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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicidal constantly

Topic: Suicidal constantly

  1. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    25 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Get help if suicidal.

    • Don't wait
  2. therising
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    25 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Wondering if your parents have always been challenging in ways and wondering whether you've felt the psych ward stays helping make a difference. Have you met anyone there, on those 3 occasions, who was outstanding in their approach to you? No need to answer if you don't want to.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    26 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi all.

    I sincerely apologise for my rambling. I get very upset and sort of lose the plot I bit.

    Every single poster in this and my depression thread I value extremely highly and that's why I try not to single out - please don't think it's because I'm being rude, far from it as it's all taken on board.

    TheRising my support in Psych Ward outstanding. I felt respected and truly valued as a human being - not a failed, idiot drunk as I hear daily.

    My parents gave me a great upbringing hence very lucky to have an excellent education.

    However they simply do not understand depression or suide. Like at all, talking a different language hence why as much as I hate being in hospital, I actually feel much safer and valued as a person whilst being treated by people that don't even know me.

    It's amazing the vast majority do to help people and I'm very grateful for that support.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    26 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    One thing I will say is even if you know you aren't coping, which I barely am, is that professionals in the industry DO know.

    I used to think nah I know best but really that was naive and frankly, stupid.

    Parents and family are not trained in this area and it's become very stark to me on how fantastic someone who doesn't know me can be so generous in their support (yes it's their job but it's not the point) yet those close to you can be so abusive and nasty.

    I guess I'll never understand it but maybe that's just what it is and I need to find a way through this. (yes I'm an alcoholic with depression - I don't pretend I'm not)

  5. Petal22
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    26 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    We would never think you are being rude, we are happy to support you.

    I’m glad the psych ward has treated you well.

    Im sorry that your parents don’t understand some don’t understand, I think people who have never been through mental health don’t understand the true suffering off the one going through it, we can only hope that they support us with no judgment.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    26 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal.

    "True suffering" is good words.

    I honestly feel others don't understand unless felt it (or close to it)

    My feelings are completely overwhelming. Yes, completely or I'd do something silly.

    Thank you to everyone once again as this support is very much appreciated.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  7. therising
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    27 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    I'm so glad you've got people who recognise your true value and your struggle. Whether they be professional or coming from a place of personal experience, I believe it's important to have a variety of people who can relate in different ways.

    For some people, I think it's a matter of them not believing depression's 'real' until they've felt it and heard it for themself. It's definitely something you feel, especially when you're in the depths of it. Nothing compares to the feeling of complete and utter despair. With it being something that you hear, that internal dialogue can be so brutal. In looking back at the years I'd spent in depression, if I had to think up a comparison to what it was like - to some degree I'd say it's like you have some horrible little creature perched upon your shoulder, regularly whispering cruel and horrible things into your ear. At the same time, it secures in place around your neck a long dark cloak and pinned to this cloak are little labels that come to be attached over time. The labels are terrible. They read stuff like hopeless, pathetic, loser, will never amount to anything and more, so much more. And it's like you wear this cloak, every day, believing in all the labels, believing that's who you are. Then there are the times where you make a misstep or a mistake and that little creature called depression says 'I told you you're stupid. See, here's proof!' and another label gets added to what you wear. The cloak of depression can become so heavy Chris. What I wish to add is...when that creature called depression disintegrates, in one way or another, and that clock finally falls to the ground, you won't know yourself. The challenge to discover who you truly are begins. It's my wish that this time for you is just around the corner.

    I believe we're lucky to live in a time where depression can be proven as being real. While people can be told to 'Suck it up and just get on with life', it's hard to do this when our chemistry doesn't let us. The chemical imbalance is real, it's proven. While people can tell us to stop feeling sorry for our self, brain scans these days can reveal a brain in a state of grief. This is proof we are feeling legitimate sorrow for our self. The sorrow can be incredibly overwhelming at times.

    The endurance and work it takes to make our way through depression is something to be praised.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    27 October 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you therising.

    You indeed know exactly what I feel. The cloak and whisperer is me....

    All posts taken on board and if it's ok can I share something?

    I live with parents in a very beautiful home, no rent, I'm extremely lucky.

    Financialy I'm very lucky (I'mnot wealthy but relatively). But frankly when the thoughts come it's entirely irrelevant.

    Yet when last in hospital having nurses talk to me and genuinely help me (I hate having IV drips but you know what, strangely it felt good as I felt a person enough to deserve it taking that for me)

    Yes I completely understand your cloak analogy. Mine is pretty heavy but I'll get through this.

    I invited mum to my alcohol/depression session which I encouraged so hopefully mum can understand more about my illness.

    It's been a really good day.

    I wish everyone else good days also.

    Chris

  9. Petal22
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    27 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris Tas,

    Yes I understand, unless someone has been through it I don’t think they understand completely how much suffering we feel inside our selves it really is very overwhelming…..

    I had a lot of dark intrusive thoughts while I was in the height of my anxiety they really scared me.

    Im so grateful to be on the other side of it now and I know you will get through what you are going through aswell Chris.

    I think that you are a very kind and understanding person Chris just by you asking your mum to go to your session really shows how understanding you are to try to help your mum understand aswell. .. your mum may learn something while attending the meeting.

    I hope it all goes well for you Chris.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. therising
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    28 October 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    You're such a thoughtful gentle soul in the way you write and you're obviously a grateful person. I think sometimes people believe those with depression to be ungrateful bit it's not always the case. In my opinion, you can feel gratitude for much of what you have in life while still feeling a deep longing, something missing. Whether what's missing is the right chemistry, a piece of the puzzle in our life or the obvious way forward, it can be hard to feel anything beyond a basic sense of gratitude. Once the right chemistry is at work, what's missing is in place or our direction is clear and inspiring, it's often then that gratitude can be felt as a more intense feeling. It no longer feels basic.

    I'm hoping your mum decides to join you in gaining a greater understanding of how challenging your path is. I hope she chooses to walk beside you on this path in a more constructive way. While it is said that ignorance is bliss, your mum ignoring the opportunities for an education on alcohol and depression would be making this experience for her far from blissful. I imagine these opportunities would offer her some sense of peace and reassurance, even if it's small to begin with.

    I can relate to the IV thing. From my experience, it's been more so related to what's led me to hospital for surgeries and stuff. When they put it in (some are better than others at inserting that needle) it kind of changes your mindset, in that moment. It's confirmation of 'This is serious. Others finally recognise how serious this is, otherwise they wouldn't be putting the IV in. My challenges or problems matter to others, enough for them to want to treat me and give me the attention I truly desperately need. This is a part of my recovery. This is progress' and so on. An IV needle/drip can hold great meaning.

    I'm glad you can feel some progress Chris. As you'd know, progress doesn't always come in the form of every day feeling good, it has its ups and downs. In imagining depression as a well or vertical tunnel, where the deeper you go the darker it gets, there will be times where you can feel the climb, you can sense your progress, and then there will be times where you experience what feels like a slip back down a little, like you've lost your grip or your footing. Through exhaustion, it can be tempting to give up. I found it wasn't until making it out alive that I fully realised how much work it actually takes to get out of there. Take pride in how hard you're working Chris :)

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    4 November 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi all.

    As always thank you so much for the support, thoughts and advice.

    Unfortunately I had an issue so I've been the Psych ward getting support to move forward.

    That would not have happened without the support from my phone call to BeyondBlue (which resulted in immediate care for my safety).

    I cannot thank BeyondBlue and the operator i spoke to enough, and as per my previous crisis I encourage everyone to be open with your thoughts.

    Only if you are honest can you get the help you might need and I continue to learn that.

    Thank you again to everyone who has responded within this thread.

    I'm safe and now been discharged with a full recovery program in place.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  12. therising
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    4 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    So glad to hear you're making progress, developing the practice of finding the right help each time specific challenges become too overwhelming. Reaching out for help can take a lot of practice before it becomes 2nd nature. It's something to be incredibly proud of, managing through skills you develop, including the skill of knowing when to reach out for some light (inspiration and support) when things become incredibly dark.

    Looking forward to hearing more about your recovery plan :)

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Petal22
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    4 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    Id like to congratulate you on seeking the help you need and opening up, I understand that this takes great courage.

    I know you are strong enough to get through this Chris .

    Im glad to hear you are safe and have a full recovery plan in place.

    Please keep in touch.

    We are happy to support you in your recovery.

    I know you are going to recover and come out the other side a new stronger version of your self.

    Be proud of how far you have come 😊

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    8 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Thank you to all the support.

    I don't even get it from "friends" so it certainly is appreciated.

    They just don't get it - like living in a bubble and it's too much for them to understand.

    That's ok and I respect their decision.

    It does make you feel more isolated as you are encouraged to open up but then when you do you are treated like a loser etc which I don't believe I am.

    Hence the discussions and advice on here I find so valuable as I know people understand and ate empathetic not judgemental.

    Emergency services have treated me the same way.

    So just a check in and no need to reply.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi all.

    Again, just a check in.

    Well after a few days of hell (mentally) I managed to get on top of things - well, to a degree.

    As alcohol withdrawals are pretty intense i was proud of stopping and then hear today that "rather I be dead than sleep in you lazy pig".

    It just hurts so much when I thought I was getting support yet in reality my parents clearly just don't get it.

    I immediately rang my Counsellor and he said basically to stop expecting my parents to understand as they never will.

    He advised me to move out immediately.

    So yeah, no I'm not suicidal at the moment but the constant negativity around me from "loved ones" is baffling and frankly, extremely hurtful and disappointing.

    Hope everyone are doing ok in their own circumstances.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Petal22
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    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    Well-done for going through your alcohol withdrawals.

    Im so sorry your parents still speak to you the way they do and yes they really don’t understand………….

    It would be nice if they opened their mind a bit and tried to but Chris they are on their own life journey and they are just on a different level in their learning.

    I think it would be great for you to be around more understanding caring people Chris to help you in your recovery.

    Chris even though they say this to you try to remember it’s a reflection of them selves and not you……

    Please build your own mindset with positive thoughts about yourself.. you really are a resilient person Chris and you are going to make it through this. I know you are strong.

    Once you are on the other side of this I believe you will help others with their mental health journeys.

    Do you think you will move out?

    Stay strong

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Sophie_M
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    6157 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hi Chris,

    Well done for ringing your counsellor. That must have been so hard to hear, but we're really glad that you took such a good step so quickly. 

    Please know that our counsellors are here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on webchat, so if at any point you need to speak to someone and you're not able to reach your counsellor, we're here. There's also our friends at Counselling Online, who have some really good resources on Making a Change, here.

    Other community members have previously mentioned Daybreak, the app, to be a useful resource. You can find out more about this here.

    I'm sure we'll hear from other community members soon. Thanks again for sharing here, Chris. It shows such strength and kindness and we hope you are able to see that and feel proud.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  18. Centaured
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    266 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hey Chris

    Nice to meet you. I get suicidal a lot and your thread had been uplifting. I'm glad your still here and even though you don't support from your family it seems like you have found support else where and found places willing to help and care.

    I'm sorry about the withdrawals I hear they can really suck, but it's a positive step forward, sober can be hard but it is standing up and facing your life instead of running from it. I believe you are a brave person.

    And in regards to moving out I think it's a pretty good idea. It sounds like you're parents are making things hard and don't even want to understand and their unapproval makes you feel like shit. Sometimes we have to accept reality as hard as it is and make the changes in our life to make reality work better for us. If something isn't working we adjust it. I'm sorry your parents don't work for you, but it is what it is and this is your life not theirs, You have nothing to prove to them, and you have to do what is right for at the end of the day.

    I'm sorry for that rant. Lol. Just wanted to add I'm proud of you and I thank you for continuing to push through. We are here when you need us. Cheers.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal.

    (thank you mod Sophie)

    Yeah i might live on the streets for a while.

    I can't go any lower as ridiculed by my own family.

    They say things like "cheer up", "you'll be fine", "toughen up" etc

    It's infuriating and I'm not an angry type but those comments hurt me

  20. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Will get back to all posts ASAP.

    Just told I'm an "attention seeker" just for saying "I'm suicidal?

    Seriously it's absurd here

  21. Petal22
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    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    I understand Chris how their comments make you angry, they don’t understand.

    We can’t control what other people say to us but what we can control is how “ we react to it”.

    Sometimes when people say or do things that upset me, I just tell myself… we are just on different levels….. it puts things into perspective for me.

    I believe we all have different life journey s no one has the same …… things that I am challenged with others won’t experience.

    We all gain growth through our challenges, you may not see it yet Chris but you are gaining growth from your challenges.

    One day you will be able to reflect on everything you have been through and you will understand how far you have come……. You will begin to see a clear path…… your life purpose.

    Sometimes the problems are the gifts 🦋🙏

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Sophie_M
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    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hey Chris_Tas,
    Thanks for reaching out tonight,

    We're so sorry to hear you've been told you're an attention seeker, that's a very hurtful comment to receive. Please know your feelings are valid and you're not choosing to be unhappy. 

    We're concerned to hear you're feeling suicidal. We'd recommend getting in touch with a support service if this is something you find beneficial. The Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. You can also get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please let us know how we can best support you here tonight. 
    1 person found this helpful
  23. Petal22
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    17 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Chris,

    Sophie has given you some great contacts please use them if you feel you need to.

    Chris I’m sorry for what they said to you, they don’t understand…..

    Remember that’s their perspective and where they are in life it’s not yours.

    You know better Chris.

    Keep moving forward Chris

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Centaured
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    266 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Hope you're ok mate.
    1 person found this helpful
  25. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Centaured

    Hi all.

    I'm not going into emergency again and Police and Paramedics etc.

    I've wasted their time more than enough.

    Been amazing support.

    Thank you all.

    Chris

  26. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Centaured
    Nah mate I'm not
  27. Sophie_M
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    6157 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hey Chris Tas

    Thanks for reaching out tonight.

    It sounds like you may be feeling like you are at witts end which must be a horrible feeling. We're concerned that may be thoughts of suicide have returned and we are sending a private message to check in with you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
     
    If thoughts of self harm or suicide have in fact returned to you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.
     
    2 people found this helpful
  28. Petal22
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    18 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    I hope you are ok.

    Chris you aren’t wasting anyone’s time, your important.

    Please seek help as many times as you need it.

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Chris_Tas
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    143 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Thank you all.

    Yes I'm ok and slept in the car.

    Unfortunately it has a motion sensor so alarm kept going off now it won't start......

    Ah well it could be much worse as I'm so over being put down (Dad told tonight he's finished with me as a son)

    So thank you again and I'll keep you informed and get back to msgs asap.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  30. therising
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    19 November 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Your parents sound seriously mind altering, especially your dad. I hope your dad doesn't alter your mind out of recognising all the hard work you've done to get to this point. I know it's easier said than done but try not to let him lead you to doubt your self, a self who has been working full time to stay alive.

    Unless someone's experienced the depths of depression, they can't fully relate to how working to stay alive can feel like a full time job. While you can be going out to do paid work, while you can be working on the basic functions in life (showering, eating etc), you can be doing it all while working full time on managing your mental health. It can be exhausting. Add to that, exhausting people who prefer to suck the life/energy out of you rather than breathe life/energy into you.

    It sounds like your dad has finally forced disappointment. I think we can appoint our parents a lot of roles in life and they can gradually dis-appointment themselves from some of those roles. When a parent says, in so many words, 'I dis-appoint myself from every role or expectation you have of me or have ever had of me', this can generate a lot of grief. I'm glad, in the lead up to this, you've managed to establish supportive connections with people who'll make a difference to how you go on to raise yourself beyond where you are right now. I've found there's nothing quite like having 'go to' people who hold a clear vision (of the future) for us when we don't feel like we have that clear vision for our self at times.

    You could say that any alarm can be a wake up call, whether it's a phone or clock radio alarm or a car alarm. Do you feel the car alarm has woken you up to something? Has it woken you up to a constructive perspective, even if that perspective feels deeply challenging right now? Has it woken you up to a new start, in deeply challenging times? Has it woken you up to how well you've done in managing to get through the darkest parts of depression under the most challenging of circumstances? You're doing a truly incredible job under the circumstances.

    Do you feel it's time to speak to your counselors/mental health support team about this new development, including the need to find accommodation? I imagine they'd offer you the best support and some ideas to consider (including further contacts), regarding the way forward from here. At a new stage of our life, often it's new ideas which are most needed.

    1 person found this helpful

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