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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Sick and tired of being sick

Topic: Sick and tired of being sick

  1. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    22 June 2020

    Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

    I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

    I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

    I don't want to live like this anymore.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hey Bbydoll, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We're so sorry to hear about what's been going on with you lately. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of difficulties and we know this must be so hard on you. We can hear how overwhelmed you're feeling, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

    If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    So typical that no one else is commonly commenting on here. It's like I don't exist.
  4. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    224 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    Firstly I just wanted to mention that posts doen't always appear straight away here and can potentially take up to 12hrs so unfortunately there will always be a delay in getting replies. While discussion of moderation decisions on the forums is against the community rules, you can familiarise yourself with the moderation process here: 

    When I first started posting here I felt completely abandoned too when there were no replies.

    However I actually wanted to respond to your post about autoimmune diseases. I have 2 of these. One is managed with a tablet & I don’t get too many side effects from the condition apart from fatigue. But my other condition is type 1 diabetes & that is just relentless with the management. I do finger prick blood tests about 10 times a day, I’m constantly assessing what to eat & calculating the carbs of everything that goes in my mouth so I dose the insulin correctly. If I want to exercise I need to adjust insulin dosages or foods eaten, if I’m not hungry, I make more adjustments.. I’ve had this disease for 35 years & every day is the same micro management of my life. There are no breaks for it, ever.

    So I can 100% understand how overwhelming it is. The mental strain, emotional toll, distress, burn out & the dream to just give it all up for one day of freedom ie not managing a life threatening disease.

    Im sorry our friends can’t relate. I’ve discovered unless you find someone with the same condition, no one really understands at all.

    I’m currently seeing a psychologist who specialises in diabetes & chronic illness & this has really made a difference support wise for me. It could be something you may want to consider?

    Otherwise you can look for support groups online, or maybe there’s a social group for people with the same condition as you, either meeting in person or just a Facebook group.

    Otherwise, just post here. I’m not online every day, but I pass through once a week & will always be happy to respond when I am around.

    Take care of yourself, & don’t be too critical of yourself. We can’t be perfect all the time. So it’s ok to need time out, or relax your care regime if possible for a few hours or days.

    I just want you to know that we are out here & we do hear you. I would love to hear back from you if you feel up to it

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue
    Thank you for replying. I'm on several different support groups on Facebook but no one can relate because of my complex medical problems. Every time I try and move forward with my life; my body prevents it from happening. There's always something that is going on. The older I get the more they find issues with. I'm at breaking point.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    We're sorry to hear that you're feeling you're at breaking point at the moment. We understand that it might feel quite hard for others to relate to you since you have complex medical problems and this must be very difficult to cope with. We think you are so strong and we are so grateful that you are still reaching out.

    Firstly, the BigBlue is correct. Most posts get answered by the community within 24 hours, but sometimes they slip the net. Please try not to take this personally, the forums can be a very busy space.  Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The amount of replies received will always vary from day to day.  Our community also operates on the principle of 'give support to receive support' - you are more likely to receive replies if you get involved with the community and respond and talk to members on existing threads.

    Secondly, it might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area. It sounds like you are trying to do this in the Facebook groups and we would strongly encourage you to keep trying. ​​​You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

    If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, we would encourage you to take a look at the following page - "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

    And remember that there are crisis supports available to you:
    • Lifeline – 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-midnight (Syd time)
    • Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

    Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.
     
  7. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi. In the first months after I started seeing a psychologist I was checking in with my GP to rule out other possibilities. Might be worth mentioning I am nearly 50. Anyways... since then the list of things I deal with are (i) haemochromatosis, (ii) annual tests for prostate cancer, (iii) annual ultrasound (cannot remember what for) and (iv) there was something else but I cannot remember as I write this. In one way or another there are links with anxiety and depression. I am not mentioning this as a means of comparing what you have to me or vice versa. I guess the way I looked at it was that as each issue was addressed, it was something that could be crossed off the list in relation to depression and anxiety.

    I am aware from my own experience at that time it was a case "what else?!?" despite what I would say to others as crossing things off the list.

    Let change the topic a little.... what have you been up to recently?

    Tim

  8. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim. Thanks for your reply. I totally get the "what's next". As that's kinda what is happening with me! I do post updates on my Facebook page with my health as I have online friends overseas that worry about what's happening if I'm not online. They don't say much because what can they after the latest diagnosis or trip to hospital for medical problems etc.

    I have been trying to organize my apartment as I have surgery coming up. And as I'll be facing this on my own (again), I need to be prepared as possible. I've had multiple surgeries since my mid 20s and I'm almost mid 40s and so it goes on. I've always been told that I'm too young to get services in place after surgery - which is an absolute joke. These surgeries are necessary to keep me alive. And the extra cleaning has worsened my fatigue. So I'm sleeping alot more.

    I did reconnect with one of my closest friends earlier in the week. But his wife doesn't like me very much because they both know that I have feelings for him. So I can't see him very often.

    I don't get close to people because they either leave me or they hurt me. Last week I was doing some grocery shopping and 2 of my neighbours were out as well and they offered me a lift home, which I accepted and they chose that moment to ridicule me about the fact that I've gained weight.

  9. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    24 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Dear Bbydoll,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 
     
    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
     
  10. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I'm planning on canceling my GP appointment today. I barely got any sleep due to my stress levels towards lack of funds. And my overall mental health state. It was to get a referral to see a dietitian to see whether or not I need to any supliments to get better nutrition.

    But if I could make my money go further... I could afford to live off something other than 2 minute noodles. The local food banks - are all drive through only and I don't have a car or license.

    I can't work because of my crap health. I've had almost no employment or enough training to get a job; even if I applied for one. It's a never ending route of how pathetic my life is and that it's going nowhere fast. I've lost all motivation to do anything remotely beneficial for myself.

  11. grandmababa
    grandmababa avatar
    1 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll.

    Same. Totally relate to your story. I'm sick of being sick. Live alone. I don't tell ANYONE how sick I am, don't want anyone worrying bout me. They have their own stuffand lives to lead.

    My quality of life is so poor that I can't do anything. I literally spend 22-23 hours in bed. Every day!! That is NOT a life worth living.

    I only go out for food shopping once a week. Not contemplating suicide, but am SO depressed. Don't know what to do. Am too ashamed and scared to phone any helpline.

    Not coping at all. Hoping tomorrow will be better than past few weeks

  12. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to grandmababa

    Hi grandmababa,

    Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out here tonight on Bbydoll's thread. It sounds like it must be so tough feeling lonely, but we hope being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.

    We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. You are also always welcome to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) to talk through these feelings.

    We know that it can feel a bit frightening to reach out, but please know that these supports are here for people just like you who are wanting some extra support. You don't have to go through this on your own, help is always here for you.
     

    1 person found this helpful
  13. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    224 posts
    25 June 2020

    Just wanted to drop by & see how you are going Bbydoll?

    I see things have been pretty tough for you right now but I hope your standing tall & still fighting.

    welcome also to grandmababa. I just wanted to say if your not comfortable th calling someone for support, have you tried the online chat services? Beyond Blue have one, as does Lifeline & Suicide Call Back Centre. Lifeline even have a text message service but it only operates of an evening until midnight.

    i too was very fearful of reaching out the first time, but the few times I have actually called up in my moments of despair I have found it helpful.

    while they don’t always have a solution to the problems, they can recommend other services you can try. But sometimes it’s just as simple as having someone to talk with to that helps the most.

    Hope things improve for the both of you

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue

    Thanks for checking in TheBigBlue, I really appreciate it. I'm up and down emotionally at the moment and no one else is any wiser. I was chatting with a friend who also suffers from depression but she just dominates the conversation and I wind up giving her advice on things she's already following through on.

    I've used the lifeline chat/text and it was good. Unfortunately my phone is currently freezing - so am limiting my usage in the hopes it will fix itself.

    I know that I should be happy that I have a relative who has offered to pay about half of the $2500 on my teeth... but I still see the struggles with getting the rest of the money together. And moving forward with my life; when I'm feeling so terribly stuck.

    Grandmababa, I am so sorry that you're struggling so much. It's hard when those around you have no idea how difficult things are. I understand how frustrating it is. Have you tried journaling how you're feeling? You can also get some counseling through a mental health plan with your GP. For free under medicare - they might even be able to do it online; so you don't have to leave home.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Feeling ill. I went back to binge eating; which I haven't done in a long time. Frustrated with life. Hating myself. Hating life. I wish I believed that life was going to get better. But honestly I don't.
  16. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    Thank you for being part of our forums, sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. Just a reminder if you ever want further support you can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
     
  17. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    29 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I spent all day sleeping. Finally getting to sleep after 7am. Once again feeling pretty miserable with the state of my life. Over eating tonight and not helping that I'm constantly so cold. Will probably go to to bed. Because there's no point to anything right now.

  18. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Last night I got to bed about 1am. Slept through until about 330pm. Have stuffed myself. Will be going back to bed. Because what's the point in anything.
  19. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    224 posts
    30 June 2020

    Hey Bbydoll,

    im sorry things have been so awful for you.

    But don’t feel guilty about needing to sleep, or not wanting to do anything but sleep. You just do what you need to do to get through the hard times. But it won’t always be this way even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

    stuff everything else, just do something nice for yourself. Whether that be a bath, buying a coffee, watching a favourite movie or show. Just spend a little time on yourself.

    hugs

  20. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue
    Thanks Big Blue I appreciate the sentiments, I really do! I can't afford any special extras in my life right now. Because money is so tight. The only bad side about sleeping is that I'm putting on more weight and not getting anything done. As mentioned before I have no extra support or partner/kids/ family around. I also don't speak to most of my family because I had a fall out with most of them a couple of years ago. I'm losing the will to do anything right now. It seems just pointless when I'm constantly struggling and not achieving anything.
  21. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,
    Thank you for continuing in being part of our forums and checking in back with us. Sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you and that you are going through tough times.  Just a reminder if you ever want further support you can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 as well as chat to Lifeline on https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/online-services/crisis-chat
    Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
  22. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    With all due respect. I'm not sure that they can help. They can't change my crap health/circumstances. I can't work. I can't study because I can't afford to get the internet or laptop. I wish there was a way out of this funk but I don't see it happening any time soon!

  23. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Got to bed at 630am instead. Was supposed to get up at 10am. Alarm went off... I closed my eyes and it was 130pm. So I missed my appointment with my GP. Have to travel tomorrow morning 2 hours by train to go to a hospital for pre admission testing for next surgery. Have to be on a train by about 7am. Not sure how I'm going to manage when I'm barely functioning at all.

  24. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Went to bed at 130. Was up at 6am. No amount of food could fix the overwhelming fatigue. So I'm missing the appointment at the hospital. Because I'm not functioning properly. Going back to bed. Stupid body. I can't do anything. Can't go anywhere. What the hell is the point anymore
  25. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6836 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,
    I am really sorry to hear how much you are still struggling. Its awful that your physical health and fatigue are gettingin the way of you getting help, it all sounds very frustrating. I hope you can get some rest today and can reschedule the appointment. 

    I hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    If you are feeling low today I would highly suggest speaking to a counsellor on one of those services, its not nice feeling alone in all of this. 

    Take care. 
  26. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    10022 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Bbydoll,

    Im deeply sorry to hear of your struggling your having to deal with...

    I don’t have auto immune disease, but I can hear the pain, hurt and frustration in your posts....I’m sorry that I can’t give you much support along that area...but if it’s okay with you, I would like to be here for you as a listening heart, and hopeful that you would like to chat to me, as I also live alone, I’m 64 and at times the loneliness overwhelms me...

    Do you have any pets, I have 2 little dogs, and just inherited a small Quarrien (small bird)...They can give me reason to continue in this universe at times...How about hobbies that you like to do..I try hard to do things..I can start something that I want to do..but alas I never finish..

    I am a binge eater, but only when I’m down or can’t sleep...Having no one here with me to give me a cuddle, I head for the cupboard or fridge...I know it’s not good for me..but it does comfort me..until I realise what I’m doing then I go down on me...promise myself I won’t binge again...but promises to myself are breakable...

    Im sorry Bbydoll, my post is just a lot of small insignificant talking...I really wanted to let you know that I’ve been listening, but held back posting because I can’t offer you advice on your physical self....and to let you know that I do care, and wish so much that things will eventually become easier for you to manage...and I would love to get to know you better...you sound like a beautiful person who is hurting so much, and would like to be here for you, if you need to chat...

    Sending my love, my care and some lovely bear hugs to you..I know that the hugs are not real ones to be felt physically, they do come from my soul and hope you can feel them...If I was with you in r/l..I certainly would be giving you a hug..🧸🤗..

    Look after you beautiful lady...your important, even if you don’t think so, you really are..

    Grandy..

  27. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I slept for about 7 hours but my health is giving me problems and I'm in physical pain; along with the mental pain tonight. I'm roasting up some veggies in the oven at the moment to nibble on later in the week. I also have frozen up some chicken and vegetable soup into individual servings. I did a big shop and had it delivered before the restrictions - in the hope of eating better. Plus I'm going to have about $40 to live off next fortnight after paying off several over due bills.

    Grandy; thank you for your kind words and hugs. I don't have any pets. But would love a dog. Unfortunately I'm in and out of hospital quite a bit and it wouldn't be unfair on them, if I got one. I usually enjoy doing arts and craft type projects. Or listening to music. But even that's not enjoyable at the moment.

    I did reach out to a friend who also suffers from depression; thinking she'd understand or at the very least let me talk to her. But she always ends up telling me her problems instead of just letting me vent mine. There's only one friend that truly is kind enough and supportive enough for me; but his wife doesn't like me hanging out with him because we are close and I'm sure that she feels threatend by this despite the fact he told her that I'm struggling with my health at present.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    10022 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Bbydoll....🤗.

    Its hard to find things that we enjoy doing when we are down or in pain...I’m so sorry that you’re hurting so much...

    I have started so many craft projects, then because I can’t enjoy them, placed them in my spare room..I often say to myself that one day I’ll finish them all..I did complete a life size stuffed doll...that sits in my dining room..gathering dust now..😂..

    My choice of music is stuck in the 60s/70s..pop rock/blues...I don’t listen much to music..although I do love lighting my scented candles and putting on a peaceful instrumental while I watch them...the flames can become very mesmerising...I light 8 at a time...all different shapes, sizes and scents...Do you like candles?...

    I am sorry your kind friends wife doesn’t like you hanging out with him...and your other friend doesn’t really listen with care when your trying to get the bads out of your thoughts...Please sweetheart..I know it’s not the same as in real life..This is a great place to vent out your feelings, thoughts and how you’re feeling, when you need to..I usually do..I have rung BB helpline as well and they are really very caring people..If you need to voice your thoughts out loud...

    I hope today for you was better then yesterday...

    sending you my love, care and hugs..💜🦋🤗..

    Here for you lovely Bbydoll....

    Grandy..

  29. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    166 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Another day slept away. I'm in (physical) pain and not well with my health tonight. I want to watch Mean girls on tv (movie); but think I'm better off going back to bed. My brother and his family maybe popping by tomorrow because they're looking for a new rental. I actually would prefer not to see them as I don't feel up to visitors. If I tell them that I'm struggling with my health; they see it as me complaining about it. So it's better just to say nothing at all.

    Hi Grandy; can't really have candles here, as I'm in an apartment building and risk setting off the fire alarm. Today was pretty much the same as yesterday. But I'm dealing with health issues as well as mental health issues and both together are draining in every sense of the word. Hope you have a lovely night... but I'm headed back to bed.

  30. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi,

    For some people when they ask me how I am, my reply is the "depends what answer you want".

    But it is frustrating when those close to you don't really care (?) how you are feeling or think you are whinging. And honestly, I am like when it comes to my brother - I don't really tell him how I am, and he has also said he is rather self-centered so there is little gained in me speaking the truth.

    A year or two ago, I bailed on 2 meetings as I was not in the mood and feeling sorry for myself. When I went to my a psych next time I mentioned what happened. They suggested that I attended those meetings as it would have been a distraction from how I was feeling. It is difficult to do the opposite of what our mind tells us to do.

    Sending positive thoughts to you

    Tim

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