then our teachers,& other adults all around, as our world grew,it seems more people could tell us what to do. We were continually told to do what we were told, without consideration for how we felt.

    How else might have I reacted but to think my interests, feelings, thoughts, likes & dislikes, wants, even needs, didn't matter, so I didn't matter either.

    It is a struggle every time I have to ask for something for myself. & still I do not feel comfortable with having done so, & getting what I had asked for. I continue to feel I don't deserve it.

    I wouldn't call myself a 'people pleaser', because I don't do what I was asked or told to do because I wanted them to feel good, & be pleased with me, but instead, I don't want to get into trouble, & to keep them from getting angry at me, or thinking I was selfish - I am avoiding the negative assessment of me & my character by saying 'yes.'.

    mmMekitty

  7. Mum Chris
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    28 October 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi White knight,

    After reading this post it reminded me that I used to be a worrier and I suffered so badly with fear and worry. Now I am detached from my worry now and for me my fears are real and sharing my skin. It is thought provoking for me to look back at a few years ago and think of how it was. I went to see a doctor and he said oh not depression or anxiety it is worry. Try to stop worrying as it is bad for your health. LOL Super idea

    I think I have a tangle of emotions and at its core may be worry.

    This thread on do you like yourself and simple answer is no. I don't, I fail, I am overly angry, I am weak, I let people down, I am lazy, I avoid conflict, I don't like people or trust others. I can keep going.

    I know that logically that I have to start liking me to move to a place of feeling worthy of a good life.

    I am going to take some time off work and work on liking me and being kind to me. habits can be formed, stop the self hatred talk in my head. Find a quiet place and relax. I am fairly isolated. I have shut out the world.

    Put some effort into getting back to being creative and digging in the garden. Do things that i am passionate about or used to be passionate about. Stop looking over my shoulder and jumping at loud or soft sounds. Put my fiercely protective side into protecting me.

  8. blondguy
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    28 October 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris...(and a wave to the caring members above)

    Thankyou for being a part of the discussion and welcome too!

    You mentioned 'This thread on do you like yourself and simple answer is no'....and fair enough. I wrote this thread 5 years ago as I felt the same way and have been taking life less seriously since

    Just a gentle observation if thats okay....If you really didnt like yourself you wouldnt have the confidence you possess at this time to post on this thread topic

    You are strong for doing so Mum Chris 👍

    I hope you can stick around the forums....You speak from the heart

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Mum Chris
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    28 October 2021 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    Thanks I want to like myself and feel good about me. I must have some desire and like me or want me to feel better and do life better as you point out. I’ve taken some major blows and I have been coping by pretending things are ok.
    last night I slept with a positive message and relaxation music on and 1 earbud

    I found myself rewriting history again only remembering the good and leaving out the bad. I hate that side of me so I slept listening to how wonderful my spirit is and how things that happened to me do not define me etc. in the middle of it all I woke up crying with a terrible panic thinking no this is not true I’m failing at work life and family. I had to breath deep and tell myself no. Go to sleep your ok. Your safe there’s no one in the house that can hurt you the doors are locked cameras are on and your dogs here beside your bed. I went back to sleep the panic passed.
    good to sleep

    ive taken time off work next week I’m on leave for 7 days and I see a new psych so I’m hoping I can get some good strategies. I’m also on half the medication I was before. I’m not as physically sick as I was when I was in the bad situation. I had pills to slow my heart beat and some to stop cortisol and anxiety meds (I’m allergic to ssri meds) and 2 pills at night. Steroids for autoimmune reactions. Currently I’m on 1&1/2 pills at night. Dr has me on vitamins to help me heal.
    im hopeful today. A friend asked me why and what I was thinking when I got so low I didn’t want to go on. I found it hard to tell her because not one thing and I think I need to speak to her today she may be very low. She was one of the few people I spoke to and I cut her out of my life until just recently. I’m trying to get back out there and let people into my life.
    I just feel so different to everyone else I really feel like people don’t like me and they talk at work because they have to. Urgh last day of work before holidays

    thank you for listening

    1 person found this helpful
  10. mmMekitty
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    29 October 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi MumChris,

    I was pleased to see you have one friend who is asking after you, & willing to talk with you about what is happening in your life. Certainly you will have a lot to talk about, so keep in mind, it does not have to be a single conversation You could even say something to that effect from the start.

    Friendship includes much give & take, so are you prepared to be there for your friend, at least as much as they are for you? Maybe not NOW, but at some time in the future, your friend may need you too.

    ...Sort of like how it works here on BB, isn't it? What we learn we can pass along, or back into our relationships . & that can boost our own self-esteem. 😸

    I do feel good about myself when I think I have been able to voluntarily help someone else,, rather than when I was told I had to. That makes a huge difference.

    mmMekitty

  11. Mum Chris
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    29 October 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi

    Baby steps for me I did ask her if she was ok and she’s fed up with a health issue and it’s getting her down. I just said don’t be like me get help now really I’m in no place to help.
    I was doing ok and I got home got out of my car and burst into tears. A full week of smiling has been enough.
    im in my room flat out on the bed and I can’t get my brain to have one thought it’s a dozen at a time. I’m sad really sad. Why do terrible things happen to me and why do I have to overcome them. It’s not fair I try to live a good life and I try to not do harm. I sound like a whinger self centred pity party and it is but the fact is my life has been torn apart. How long before it stops hurting. When will I get angry and get over it. I have 1 more week till I see the psych and it seems to far away. Some disassociation would be nice now

  12. Moonstruck
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    29 October 2021 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul.....It would be awful if I didn't like myself...because wherever I go, there I am......xx

  13. mmMekitty
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    29 October 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris,

    Would you phone BB's scounsellingervice 1300 22 46 36, while waiting to see your psych next week? You can also keep talking to us.

    For many of us, the road is bumpy, lots of pot holes, wrong turns, & it feels like we have nothing to guide us safely through. It is not quite like that, though, I realise, everytime my PDr goes on a break. I fear the worst, pull whatever I have to pull tight around me to protect myself, & grit my teeth until he is back. But I KNOW, I will be okay. The moments of dispair don't last so much, & the next day looks better, I mean, aproximately, relatively, nothing is actually certain, but I actually really do manage until I talk to him again.That's what I remind myself of now. I think, slowly, I am getting better, more resilliant as time goes by & I experience his being away more times, & even those long breaks I know will not be so bad as I imagine.

    We learn to ride these waves, storms, whatever we call them. In doing so, we llearn how we can trust & rely upon ourselves to support ourselves. We can do it.

    For now, though, I am here, other people on BB are here. Phone 1300 22 46 36 & someone will answer & talk with you more directly.

    mmMekitty

  14. quirkywords
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    11 November 2021 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon that is true for many people feel awful as they don’t like themselves. I had a friend who had been told by her family her husband and her children that she was not a good daughter, wife and mother so much so she believed them. It was sad to see this clever caring person have so much self loathing. It took her years to realise she could learn to like herself.

    I wonder if our parents and grandparents ever asked themselves if they liked themselves or is it a more modern thing.
    my pop told me he was to busy to ever wonder if he was happy.
    i know I overthink sometimes about if I like myself.
    The main thing I want to change is The way. I am very sensitive to what others say to me.

    I am working on it.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. randomx
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    11 November 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Haaa , too busy to ever wonder if he was happy , love it quick.

    life can get like that eh , been that way myself for long periods too at times it's only been this last 7, 8 yrs l'd realized l fell into that trap and l hadn't been happy at all. Forgot to the most important part and to be smelling the roses along the way. Mind you not to say it was that way for your pop , some people are also really happy as well while doing whatever they're so busy doing.

    Tbh though , lately , l'm back to thinking all this analyzing, too much in the head talking about it chatter and way too much thinking, is not doing me any good at all.

    Maybe your pop had the right idea eh.

    rx

  16. Mum Chris
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    12 November 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi

    im not sure it’s just a modern thing. I think it was covered up. Some were strange or different.
    instead of not expressing my thoughts I’m now bubbling over with soo many thoughts.
    im reactive and fed up. I’m sick of me and all around me.
    I have allowed people to walk on me and undervalue me. How do I know what my value is. I decide step down and get back.
    What will me look like. Do I have the energy to drag me out of this crap. I’m so so annoyed at me. How could I lay down my life. Do I like me mmmm that is a question. I like what I want me to be. I want to be calmer. I want to be less angry. I want to be nicer.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. mmMekitty
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    12 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi Mum Chris,

    On this forum you have come across as a very nice person, kind & caring, perhaps too hard on yourself I think.. .no, definitely too hard on yourself. 😸

    But okay, don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to sound sarcastic, but dissatisfaction sounds like a place where change can start. Knowing what you want to change, & how you want to be more like in future is also important. You have a goal to work towards.

    May you keep striving.

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  18. quirkywords
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    13 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Mum Chris can you like the me you are now who wants to change or even the me who may not change?

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  19. Doolhof
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    18 November 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    It is tough when my mind decides I can like myself only as much as I think other people might like me!

    I need to look at and mentally record the moments when I connect with people in a positive manner that will help to enhance my sense of well-being.

    I also need to accept the times when I feel other people are not happy with me. That is their problem right and not mine?

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Mum Chris
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    18 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    mmMekitty

    my husband loved the song that said “you are a cinema a Hollywood thriller” or something like that he said it reminded him of me and how I filled a room and he loved being around me. Yep happy me is a thousand emotions. Terrified Sad exhausted me is not. I’m very defeated and isolated. Even in a crowded room.
    im a little better I’m not totally hating myself and blaming myself for everything.
    I told the psychologist that I tried everything to teach my children compassion forgiveness and empathy and she said You can’t teach empathy. I mean why not I can teach how to read write do maths drive fish play sport. While it made me sad it lifted some guilt. I was suffering under the burden of I had 1 job raise healthy individuals regardless of the situation and I failed miserably. I’m still feeling like a total failure but not so much agony about it. If you know what I mean. Pain but not crushing agony. I’m not feeling like I’m in danger from me that I’m safe around me. That’s a bit of a huge step.
    maybe I am a nice person and I don’t have to listen to the people that don’t want me to be happy.
    What would I say to someone that is down. It’s ok you will be ok. I’m here for you. 😍

    1 person found this helpful
  21. missep123
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    21 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hi everyone,

    it is so great to see everyone supporting each other here. I felt very comforted to know I wasn't the only one feeling a certain way!

    I was watching a show today and the psychologist mentioned reframing what we think negatively about ourselves into a positive.

    For example -> "I worry too much", can be turned into 'I really put a lot of care and thought into everything I do'.

    It really felt 'lighter' after I reframed it, I'm not sure how else to describe this! Has anyone else tried this technique before?

    1 person found this helpful
  22. white knight
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    22 November 2021 in reply to missep123

    Hi Missep and all

    Such "reframing" can imo be part of what I see as subtle redirection of influencing our thought and attitude processes.

    Similar to a metaphoric post (depression, a ship on the high seas) if we see our life as a large cruiseliner sailing in the wrong direction to other ships...we can only turn our rudders slightly, not radically to be with the others.

    Such minor rudder changes improve our life quality immensely but in proper perspective we won't cure anything. That leads me to believe that as cure is not possible then liking yourself a lot is unlikely to be achieved.

    Is that a bad thing? Not at all. Better, more accurate perspective can lead us to more effective actions. Eg "I'm going to love myself like my friends love themselves, they are so confident" can be swapped with "I'll make up a list of things I like about myself".

    Setting our goals so high usually means they won't be reached. Our rudders are damaged, we can't turn that sharp.

    As long as we don't sink, we can find contentment. We might not be able to steer accurately but, boy, we are a beautiful ship.

    TonyWK

    3 people found this helpful
  23. Doolhof
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    22 November 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK, missep123 and all reading,

    Thanks for your thoughts and comments here. Sometimes my mind becomes confused with all the different ways of thinking and suggestions I have read in books and heard from psychologists on hoe to move forward and change my perspective.

    Recently I've been seeking help for past traumas. I'm told that events from child hood have etched into my mind and body and need unravelling so I can move on. I'm told I need to re-wire my thoughts and brain waves. I need help to do this. There is so much I can do to help myself, I also need assistance to unravel stuff.

    Yesterday I woke up struggling with the day. I did try to re-word what I was thinking. I tried to like myself enough to get on with my day and try to make the most of it. I didn't seem to have the energy to go for a walk so I did some gardening.

    My thoughts started to over whelm me, I tried to change them, to see the memories in a different light. The thoughts were too strong, so I read a book.

    Sometimes I can connect the triggers to past trauma and tell myself I am not that scared child any longer.

    At the end of the day I did like myself because I had tried. I accepted the limits of what I could do and took the time to read when my mind was overwhelming me.

    As I drive to work today, I will tell myself that I am a good person, I am trying to do my job to the best of my ability, if people become angry and frustrated about Government rules they need to follow, that it is their business not mine.

    May we all find something to like and admire about ourselves today.

    5 people found this helpful
  24. mmMekitty
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    23 November 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Doolhof,

    I've been working at unravelling my past for quite a while. I find it wants to tangle up again, so I have to unravel again. Just when I think I have gained a more 'adult' perspective, which I can appreciate alongside my 'child's perspective, (who definitely didn't know or understand much) I find my feelings are still the child's & it is confusing.

    Slowly, with a lot of patience with myself, because this will take time.

    I have to allow insight to filter gently into my awareness. & allow my child in there to have a voice. That is most important to me - to give my child what was not available before.

    I've learned to accept some conflicting thoughts & feelings, which I hope to one day resolve, or be at peace with the discontinuity. I say to myself, I can be a lumpy patchwork, all sorts of colours & shapes. Why not? Indeed, maybe I don't need answers for all the questions I've had, or to fill in all the pieces in order to like & accepts, & live with myself.

    I'm not there, yet, but do I really have to go as far as I once thought I did? I don't know. All I know is that some answers will never be known, or there are no answers for some aspects, but that does not mean I am incomplete, or lacking in any way. Tha'ts what I am still working on.

    What you are doing is good, taking time out, doing other things, because we cannot do it all at once. We'll all have times when e feel we've moved foreward, back, found a side road, which might be useful or another distraction, because the main road is too overwhelming, for now, & that's okay. Don't push yourself into failure. Do what you can, when you are able.

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Doolhof
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    23 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi mmMekiity,

    Thanks for your comments and insight. I know I am far too tough on myself at times and would dearly love to be more of the kind, caring, loving person I know is trapped inside this depressed mind, instead of the conflicted person wavering on the brink of darkness so often.

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  26. Adalaide
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    24 November 2021
    I truly feel like this is such a deep question - I have learnt a lot in the last year about myself and it has definitely helped me learn to love myself more but hating myself has been such a big issue for me for so long that I still catch myself using very negative self-talk. After suffering with an ED and depression, it has meant that there are certain thoughts that I still haven't quite shaken but I'm learning to do better everyday.
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  27. Ggrand
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    24 November 2021 in reply to Adalaide

    Hello everyone...

    I think that acceptance and patience are the most important requirement for us to have...and maybe our own awareness...of knowing liking ourself is possible.....and needed for us to survive ourselves..

    We have all done so many great things....and out of those great things is the fact that with all our struggles....We have made it this far....I don’t know why we stop liking ourselves...maybe it’s our inner critic...but I do know that
    We all deserve love and joy...and all that love we give to others, we also should give to ourselves...We all deserve our love...

    I find it hard to understand why we continually fight our selves, to give us the self compassionate and love we deserve...that’s what our souls were born with....We give it so easily and freely to other people...so why is it so hard to give it to ourselves?

    I think I’m right in saying that everyone posting or reading here....likes everyone else..and it’s not hard to do that...Why not like just one more extra person...yourself...You who is helping others by supporting other people here, you have given kind words to other people here, you who have shown so much compassion to the other people here...Maybe just take some time to think about it....Really, what’s not to like about yourself?...Everyone here is so very kind, caring, supportive, compassionate..and we are one of these everyone..

    I hope everyone can like themselves enough to do something nice for themselves today...

    My kindest thoughts beautiful people..
    Grandy..



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  28. mmMekitty
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    24 November 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy, & everyone,

    When we sit & think about it, as you have, it does seem so 'weird', irrational to continue to deny ourselves what we would freely & happily give others. I don't understand it either. time & time again, I either think &/or act in ways that say, 'I'm not worth it', 'I don' deserver it', 'everyone else is better than me', & 'no one is going to care about me, & rightly so'. & more... I still do not give full recognition to compliments & praise directed to me, as if I was in their shoes, I would not think I'd done anything worthy of mention, so don't believe when someone does thank me for anything.

    It is so illogical, really, I have to press on the point, REALLY I AM THE SAME AS ANYONE. I'm still tryig to convince myself this is true.

    Logically, too, we can't all be at the bottom of the pile, with, literally, everyone else above us. Why does it seem we are so eager to be the least amongst all? It's like a competition, & I can just about hear us all clamouring, 'no, I'm worst', 'no, I'm worst', all of us saying the same thing. (Well, no, not all, I note, having to remind myself, I have seen some here who have grown out of this.)

    At every opportunity, we need to give ourselves a break, to be kind & forgiving, as we are to others. We have to consciously make an effort to do this, or we will never genuinely feel good about ourselves.

    mmMekitty

  29. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    186 posts
    24 November 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hi everyone

    I find this thread so helpful and introspective while being so supportive.

    I used to think mental health issues were caused by thinking about yourself too much and to get over it by helping others unless you had a chemical inbalance Judgy me hey. Hard on myself and hard on others.
    I don’t give myself time to feel and heal. It’s all go go go must be better what’s the solution.
    I don’t think I would be vulnerable but what a lot of rubbish. So many times in my life I have been crushed and wounded and it’s suck it up princess.
    This time I’m putting in the time and treating myself nicely. I’d drive a long distance to help a loved one so I’m driving myself to Pdrs Gym cafes and catch ups with friends. I’m taking time to have a bubble bath and ironing my clothes.
    Haven’t tackled the dishwasher it seems such a huge agonising job. I’ll swap any job to avoid that. I packed away winter clothes and got all the summer clothes.
    All these self care things take so much effort and I’m told it will help my mental health.
    I still feel like I’m an alien hiding in plain site there’s a lot of of fractured emotions pinging in my head. I’m amazed I can function at all with the rabble that’s going on in there. Sometimes they are quiet and calm but mainly asleep and all it takes is for me to listen to it and it gets loud and overcomes me and panic and catastrophe awaits me. I’m using different methods sometimes it’s no I’m here I’m ok and breathe and also motivation mantras and music and I close my eyes. Or big cry reach out for help still bad enact safety plan. Grief is sometimes overwhelming.
    im still fake it till you make it but I’m trying and trying to share love and not isolate.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    24 November 2021 in reply to Mum Chris

    Hello Everyone,

    I want to thank you all for being so open and willing to share how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.

    Recently I have tried to explain to a friend what is like to be deeply depressed and to not like yourself. That thought was totally foreign to her, she had no idea people felt as I do.

    I lent a friend a book on Border Line Personality Disorder and they were shocked to comprehend just how twisted a person's thinking can become due to BPD.

    Maybe if others were more aware of the whole picture of mental health conditions they may be a little more tolerant and understanding.

    Wishing you all a day where you can proudly and excitedly do something for yourself!

    This morning I have expanded out of my comfort zone and have sent out a text message to catch up with a friend on Monday for a coffee.

    kind regards to you all from Dools

    3 people found this helpful

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