i have been clean for almost 2 months now, im super proud of myself, but after not really thinking about it for days I will randomly get really strong urges? AAh i know its probably normal but its really not fun, anyone got any tips to deal with urges?

Hello Tamrby, you should be very proud of yourself, if you are able to give us a bit more information of what you've stopped this may then be able for us to help you along, because that's what we want to do for you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Tamrby,

I agree with Geoff, a little more information would be great. Two months is no small feat. If you feel comfortable, what substance have you been clean from for two months? And do you have support in your life - eg family, friends, partner?

hey, sure I have stopped sh, its something I've been trying to stop for a while

hey, I guess I do have friends but I don't like to dampen the mood too much and my parents are aware of my SH but they don't really understand so it's like im talking to a brick wall

Right... I understand. How long have you been experiencing these problems?

uh about a year now, and im trying to manage it but its been difficult, i was seeing someone, but not sure I want to go back, getting help from the school councillors never made me feel better and my parents are lowkey against therapy, they'd rather I talk to them but I get ignored if I'm in a bad mood, so getting mixed signals

I’m so sorry to hear that. Often people from the generation before us like us to solve problems their way, and are distrustful of therapy and medicines. Back in my days I saw a school guidance counsellor and found it useless. Then at uni I saw a uni counsellor, and that was better. Then a clinical psychologist and that was better still. Nowadays it’s get more anxiety than depression. Is talking to a professional something that you want to do? How old are you by the way? you must still be of high school age?

hello, and thank you for answers, yes im currently in highschool I'm in year ten, I turn 16 soon and move to a new school as after year ten my school places us in another school for year eleven and twelve, perhaps I should see help there? I don't know how long I can do this alone.

I don't even care if its a professional, just an adult who I can trust would do, but as I stated earlier my parents arent ones to let me talk about me issues in a caring manner, they either force me to when I don't want to or when I do start speaking to them, they just aren't much help

Hi Tamrby,

It's good to see that you've made some connections with some of our community members. Seeking help is a good idea - it sounds like you're struggling at the moment. Please know that there is always support available to you.

We would urge you to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

If you are interested, we would also recommend getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services. They also have a group chat on their webpage.

It may be helpful to have a read through one of our threads, "Instead of harming myself I now...". This page is filled with ideas by other community members like you, who use, or have previously used, self harm as a negative coping strategy.

Thank you so much for reaching out here. Please feel free to keep us updated here whenever you feel up to it.

You’re right, it doesn’t have to be a professional. The problem with parents is that a child is often so precious to them that they are afraid to just have an honest chat.... we all see our own view of the world and hope that our particular view can be used to help others. You’re right, it can be anyone - if you happen to be in a spot to see a professional though, definitely give it a go. They can help you sort through your problems in a more objective way. Even someone who isn’t an adult can be a really protective force. Do how close are you with your friends? Do you have any you could really have an honest chat with?

My friends are a bit tricky, I tend not to burden them too much as we are all teenagers and have their own struggles, mines seem little compared to theirs sometimes, I have two friends that I'm very close to and talk about these things with.

You know what? I also had little problems compared to others - no poverty, loving non abusive parents, no bullying really, but just basically no friends, nobody to talk to except my parents - which were great, but like you’ve outlined above they aren’t always the best at understanding. In the end problems are as varied as people.

You seem quite wise and caring: not wanting to bother your friends. If you can though, and you can trust them and they can maintain what you say in confidence, it can do wonders. We know that meaningful relationships with others does reduce pain and suffering, so if you’re in a position to take advantage of deep conversation then by all means, take advantage of it - only you can be the judge of whether that’s appropriate.

Also if I’m not stepping over boundaries here, are you male or female? Depression is much more common in females, and particularly tends to hit teenage females hard.

hi, no worries I am female and i dont know if this has anything to do with it but I go to an all girls school and every now and again some girls will harrass me, film without consent, and possibly cyberbully me and my friends behind our backs

Aw my dear that’s terrible. I was going to say that social media can also be quite bad for teenage girls. Yeah it could be a bad culture at your school. Girls can be very vicious at bullying, inducing sadness in others, whereas I guess to generalise, when boys bully, it’s to assert dominance and induce fear - although it’s not like all boys and girls bully in this way.

that would definitely make life difficult for you, I’m so sorry to hear that. As long as you need it you can talk to me on this thread :) How long has this been happening for?

as long as I've been in highschool me and my friend group have been underdogs but it only became a big issue from year eight onwards, I've also gone to the principal about the on going homophobia at my school. It sounds like this school is horrible but the school itself is okay it is the culture as you said, I'm moving schools next year for year 11 and 12 as the school I go to now only goes until year 10 so I 'm trying just to get through it but idk how much more i can handle.

also i'd like to thank you so much for listening just talking about it helps

It’s my pleasure Tamrby.

I think that’s one of the reasons talking with certain people helps. With family and certain friends, they are really so stressed out about what is going on that they’re inadvertently actually trying to suppress their own worry, rather than having the primary’s goal of helping you gain an honest understanding. This is completely understandable - you mean a lot to them, so it is very threatening when you are psychologically distressed. I have two young children of my own, so I understand this now- their wellbeing is as big a goal as my own . However, you may still be able to talk to them, it can just be.... different from talking to someone that has a little more distance and perspective.

So I think talking is good for this reason, and talking to someone with a different perspective can help you sort out two kinds of problems - problems with your thinking/mind (this is what CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy) treats. But the other are problems in life, such as stuff you’re doing that’s not helping, or in your case, people that actively undermine your desire to live a psychologically fulfilled life. It’s very complex, but that really passive aggressive stuff like filming and cyber bullying really is a form of evil I think. And so problems like that are difficult to manage, because there’s an element you can’t control. For me, most of my issues have been self generated (due to my own thought patterns and brain physiology (an exception has been my social anxiety, which is unpredictable too, because you can’t control other people, but at least with that kind of problem nobody is purposely trying to harm you. When other people are the cause, you’re never going to be able to completely predict what to do.

I’d be happy to keep talking to you as long as you need via this thread. One of the downsides is that via messages there is a huge lag and you don’t get the psychological benefits of presence with another human. But you do get someone who truly cares about you, even though they don’t know where you are or what you look or sound like. And essentially honest conversation like this has the dual benefit of caring which is vital for human flourishing, and helping to solve problems in a way less clouded by emotion.

So I guess that sounds good that you’re changing schools next year, I’m sorry it’s not sooner. Do you know if your friends will be following you to the same school?

yeah most people from my school are going to be there, but i think the culture of it is totally different and we will be mixing with boys as we are all currently at an all girls school, that will be interesting for some but maybe it will give the people who harrass me something to do ahah

Yeah definitely haha, chase the boys and be chased by the boys too :P - I hope it's better you in that regard.

How's everything else going, like coping with study and how's your relationship with your parents, other than them being unhelpful or trying to force you to talk? - which can be problematic can't it.

ahah yeah, no either than the homophobia and racism my parents are great (so odd to hear that in the same sentence) but they do care about me so not much to complain, uhhh yeah stress about studying is normally what causes me to relapse but I've been doing okay i just have to make it through these rounds of assesments, their at the start of the term this time so they can get reports out which is fun as they like to cramp it all together but im coping okay so far

and the sexism ^ sorry thats a big mention, they are lovely people mostly especially my dad but he is also especially sexist just yesterday he told me the world would be okay if women stayed at home like they always had

I can relate to assessment causing psychological distress. I'm currently studying at uni at the moment, and have been for a while. Yeah it's brutal really how much they make young men and women do at high school. Happy to talk through coping with assessments if you ever want to - I've plenty of "trauma" from that haha.

Is the homophobia and sexism personally distressing to you?

sometimes the sexism gets to me because you know its just stupid and thats also the reason it doesn't get to me because he's not educated, but the homophobia really gets to me especially with my mother as im part of the community and am too frightened to come out to her because of the things she's 'threatened' and said. I don't think she would kick me out but at the same time I just don't know. I have tested the waters with her before and her responses haven't been good. Anyway my dad is definitely the most problematic but my mother just is on a whole other level of homophobia, I don't know which one is worse.

Also I'm currently in exam season so any help you can give to get me through that will be appreciated

Have you come to people other than your parents?

School life is tricky, for many anyway. What kinds of study habits do you follow now, and are you happy with your grades??

Hi Tamrby!

Well done on staying clean for two months! Super normal to have urges from what i've read. I've heard meditation and going for a walk in nature can be good for this, as i've heard usually these kinds of urges only last a little while so if you can do something to distract yourself for even just ten minutes you might find a big reduction in the intensity. I saw a school counsellor in high school and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was a bit scary at first although they were super kind and helpful. Hope that helps!

thank you so much for the tips S D, I am currently seeing the counsellor at my school as well but am not sure if I want to return and if I do should I tell her about my self harm? I really don't want her to call my parents and all though they already know I'd rather not have that conversation again

I do wish I did better in school but I'm not failing or anything (other than maths sometimes but we don't talk about that ahah) I will admit I had never studied very hard (except for maths as I would literally get one mark if I didnt) until last year and struggle with procrastination but I have improved and normally I eat something and do some work (sometimes taking a break for a walk) but I have had to catch up on a fair bit of content as I previously decided to not study and self sabotage, so I'm basically studying way more than others in my class and it's a bit stressful (which admittedly is my fault) But I really worry about relapsing during exam season as stress or not doing well in an exam is something that triggers me