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Forums / Staying well / Overstaying their welcome

Topic: Overstaying their welcome

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    23 May 2015

    Considering ,many of us that have a mental illness live our lives in extremes, we have to realise that many or even most of our behaviour is at the ends of tolerance.

    My wife and I have a dear friend. He's 81yo and we met him when riding our motorcycles in this vast country of ours. This week he arrived unannounced as he didnt have our phone number. We made him welcome. He is single and lonely. He left today, 6 days after her arrived. In my mind he stayed 2-3 days too long. So how did I tolerate these last few day?

    My main method was to go for a short walk or bury my head in the garage and leave him talking to my wife. Bare in mind that there is zero wrong with this visitor of ours....its all got to do with my level of tolerance of others. It has upset my routine, I've had dozens more coffees and teas than usual and I delayed my personal projects I love doing. This is where the guilt comes in.

    We are retired. We should be able to delay projects. We should tolerate visitors especially the friends we have because we have surrounded ourselves with kind loving people and one of them is this fellow. But 3 days is my max before I really want them to leave. On this occasion this chap was from Tassy and he arrived here earlier than he expected as the friends he was going to visit had moved and he, all of a sudden, had 6 days left with nowhere to go. So I dont think this is going to be the norm.

    As I said, its my guilt I'm wrestling with. My inability to be patient (and I've tried everything there). I do "blame" it on my issues of bipolar 2, dysthymia, depression etc but whatever it is thats responsible one cant pull tolerance out of a hat and apply it. And one moves away from mentioning the dreaded words "I've got a mental illness" to explain when you need to have space for even 30 minutes to clear your head.

    How do you deal with these "demons" that wrestle within?

    Tony WK

  2. HA1
    Champion Alumni
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    HA1 avatar
    566 posts
    23 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hi White Knight

    Another very profoundly thoughtful post.  It really hits right home with what (I am sure) what many of us must be battling with.  As for me, well I am not really dealing very well with these demons.  I tend to escape!

    It funny (??) though, I have noticed that my partner nowdays feels very comfortable in explaining away my 'odd' behaviour by referring to my mental illness.  Does that make me feel good?  I think, WK, that you know the answer to that.  OK, so I may have been diagnosed with various 'major depressive disorders' plus, plus.  But I still think (rightly or wrongly) that I am an individual, and that the way I feel and behave,well that is just me.  I am not crazy.

    Over the last few days I have come across quite a few 'travellers' that have one form of mental illness or another.  I feel ashamed that I don't have the time, or inclination, to share my issues with them.  Is that bad or wrong?  I have no patience to listen to or absorb their views. Why?  If I met them on the road, I would enjoy their company more perhaps, than if I knew that they suffered just like me. Why am I like this? 

    This is probably way off track with what you started with in your post but, hey, my interpretation and reaction.

    Take care WK

    K

     

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    23 May 2015 in reply to HA1

    Hi K

    Indeed it isnt off track. This event of mine over the last week involves a "cocktail" of emotions, feelings, thoughts and many other things.

    Others, usually partners of carers referring to "her mental illness" as being responsible for this or that is unsavoury. One could explain away ever minor indiscretion, mistake, accident or behaviour by this. Sad, very sad. Not only sad for us but sad for society that somehow facts about mental illness hasnt been explained well enough. mmm, maybe we could counter it like this?

    At a bbq you are cooking (at your own place) and a conversation begins among others. Then you burn the snags. Most people smile and say thats ok, but someone says "thats due to her/his attention deficit disorder". You could reply "just like how your brown shoes are responsible for you catching the flu"?

    But of course it isnt in us is it?

    I have learned that those of us that possess such illnesses also are (in most cases) honest, caring understanding and we blurt...out what we think. That puts us well ahead in the frankness stakes. lol

    Tony WK

  4. vicman
    vicman avatar
    11 posts
    3 June 2015 in reply to white knight
    Hi White Knight, Many people have feelings of guilt when they can’t or don’t want to do as other would have them. Personally I spent much of my life doing the “right” thing by others in an attempt to win their approval. I have learnt the hard way we, each and every one of us has the right to say no. If this situation was to arise again then I’d be inclined to tell the visitor upon arrival that they are welcome to stay for a set number of nights but then you have plans and they have to leave by  ...day. It takes time to develop assertiveness but remember you have rights too and you are not responsible for the feelings of others. Be gentle but firm.
    1 person found this helpful

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