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Forums / Staying well / Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

Topic: Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

  1. quirkywords
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    12 April 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hi all,

    Starting New, That loud inner critic at night is annoying especially the voice that just as I hit the pillow decides to review all the mistakes I have made in my life!! Does not help my sleep patterns at all.

    Elizabeth, I can so relate to your reply. Being a classic people pleaser I feel I can not win at all.

    here are threads on here about setting boundaries that can let us help pothers but not so much that it will affect our health.
    Maybe you could phone your family member if more practical support is not feasible.

    Of course I do not know the particulars and details of the situation but you need to find a way to protect yourself but help in some way if that is your nature. I know if I get overwhelmed by doing too much or getting over involved emotional it will bring me down. years ago I offered to look after a friends children for a couple of hrs a week to give her a break when she was having relationship and emotional difficulties.

    I could have done more but she appreciated that I offered and did help her.

    these are only my thoughts are maybe total inappropriate for your situation. It is a dilemma setting bloundaries and one that has been discussed and will continue to be discussed in the future.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  2. IsaJett
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    12 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey have you ever tried a mediation talk down app before ...to put you to sleep

    I used "Jason stephensen mediation sleep peace" type these words in youtube on your phone..I guarantee you sleep well..

    it kinda save me too many days ..i lost count

    Stay well :-)

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  3. startingnew
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    13 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    oh yes Quirky! my IC is rather good at that too. and like you i noticed they are around more when sick.

    there is something though ive been curious about with others/everyones IC's though- does anyone have any unusual triggerrs that set them off? perhaps something out of the norm that sets those voices and internal critics off

  4. quirkywords
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    13 April 2018 in reply to IsaJett

    Hello everyone,

    Isabel I am not into apps butI have listened to meditation programs it's no luck but will look at your link.

    SN, What a good question- are you taking over my role>??!!

    I think Tony has a threa dabout triggers and I would say yes sometimes I am not even aware of the triggers until I am upset and agitated.

    Sometimes it can be a word that reminds me of a forgotten or hidden memory .

    I am not sure how to be aware of the triggers when i dont know what they are until after they have hurt me.

    What do others think about SN's question.?

    Quirky
  5. startingnew
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    13 April 2018 in reply to IsaJett

    hi IsabelSabrina im sorry i thought i had responded earlier! ive tried lots of different things however not much helps me with sleep. im a chronic insomniac and even with gp prescribed sleepers im often up all hrs of the night. i only get around 2-3 hrs a night of broken sleep if im lucky. the only thing that i find to be quite useful atm is essential oils in an diffuser- best thing ive found yet!

    but i do find things that are guided like breathing/meditation/pmr exercises it keeps the IC and whatever else pops up for a little bit. thank you so much for sharing!

    oppsy sorry Quirky went a little bit off Topic

    uh.. im hoping i wasnt stepping on your toes-if so im sorry, im rather inquisitive lol

    i think im on Tonys thread with triggers but will take a look again, it might be one im not on as yet. Like you alot of the time im not sure what triggers me ( i think its a work in progress for us all!!) but often they send my thoughts esp the self doubt however ive noticed one of mine in particular trigger of mine that makes things much worse and that is pain- including physical pain. ive been trying to work it out before i asked the question here and have found a specific pattern when pain occurs and was confirmed again last night - ive boken my finger including both joints and stops just before my knuckle, brusied bone in adjoining fingers as well as all the soft tissue and nerve damage- so its rather painful and abit of journey ahead until breaks healed plus phyio. but having a shower tonight gave me a panic attack and how pathetic i felt with struggling with it and it upset me that ive lost abit of that independence, got myself together but then realised my method to keep the splint dry hadnt worked so had a spare splint but it takes 2 people to change it so needed help again so it got to me again and reduced to tears- and even as i type my IC is screaming all sorts of things like being worthless, pathetic, no good, useless, stupid, i should be able to do them etc etc.

    do you find when you encounter triggers it activates the self doubt and voices such as my own?

    im really interested in hearing others thoughts too.

    oh Quirky and Nat (if your still reading along) would be you able to give a little bit of advice on the ' A Question for new members (and regulars)' im not sure if its appropriate thread but you guys might be able to direct me elsewhere..

  6. Chloe_M
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    13 April 2018

    Hello startingnew (wave to quirky),

    to get my inner critic to shut up, I tell myself this: "you is kind, you is smart, you is important". It is a quote from a movie called The Help (you would get it anyone who has seen it).

    I also try and put myself into someone else's shoes. I think from my best friends' or a family members perspective. I try and think of myself how they would think of me. And they love me. So I try to love myself.

    chloe

  7. quirkywords
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    14 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Hello everyone reading,

    Chloe, I liked the movie and the book the help. Thanks for the quote.

    Yes, I have often said about treating ourselves like we would a friend or a loved one, but that can be hard to do at times. I am glad it works for you. thanks for your thoughts they are very helpful.

    Quirky

  8. Moonstruck
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    14 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky...I have just realised that maybe, it's not so much my "inner critic" i.e. the critical part of me that causes me so much anxiety.....but...what I "imagine" others are thinking of me. I have a tendency to over-think things and even verge on being a bit paranoid about what others see, think, how they react, their opinions of me etc.......its not so much"me"criticising myself.

    e.g. I sent a family member I am very close to an email earlier this week and no reply. I agonised for ages..."imagining" the reason why he hadn't responded. "perhaps he took offence at my mentioning X..maybe he's having more marriage problems right now, maybe he's upset, hurt, depressed....and and...you name it!

    he texted before saying he'd got the email OK...and apologised not answering straight away...very busy week at work, school hols etc...but sounded OK...said he's working today but will give me a call tomorrow. (forgive my rambling, just wanted to share this realisation that it's not so much ME criticising myself ...but how I imagine others are criticising me......does that sorta make sense?.......have a great weekend ....xx

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  9. startingnew
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    14 April 2018

    Thank you for the suggestions Chloe xox

    Moon i relate to your post alot. Xox

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  10. Chloe_M
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    14 April 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi again guys,

    Moon I overthink EVERYTHING. It really sucks. I will send a text to a friend and if they don't respond I think 'omg i what happens if that somehow offends them or they think im weird or crazy' and i get into a thought spiral. I just over analyse and over think and over everything lol.

    And when I see the person I messaged at school I ask them about it and they are completely fine and they were just busy etc. I get worked up for no reason. And thats my anxiety playing tricks on me.

    Quirky we just watched The Help in English for our American Civil Rights unit. I really enjoyed it, because it wasn't violent (unlike most the movies we watch in English and History).

    Chloe

    ps sorry for grammar/punctuation mistakes my brain sin't functioning properly this morning... im in school holiday mode already :P

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  11. quirkywords
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    14 April 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all,

    Moon I can relate very much to what you say. I have seen my inner critic as feeding on my insecurities that include worrying what others think about me. With me, when someone does criticise me for something I have written, like a friend did today and she said I made her feel selfish which was never my intention.

    I made a comment on a blog to show her support but all she felt was I was putting her down.

    I was upset at first but I decided it is her problem and I am not going to be critical of myself as I usually would. To be honest I am a bit upset but I feel I cant control her response to my support.

    So for me the critic feeds off other people's negative comments, real and sometimes imagined.

    Moon this is a very intriguing point.

    Chloe, I am queen of typos so don't worry, your posts are fine.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  12. startingnew
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    14 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    well done Quirky, though im sorry she responded that way. i guess we all have different views and not being able to speak in person we can loose the tone etc as well

  13. quirkywords
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    14 April 2018 in reply to startingnew

    SN, I think most people here, I would never intentionally upset anyone so when someone says my words have made them feel a negative feeling, that really upsets me.

    The dilemma is how can I feel good about myself when others put me down. I am always trying to work this out.

    I think the trouble is that like many people I absorb the negative comments but let the good comments fall from my emotional sieve!!

    My inner critic has enough to work with without me giving it more!! I hope that does not sound confusing.

    Quirky

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  14. startingnew
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    14 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    of course its not intentional Quirky, you dont strike me as the type to go out of your way to hurt someone at all. ive read quite alot of your posts to others and i think your a kind soul <3

    i understand the emotional turmoil it causes when we try to help but people respond negatively, but as you said it wasnt your intentions and that is up to you how they react as well. if someone posts to me and i find it abit offensive ill try to clarify what they meant before jumping the gun and accusing them of being mean etc. but thats me and not everyone does that

    i can relate the the emotional sieve too, argh it can be frustrating cant it when the good things slip through. possibly because alot of people focus on what others think of them and thats how we get our view of ourselves rather than allowing ourselves to see the good things too.

    and no it doesnt sound confusing.

    im wondering if maybe writing out your good points, would help you at all or if you would be willing to do that (no pressure of course) and you dont have to share but on a piece of paper- you can make it pretty with different colours, different styles of writing, patterned paper- but then write what it is that you like about yourself and when the negative thoughts come around it could be a reminder that you arent a bad person and you do have qualities. thoughts..?

  15. Chloe_M
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    14 April 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Quirky and startingnew,

    It's kind of like texting; you say something and it comes across differently to the person on the receiving end. Which is why I prefer to discuss serious topics in person or at least over the phone so that the person I am talking to can hear my tone of voice or observe my body language etc.

    if someone does interpret my text in the wrong way, my inner critic comes out of her hidey-hole and whispers negative words in my ear. It's horrible. I start feeling really down and negative towards myself.

    im writing this in my bedroom and I can smell really heavy smoke and the sky is orange there is a bushfire nearby. Am very worried about a family member who lives near the area 🙁

    Hope you guys are feeling better than I am rn,

    chloe


  16. Music_Freak
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    14 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    I feel bad that I haven't kept up with this thread, but I am posting now, I guess.

    My inner critic has had too much caffeine or something lately, with all this uni stuff going on with my applying. I'm doubting so much and that stupid voice is making it 100x worse.

    I don't have any clue about how to write a uni assignment so of course the voice is yelling at me to give up. Can I do it? “NO!!” “Can I afford it? “NO!!” etc. etc.

    The pig headed critic has been powerful over the last few weeks. As for it being tamed...I'm not doing a good job at all and doing all that I can manage is exhausting. I've been in bed since 4pm, just trying to relax.

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  17. quirkywords
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    15 April 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Hello all,

    SN thanks for your comments and kind words. Have you tried that suggestion of yours? I think that it has been discussed before here and on other threads that while it is easy to point out good points in others it is hard to point out our own good pints wth out feeling arrogant and self conscious. I think for me it is not a matter of not acknowledging my good points which I can, it is not absorbing the negative criticism either real or imagined of others and not listening to my inner critic. I dont feel I am a bad person , I do feel sometimes I may unintentionally upset people. Thank you for caring enough to offer the suggestion .

    Chloe, You make a good point about texting and it can be misinterpreted .

    I hope your family member is ok.

    I hope you are ok.

    Quirky

  18. quirkywords
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    15 April 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    Music,

    welcome to thread. You can post whenever you like.

    I am sorry your inner critic is being so loud and critical.

    Have you tried to write a letter to your critic putting it in its place. You can write posts,you can learn how to write a uni assignment, Can you try to replace the critic with some positive messages about yoi will be able to cope and how you can get support.

    Thanks for posting.

    Quirky

  19. CMF
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    15 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi all,

    my inner critic is paying up a bit. Making me doubt myself and think someone else will be ether than me. Making me think people are sticking with me cos they feel 'stuck' with me.

    might need to shove it into a box and pack it away.

    cmf

  20. Chloe_M
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    15 April 2018 in reply to CMF

    Hi guys,

    Quirky thanks for your concern. My Nan and her dog were evacuated last night and are at my auntie's house. Not sure how my auntie's cats are going to like that! 2 homes were lost in my Nan's suburb, but were on the other side so her house wasn't in serious danger.

    CMF I agree your critic needs to be put away! No one is stuck with you, they are with you because they want to be with you. Like us here. Always here if you want a chat :)

    Chloe x

  21. quirkywords
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    16 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Hello everyone

    I wonder if people have ways of coping with their inner critic that works for them, that would like to share.

    I sometimes get stuck trying the same thing that isn't working or I try one thing once and give up. I have tried writing to my inner critic, arguing with it, trying a kinder voice etc but in the end I tend to think the worst of things and overthink and criticise myself. Not all the time but I think it is an addictive habit I should try to break but it is so hard.

    Any suggestions? I can suggest things to others but to myself I find it difficult.

    Quirky

  22. Baker84
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    16 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I too would love to know ways of taming the inner critic as I am going through a marriage breakdown and at times find it so hard to not listen to it and overthink everything, I would have 100s of conversations a day in my head and barely talk to anyone at work as my emotions will come out and that would be embarrasing.

  23. quirkywords
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    16 April 2018 in reply to Baker84

    Baker, welcome to this forum and to this thread.

    You ask the question I keep struggling with.

    Sometimes it helps if you know how your inner critic works.

    Does it get louder when you are sick , when you are anxious.

    Marriage breakdown is very hard to cope with.

    Have you got any support from your family , your friends or a counsellor or doctor?

    Sometimes I find I need to share an emotion with others or just tell people how I am feeling,or otherwise I feel that my head may burst.

    Feel free to post here when you like.

    Quirky

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  24. Baker84
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    17 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Yeah I do have a big family but sometimes that can be too negative (not their Fault) but it doesn't help my psychologist is very helpful and reading on here helps. I guess its just a process I have to except and go through. Just wish my head would stop making up silly stuff that I have no evidence of.

    Thanks for your reply it helps

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  25. quirkywords
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    18 April 2018 in reply to Baker84

    Hello all

    Baker,thanks for your reply.

    People have suggested that practice is needed to stop over thinking and to silence the critic.

    You have to keep using things that work for you, be it ignoring it, arguing it, writing letters to it or finding a positive voice to silence the negative. There are many strategies that people can sure to scope. People need to work out wat works for them.

    Keep trying

    Quirky

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  26. Baker84
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    19 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thank you for your response I am currently trying to figure out which tecnique is going to work for me. Im sure I will work it out soon. I wont give up until I do.

    Thanks again

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  27. Chloe_M
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    19 April 2018 in reply to Baker84

    Good on you Baker84! Believe in yourself and anything is possible!

    Hope everyone had a great day :)

    Hugs for you all from Chloe 🤗

  28. Music_Freak
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    19 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    I wish I had a positive voice instead of the critic that always has doubts and puts me down...I could sure use a bit of positivity right now.

    Being stressed out isn't helping...

    I usually turn to music or Buddy when I need cheering up or a distraction, but nothing seems to be really working right now.

  29. quirkywords
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    19 April 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hello everyone

    Music Freak , I noticed on yout thread earlier you seemed more positive than you are in this post. Is that because you can focus on your plans and forget your critical voice for a little while or is it always there?

    I think we just have to keep on practising so that negative voice does get too loud. You have a lot of people supporting you on your thread, can you try to say their voice instead of the negative one.

    I know it is hard that is why I started this thread. I find when I am tired and run down and unwell that inner critic gets very loud. So keeping hea;thy is importnat.

    Thanks for your comments.

    Quirky

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  30. Music_Freak
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    19 April 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Working on plans or keeping busy definitely does help, but I think the critic is always there, just quieter. Day dreaming about having money to spend one day was a nice distraction though.

    I think maybe it was feeling crappy after the dentist that made me feel so down. Hopefully tomorrow is a little better.

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