DEAREST golden82, you are MOST welcome!

I'm so grateful you came to this thread on this day and posted such incredible stuff!

WOW.

"Noticing patterns of narc abuse - rather than living in a fog and putting up with it. Therefore early days of 'acceptance' that this is what these people are and starting to use boundaries to protect myself/my soul."

RIGHT ON and HIGH FIVE!!

7y ago I sat and cried buckets of tears on Christmas Day OUTSIDE with a chicken on my lap all day long. A week later I Googled something during a more horrific event and it led to me to an International Forum that completely CHANGED MY LIFE.

Actually I COMPLETELY changed my life and YOU are SO WORTH THIS CHANGE also.

Every single one of you is SO WORTH the change.

I learnt SO much with all the links to psychological websites and I read and read and never stopped reading for years! Once I "knew" the psychological make up of these "people" I call demons.... then it was about getting them out of our lives. The harm was far too much.
Through Courts the worst was disclosed by my children.

YES!
Let this day be YOUR new beginning golden82!

Sleepy and I have spoken so much about the Boundaries needed with toxic ppl.
It's a very painful process but over time we DO become free.
Sometimes in this freedom there is a numb loneliness and we could wonder for a second or 2 whether we've made the right decision.
It's up to you which road you take.

I strongly recommend making connections with others before, during and after going "low contact" or No Contact with toxic people. Joining groups can help. They helped me IMMENSELY.

Helplines are AMAZING.
They really helped buoy me throughout the whole disgusting, abusive Courts era. And after during our recovery from the multiple traumas.

You are always welcome to share whatever's on your mind here.

We may not have all the answers but I can see an awesome "Brains Trust" forming which you are now part of dear golden.
We bounce ideas off of one another.
Support.
Listen.
Care.
Share!

I'm SO PROUD of the BB self-carers!
WE ROCK! lol!

And who cares if we don't get "everything right".... small sweet steps CARING about you as you would have someone else care for you.

Loving that you're here! Hugs.
EM

Hey Sleepy!

HUGS sweet bbg (Blubes told me what bbg meant lol - I thought it was something like bubblegum).

You did some pretty awesome self-care today, HIGH FIVE!

I think "Boxing Day" means boxing things up for Charity!
Back to the minimalism and changing rooms work! oh yeah baby lol.

I was totally spent after dinner and had a nap that lasted IDC how many hours. (IDC means I don't care lol).

You watched a "light" show, well done. I watched a Murder Mystery lol... but fell asleep with it still running so yeah..... IDC.

I'm about to go try and find a petrol station open somewhere for some milk would you believe it.

You know why writing 'IDC' is making me laugh so much is that BF and I laughed so much when we both realised that "we didn't give a hoot" about other's opinions of us.
BF said "I don't give a hoot, to a dysfunctional degree" lol.

Ofcourse we do about what SOME people think. Perhaps our bosses since they keep us employed. But nah, not really anyone else.

Being unapologetically ourselves is AWESOME.

Being authentic is VERY important.

GOSH look at the work being done here. I LOVE reading it all!

Self-care everyone!!

Love and Blessings
EM

Hi everyone!

Amazing job at your self care!

My 3 self-care things I did today:

*had ice cream with popping candy

*watched Netflix

* I will probably take a nap later also!

Hey missep

Naps are the BOMB!

I had 2 naps today!

Then had a shower with my lovely hair products.

Blissed out with some Netflix.

Ate very healthy food for meals, YUM.

Am using lots of lovely products on my skin, better go use some more...

EMxxxx

3 self care things

went for a walk

ate a mango alone

watched a doco during the day

This is a weird one but -

1) got upset - (PTSD had me so numb. I felt like my self-care was to be upset and not gaslight myself and just let it happen)

2) sat in the warm sun for a long time

3)wrote in my journal

Hey quirky, lovely gentle self-care things you shared. Gotta love a mango! 💛🧡💜

Hey Sleepy, I think it's self-care to cry when we need to too. Definitely!
My psych friends encouraged me to cry when I needed to because crying can release endorphins.
The 'feel good' hormones.

Great self-care Sleepy. 💜🧡💛

Hey all,

Not much self care going on today. I just feel sad, which is ok.

Good on you golden, for choosing your own well being instead of staying stuck in an abusive rut. Love those boundaries!

I'm feeling confused about boundaries and action/inaction today, so pulling the covers and shutting down. It's probably a response to my very long Christmas day also.

I chose to attend church today, which confirmed for me that I do not like myself in church! Something happens to my brain which is totally different from connecting with God on my own at home. Or perhaps it wasn't a very good day to go (haven't been allyear). The sermon was so long and boring and he obviously read the whole thing- not a scrap of speaking from the heart- so that doesn't help.

And he finished with a list of shoulds! I hate shoulds! Internal parent berating me and causing guilt feelings....

I prefer to be inspired to travel in the direction which I know is good for me, and others. Inspire me peoples! Please! I feel empty of inspo today.

Sleepy I admire you for taking the time to journal and cry- I usually find that very healing. Maybe I will be able to do that soon.

Love

J*

hi J i'm sorry you are feeling sad and confused

i know that can be hard

sending you support and care, u are trying ur best and that is all that's needed...

self-care -

- food delivered

- sat outside in the rain and wind marvelling at nature

- put on a favourite top

Hey sweet J* we're here with you.

I found taking a travel mug with tea, a flask of cold water and my "Kit" down to the water's edge in my car to sit, very good "time out" when the kids were around at home.

My "Kit" has:
* strong smelling hand cream
* mints
* tissues
* eye drops lol
* a book - Brene Brown is my fave literary company atm
* a journal - I just grab any one I see or some writing book
* a few pens!

Sometimes I've taken a Bible.

It doesn't really matter what I use out of my kit.

I have spots I park in at the waterfront. I sit in my car mostly. IDC if the air con is on the whole time either!

I've cried rivers just sitting at these spots, for so many years.
I don't care what I remember, I just talk or write. Scream and cry some more. Sometimes I sketch.

Sometimes I've just numbed out and looked out at the water and clouds. When I'm feeling okay I can see more, funny that. The birds, the waves, the seaweed. Just stuff.

I had my phone Counselling sessions down there too this year.

Tbh some times life just sucks.

Yeah I can't stand some sermons in some Churches, like we're here to be saved not to feel more persecuted...
My Church hasn't had that effect on me .... yet lol. But one sermon definitely triggered all the kids by talking about "Good Fathers"!
That went down well.... not.

The kids never went back after that.

Do you know what I Prayed for in my very worst times in life?
"God's Will to be done" and elaborated on that in regards to my situation.

I LOVE the "Full Restoration Prayer" and have the 3 pages behind my loo door lol!
Thru the God forsaken Courts whomever used the loo, I would say they HAD to read that Prayer whether they believed or not lol!

I find Oprah very inspirational in a spiritual way.

I feel our Prayers have been answered but in God's way, not mine.
It was better than I had imagined.

I Pray the same for you J* and your beautiful family.

Love EM

Hi all,

I'm really impressed at the depth this thread is gaining, that self-care is taking a very real shape, not just drinking wine in a bubble bath (don't get me wrong, I'm all for drinking wine in a bubble bath). I'm seeing people in all stages of healing and love that recognising abuse, and letting yourself feel what you need to feel are being acknowledged as self-care, they absolutely are.

J*, sorry you're feeling down. I'm not a church-goer (I'm agnostic), but used to attend with Mum back in the day. I have certainly seen great differences between believers when they're at church and when they're not. On one hand, there is value in fellowship. On the other, many people get bogged down in dogma and seem to lose the ability to live their belief - finding balance is so important. If connecting with God happens better at home, do that. Or if the dude at the pulpit isn't inspiring you, maybe a different church/branch?

Okay, my self care for the day:

- Actually a quiet day at work, dawdled somewhat coming back from my breaks. But also got caught up on a bunch of stuff I've been trying to get to for weeks, so good balance of practical and chill.

- Stopped at the forest on the way home. Stood and hung out with a young wattle tree, taking in the rich colours of new branches, the smoothness of the slender trunk and the softness of the leaves. It was a good moment.

- Messaged my partner and asked him to have some coffee brewing when I got home. XD

Blue.

u really hvae incredible insight blue thank u for sharing

the forrest... wow

coffee is everything these days.

I agree with u expressing our feelings, trusting them, standing by them and speaking up for them - all self-care.

Hi all,

Have had a good day with self care today.

Thanks for the suggestion EM, at the last moment I grabbed my bag and took it with me to the beach. Stopped on the way back for some yoga stretches and journalling. I was on my own which was nice. Holidays means I don't get much alone time. H is pulling boards off the house as we speak and D is watching tv. Which is nice, but a bit hard when you need a good cry! For some reason ppl get upset!

Dogma! Yes Blue, thats part of what gets me furious. Also theres a set to the lips and a tilt to the head- thou shalt be perfect! And if thou is not perfect, thou shalt experience massive guilt! And so I find my thoughts incredibly critical of others, as well as myself.

The chats afterwards were nice, and becos I haven't been for so long, nice to find I could still have conversations about something! I'm sure the ladies thought that I would be 'back' now tho so I felt a little bit like a fraud. Oh well. If they want to ask I'll have the conversation.

Now I'm going to brave the shops and find some more food which will make life easy for the next few days. I get used to the easy leftovers after Christmas. More please!

Cheers,

J*

Stopped talking to people, even my cousins, who don't bother with me. Got 3 toxic people out of my life.

That's about it today.

Hi all,

Thanks, Sleepy, your kind words have buoyed my mood. :)

J*, I understand, that's not the healthiest mental place to be in. Glad you had some good chats after though, and are open to discussing things with those with the presence of mind to ask. I hear ya about Chrissy leftovers running out. What's this business of being responsible for food again? Haha.

Tayla, removing toxic influences from your life is huge, you don't need a long list of things - give yourself credit for doing a big thing you needed to.

Okay, today's self-care:

- Slept in. Sadly I still don't feel rested, but I gave myself room to try.

- Hopped on the exercise bike whilst talking to a childhood friend on the phone (yep, that high-power self-care again, EM, hehe). Rode for a full hour and it felt good.

- Made a rare decision to order take-away so we could have a time out from cooking and got extra to pack up for work lunches to get me through until my next day off.

WOW BB self-carers I'm really impressed at everyone's connection and support for each other, what a loving group of people!

Better get my own list out of the way! omg... crazy times lol.
* ditched my well thought out schedule LOL! Note to self, who cares, ditch it if I need to or even WANT to...

* dealt with pressing, in my face, issues happening at our house. I always relish THESE types of issues now because I have a baseline that's ugly to compare it to lol!! This is an IRL opportunity for LEARNING for my kids that they need for their Life Skills moving forward. Me too as a parent I'm sure lol!

* SO I practiced GRATITUDE; in light of that baseline of where we were living in hell and where we are now moving "towards the light" lol excuse the religious pun! PUN intended... I am SO darned GRATEFUL!
Grateful to be living in a country where there IS BB support!! Grateful to have MH supports around even if they're not available at all times, thank goodness we use so little of them now PRAISE the Lord lol!
Hey even Jesus laughed.

Simply GRATEFUL.
My deaf friends would love to be able to listen to the music I can listen to.
I turn it up LOUD so they can feel the beat, not the same.

WE are here supporting each other. We may not be able to help you with the housework or physically be there with you or even swat these darned mozzies eating me alive atm help! ... but we DO CARE and are here for each other.

How fortunate are we. We have each other.

Love EM

Hey SCers!

I was already AWAKE to do Yoga lol. I had a VERY long nap & woke early.

Blue, the self-care in this thread IS taking very real shape, this got me thinking...

It's like we're developing these areas to attend to and the actions to follow... I am SO PROUD of us all!!

Please add to my list, here's what I see. These areas are like bubbles that form a Venn diagram crossing over all over...

Food - yep we ALL need it! Getting it and eating it. Coffee can be a food or a treat lol, let's put it in BOTH sections, why not? We make our own rules after all lol.

Treats - in ANY form. From food to bubblebath to nail polish - yes men paint nails too hey Not_Batman - to anything that sparks joy in us. Treat yourself.

Feelings - attending to our feelings, sharing how we're feeling, being present & kind to ourselves thru whatever we're feeling. You're OK to be ok or to not be ok, it's ALL OK.
You are way more than enough. 💛

Boundaries - seeing a pattern here, hey Tay! Boundaries with family and friends. Rewinding back to US, asking ourselves how we feel when we're in this person's company or after. Ending the call, exiting the group, saying NO. Deciding on how WE will take some control over our time & life. Whether that person is only tolerable in small doses lol or no doses. Maintaining the contact to a level we can cope with.... whatever brings us more peace & happiness.

Time - spending time with ourselves. We need so much time to heal. Writing in a journal or here. Reading, viewing, researching. Doing nothing lol.

Nature - Looking at nature, Blue that pretty Wattle, our dog on the beach J*, the sunshine Sleepy! All that Vitamin D oh yeah! Our birds, the bush, the water, gardens.

Support - calling a helpline, seeing our GP, attending our group, writing on the forums, talking with our therapists. Giving support too as you all do so generously.

Connections - maintaining healthy relationships. Knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy r/ships. Making new connections. Jumping into the abyss and having the courage, knowing it's paired with a vulnerable feeling! And talking with someone. You don't have to start a business with them lol... just a chat is great.

Actions - so much here already. Yoga, eating, reading, walking, cooking, gardening, observing, intentional stopping and pausing. Being!

Our surroundings - buying those nice sheets or pot plant. Changing things up at home. Moving stuff out. Making our space our own.

AWESOME peeps.

EMxxxx

Thats beautiful Em! You have a very organised mind!

Hey everyone,

Today I am:

*attending to my feelings (still a bit emotional after my revelation, more on my thread but it's just that basic self esteem stuff!)

*Not putting pressure on self for my trip in 2 days time. I'll go when I'm ready.

*enjoying catching up with all you guys before going out to the garage to do some screenprinting.

*Reminding myself that I am loved, and have special skills and abilities, and I do deserve to be alive. I'm here for a reason, and somehow I will get past this and one day I won't hurt so much.

Definitely grateful.

After all, Tayla, what you say is so true. And life is too short to worry about the ppl with whom we have no good connection. Gotta focus on the ppl we love, and who love us. In my experience, this is how it grows.

Cheers,

J*

Hey J* organised? Wow I'll take it! Thanks LOL!

Let's add more from your inspiration J*...

Creativity - we know this can take ANY form at all.
J* is a star with screen printing, good one J*!!

Then we think things like "I'm not creative blah blah I couldn't do that blah blah" block those thoughts.

Ofcourse you could. But do you WANT to?

I don't want to screen print BUT I might like to draw something, colour in yay! Do a painting, I hear the paint by numbers is popular, I saw some sparkly ones in the shop yesterday, cooking, gardening, making something JUST FOR FUN!

Now there's a sweet eff word FUN!

Play. I like that word too.

I like to spend time CREATING MY FUTURE... thinking of things I want to do and see and have and BE. Hence my Dream Folder.

BF and I, oh he just called and told me what he just MADE! Hahaha gluing a cord for a tester of some type... engineers hmm.... BF and I are working on my cabin / bungalow plans, SO CREATIVE!

Love EM

Hi everyone.

I'm not sure what to do for self care. I usually just buy things online (wax melts, like candles, they're cheaper & I have HEAPS lol. I find them relaxing smelling them even when they're not melted). And I usually buy skincare. I found a good range and my skin looks better than ever in my opinion but it's a bit pricey, worth it though.

Other than that I just go for walks daily, helps me physically but I'm not sure about mentally. Thats all i can think of.

Hey Tay Tay

They're lovely self-care things you do! and smell lol.

You're welcome to read back and have a look at the other posts with their points of self-care.
Perhaps you'll find something in people's lists that SPARK joy or even curiosity?

Alternatively I Googled "Radical self-care" after a helpline Psych told me that's what I needed (supporting others with MH issues, being a single parent and also recovering from C-PTSD).

There were SO many things online to read about there. Really sweet ideas actually.

Love EM

Hi everyone,

Tayla thats a great start on self care.

I reckon caring for the physical is really important for the mental wellbeing The whole mind/body/spirit thing. I know that for me walking was a big part of my recovery. Endorphins, change of scenery, noticing the beautiful things along the way. Good on you!

I'm a bit sensitive to artificial fragrances, so I don't tend to like wax melts, but I LOVE my diffuser- essential oils. It's shown that smells are linked to our memories and unconscious. I know there's a certain scent I cannot have at all after a not healthy romantic entanglement! He used to burn ylangylang-spoiled it for me forever. :(

Investing in skin care sounds great, especially now while you're young. I know I would have been better off if I had! Wrinkles are character aren't they?lol! I make my own moisturiser if you're ever interested.

Good point Em, creativity for the sake of it is really restful. My brain has a little holiday! I can only do it when I haven't got a queue of things to do. Or else i am able to ignore it! Thats what Sundays are for, in my book. A job free day!

Stiil printing so I'll get back to it

J*

Hi Jstar. That's cool you make your own moisturiser!

Yeah my walking has been a habit for a few years, but I still get anxious when I see people and cars and I feel claustrophobic. The scenery is nice, it's a walking track with a lake and nice birds, I try to focus on that but my anxiety etc is still there. I used to just walk my Dog on my own and I still do that sometimes, not as much though, I usually walk with my Dad because I don't go anywhere by myself because of the stuff you hear in the news & whatnot. I'm 21, I should be going places on my own & even driving but I don't.

In terms of the self care, do you think a Psychiatrist or even a GP would have any idea of suggestions? I'll ask them when I see them again but that's not until mid Jan.

Oh boy, it's busy in here. Hi to all. Just want to add another category:

Sensory input - This crosses over with others, but involves specifically engaging the senses, for instance smell with the wax melts or essential oils. For me it may be with cooking ingredients or nature (wattles in Spring, man, they're the best). Maybe wearing fabrics that feel good to touch, or working with art materials that look or feel or smell good (I love my colouring pencils, they engage so many senses).

Today's self care:

- Mini meditation before work. Need to do more of it, but it's a start.

- Kept consistent at work, did enough to be a competent pleb and no more.

- Doing only the minimum of jobs I had to after work (pack lunch for tomorrow, feed birds, feed me). Turned away from the dishes or any things I might have ideas of doing ahead. Reminded myself I do not have room for that when I have to be up at 4am.

- Had a rum and Coke or two after the jobs.

Hi Jstar - i've tried a few times to get into essential oils but i dont have a diffuser i like

i used the wooden one from kmart for a bit when i was staying with a relative - that was okay... i have one now but it's a whole production to get it going - so i just keep it in the cupboard sadly

i do have a lavendar mist spray which is fun sometimes to get a fresh scent of lavendar before bed. just got that one from the pharmacy

Hi Sleepy,

We keep one in T's bedroom, as she uses it if getting a cold, one next to H's side of bed- same reason- and then one for loungeroom area. It's been a nice re-set over Christmas. For that we have a respiratory blend, or eucylyptus and lemon are good.

Orange is great for a happier mood, some of the deeper scents like cedarwood or vetiver are grounding, and these work well together actually.

I love the oils, either in the bath or in the diffuser, or just a dab on my wrists before going out. Definitely helps me stay centred, or energised (rosemary!) or calm- love the lavender!

Did you know lavender is also antiseptic? We use it in hot water to bathe cuts and scratches, stops them getting infected.

:)

J*

Hi Tayla,

That's great you walk regularly, just enjoy it, and let your senses absorb the sounds, and smells and textures. You could stop every now and then and touch a plant, or hug a tree, or crush a leaf and sniff it. Go all out! Be weird! It's the 'normals' who have no fun!

J*