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Topic: Partner left me

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Chris 21
    Chris 21 avatar
    7 posts
    13 November 2021

    Hi, I am Chris, I suffer depression and have done for a long time, sadly my partner is my life, I mean my life, left me in September after 27 years sighting issues over our relationship… it is breaking my heart, everyone says it gets easier with time, however it’s getting harder for me…. I I have been self harming to help with the pain, however it doesn’t help .. even attempted to take my life 4 weeks ago, she says she is broken and no longer wants a relationship … it’s made my depression worse , I am 46, have no friends as I isolated myself with depression … I have 2 wonderful kids whom make me want to live but I can’t concentrate , constant crying, headaches intermittent eating … being sick … I know she won’t come back she has made it clear … but I can’t go on without her, she has been there for me since I was 19 …. Now when I need her most she deserts me.

    I am at a loss with what to do, my GP has me on mood and depression tablets they do not help .. make me drowsy and sleepy but doesn’t take the pain away as said 2 months and pain gets worse I have no family …. I just wanted to air, thank you for reading this if you choose.

    chris

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6161 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21
    Dear Chris_21, 

    We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so broken-hearted and depressed. It sounds like you are feeling lost without your partner in your life. 

    Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, and if your thoughts of suicide increase, please remember that there are always crisis support services available such as at Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000 – Triple zero) if you find yourself to be in immediate danger.

    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
  3. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    240 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris 21,

    I’d like to extend a very warm welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear about your break up. You are left devastated and hurting after your long term partner decided to leave.

    Sophie has supported you with some amazing advice. I’d also encourage you to seek some professional support. You visiting your GP was a good step forward. Perhaps you could go back, explain how you feel and ask for a referral to a loss support counsellor who could support you through this most difficult time?

    The common understanding of grief is when somebody dies, however, a separation/divorce can be nearly equally strong. You are experiencing constant crying, struggling with depression, headaches, intermittent eating, feeling sick, you can’t concentrate… These are common and expected among people who are experiencing a significant loss. I know it’s very, very hard for you now but it has been only two months or so. The wound is still very fresh. Be kind and patient to yourself as you need it more than ever.

    I am really glad you reached out here and “aired” the things out of your chest. This is sometimes the best you can do to start with.
    I am also wondering how would you feel about trying some grounding techniques (during times when you feel your worst) followed by relaxation techniques? Remember to breathe, don’t rush it, just let your body follow the natural rhythm. Focus your attention on breathing and how it fills your body with life supporting oxygen.

    It is also good that the thoughts of your children keep you going. They must love you very much and I am sure it must be very hard also for them to witness your separation and what you both are going through.

    Please come back to this forum as often as you feel like. Venting is a good start, somebody is always here to listen and genuinely try to support you.

    Thinking of you and always ready to chat more.

  4. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1551 posts
    13 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris21,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Im really sorry that you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult for you.

    Sophie has given you some great contacts please call them and have a chat.

    Im sorry that you attempted to take your own life I understand this is very sad.

    Chris21 please stay here with us, please go back to your gp and tell them that your medication isn’t working and that you need more professional help…… did you do a mental health plan together?

    Was your gp aware that you tried to take your own life?

    I understand that you have two beautiful children try to focus your love onto them they love you too and want and need you in their lives.

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15589 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hello Chris, I'm sorry for what's happened to you as I can certainly relate after being married 25 years and know exactly what you've said.

    What helped me was to move away from the place you're living in, there are too many memories there that trigger different reactions, so items and furniture have to be divided up, can I suggest that you not to be home when she comes for her items.

    Is there any possibility that you can still have contact with your wife, just to have a general chat about how your kids are going etc, because if you keep asking her to come back at this point, talking with her may end and that's not what you want.

    It's an awful situation you're in and you have my total sympathy.

    Geoff.

  6. Chris 21
    Chris 21 avatar
    7 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for the replies, it got too much last night and I was taken to a secure unit, I am allowed my phone….

     

    I have never felt pain like this in my life, my mum died when I was 23, this is 100 time’s worse … I am in a secure unit at a hospital as I speak … they claim they can help.. I don’t think I will be out for 1 or 2 weeks they have said …. As I need meds to kick in and work ….

    Thanks for the kind thoughts and prays..

     

    blessings to all.

  7. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    154 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris21,

    I'm really sorry to hear all you've been dealing with. We welcome you to the forums and will try to be as helpful and supportive as we can for you during this unimaginably hard time. This community is a safe space, everyone is welcome and wants to help each other. Please share with us how you are going as much as you can and are comfortable.

    I also agree with the other comment which asked if you had discussed a mental health care plan? In my darkest hours and hardest points in life, I have found incredible support from seeing a professional psychologist regularly to work through it. Would you be open to this?

    I've heard medication can take a little while to take effect, but it can be really helpful. I hope it kicks in and you are feeling more yourself soon.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Chris 21
    Chris 21 avatar
    7 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Banksy92
    Hi Banksy, I was admitted to a MHW last night, not permitted to leave , they are putting a MHP in place I assume, but they don’t grasp, I can’t get over my partner, I assumed it would get easier, but it hurts more everyday, now I am stuck in this place I feel million times worse .,, the MH Nurse rolled her eyes when she see me crying if to say man up. …
  9. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1551 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris 21,

    Im sorry to hear that things got to much last night.

    Im glad to hear you are now receiving medical attention.

    Hang in there things will get better.

  10. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    154 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris, how are you feeling today?

    Please know that your feelings are completely valid while you process this loss. I understand your difficulty, waiting to feel better but still hurting so deeply but if you hang in there a little while longer, it gets easier.

    A MH plan will be a great support to you - I hope you are able to see someone soon to talk through how you're feeling and make a plan towards feeling stronger and happier. As the medication takes effect this may also really help.

    Do you have access to pens and paper in the facility? Perhaps you might like to try journaling as a way to process your feelings. When I have been weighed down by depression or intense anxiety, writing out my feelings really helps.

    Have you ever tried meditation or deep breathing exercises? This is also a really helpful tool to calm the mind. If you have access on your phone, maybe try one of these Youtube videos for a guided option: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W19PdslW7iw

    Or, on your own you can try closing your eyes while sitting or lying down, breathing in slowly to the count of 5, and out slowly to the count of 5. Doing this for 10-15 minutes can have a great impact on your mood.

    Let us know how you're getting on.

  11. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris 21

    Thank you for reaching out. Reaching out can sometimes be the hardest first step. I was where you are 11 years ago. Separation, young children, self-harm, suicide attempt and hospital stays. Let me just say, you are still here for a reason and you have got this.

    Everyone is different with their stories and how it affects them. There is no right or wrong, only how you yourself feel. What I can tell you, however, is your strength is in your children and in you. They are your purpose and they do need you no matter the dark self-talk you are currently saying to yourself. I don't know about you, but for me, I don't think I actually meant to commit suicide, just make the pain go away. Maybe this sounds similar? Let me tell you a little of my story. I was diagnosed with a mental illness 3 years before my relationship ended. It was a deciding factor for him for his own personality reasons. I had all the self-talk that included everyone would be so much better off, but I am here to tell you, that is just not true. I nearly succeeded in my attempt and it wasn't until I had recovered from that that I realised so many important factors. I wanted to see my children grow up, I wanted to see my little girl in her wedding dress, see their formals and play with my grandchildren. My children were my life before my attempt and they became my life and savour after my attempt. I thought about the long term trauma I would have caused them and came to a very big decision. As much as I loved my ex-partner, as much as I couldn't imagine life without him, that he was everything to me - my children needed me more than I needed him.

    I empathise so much with you, in that coping with mental illness at the same time as a major relationship breakdown is one of the hardest things to do. You feel so broken, but like I truly believe you will, I found my strength bit by bit, slowly but surely. Today, 11 years after, I can honestly say that looking back, I can't believe what I very nearly missed out on. I have seen 2 of my 3 children have their formals, I have seen how amazing they are as sub-adults and teenagers.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Sorry, I write too much. This is the rest of my reply.

    Depression is so hard and seeing any light at the end of the tunnel is just so hard to find, but you will find it, trust me. I believe that those of us with mental ill-health are just like caterpillars. Trying hard to get through each day, fighting off everything that wants to attack us. The cocoon is the warm place we place ourselves in and give ourselves permission to heal, find our strength, work on our ill-health and then emerge as beautiful butterflies. The light is individual to each and every one of us. My light was my children and as I focused harder on it, the larger that light grew. There is no magical cure, we will always have good and bad days and that's ok. We can give permission to ourselves to have those moments. But we can also give ourselves permission to prosper and find other meanings in our lives to keep that light shining bright.
    You are not defined by your partner, no matter how amazing she is or how much you love her - I do understand. What feels like never-ending pain, does end. Step by step, little by little, baby step by baby step. You don't have to make be leaps and bounds, just as long as you are stepping. What feels like no support, no joy - there is support, even if it is just in this forum for now, but also hope through some mental health professionals who can help you through this. If you don't feel one is helping or meshes with you, that's ok, just keep going until you do find one that does. You will find joy. Even if it starts off with smiling at a good memory. Your life means something - try to never forget that. You have a purpose in life, even if you don't believe you have found it yet. Have faith x

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Chris 21
    Chris 21 avatar
    7 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Not Limited
    Thanks for the replies, it’s still hurting, and I still feel low, I accept it’s over, she made that clear, but I love her more than life… and I can’t give up hoping she will come back … I have to have fist in the universe and if fate means we will be together we will … I will love her to my dying breath … she is my world and always will be. It’s all my fault she left me, I won’t go into details but I feel this is karma, and getting what I deserve, just so sad, when I needed her most she left, she said she is broken and can’t do it anymore.
  14. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris 21

    Hi Chris21

    It's a grief process, not unlike if a partner has past away. There is no right or wrong for how long the process takes or what stages you will experience when, so be kind to you.

    Relationships take two. Two to make it and two to break it. It may feel like it is all one-sided, but it still takes two. When you have mental ill-health, it is really easy to blame yourself and your illness, but it is still like any other serious health condition. Just because you have a mental health condition, does not mean you are all to blame.

    I don't know your history and whether karma is a word I would use, but I do know that it is really easy to find all the faults and the faults we are told we have as a way to take on all responsibility. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect and everyone has times in their lives where they wish they had done something differently. I blamed my mental health and used it as an excuse for my ex-partner for behaving and acting the way he did, but the fact is, he had those flaws before I even became mentally unwell, I just didn't want to see them at the time or would talk them away.

    It is extremely hard when things end, especially if it is not on your terms and you still truly love that person. It happens in all relationships that end that way, not a mental ill-health perception. I used to work in family law and saw it every day and went through it myself. It's really really hard. However, step by step you will get there will come to know that life isn't over, as there is just still so much life and love you have yet to experience. How we feel now, isn't how we are always going to feel, even when you can't imagine feeling any other way. Think about the things you thought were true and tried as a teenager and think about what your perceptions are now. They are never the same and constantly evolving.

    Relationships when one has a mental health condition still take two to receive the help and support they need for the relationship to survive. Was she seeking any support of her own, attending appointments with you, receiving family support etc?

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Not Limited

    Hi Chris 21

    Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are going?

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