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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. IchigoMaya
    IchigoMaya avatar
    2 posts
    6 June 2018

    The only things keeping me here is;
    1. My job - Currently the only one capable of doing this job where I live, and I don't want to burden the company until they find a suitable replacement.
    2. Fear - The fear of failing to end my life, and then having to explain to people why I attempted it when no one knows that I'm constantly battling against suicidal thoughts in the first place.
    3. Home Loan - My parents started a home loan for me to start my future, so I don't want them taking on the repayments for me.
    4. My Family - I know how much of a burden I'll be if I did end my life and I don't want them to have to shoulder the pain and the costs of my own selfishness.
    5. A Dog - The hopes that I'll one day be able to finally own a dog (There are no dogs where I live, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to convince my local government to allow me to bring in a dog).

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
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    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to IchigoMaya

    *TRIGGER WARNING*

    Hi IchigoMaya

    I haven't seen you around before and your post count is low, I'm guessing you're new? So, welcome!

    Your list is full of great reasons not to end your life. But i'm interested in your second one- fear.

    I tried to take my life earlier this year. I won't go into details about how and what and why, but when i woke up, i was still home alone (mum wasn't back from work yet, i'd just come home from school when i tried). Thinking back, I was so sure that this was the end, that my plan would work. Obviously it didn't. And I'm very lucky that I was alone, and that I didn't have to explain why.

    If i tried again (and believe me i want to, frequently) then this fear would rule over me. It is what has stopped me trying again.

    I'm here, as are others, if you want to talk to someone

    take care of yourself... if ever you feel like i do, think of those people and things and hopes and dreams on your list. Love may shut you down and make you feel like crap sometimes, but in the end, its what keeps you going.

    x chloe

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Zazu
    Zazu avatar
    27 posts
    8 June 2018

    My partner. My dogs.

    That tiny bit of hope that this isn't how it will always be.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    9 June 2018 in reply to Zazu

    Hello Everyone..

    Please don't loose hope that's in your heart,

    Find your hope then hold it don't ever let it depart,

    When everything just doesn't go right

    When your life's dark and there is no light,

    Remember to dig hope up from your heart,

    That's when hope will make all darkness depart,

    Every new day there a great new sunshine

    It's your brand new day, now your life will shine

    Hold

    On

    Please

    Every one..

    We all have, find it from inside your heart, grab hold of hope and never, ever let it go...

    Grandy🌹..xx


    5 people found this helpful
  5. TEWA
    TEWA avatar
    1 posts
    10 June 2018

    My cats; cliche but true. I adopted them and they’re both high anxiety due to their previous lives, so no one else would want them, and therefore I need to be here for them.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    10 June 2018

    My teenager - soon she'll be independent.

    Nothing else.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to TEWA

    Hey Tewa

    Sounds like your cats are very lucky to have your love and dedication.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7653 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    What is keeping me here....

    The thought of bringing sorrow and pain to my sister, if I chose to end my life. I could never do that.

    The thought of hurting my son.

    The thought that one day I might truly experience being alive in the fullest sense rather then the feeling of just existence. I have tasted that before, so I know it is possible.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to Stillme

    Dear Stillme

    Hello and welcome to beyondblue. I am presuming that two posts means you are a newbie. So sorry no has welcomed you earlier.

    Gosh, what a lot of points you have raised. I think the lack of support fuelled by a lack of knowledge is the single most important facet of any mental illness. It's hardly surprising that our thoughts turn to suicide because of the pain we go through. Having no one or very few people to support you makes it a difficult journey. Learning by doing it tough is most certainly not the best.

    So many people are restrained by thoughts of their family and how much they would suffer. Family and friends are going to pass away from 'natural causes' and we do grieve for them. Grieving for someone who has died by suicide is much harder. Sadly so often those left behind have no idea what prompted the suicide. And/or they feel guilty because they did not notice/paid no attention/assumed the person would get well on their own etc. So much suffering.

    I am glad you have sufficient strength to stay with us. I know from my own experience how hard it can be and how devastated I felt trying to take my life and realising how much I had hurt my family. I think that will stay with me all my life. I feel ashamed and yet we do not get the help or know where to get help when we are at such a low point.

    Thanks for your post.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to Guest_1055

    Yes, causing pain and sorrow to others would be a good reason to hang around......particularly if they are close family or friends.

    How long have you felt that just existing feeling. When was the time you felt engaged in life and what was good then?

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7653 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    Hello Daisy...

    I am wondering why you ask these questions. Perhaps you feel the same.? Anyway they are good questions. Questions that are making me think quite deeply.

    I think I have felt like I only exist most of my life. So not fully experiencing life. Almost like a dream state. In fact one of the first threads I started on here was titled something like “ when will I ever wake up”

    The times I have felt “ alive” or engaged in life, are like just a few moments on any random day. But not every single day.

    Mmm I am really thinking why this happens now.. I think there are a few things that help me feel alive. One would be I feel connected to another human. This mostly happens with my sister. I know that she loves me no matter what . Emotional connectness I guess. Another would be I eat healthy and exercise and get quality sleep. If I don’t then I feel foggy in the head and not really with it. Maybe vague. Eating anything with refined sugar especially causes me to feel vague.

    Being inside too much, away from fresh air, sunshine, creation like flowers, trees, running water.

    Thankyou so much for your questions Daisy as I have never really thought deeply about what makes me feel “ alive”.

    I think forgiving others including yourself helps too. Helps by removing bitterness and anger towards others and yourself. If I have these awful emotions in me, I tend to switch off somehow. Rejection by others is something that hurts. So I need to forgive, because otherwise I switch off myself from this feeling also. That is a painful feeling and I do not what to feel it. So I can feel when I sort of start becoming detached from myself. Thus feeling like only existing ( if I really was living that I would have to feel this emotion)

    I have no idea if what I am saying is clear... as my brain is muddled.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    11 June 2018 in reply to Guest_1055

    Thanks for replying Shelly anne

    i ask my questions because I try to make sense of what I'm experiencing. I too feel so disconnected from this world. It must be so good to have that close connection with your sister, and the ability to gain clarity from nature. Yes, you are right, forgiveness is important. I wish I could "switch off myself" from the guilt and anger I carry towards myself.

    Not sure what else to say. Hate feeling like a burden. But just looking for some commonalities, someone who climbed out of the guilt trap and chose to live, and returned to that place where you actually exist amongst others.

    Now I'm probably making no sense.

  13. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    15 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    Sorry for my last post. I've seemed to have stilted that conversation! Please ignore my post (pity it can't be removed) and carry on - it is a good topic.

    what's keeping you here?

  14. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    15 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    Hello Daisy,

    You have nothing to be sorry about, so please don't be feeling sorry...😢...like a lot of threads this one can sit idle for a few days then take off again..I hope you are feeling okay today..

    I hope your day is is a better day then yesterday..

    Kind thoughts and caring hugs🤗..🌹.

    grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    15 June 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Thank you Grandy

    It's ok. It just that I've realised that posting here is likely to cause more harm to others......and I've done well and truly enough of that. Not after sympathy either.

    It's all good. Have a greta day,

  16. Evoleht95
    Evoleht95 avatar
    8 posts
    15 June 2018
    My loved ones. I cant stand to think of causing them pain.. especially my younger sister, she has also suffered from depression and i need to protect her.
    2 people found this helpful
  17. Maya-D
    Maya-D avatar
    18 posts
    15 June 2018
    I typed a few times here and deleted it because I just dont know....
    I feel stuck, Im here because of my fiance and my parents whom I dont get to see much are the ones I hang around for. I still have hope but I feel broken and numb.
    Please come to my thread: I look back and all I see is broken pieces.
    All I need right now is trust, support and love <3 >
  18. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7653 posts
    15 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    Hello Daisy... no I don’t think you stilted it. Please don’t feel discouraged. Sometimes it takes me a while to comprehend what others say... my brain just gets muddled.

    For me that disconnected feeling is awful and it cause me to feel very alone. But I did not always feel connected to my sister. I think somehow I just learnt to let her in to my world little by little.

    Mmmm I am unsure why you feel guilt. I do hope I have picked up on your meaning. But I think when you can learn to forgive yourself for whatever, it helps a lot. You are sort of letting yourself of the hook and not beating yourself up by whatever it was that you may feel guilty about.

    Do you have your own thread Daisy? Maybe we can correspond in there? Just so you are aware though , I may not answer you straight away, as I may be struggling myself and are unable. And I try to limit myself on Beyond Blue because I can easily become addicted to it. But I come on here every few days for a little while.

    I have no idea if you will read this, but I am interested to know more about your feeling of not being connected.

    Shell

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    17 June 2018 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hey Shell

    disconnected - for me it's like I'm watching the world happen around me, but I'm not part of it. I'm an onlooker. I'm viewing the world as an outsider. And it's feels like what I'm viewing, that is, that all the people before my eyes are actually living fake, contrived, pretend lives, where happiness is really a made-up pretend occurrence. I feel as though it all a farce and I'd rather not play a part in it at all. I wake up, drink tea, watch the world go by, go to bed, try to sleep and the do it all again. And again...... and again...... no real purpose.

  20. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7653 posts
    17 June 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    Hey Daisy.... I am trying to imagine what it is like for you. And I get that you perhaps feel real alone as well. Oh I wish I could help you more. I use to feel like an island and that I could not connect with another person. And also that I was living behind this huge and thick wall. Like you an onlooker. Just sitting behind my see through wall, which I could see other people on the other side. Also I did not know how to love anybody else. It was like my heart just did not touch any body else’s.

    I have read other people words..: they say there life is a bit like a movie, so maybe that is similar to you. Like all other people in your life are just acting and it’s not real.

    This may sound weird and you may not read it much on here. But how is your physical health? I ask this because I use to eat tons of processed foods, sugar, take aways and other junk. But since these things are removed now, the way I see life is a little different. I do not feel so out of it, maybe more alive. I do not know the all the science behind this.... but I am beginning to wonder if the food we choose to eat affects our brains in some way. My head is so much more clearer. I wish I could describe it more to you.

    Shell

    1 person found this helpful
  21. DogRooster
    DogRooster avatar
    1 posts
    19 June 2018

    Hi all. Searching for a forum where I can just talk. Breaks my heart to read some of this and know I’m here too. I am cooked, broken and the black dog has hold of my heel. So tired of feeling humiliated. As someone said, my family, friends, children and grand children are compelling me to struggle on. Am hitting the bottle more than I should. Retired and have lots of fun times, but I just long for the joy I used to feel. I miss it, and admitting that just snowballs to even more negative thoughts. Funny that one finger typing this has helped.

    Empathy to you all. Rooster

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Low
    Low avatar
    1 posts
    21 June 2018

    Hello....unsure how much to say....never experienced joy....safety.....never felt love.....understand the words but not the feelings...tried to finish this a few timed before....have a lot of medical help now & meds.....bottom line is nothing has changed for me.....still wake up every day

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    22 June 2018 in reply to Low

    Hello DogRooster, Low and everyone else,

    Yo both sound so down and sad, I'm wondering if you wanted to start your own threads,you've landed on this thread about what's keeping you here which tells me you both require help and the wonderful people here would love to help you by sharing a little of their insight and offering you some suggestions...By making your own thread it will be able to find you easily and offer their support to you...

    If you go back to home page then click on all threads, then welcome and orientation. This is where you need to be..but it's also a great help to you if you read those help and guide sections they are the longer red buttons on the home page

    Kind thoughts.

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    23 June 2018 in reply to Low

    Hello Low and DogRooster and everyone else reading.

    Low... you are safe here. The forums are safe. There are moderators who weed out anything against the rules. We can report anything we need to. You're all welcome and appreciated here and cared about.

    It takes guts to write. DogRooster I smiled at your one fingered typing. Any typing is a blessing. Noone can help you if you won't ask for help. But it is so hard to do. So thank you.

    Grandy gave you the run down on how to create a thread just for you. You can write anywhere ok but having your safe spot on the forums is nice because you decide the topic. Will you think about it? I'd love to get to know you all better.

    What keeps me here? Hope.

    I haven't been well. Suicide has been tempting. I have a strong medical team. Support. Solid saftey plan. But like you mentioned Low I felt like I was here to just exist. I had decided suicide is not a valid option for me. So I exist.

    It sucked. But there's a point. Bear with me please?

    I kept seeing my psychiatrist. Telling him I still have the thoughts. I still feel rubbish. What else can I do?

    He re tested. Multiple diagnoses. New meds again. This is night one of new med. I'm not myself. But you know what?

    I haven't wanted to die today.

    Isn't that wonderful? Stuff what the world thinks. Anyone who has felt suicidal KNOWS that's a gift.

    I feel relaxed. No miracle world is all rainbows stuff. Just calm and stable and relieved and happy.

    So. That's me. What about you?

    Do you have hope? That this will eventually get better? it's hard to feel like that I know.

    Ask for help again and again and again Low.

    Yep it sucks. Docs play trial and error and it is crap because you're a person not a guinea pig. But the reality is anything in the brain is trial and error.

    A few weeks ago my friend went to the ER. Almost 2 weeks of trialling options. To the point results driven psychiatrists. Get her stable because she has three kids and is not safe. You know what? she came out with a med that helps. Never perfect. But HOPE.

    To anyone reading who wants a reason. Here is one... What if tomorrow is different? What if you knew next year you'd be happy again?

    Demand help.

    Why should you want to die?

    Why shouldn't you be able to have hope?

    Yesterday I wanted to die. Today I don't and I feel good for the first time in ages.

    End of rant. Welcome to all.new members bravely sharing how you feel. Keep writing please ❤

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Mickii
    Mickii avatar
    46 posts
    26 June 2018
    My best friend died from suicide. I miss him so much. I wish I could be with him, but I do not want my kids to ever have to feel the pain and sadness I feel whenever I think about him. Sometime though the pain of life is so bad I wonder if I am strong enough to stay living.
    1 person found this helpful
  26. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    27 June 2018 in reply to Mickii

    Hi Mickii and thank you for reaching out for support.

    I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now and missing your best friend. Have you got any support offline as well as here? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable showing your post to so that they know how badly you feel right now?

    Will you please think about phoning the Suicide Call Back Service 1300659467 as well as talking here? I have phoned them myself. They are trained counsellors and are extremely good at helping you if you don't feel safe.

    You mentioned your children too. The horrible thing about suicidal thoughts is we can get into this space where we start feeling like it wouldn't matter to anyone if we left. Even our kids. I've been there too. But it is utter BS. That's depression speaking Mickii.

    You have done the hardest part. Recognising that you do matter and need support to help you through your grief. And then speaking up. It takes guts.

    What is your plan to protect yourself? Doctor? ER? It is difficult but these feelings are manageable ok. You do need support as soon as possible though.

    I hope you can keep writing to us. Have you started a thread of your own so we can talk to you more?

    Be safe please.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Cambodia
    Cambodia  avatar
    1 posts
    11 July 2018
    Just here until my mum and brothers could cope alone. I think about not being here everyday and they are my reminders
    2 people found this helpful
  28. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    11 July 2018 in reply to Cambodia

    Hi Cambodia and a warm and gentle welcome to the forums. I'm glad you joined in.

    I feel like you today. Sometimes knowing we are needed is a good protective factor against thoughts of suicide. But we do also need to find ways to want to survive just for ourselves.

    I'm learning on days like today to go to my safe place to keep busy (a place and activity which help me feel ok about me or distract and calm me). Mine is working in my garden. Can you think of an activity that makes you feel ok even some of the time? Or a place that feels safe to you?

    I hope you can talk to us some more. You're in a safe place here.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  29. IreneM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    20 July 2018

    HI everyone I've been away for awhile and was starting to get involved with different people groups which began to help me to "FIT IN", but someone had a bad judgement about me and spread this false story about me on something that I never did.

    TRIGGER: This business of people making judgements on things that you do not do and going out of their way to make you look evil over something that you never do. Here I was thinking that I was starting to have friends and they have turned out to be enemies. This and many other people who were friends but chose not to be there when it counted, no phone call or text message or anything, has been so heartbreaking.

    COPING STRATEGY: But I took a step back took a birds eye view about the rest of my life and thought " these are not the only ones in this world. I have these other people available in other areas who seem to value me in some way for what I can do."

    So I turned around and got these other positive areas of my life happening again.

    Has anyone else had this happen to them - you take the courage to get out there and get put down?

    1 person found this helpful
  30. IreneM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    20 July 2018 in reply to Downhill daisy

    HI Daisy

    You and Shelley are not alone in feeling disconnected. That feeling can be really discouraging and possibly turn into a suicide trigger.

    But it's all about perspective. Like you I am an observer, and I have had positive comments from some people on what I notice or are aware of that they are not. Even if we do not participate in conversation or activities, if we observe and are aware of what is being said or done around us, we can become an asset the to others around us and become part of a team. We may not be something by ourselves, but by making known to others what we notice, we can make things happen with the assistance of others. We have got a role to play somewhere even if it is in the background. Although those in the foreground may be the centre of attention, without those in the background nothing works. It takes all sorts to make things work. I learnt this from my psychologist in relation to conversation.

    1 person found this helpful

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