So my dealings with primary care health has deteriorated since my last post. I have had one health issue for some time needing attention of which I struggled to get GP appointments. The trouble is in my area, there are only locums who visit for a couple of weeks, sometimes the appointment availability is up to a month, and the couple of permanents that are here, I can’t get in to see.
I now have something which requires urgent elective surgery, so I’m finally privileged enough to gain access to the hospital system, but for a lot of reasons I’m thrust into the depths of depression and severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about it.
I went to the pre op appointment, and was so stressed didn’t absorb most of what they told me, and couldn’t remember the questions I had to ask.
This was on Christmas Eve, so spent Christmas Day pacing the house in tears on my own totally absorbed in my grief. I’m still feeling teary.
I haven’t had anything near surgery for over 35 years, and I’m particularly worried about being in my home on my own immediately after. Though they offer some home care, I’m warned it is a minimum, and am advised to have family or friends around. Not going to happen!
I’ve also been having thoughts as to whether if I will myself before surgery, maybe I won’t wake up after the anaesthetic, but I feel guilty for feeling this way, as I don’t want to put health workers through that trauma.
I have been thinking about taking my life on and off fairly regularly for the past year or so. I even have a plan worked out. I think when I’m really down, the only things which have stopped me, are the fear of failure and ending up a vegetable, or getting trapped in the health system if I’m found. Anyone who knows me would be shocked I feel that way, as I can’t live without order in my life, which doesn’t fit the stereotype of depression. I can’t directly talk about it to anyone know, as I have hinted at how I feel, and their reaction leaves me feeling guilty for mentioning it. Even though I’m good at opening my heart to most people in conversation, this is one aspect I can’t talk about.
When I feel down and angry, I wouldn't even want my family and friends to know why I took my life, the world can keep guessing :-(
I stay at home on my own, when feeling like this. I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing, but all my own safeguards, which I know I should practice, when in this mood, I just don’t want to try or help myself.
To the outside world, I “present” well, openly talking about the future, and looking like I’m in control of my life, but with a niggle deep down that I may not be around for much longer, as all the things which have traditionally interested me, don’t seem to really matter in the big picture.
I thought I would write this, as I have no one, now or in the future to tell this to anyway,