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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. JKingLiz001
    JKingLiz001 avatar
    9 posts
    28 September 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    Hi everyone. So, I am not exactly sure how to go about all this because it's my first time on one of these. Judging from the posts on this that I have been reading on here I may be one of the youngest people on here at the age of 16. I guess to talk about my reasons to live I have to give some background/context. Well I guess everything started back in 2015. I was not exactly accepted by a lot of people and I hated that. I had succumb to new emotions and feelings I didn't truly understand. When I told my closest friend, he told my school and they immediately told my parents. They came from a culture and time in which people didn't freely speak about or understand things like depression and were into the stereotypical ideas of a male. One that doesn't reveal his sadness. They didn't understand so I played it off with a lie "My mate doesn't know what he is talking about, I never said that". I spent the next 4 months in complete social isolation with people outside my family. I struggled to be with people for a little while afterwards. Then in 2016, I fell in love with this girl. She was lovely, caring etc. She passed away in July of that year an it killed me inside. I did some things I really regret. I lost almost everyone I cared about that year because they all left me. I had then again socially isolated myself for a couple of months. Later I found it hard to connect with people. I guess I was just afraid of what would happen. I guess I was paranoid. It wasn't until this year around February that I truly let people into my lives and not many people realised that. Apparently I was in my "own little hole that I wouldn't crawl out of". I couldn't handle the stresses of school and my mind basically shut down. A depression that I feel never left me rose again to the surface stronger than ever. I later began to self harm. For a while I even became dependant on it to get through a school day. About 13 days ago I attempted to take my own life. I was unsuccessful as during the incident I realised that i didn't want others to go through the same pain I went through, the same pain i go through now. All my friends worried about me, tried to get help for me behind my back. I didn't want to see them in pain. So i lied to some of them, especially the girl I like. Hid My pain from them. I just didn't want them to worry or have my situation on their mind. Now some of them are mad, some have left me and others are done being around because of how hurt or annoyed they have gotten. I really do regret most of my teenage life. But through the help of friends and psychologist I have realised that I want to live to help others, for my friends, family, dog and to help animals across the globe. To make a change. Sorry for ranting y'all. I hope you all have a lovely day. I want everyone to know that there will always be someone out there to help them no matter what. That live may be hard at times but it can be better with the right support.
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6604 posts
    28 September 2019 in reply to JKingLiz001
    Hey JkingLiz001,
    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we are so glad you have reached for support. We are sorry to hear about your experiences with depression, we can see that it has been really difficult for you. We are also sorry to hear about the loss of someone close to you in 2016, if you feel like sharing more about her, please feel free to do so.

    We understand how difficult it can be to open up to others and are glad you have been able to share some of your experiences here on the forum. We hope sharing your thoughts and feelings has provided some relief for you. As well as seeking help from the forum, we’d encourage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline, 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat. Our Support Service is also available 24/7 at 1300 22 4636 where our friendly counselors can offer support, advice and referrals.

    Thank you for sharing your positive message, we are so glad your psychologist and friends have been able to support you through this difficult stage in your life. We’d ask if you can check back in whenever you feel comfortable. We look forward to hearing from you.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    29 September 2019
    Why am i still here?

    ONLY FOR MY CATS. Nothing else matters. I should be grateful for being able to live in own home, have one friend and ex husband but days like today when my mood changes I get angry and lash out or get teary.

    I do volunteering and doing my prac at a adult day care centre for people with various disabilities so should be ashamed.

    Sick of days when i get like this. Seems i am not trying.
     
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6604 posts
    29 September 2019 in reply to Guest_8790
    Hi Rusty girl, we are glad to see you're continuing to reach out for support. Its sounds like things are really difficult for you at the moment and we're sorry to hear that you're experiencing a lot of painful emotions. We want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you. There is always help available, we would strongly recommend speaking with our friends at Lifeline https://www.lifeline.org.au/ - 13 11 14. Check back in and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.
  5. eight
    eight avatar
    374 posts
    29 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    croix,

    lmao i have no idea where you got afab from? that means assigned female at birth. for my icon i’m just cycling in and out art of One Single Character from one of my fav video games because he’s a conceited mentally ill gay-coded antagonist/death god and it’s a very same hat situation, if you excuse the part about being a death god.

    i see you trying to turntables something i said back to me and i wish it could work but it rings emptily on me and nothing ever sticks for me. despite all my analysis and empathy i seem to give off for everybody else’s problems i don’t even have a fraction for myself because every mind-numbing issue is another lost cause i can’t overcome. like some hydra where i keep getting more and more problems and i used to have so much more life in me lol. hate how this gives me something like a voice or a personality when i’m just a horrifically sad, spaced out, and single minded husk in real life

  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10924 posts
    29 September 2019 in reply to eight

    Dear Eight~

    Lmao, well at least I've got you laughing -sort of. There's no mystery, I've simply read what you have written , and that includes afab ( which I thought might be a description someone gives when it does not quite seem to fit them). I must admit before I started reading I did look up the avatar and that gave me a place to start from someone's blog.

    No I did not expect you to be a death-god, well that's not quite right, but will not explain now, would you believe I try to proceed captiously? I did expect you were having great difficulties, I'd sooner you daydreamed about how good things can be.

    I did not think handing your words back would be an instant fix, I'd hoped it has done two things, firstly that even if you are "not applicable" you could say things that had insight, and also that someone here thought enough about you to dig back and see how you had fared in the past. You must be worth something.

    For a husk you have an awful lot inside. I guess I relate to you because I could see others but had no power over myself. It was like I was outside my sphere of influence. Plus like you things piled up, more and more to turn to ashes.

    You may not like all your words but I read you saying " i used to have so much more life in me". I thought I was just a waste of space, just making things worse. I but could have said that, I had been better before.

    I found my illnesses (PTSD, depression, anxiety) had masked most of me out of reach and out of my consciousness. I thought they no longer existed. It also stopped me thinking clearly.

    They have come back, and more. It has taken time, meds, therapy, but I'm glad and I cope now when things pile up.

    OK, that's the serious stuff written down, dunno if it make sense, or even if you want to read it.

    On another tack, if you had a second choice as a fav character, could you say who that would be?

    You can see I've already chosen mine, and it was not a random thing.

    Croix

  7. eight
    eight avatar
    374 posts
    29 September 2019 in reply to Croix

    other people are so much easier to help and control. sometimes i feel a stranger to my own mind because everything i do feels so powerless to stop whatever it's on and there's a black hole in my head that's sucking all of my self in because i consistently feel duller and emptier than the last

    being a waste of space is a forever mood. i keep drawing into myself more and more because anything else is so hostile and painful. i'm too jaded and miserable and it comes off me in waves, like i'm not worth anything now.

    you know how in j.m. barrie's peter pan books he talked about how mothers supposedly can open their kids' heads every night and clean through their thoughts, like the way you go through an old junk drawer? you'd crack mine open and its just this one big unified thought of "i don't want to exist anymore".

    i can't remember anything that would've caused me to suddenly nosedive this hard. i couldn't face myself a year ago and say, heeeeey there 201eight its me from '19 and i get straight c's most of the time and also think about dying all the time and here's a neat timeline on what caused this and how i'm you now. there must've been some catalyst possibly? my memory has really gone there's just a vague recollection of when i enjoyed life and now and then waking up the next day was the worst punishment imaginable

  8. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to Sophie_M
    What's keeping me here

    I feel a struggle in changing my moods. For past week have been functioning ok but when i find loud noise or people or cars getting too close i get angry and yell out. After this i get upset and wish i wasnt here with mood swings.. i am ok for a while then yell out. I hate this. I cant seem to change.. i have lost tolerance sometimes then other times am ok. I am living with depression panic attacks and a form of agoraphibia. Still seeing psych who a change in.me then a few days later i even start getting angry at friend for no reason.

    What can i do??


    Rusty
    Never accepted myself
  9. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10924 posts
    30 September 2019 in reply to eight

    Dear Eight~

    I see you as independent, not being with others and relying on them. I'm no shrink so can only guess, you don't fit -or so it seems, not in your body, wants or other's reactions.

    So you have been dealing with kids, and sometimes that relationship is a toxic sort of life. It makes you draw in, feel the hostility about to jump at you. Cruelty of others effects the psyche, and cruelty can be rocks, words, simple not-understanding & exclusion, but in all instances lack of kindness.

    So you end up self-reliant. May I suggest ATM that is too much? Why did the mother clean out the thoughts? Maybe at that stage in their lives the children could not do it for themselves?

    A whirlpool or cyclone sucks in things as it goes, and all the happiness is getting sucked in and buried by your thoughts, leaving isolation, lack of self regard, pointlessness. You feel a powerless stranger in your own mind. I saw it with different words, there was me on one side of a sheet of darkened glass, watching me and the world on the other side, unable to touch, feel, do.

    I could not fix myself.

    So how are you supposed to know how to act-more fem, more masc, be taunted, cover up to resist the impulse to alter? Decide on a pronoun?

    I do not know the answers, I do know you can afford to wait. It is not so urgent you have to solve it all right now.

    So how to stop the punishment you are having when you wake? Are you just going to rely upon you? Even though you are pretty formidable, with insight and knowledge -how many quote J M Barrie - maybe you need to turn that intellect to finding the right ones to help you.

    Sometimes you simply can't reach by yourself.

    So there I go with my theories. May be wildly off-target, can you help me out?

    Croix

    .

  10. eight
    eight avatar
    374 posts
    2 October 2019 in reply to Croix

    it’s how he introduces peter in chapter one with the framing it with the cleaning minds thing. its portrayed like some daily household chore, not anything too significant. and no i don’t feel intelligent i probably sound pretentious more than anything and i hate sounding like that lol. anyway by the virtue of goodreads i hunted down the full quote

    “It is the custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day. If you could keep awake (but of course you can’t) you would see your own mother doing this, and you would find it very interesting to watch her. It is quite like tidying up drawers. You would see her on her knees, I expect, lingering humorously over some of your contents, wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up, making discoveries sweet and not so sweet, pressing this to her cheek as if it were as nice as a kitten, and hurriedly stowing that out of sight. When you wake in the morning, the naughtinesses and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind; and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.”

    i always liked that comparison to cleaning drawers. stuck on me

    i don’t know i kept crying out for help and i get laughed at because i’m exaggerating and i’m not depressed or through all the irl counsellors i’ve seen they all felt like a waste of time. i want to grab someone by the collar and tell them gritted teeth, listen, you’re not understanding what’s wrong with me, but whenever i speak it’s never ordered. like words falling from my mouth and they’re disjointed and never in the right order and as they melt away they just don’t feel like i said that, like they’re mine.

    whatever. people are too out of my league for me and talking is becoming far too exhausting for me. is it possible to lose a conversation? not a debate just, like, a friendly conversation? i feel like i’m doing that every time i talk to someone. now i'm some weird addled shut-in who hardly has a life outside of burying themself in school. other than that i just waste all my time in video games or messing around online because even though they barely make me happy like they used to i can just. zone out and suddenly its 10pm and i’m too tired to do anything else than collapse in bed. fills that emptiness in me.

  11. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    3 October 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Sometimes it is hard to accept ourselves as we are when we don't want to be feeling depressed, anxious or stressed. I try to tell myself these are conditions I have, but deep down inside, I am still me.

    Lately I have been listening tot he stories of others and how I interpret them as put downs. I can be stronger than their words and actions.

    If there was one thing you could say to yourself today to help you feel like you matter what would it be?

    Have you tried writing in a journal how you are feeling? I have been doing more of that recently and it takes a lot of the negatives out of my head. I also try to write down the positives.

    The other day I was so overwhelmed I ran out of Church almost knocking people down in my rush to get out of there. Part of me is telling myself I can't go back there again as people will look at me like I am that crazy lady.

    I will go back. I might feel uncomfortable. Some people may ignore me. That is okay. Deep inside I am still me.

    I'm trying to accept when my days go crazy and work on making the rest of the time the best it can be.

    Hope you can find ways to move forward and accept when life goes a bit nuts for you.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    433 posts
    4 October 2019

    I remember writing here a few months ago that one of the things that keeps me going is the phrase “the future is unwritten”.

    Well it doesn’t really work anymore.

    I don’t know if I should be saying this here, or on my own forum, but I’ve been having a lot of problems with intimacy. I feel like it’s just confirmation that my future is definitely written in stone.

    Im feeling very very bad right now.

  13. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    5 October 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    Why am I still here?

    Thanks dools for your words of wisdom. I have been writing in a journal for over a year on and off. I have even shown it to my psych which she was impressed with. Most are negative but there are small positive ones. I was advised to re read them but have not done so. However i just wish i would think before i act. My late mother always said i am hasty and guess i still haven't learn. I know deep down am very sensitive, cry easily and love my cats but it is my negative angry side i find hard to change. At 65 I think time running out as i do not want to be alive in 10 years, maybe through natural causes.
    Just have to make the best job of living for now. Sick of living on meds.

    Rusty
  14. DfBee
    DfBee avatar
    2 posts
    31 October 2019

    I actually don't know why I'm still here.

    I'm just new to this type of forum, but after just 2 hrs sleep and can't go back to sleep I asked google what to do, stupid I know, but I came across this forum and thought maybe this could be a good place to start trying to understand or get my head into a better space.

    I feel so isolated and lonely. I have given and still do so much to help others, but then when you finally make yourself vaulnerable and say you need some help, it's like everyone just disappears and I feel like I should never have said anything.

    I'm just struggling with the negative thoughts and can't get them out of my head; what do other people do to get out of that place?

  15. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    1 November 2019
    The other day I wrote how to appreciate others while you can, however since I found out on monday a person I knew gave up on life, i wonder why i am still here, I am second guessing myself. I do one day a week volunteering and doing prac experience in disability day centre which i enjoy, but my negative side thinks differently when alone. I don't mean to sound self pitying as have things to do but they won't last long. Maybe just tired and not thinking clearly. I do try to see positives but guess its just been a lousy week.
  16. John Doe 2
    John Doe 2 avatar
    1 posts
    2 November 2019

    I chose to stay because it's less painful then ending it.

    I thought the pain would stop but it doesn't all i have are negative thoughts most of the day . i went to a phycologist or psychiatrist whatever they're called and it helped for a bit but now i have less social contact feel lonely all the time and i don't know if i will ever truly be happy again

  17. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to John Doe 2

    Dear DfBee, Rusty girl and John Doe 2,

    Dear precious people, I can feel the pain in what you have all written and my thoughts are with you. It was not that long ago that I was really struggling every day to make any sense of my life and to find reasons to still be here.

    Just making it through to another day seemed all I could do and I wondered what on earth was the point.

    Depression, suicidal thoughts and other mental health issues make it hard for us to see beyond the pain, confusion and hurt we are feeling.

    I would like to tell you, there is hope! It can be darn hard to find, but it is there! I had to push myself to get up each day and do things. I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day.

    Last week a lady suggested that I concentrate on how I can "Thrive in Life". I Googled THRIVE and came up with some interesting bits of information. Unfortunately I didn't write down the source, but one lady has written up 20 ways to Thrive.

    It may be encouraging to have a look and consider just one thing you can do today to try and make a positive difference in your life. It is helping me. I'm working on my gratitude or thankfulness diary.

    I haven't addressed your issues singularly. Your combined pain and hurt touched me, I wanted to offer you all some hope.

    Kind regards from Dools

    3 people found this helpful
  18. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    2 November 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    Whats keeping me here?

    Thank you Dools for your kind words and suggestions re how to thrive. I will try that out. Though am ok after person I knew gave up on life and I tried the same in June, I am still here and guess my meds are working, i wonder what i will do when work experience is over? I felt envy at first person succeeded where i failed, i guess i am strong enough to keep going for now. Maybe its just self pity and not depression. My psychologist says i do along with pts which i never thought i had. Sorry for rambling on but don't

    have anyone to talk to as am isolated except when i have to go out.

    Rusty
  19. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    3 November 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Can you start to make plans now for what you might do when the work experience ends? For me, when I am feeling down and depressed having nothing planned is what does me in further. Even reading a book for me is helpful when I am like that.

    Not having anyone to talk with can be hard too. I have a husband here but quite often he walks away when I try to talk to him so I don't bother much trying to tell him anything. It hurts at times.

    I don't know your situation, is it possible for you to join some groups, clubs or do some volunteer work? I've met some lovely people through volunteering. We might not be friends, but they are people I can chat with about issues.

    Don't think of your communication here as rambling, but connecting and sharing. I have used the forum a lot lately in my struggles and people have helped me through a rotten time.

    All the best to you Rusty, from Dools

  20. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    3 November 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    In reply to Dools

    I have about 10 days left of prac. I then have to go back to my job provider and look for 10 jobs a month. I am not positive about this but I will do my best I guess. Ideally getting part time work and volunteering is what I think help. I already do one day volunteering one to two hours on a Tuesday, so guess could do more. I may ask the agency at adult disability centre if i could come back on a casual basis. I have enjoyed my prac experience in a field I have never worked in. I just I can pass my course at moment. Oh well just take one day at a time.

    Rusty
  21. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    4 November 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Enquiring if you can stay on at the disability centre sounds like a positive move. You will be familiar with the place and will grow your contacts and experience working in that sector.

    Wishing you all the best with the job agency. I have been extremely fortunate to be able to transfer to a different agency where the staff are very helpful, respectful and have good advice.

    I used to go for a walk after I had been to the previous job agency just to unwind.

    Cheers from Dools

  22. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    4 November 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    Hello Dools

    I will ask manager of centre if I can stay on as a casual volunteer. I have learnt a lot about how they operate and how each member deals with living with a disability
    I am speaking on a fortnightly to a manager who managers all branches of job provider and will come with me at end of month to arrange a meeting with a new consultant. I can only hope this helps.
    Just trying to stay positive each day I guess.

    Thanks again for advice. I am trying to write three positive things in my journal at moment.

    Rusty
    1 person found this helpful
  23. DfBee
    DfBee avatar
    2 posts
    5 November 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    Thanks Doolhof, I looked it up and there is some good stuff there and will endevour to put some things into practise.
    1 person found this helpful
  24. gawjus_soul
    gawjus_soul avatar
    1 posts
    3 December 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    What's keeping me here...

    Nothing actually. My kids are growing up, my partner gives off the impression I am not in his future, I am struggling to lose weight, I get rejected from every job I apply for, I am broke, I have no friends, my family basically have nothing to do with me. Day after day I feel like i have no purpose. No value. No reason for waking up each day. I have self harmed for 15 years. I made a promise a year ago to stop. Now it is all I think about.

    I have been to the doctors, I tried to seek help. They chuck a prescription at me and tell me until I solve the issue behind my depression, I will not get better.... I asked for a referral to see a counsellor. I am told it is expensive and would be better talking to my family and doing positive things each day. I show up to the doctors in tears telling them I do not want to be alive any more and again, I get another prescription.

    I look at where I have come from, to where I sit here at midnight complaining about my life and don't see anything that makes me want to exist any more. :(

  25. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    3 December 2019 in reply to gawjus_soul

    Hi gawju_soul,

    My heart goes out to you. Earlier this year I had very similar feelings to you and felt like there was no point in going on.

    My turn around happened by spending time in hospital, feeling like I had hit rock bottom, finding support in a few friends and a family member and realising I had to do a lot of work to help myself.

    At the time I had no idea how that might happen. I had pretty much given up.

    Finding a sense of meaning and purpose can be so beneficial. Even if it is just getting up each day and going through the motions. It is a start.

    Someone told me about PERMA recently. YO could Google that and see if any of the information resonates with you.

    Maybe for now, you could make a list of what yo would like to achieve each day, simple, easy to do things to start with.

    Consider activities or places to go you might like to incorporate into each day or week. Things you find pleasure in.

    For me, all I was capable of doing for a while was watching T.V. reading, colouring and watching funny clips of animals on YouTube. Not being consumed all the time by my depression helped slowly.

    Accepting my depression and not fighting it all the time helped as well. I don't need to like it! I can accept some days it is really horrid and I might not be able to achieve much on those days.

    Doctors, medication and counsellors can help. Have you tried talking to a support worker at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636? Have you asked your Dr about a mental health care plan that allows you reduced and in some cases free appointments with a psychologist?

    I've written a lot here! Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Please know there is hope! Today can you find one thing to do that brings you some happiness or pleasure?

    Kind regards to you from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  26. wallflower_70
    wallflower_70 avatar
    83 posts
    4 December 2019

     

    Im new to the forum and am reading voraciously. It feels good (and is sad at the same time) to see that I am not the only one. Just found this thread and it's incredible seeing people being this open and supportive.

    In order to make sure I dont let get myself into a reduced state of awareness (that may trigger something rash), I have gone completely teetotal. It's been quite the ride...

    I have an older brother, who has had his own mental health challenges and the experiences from that makes that I keep my dark thoughts to myself (had done at least until recently when I felt I needed to see my GP).

    I look at the 'exit door' longingly - but know there is no point right now, because it cant be opened.

    I wear a bracelet that says keep going and thats a good reminder of what to do for the time being...

    GP put me on meds a month ago and I now definitely have more good days. Even they are chemically enhanced ones, I am thankful for the seismic shift in my overall being.

    Seeing a professional for the first time this Friday. Am freaking out. But the rational side of me thinks it's a good and necessary step to try.

     

     

  27. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    4 December 2019 in reply to wallflower_70

    Hi wallflower_70,

    Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. There certainly is a lot of information and a variety of experiences and stories here.

    You mentioned you are seeing a professional for the first time Friday. I'd like to encourage you to be as opena nd honest as you feel comfortable being with this person.

    Some things that have helped me when seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist:

    I have written down notes of how I am feeling and what I want to share

    I have acknowledged a need to cry and have asked for the tissue box when I need them

    I realise the person I am talking to is human as well.

    Sometimes I use my phone before the appointment to help keep me calm

    I go for a short walk after an appointment or even go and have a coffee so I have some "chill out" time

    I might write down stuff before the next appointment that I want to discuss.

    Hopefully your appointment will go well.

    All the best from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  28. wallflower_70
    wallflower_70 avatar
    83 posts
    4 December 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you Doolhof,

    Weirdly in my head Im now calling you 'Maze' as that is how your nickname translates in my home language. My post was moderated for all the right reasons #newbie, so doesnt read particularly well now.

    Worried about seeing a psychologist and hope we gel. The rational version of me is hopeful it will help. And it will give what I put in. At the same time I know there is no guarantee about getting it right the first time. Will loop back after Ive had my meeting. Thank you for taking the time to react; grateful.

  29. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    5 December 2019 in reply to wallflower_70

    Hi wallflower_70,

    You are right, I did choose Doolhof for the meaning of "Maze or Puzzle" as when I joined here that is how I felt my life was. I won't mention the nationality here in case you don't want it disclosed. I have dear friends over seas who speak the language this word comes from.

    I've had some of my messages moderated as well. The staff who do this are trying their best to keep all users on the forum safe, we sometimes have very young members here as well.

    Your message still made sense. Thanks for sticking around and sharing more. I really do hope you find this forum helpful and supportive.

    We also never know how much assistance our own words and sharing provide for other people.

    Even if you don't gel on your first appointment, take time to reflect on what went well and what didn't. A bit like a first date, things don't always go well!

    Please know everyone here is welcome to start their won thread, join in with others and use the forum as frequently or infrequently as they need.

    Cheers to you from Doolhof. (Dools is the Aussie slang I guess but makes no sense if you know the origin of the word)

  30. wallflower_70
    wallflower_70 avatar
    83 posts
    5 December 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you again Doolhof - it's been quite the journey of discovery and still moving through the stages I think.

    From acknowledging I was possibly in a bit of trouble, to still trying to find acceptance of being 'one of the people affected by mental health'. And now trying work out what that means, for the now and the future, in combination with trying to unravel how I got here and to possibly 'undo' years maybe even decades of thinking and ingrained patterns.

    Obviously too early to tell, but just that little sliver of 'hope' of feeling 'normal', might completely change my outlook on life and with it create another reason to stick around long term. Mind blown.

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