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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicidal constantly

Topic: Suicidal constantly

  1. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    4 October 2021

    Hi all.

    Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.

    It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.

    I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.

    That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.

    It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.

    Anyway stay safe all.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    5926 posts
    4 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hi Chris_Tas,
     
    Thank you for reaching out again and sharing with us how you are feeling at the moment. We’re sorry to hear that you are suffering from constant thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you have tried to speak to those close to you about how you feel, but they have ignored you instead. We can't imagine how debilitating that must be when your experiences are not taken seriously.
     
    We will be contacting you privately to see how we can support you further though this.
     
    If you are feeling overwhelmed with your thoughts and want to talk to someone who will listen, please get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Petal22
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    4 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris Tas,

    Im sorry you are having suicidal thoughts and that the people you are telling aren't giving you support.

    I also had horrible dark intrusive thoughts they were constant……. they have now lifted thanks to the professional help I received.

    Chris, have you been able to speak to your gp about the way you are feeling and your thoughts…. With the correct treatment they can lift for you too…

    Please call a beyond blue councillor 1300 22 4636 anytime you feel you need support.

    3 people found this helpful
  4. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
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    4 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hello Chris, I'm really sorry to know that your parents take no notice of what you're saying and thinking about it a lot of the time and their reaction is far from being trustworthy and certainly not helping you in any way, maybe once you see your doctor and explain exactly what you've told us, then they can ring your parents.

    Another option is if you are 25 or under you can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat, or online then these counsellors can help you and also contact your parents, because they do need to know that these thoughts are real.

    Please be careful.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. therising
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    2182 posts
    4 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    I wish I was there standing beside you, questioning your parents, when you express so honestly and painfully how you feel.

    I would ask 'What leads you to laugh at such incredibly deep soul destroying pain? What leads you to see this as a joke?'. I would ask 'What leads you to recognise someone who needs desperate attention, yet fall so short by simply labeling them 'an attention seeker' and that is it?'. I would ask 'What leads you to feel so inconvenienced by someone's pain to the point where it causes you anger?' As someone who has felt the full impact of the depths of depression earlier in my life and as a mum - I cannot help but question so much.

    When surviving depression feels like a full time job, it can be incredibly hard to work in any other area of our life. No one understands this better than someone who's experienced this mindset. When depression's not as intense, a job can then be manageable.

    Not sure if the following will help in any way Chris but I hope so:

    I've found perspective is what dictates reality. From the perspective of depression, the very depths of it can hold truly torturous internal dialogue. From the perspective of having come out of 15 or so years of depression, the dialogue, for me, makes more sense. It's the same dialogue based on 2 different realities. From the reality of depression

    • I just can't do this anymore
    • If this is what life is, it is torturous
    • What's the point of going on?
    • I am worthless. No one cares about me

    and so on.

    From reality outside of depression

    • I just can't do this anymore. I can't live with my self, that sense of self who can't see or feel the truth. That sense of self who longs to find the truth and master feeling it must come into play
    • If this is what life is, it is torturous. Life comes with overwhelming challenges at times and some of those can feel incredibly torturous. It's the nature of some challenges to feel depressing. The greater the challenge the more depressing it can feel. Personally, I've come to grade my challenges based on how I feel them. I can also feel when I've come out of one or am coming out of one
    • What's the point of going on? I believe our #1 job is to go on to truly know our self, evolving beyond who we think we are or who we're led to believe we are
    • I am worthless. No one cares about me. I am worth less only through the eyes of those who fail to see my value. They are failing. Those who do not care are careless. I will feel who cares and who doesn't care enough
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Chris_Tas
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    58 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you very much to the posts and support above.

    I have taken every word in and I assure you all words written to me greatly appreciated.

    So yes, BeyondBlue looked after me and I have just been released by the Psych ward.

    The staff and rooms were fantastic and it is clearly what I needed.

    I am very thankful for the support given to me and it has saved me life.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Mk2692
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    10 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris_Tas,

    Thank you for reaching out to us here and I am so happy that you were able to find the help you needed. I'm glad that you are doing better now and that the support we were able to provide here helped you through this hard time. Please don't hesitate to reach out here about any situation you are in or whether you want to come for a chat, we are always here to help. All the best.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Petal22
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    10 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    Thank you for your post I’m so happy to hear that you were looked after..

    Im really glad that our support has helped you ..

    Please reach out to us anytime.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. therising
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    therising avatar
    2182 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    So happy to hear from you. Your courage and progress through your depression, especially regarding your stay in the ward, is something to be incredibly proud of. From my own experience, I've found that every time you venture outside the square in surviving depression, it is something to be proud of. To find yourself outside your comfort zone and go on to manage that new zone does take courage.

    I think sometimes it feels impossible to be proud of our self while in depression, especially in the depths where we're tempted to think less of our self. While now outside my years in ongoing depression, I can look back and say...I have achieved much in life so far and I have done much to be proud of so far (including raising 2 amazing kids) but my greatest achievement comes with the thing I am most proud of and that is having survived depression, doing whatever it took to stay alive.

    It is my wish for you Chris that you not only find your way out of depression but you also come to see how truly amazing you are in surviving it.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you all.

    Again I won't mention each individual point rather please know it's been read and taken "on board".

    It's difficult as I'm now "home" but Dad said again he wished I was dead. Mum said a coward by thinking of suicide.

    So yeah, it sort of makes a very difficult situation even harder yet they think it is helping? Or don't care? Honestly I don't know.

    So yes all those in my position please seek help as my support from BeyondBlue has been nothing short of exceptional and likely saved my life.

    Stay safe all. Seek help if you need to, no shame in it despite what some might say.

    Chris

  11. Petal22
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    12 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris T,

    I am so so sorry that your parents said that to you it’s just horrible Chris…….

    Do you live with your parents ?

    Please keep seeking help as you need it Chris T, we are all here to support you please keep chatting to us…

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Chris_Tas
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    58 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal.

    Thank you for your reply.

    Yes after 20 years living in a marriage etc I moved back with parents. (after my daughter stolen by Ex)

    For my own circumstances it's been a shocking experience despite great intentions (I'm 40, lawyer, independent etc)

    I need to find new accommodation as this clearly is only making my mental health worse (they have a beautiful home but that's irrelevant to me).

    Thank you again to you and all members for your ongoing support.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Petal22
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    12 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    That’s ok Chris,

    I understand, yes maybe living with your parents isn’t helping your mental health.

    You need to surround yourself with positive supportive people.

    Happy to support you Chris, please chat to us anytime.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Sleepy21
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    12 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris, welcome to the forums.

    I have never met anyone who uses being suicidal as an excuse not to work. I don't believe that's a thing. I believe Ur parents are wrong.

    That said, it's very hard sometimes to disagree with authority figures. The best I think is to ask others who have empathy to help with Ur situation, and hear and know the truth, that u are worthy of help, not being dramatic, and deserve always, to be believed and helped. That's Ur right. Much support

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Shay123
    blueVoices member
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    14 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    hey Chris_Tas!

    I'm so sorry to hear that! It sounds like the people you trust aren't taking your cries for help seriously and it's upsetting to see! You must know that what you're feeling is real and valid regardless of what others may think! You are so incredibly strong and such a fighter for coming as far as you have! I know what it's like to lose someone and to be in a position to end it all and I know that it may be impossible to believe that you are loved and valued but trust me you are! It was absolutely devastating for me when I lost a close friend to suicide but I also know that when you're feeling suicidal yourself it can feel like it's impossible to believe that there are people out there who truly love and care for you but they are out there! Your friends and family do want the best for you even if it may not always come across that way in saying that you've been so brave speaking up and you must know that you're not being judged for it. We won't hurt you for doing so....we'll help guide you in the right direction because that's what we're here for! You are not alone in this fight and I know how extreme the isolation can feel but these feelings will come to an end and it's so important to remember that! There's nothing wrong in reaching out to a mental health professional to seek help regardless of what others may think, only you can know how you truly feel. Keep going because you're doing so well and we're all here to support and help you through this in whatever way we can! Keep reaching out whenever you feel like you need to! It's not weak...it's strong!

    1 person found this helpful
  16. therising
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    12 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    I feel for you so much as your parent's responses are heartbreaking. While your Dad's comment is undeniably depressing and thoughtless, your mum's view does not acknowledge the incredible mind altering and exhausting work it takes to stay alive while in the depths of depression.

    I've found, while being sensitive comes with many great abilities, it also comes with many great challenges. While we may be sensitive enough to feel when we can't navigate alone on a part of our path that is so dark, while we may be sensitive enough to feel when someone truly loves us and sensitive enough to feel whether a job is right for us or not, we can also be sensitive enough to feel heartbreak through the depressing nature of those who can challenge us the most, those who are perhaps supposed to support us more than anyone else. it can be such a massive challenge to separate our self from them.

    While some may equate sensitivity with weakness, I believe sensitivity relates to our ability to simply sense. Often it is those who are the most attuned (to sensing/feeling the intensity of challenges) that prove to be the strongest and the most conscious. For others, it typically takes no great effort on their part to remain closed minded and insensitive.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi all.

    As previous, I wish I could reply individually to each post as so much fantastic advice and support.

    I am extremely thankful, humbled in fact. I've read the posts many times.

    So the Acute Royal Hobart care team turned up today - part of being suicidal and I think is a great service.

    So I sit down with them and my own mother says "I'm sorry my son is a psycho and a loser, I promise it's not my fault".

    Both looked completely shocked but handled it well, and we ended up having a great discussion. (my mother wanted to listen but was told to leave....multiple times)

    So yeah, I'm committed to doing further counselling both mental and alcohol wise as that's my pathway to move forward.

    Clearly moving out and not hearing those comments I was told are not helpful in any way. In fact the Dr said quite dangerous to hear.

    Thank you again all. Just my update.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Sleepy21
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    13 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris, I'm really glad they came and helped you.

    I'm impressed how they handled Ur mother .

    She was only making things worse and u do not deserve to hear her comments, which frankly, constitute abuse.

    People are not bad for needing hospital service to assist them with their health. When I see ppl seeking hospital support, respite, recovery support, or admission or rehab for any kind of health issue, which mh is, I admire them.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Thank you Sleepy. (and everyone else)

    Yes the pair were fantastic in dealing with Mum and I'm very grateful to have that support.

    Yeah i agree it's abuse but mum doesn't seem to understand- I have a Psych appt and alcohol counselling and she said "go enjoy time with drunk, psycho losers like you. I wish you weren't born"

    That no longer upsets me as Psychiatrists said I'm dealing with my issues and ignore that (yes easier said than done but I'm committed to getting better).

    I appreciate your support as yes, people independently have said exactly the same.

    Takes courage to seek help I've been told and I encourage anyone who is struggling to do the same as help is definitely there.

    So please look after yourselves as if i can move forward and realise I need help trust me anyone can.

    Chris

  20. Petal22
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    14 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    Thank you for your reply.

    The Acute Hobart Care Team sounded great I’m glad that their service helped you..

    Im really sorry that your mum speaks to you the way she does, some times some people just don’t understand…… it takes someone to want to open their mind to understand. Please know Chris what your mum is saying is a reflection of herself, she’s showing you who she is.

    Its not you.

    I hope your phyc appointment goes well and your alcohol counselling I think it’s great that you are doing this Chris it really will help you to move forward.

    Well done for seeking help Chris it really does take courage you will have ups and downs in your recovery but the ups will begin to our weigh the downs just stick with it.

    Always here to chat to you

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Sleepy21
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    14 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris, or hurts so much to hear those words, and I just wanted to support u in saying u are worth th4 care Ur mum isn't giving u. I hope u can do some self care and not buy into her words,

    strong, intelligent, and highly successful ppl also experience pain and distress, I don't see how seeking treatment to improve one's health makes one bad or anything she said. Good on u for being so smart and thinking independently, outside of some of the limited and limiting opinions u have been exposed to. Hope Ur OK.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    23 October 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    So here we go again.

    Just don't think I can do this anymore. Clean, then suicidal so I drink, then clean and so on.

    The support here has been amazing and thank you.

  23. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    5926 posts
    23 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hi Chris_Tas,

    We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

    In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

    • Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

    • If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

    We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Petal22
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    23 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris Tas,

    Thanks for reaching out to us, I’m sorry you are feeling this way at the moment.

    Chris please hang in there and please use the contacts that Sophie has given to you if you feel you need to.

    I understand when you are clean things may seem out of control on the inside but please know this is temporary, with the correct help you will be able to recover.

    I know you are a great person Chris and you have a lot going for you, things will get better for you.

    Please seek the help you need Chris, as many times as you need it’s ok to keep seeking help.

    We want to see you well.

    Please feel free to keep checking in with us anytime.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. therising
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    23 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris_Tas

    For some, it's so hard to make it through depression without drinking. I was one of those people who drank my way through much of my depression. Even right through into the early years of motherhood, I drank to some degree, before coming out of my depression.

    Do you find you're an emotional drinker, you drink to feel a certain way? Perhaps it's not even a matter of wanting to feel happiness, could be a matter of turning the volume down on feeling sadness. Drinking to feel a sense of 'numbness' is also about drinking to feel. I drank for mind altering reasons. As I imagine you'd know, this way of managing depression comes with consequences, one of them involving alcohol being a depressant. Even though I knew this fact during my depression, I still drank, I still cycled through my relief and depression. It's so tough Chris. In hindsight, I've come to be far more understanding and kinder to my younger self for the questionable choices I made.

    Without counseling/guidance in making it through depression, it can be hard not to drink. I think there has to be somebody there saying in some way 'The sober thoughts and feelings are horrible, torturous and incredibly sh*tty at times (an understatement). They're a part of the overwhelming challenge that comes with making your way through depression. You're in depression for a reason or a number of reasons and even if you don't fully understand all those reasons, just know you are feeling the reasons. The more intense the reasons, the more intense the feelings'.

    Not sure if the following will help but I'll put it out there in the hope that it does in some way: The feeling of self sacrifice in depression was something I felt to be overwhelming at times. It wasn't until coming out of 15 or so years in depression that I came to better understand what it was about. Putting the incredible longing to escape the ongoing pain aside, it was about self, the sacrifice of self. Who was this self who suffered so much? She was, in part, the people pleaser who painfully tolerated other people's displeasure, the cruel judge who was conditioned to judge herself so harshly, the girl who had passions that others ridiculed, the wife who'd depressingly sacrificed her natural sense of self so as to keep the relationship alive etc etc. That self had to go. Life had become depressing and intolerable through that sense of self. I had absolutely no idea who I truly was beyond that self until I began to let go and find out.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Chris_Tas
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    58 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Tgank you to all the kind words and support.

    I assure you all taken in.

    Dad just said "you are the worst thing I've ever produced, and my garden is a disgrace".

    So yeah I totally take on board all comments.

    Just a bit tough to reply at length sorry.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  27. therising
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    24 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    No problem, no need to respond unless you feel the need :)

    As a mum, it pains me to hear the cruel words your parents have said to you over time. Harsh but if my dad was to say this to me, what your dad said to you, I imagine my response would be 'Well, doesn't that make you a pretty sh*tty producer. I'd be spending some time looking at exactly how you tended your garden Dad. You may be surprised to find areas of obvious neglect'.

    I believe, it's my calling in life as a mum to be a guide for my kids right through to my last breath. If they have managed to stray off their path to the degree where they feel so lost or so damaged, it's then I'd feel the need to question the ways in which I have lacked guidance for them. While kids, no matter their age, may make some questionable choices in life and may need to take a degree of responsibility for those choices, it's at those times that perhaps the guidance needs to be stronger than ever, in a variety of ways. While it may be easy to be a critic toward our kids, the challenge remains to be their guide. While no one has ever said parenting is easy, what must be said, at the very least, is that it should not be cruel.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Petal22
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    24 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris Tas,

    Thats ok happy to support you.

    Im sorry for what your Dad said to you that’s horrible.

    Please know your Dads behaviour is reflection of himself.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Yes you can give guidance.

    You and Petal (thank you) and others.

    Like all posters I appreciate it as will be third time in Psych ward

    Thing is i pads all their their tests and rightfully told to me to f*** off

  30. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    58 posts
    24 October 2021 in reply to therising
    Thank you Rising and Petal
    1 person found this helpful

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