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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

Topic: I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

  1. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4137 posts
    14 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hey Fml3,

    Thanks for joining us on the forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear you're struggling with thoughts of suicide and feeling as though you have no purpose or worth. We can imagine it would be so painful to manage these thoughts and feelings. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you. We are sending you a private message with some extra support.

    We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

    We hope you know that there is also help available from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. 
  2. mb20lover
    mb20lover avatar
    2896 posts
    16 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hey fml3, are you ok?
  3. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    12 posts
    21 February 2021
    I’m living a lie. All the fake smiles which I can mange, all the ‘I’m fine’s and even my friends. All I do is depress everyone around me and try to pretend that I’m happy. I can’t even do that. I’m sorry, this is just hilariously pathetic for me right now. I’m so behind in all my work- it’s just an impossible mountain of work right now. It’s angel vs demon in my mind right now. Except the demons are taking over. The thoughts and voices getting stronger. There’s still that angelic little voice in me though- am I still worth it? I miss the me before this happened to me.
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4137 posts
    21 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hey fml3,

    Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you've been feeling. It sounds like it must be so difficult to put on a fake smile, and to feel unable to open up about your feelings to those close to you. But please know that you never have to keep those feelings bottled up inside- there is always someone to talk to about these thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing. Do you think that you would feel up to reaching out tonight? The counsellors at Kids Helpline are always available to you either by phone (1800 55 1800) or also through webchat if you'd feel more comfortable reaching out through online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

    You never have to deal with these overwhelming thoughts and feelings alone, and please know that you are a really important and valuable member in our community. You are worthy, and deserve support through this difficult time. Our community are here for you fml3.
  5. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    12 posts
    22 February 2021
    I am becoming self destructive. I want to live but I don’t know how. I’m in survival mode. How do I live again.. how do I get better? Can’t keep living like this.
  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4137 posts
    22 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hi fml3,

    We're so sorry to hear that you're becoming self destructive. It's really important that you access some support for everything that you've been going through lately. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer you some support.

    We'd like to reiterate that there are counsellors available to speak with you 24/7 through Kids Help Line and the Suicide Callback Service.

    Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.


     
  7. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    12 posts
    23 February 2021

    Hi again,

    I guess the only reason I am still alive right now are for my friends and because I still want to live. I just really want to stop the pain. I feel trapped in my head- I can’t get out of it and the thoughts and the voices. Everything is just getting too much.

    With the added stress of school and the workload and expectations, why am I really living? Who am I even living for? Nobody cares or can help me get better, There’s no point anymore. I guess that’s what’s going through my head at the moment.

    Its like I’m just watching myself survive, I feel useless and helpless to myself because I can’t even help myself. I just keep getting worse by the day. And I guess people at school have unfortunately picked up on it because today my year co called me in. She threatened to either call my parents (because I was seen with a suicide search up on my laptop from the night before) or go to the school counsellor for her to decide whether she needs to call them. I chose the latter obviously because I don’t want my parents knowing. Counselling is not helping and just made me feel worse. I can’t even talk about being suicidal or self harm or any of the stuff that is really bothering me because she would tell my parents/ teachers.

    I am hating school and considering dropping out. At least then I could try to deal with my mental health a bit better or end up finally in peace. I don’t know how or what can help me at the moment. I feel as though I am too far gone to be helped anyways. I’m really sorry for wasting your time.

    thanks,

    jj

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4137 posts
    23 February 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hey Fml3,

    Thanks for reaching out to the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling with negative feelings around your worth. We can hear that these feelings have been difficult to cope with in many parts of your life, and we understand that this must be difficult. We want you to know that you are valuable, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    We would like to encourage you again to contact the Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

    In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include: Lifeline on 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

    We appreciate your continued participation in the forums and hope you keep us updated on how you're feeling. 

  9. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2163 posts
    24 February 2021 in reply to fml3

    We are here for you fml3, know we care so very much and that we are here to chat. I am around today if there are some things you would like to share or to release or simply just talk about your day, I am here to sit with you.

    I can hear how hard things are for you at this time and I want to say how proud I am of you for reaching out here, for seeking some support, for holding on when times are so hard.

    I just re read what you typed earlier "I guess the only reason I am still alive right now are for my friends and because I still want to live" I believe we only need one reason, to find one piece of hope, one reason to choose to stay when things are so very hard, so dark and the pain is too much. I am wondering what aside from your friends are some other things in your life that bring you even a small smile?

    School is hard, the work, the pressure and the expectations. I have two kids in high school and I watch what they do each day and it really is like nothing I went through. I am so glad tho that there are school councellors and support teams in schools these days, I don't really remember having that support available for me.

    You are right in that if you do express concerns for your life they will have to include your parents, I am wondering though if this is such a bad thing...I would like to chat some more about it to you if you want. Sometimes we role play how a situation will go, usually badly, I am wondering that maybe your parents may not react in the way you are playing it out in your head, that they might so very much surprise you and be able to give you the support you very much need at this time. I understand in the past that you have written this "My parents are extremely homophobic and don’t believe teenagers and kids can have mental illnesses or feel depressed. They constantly make me feel unloved, worthless and make my mental health even worse" however with a school counsellor present and some interaction from a group conversation they might hear you for the first time and respond with action, care and love. I know this is not excusing any previous behaviours from them but it is bloody hard to parent, we don't always get it right, sometimes we have every good intention and it comes across as a total disaster. Maybe your parents need some support in supporting you too, that this could be a journey that you go on together.

    I hope to chat some more to you and please know how much you matter and how much we care.

    hugs

    Sarah

  10. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    12 posts
    2 March 2021

    I’m doing great! Absolutely fantastic..

    Nope, not at all. Sorry, feeling at my worst currently and I can’t help but laugh at myself.

    I keep messing things up with my family, friends and school. I have no purpose or meaning to keep going and being forced to go to the counsellor isn’t helping since I don’t like her and I lied about my suicidal ideation.

    My life is basically going to pieces and I’m just blankly staring. Trapped once again. Thanks for reading this if you got this far. Ok, I’ll stop talking now. Thank you,

    JJ.

  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4137 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hey fml3,

    Thanks for reaching out tonight. It sounds as though today was particularly overwhelming for you. We're sorry to hear you feel as though you're letting yourself down. We hope you know things can get better and you have shown a lot of strength in continuing to reach out.

    We've reached out via email to check-in with how you're feeling.

    Please remember there are Support Services available for your most difficult moments.  Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.
     
    If you find yourself in a situation where you are an immediate danger to yourself again, this is an emergency and you should call 000.
      Please let us know how you're feeling when you have the strength to do so.
  12. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2163 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hey JJ

    Yesterday sure sounded like it was a tough day for you.

    I hear what you said about your counsellor and it is fine for you to not click with her, this happens all the time, in life and in therapy, we don't always click with people and therefore how are we supposed to gain help and insight when we just do not have a bond with that person. I understand that there is possible only one support person at school so the option of seeing someone else is not there, however, could you perhaps mention politely to the counsellor that you are not finding the dynamic between you two is helping you and would there be a way in which you could connect or meet with another one? I am not sure if this is an option but if continuing with this one is causing more pain that help I would ask whether continuing with her is beneficial. You could also write this on paper and hand it to her if you feel awkward in telling her this or even arrange with someone at the school to see if there is another person you can chat with through school.

    I hear you in that you feel like there is no purpose and that all this is for nothing and what on earth could go right when it is all going wrong. That you feel like you are just messing everything up. I am so sorry that you have this weight to carry and that you feel so very bad at the moment. I am so proud of you though for chatting here and to share how you are feeling and letting us support you too. Never stop talking..you are welcome to talk here as often and for as long as you like, this is your space, your place and we are here to listen and to sit with you. You do matter and we do care, so much, and I hear how much things are hurting for you right now.

    It is so hard to know what to do next when you do feel like you are a passenger in your life and you are just watching as it all crumbles around you. I have just started some new therapy myself and have found this to be so wonderful. Sometimes when you least expect it an opportunity come to do or try something you never thought about and it just might be what works...that is the importance of keeping on searching and keeping on talking, you just don't know what goodness, even the tiniest bit may come.

    I understand that your family are not in a position to support you the way you need to be supported and I am so very sorry you have not got this at home, I am wondering though where we can reach out to get you the support that you need..I will think some more.

    Hugs and chat soon

    Sarah x

  13. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    7933 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to fml3

    Dearest fml3...

    I have listened to your thread with a lot of sadness and heartbreak for you...I’m sorry your struggling so much with your mental health...

    Like any other illness..is: a broken bone, the flue, hepatitis just to name a few....These are all physical illnesses that need professional treatment to heal...,Its the same with mental illness...it also needs professional help/treatment to heal....

    Most teenagers are thinking that their parents don’t care nor love them....In most cases I feel this is not correct, . Parents feed us, wash our clothes, buy things that we need and even just because we want it sometimes..and sometimes they seem unapproachable to our problems....but mostly they really aren’t...they want to know and help...I’m sure they can at least sense that you’re not okay....maybe..just maybe their views on mental health will change once they know that your struggling with it....you are their child and only want the best for you....

    The school Counsellor not knowing the extent of your mental health..the thoughts on suicide cannot help you..unless they know...Maybe think back before depression found you..you were happy and enjoying life and friends,,,Then this illness struck you down...it very rarely leaves you without professional support and guidance...Which you really do need at this point in your life...Please dear fml3 I’m gently urging you to reach out in full open honesty towards your unhealthy thoughts to your parents or Counsellor so professional help and guidance can be arranged...

    When those unhealthy thoughts start chatting away in your mind..can you listen and even sing along to music...play an Internet game or even doing these things outside somewhere...Our minds are a very powerful part of our body..but not that powerful that it can think on 2 things at once...If your listening to music, playing games, talking with your friends about good times...it cannot think unhealthy thoughts at the same time.....these things can give your mind a little rest....also when your laying down to sleep.,their are some gentle sleep stories that you can listen to, while you fall asleep...they are all worth trying lovely fml3....to myself personally anything that brings even a small time of peace is worth it...

    Sending you my kindest thoughts with my care..

    Grandy...

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