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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to Downhill daisy
    Dow hill daisy

    yes I suppose I have hope but it's fading. just existing at my age. I do have ok days but am so tired of trying. guess I am.better around animals so I am ok with that.

    rusty
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7650 posts
    10 May 2019
    What's keeping me here is the tiniest light sort of trying to poke through in a skinny stream. It's up above. I think I am in that well. I felt so much emotional pain, tearing at my soul. I cannot deal with it. Only stay here, so I no longer have to feel it. Shut out. The light is hope, that's what I call it. But I feel so tired now and its hard to keep my eyes on the light.
  3. Paw Prints
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Paw Prints avatar
    1816 posts
    10 May 2019 in reply to Guest_1055

    Shelley Anne,

    Remember you are not alone in your well. With you are those who will support you when your tired, sit with you when you're in pain & give you a guiding hand toward the light.

    Paw Prints

  4. MsPurple
    Champion Alumni
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    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    10 May 2019 in reply to Paw Prints

    Hi everyone

    Rusty, have you looked into your courses disability services. I joined my universities disability services in my final year due to my mental health. I was able to get additional support. I suggest looking into this service (see forms on eep study stress or something along those lines)

    I felt lost the last few weeks. Really struggled. I finally feel like things are 'finally coming up Millhouse' (simpsons quote) as I was just accepted for Newstart through centrelink and I have started to get interviews and temp work. My family during this stressful time have been supportive which I appreciate and wouldn't have been able to manage without them

  5. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    10 May 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    why am I still here?
    Hello Ms Purple

    I Do have disability support at tafe however my self doubts and doing assessments plus role plays has been hard. I have good days then a self doubt day. it is coming up to placement time but teacher thinks I may not be ready
    on top of this I am on new start and have to search for 10 jobs a month. have applied for some but no luck. job provider does not assist me when I say I am not sure what job I am looking for. financially worried and feel inadequate against other students who pass assessments first time. just hate been on govt support as had worked 36 years and now.feel lousy had to resort to this. it's humiliating. if it wasn't for pets who knows who cares. ex husband has been supportive but.he has his own life so. life goes on... sort of

    rusty
  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    13 May 2019 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nellym,

    Do you have a thread somewhere? While this is a virtual space, you are not alone here. I am listening. Do you want talk about it?

    Tim

  7. IreneM
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    What Keeps me Here and Going?

    My Therapy has taught me that ...

    ... I can change how I think.

    Situation: I am struggling with my Studies.

    Negative Thought: 'I am no good unlike my peers.'

    Realistic Thought: 'I am doing the best I can in my current circumstances. If I fail I can always do this or another course next year or term.'

    Irene.

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6606 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Nellym
    It is good to see you back on the forums, Nellym. We're concerned that you're feeling so low right now, and have asked our Support Service to reach out to you via email. In the meantime, we encourage you to create a new thread about how you're feeling to allow more visibility and support from the community. If you feel unable to keep yourelf safe tonight, please call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or attend the emergency room of your nearest hospital.
  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Nellym

    Hi NellyM,

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I’m so glad you’re still here. You know this forum is a safe place to chat. I hope you chat some more?

    Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

    Tim

  10. MsPurple
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    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    HI everyone

    Rusty I get it. I questioned whether I was eligible. I went to headspace and gave my therapist the paperwork. He thought I was already with the service. All you have to do is get the paperwork filled out and book an appointment with disability services. I know it is scary, but you have nothing to lose trying, except more understanding and compassion. I found them absolutely lovely when I applied for it.

    Nellym I am glad you are still here. Around 2 weeks ago I had a really bad depression day. I was wanting to look into my options regarding mental health care that bulk billed (between jobs). I find them helpful. I called the acute mental health team at MH health (google it maybe one in your area). They helped talk to me about the services they offer and called me for the next few days to check in on me. It was really helpful at the time. I didn't need to go in but still helpful to know that there was something when I was distressed. I hope you feel like you can call someone like this or lifeline or beyond blue. Sophie has given some suggestions on what to do if distressed. If you want to chat about anything on here feel free to share

    I sometimes keep going because I have hope. Hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes in great stress we can stop believing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I felt this way. It is good to write out a safety plan. Who to call if feeling in deep distress. People to be around in times of needing safety. May never need to use the safety plan but it is good to have

  11. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    25 May 2019
    why am I still here?

    I am not sure. Thought might get answers for the way I am but guess only I have to do this myself. Since completing cert iv in mental health I have learnt so much and need to apply to myself. I had hoped to be on placement now like others in my class but they decided I am not ready. guess they right but am disappointed in myself. now not sure what to do until next year. I will try and find online support in my own state which makes more sense as don't feel I can join in forums here and some are so depressing I have to leave.


    rusty girl
  12. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to MsPurple
    what's the reason to stay I don't know.. Decided to go it alone and help myself to get over depression agoraphobia and a form ocd. don't believe I ha e it so will sort it out alone. o my I can change. talking doesn't help.
    recovery is possible. sick taking medication so will quit

    rusty
  13. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9817 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hello Rusty girl,

    Im sorry your struggling so much with your mh...I did read on another thread that you weren’t sure if you would be able to finish you course or not..I’m really pleased to hear that you have..Congratulations for achieving that...

    Please don’t be disappointed in you..you are struggling with your mh..Which is an illness, unseen from the outside but very real...

    Maybe look at the rest of the year to concerntrate on you, try any and everything you can to find your way back to wellness....

    It takes a very special type of person to select a career in helping others...you are one of those people...A person that others will be looking too for help with their mh...A very valued person as you are now...Please don’t give up on trying all you can to help you....You are a very important person and once you get on top of your own mh...just think now about how many people you will be able to help...That’s gold dear Rusty....

    Hold on to us dear Rusty...We are all here to try to support and help you....

    Sending you my love and lots of caring warm hugs..

    Grandy

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Ggrand
    why am I still here?

    Thank you brandy for no d words.I am not sure what I will do now tafe over. I was glad had monthly meet up with friend as I would have stayed in bed and slept all day as this is all I do now days. I got good feedback k on last written assessment in trauma but though it made me happy for all of 5 seconds I don't think it really helped. it's ok friend cheered me up at movies and not do what I was thinking of
    live to tell another day

    rusty
  15. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    26 May 2019 in reply to Ggrand
    why am I here?

    because of pets and one good friend who I met through grow. not sure if I will ever get rid of stupid thoughts and actions I do. was told I have hypervigilance which makes me avoid people I hate anyone walking behind me.

    anyhow I will get by

    rusty
  16. Davinci
    Davinci  avatar
    2 posts
    29 May 2019

    Hi I’m Davinci (Suicide Survivor)

    I was brought back from Flatline

    So why am I here?

    A man of 35 years wakes up one day acutely aware of a vague anxiety, a feeling of uneasiness, perhaps melancholy. He attributes the mood to problems at work and to a broken relationship. Weeks, even months, pass, but the subversive and unsettling "feeling" remains. There are slight irregularities in his sleeping patterns and in his diet. He is less keen on participating in various activities he once enjoyed. He is more withdrawn, more subdued. He looks out at the world and finds many things to detest: social injustice, the trivialization of modern culture, the apathy of fellow citizens, the slow pace at which society seems to reform itself. He wishes people cared more about issues and ideas, and less about how they look and how much money they have. He wonders, occasionally, if he isn't a crank, a weirdo, a malcontent. He reminds (and thus reassures) himself that he has a job, a friend or two, and a family.
    Another six or seven months pass, and this destabilizing feeling metamorphoses into profound despair. He sees nothing in life which is fulfilling or even mildly satisfying. His relationships, for the most part, are insubstantial and transient. He's nearly convinced that life has no real "meaning"; he even contemplates suicide.
    Should this man be drugged up on medication? Should he spend years on a therapist's couch trying to figure out what's wrong? Should he expect mitigation to come from the wisdom of self-help gurus or from the counsel of pastors and priests?
    Professionals would insist upon acknowledging the "problem" and getting it diagnosed. Questions about family propensity for depression or bipolar disorder, about changes in environment and in relationships would of course be of some avail to psychiatrists and psychologists.
    There is no reason to dismiss pharmaceutical solutions out of hand. Medicines of all kinds pass intense scrutiny and have to meet various guidelines before ever making it to market. They're examined in peer review journals, tested in double-blind studies, and monitored ever carefully after their debut. The verdict on drugs  has long since been out, and many report dramatic improvement in lifestyle.The life of a man who has tried to self-harm could very well be saved by lithium or MAO inhibitors. This fact seems to render all discussion but it’s more than meds it’s a fight to be loved...x

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    I'm very concerned for you. Are you still in hospital or have they released you?

    If you are in hospital, can you talk to the staff, any staff, even if it is the cleaner! Let them know you need help.

    While in hospital I have also used the phone help lines and they in turn have called the hospital staff to let them know I am not doing okay.

    Rusty, it sounds like you are exhausted and at the end of your endurance for now. It might not seem like it, but there is hope.

    Our depressed and distraught minds tell us there are no answers left. There is help. It might not come in the way we want or desire, always, but it is there.

    Please, speak to people, yell out at them if you have to, be heard, and I so hope you get the help you need.

    Best wishes for being able to turn this around to the positive, from Dools

  18. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    in reply to dools

    I left hospital without treatment . it's ok won't let anyone know again. trust in all people gone.

    rusty
  19. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

    Do you have your own thread here or would you like to start one up? People here care about how you are feeling.

    Dools

  20. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    in reply to fools

    I released myself without waiting for assessment. I can post here. not sure what I will do now. feeling sleepy so will go home and rest. got doctors appointment on Friday. nothing else to do now.

    rusty
  21. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Hope you manage to keep the Drs appointment on Friday. I tend to run out as I feel very vulnerable and out of control. Do you have someone who can take you to the Drs and sit with you as you wait?

    If it is recommended you go to hospital, will you stay there until you are booked in? I know the wait can take a while and seem like it is never ending. Hospitals can be busy, the people there do care, hopefully you will be able to find a way to wait and hold on until you receive help.

    Will you call someone if you need help? You don't need to be in this place alone. You could try Beyond Blue, Life Line the Suicide Call Back service. Or all three!

    Thanks for posting here Rusty!

    Cheers from Dools

  22. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Dear Rusty

    I can see from your posts how much you hurt. It does seem this dreadfulness will never go away but that's not true. You can become well again. I know it seems a long road to travel which is also unfortunately true. You are right in saying you must work on this but you are not alone.

    We are here to support you as much as possible. I know it doesn't seem much because we cannot be physically with you. You do have a friend nearby who can be with you. I do not know what medical support you have. Can you tell me? Sorry if this information is elsewhere.

    When I read about your stay in hospital it reminded me of my experience. No, it's not nice. It brought home the enormity of what I had tried to do. Rusty we all care for you very much. Stay with us. Find distractions when the thoughts whisper to you. I know you do not feel like doing anything but making one small step can have a huge effect on your MI. I am asking you to do one thing today. What did you enjoy before this depression? Can you make one effort to return to one activity even if it is only for a short time.

    Just one small step. My daughter used to say to me, "Baby steps mom, baby steps". And I did feel like a baby taking it's first staggering steps. Like a baby I fell down a few times. It was always hard to get up again and there were many times I refused to try. I do understand and so do the people who post here. You feel you have lost your trust in people but do not include us. We are here and we are trustworthy even though we cannot respond immediately.

    I hope your doctor's visit is helpful. Is this your GP or a specialist? Meanwhile write here. Use the forum as your journal if you wish or keep a journal of your own.

    Mary

  23. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    I n reply to fools
    today slept all day so good shame I woke up. dreamt of my mum and dad who are deceased. wish was with.mum. not g ping to hospital it's a waste of time. Dr appointment tomorrow will go. rest I don't know. I am alone with two cats. I don't fit into this world.
    I don't know what to do now

    rusty
  24. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to White Rose
    thank you white rose

    I will be ok. will see gp who is ok. guess stay on meds and keep going. no more hospital visits. I will drift back into anonymity.

    rusty
  25. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi rusty,

    I really do hope you are able to make it to the Doctors. If the doctor does suggest hospital, please consider it. Waiting to be admitted can seem difficult, sometimes we need the help of other people so we can just rest a while and give our brains a break.

    Have you managed to contact the support people from Beyond Blue? Just talking to someone can help.

    As White Rose has mentioned it can take baby steps and one action at a time to change things around. There is hope rusty, it can be hard to see it when we are in a dark place.

    Thinking of you, from Dools

  26. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    in reply to doolhof


    I am at doctors now. I hate hospital. won't go back there.

    I will talk to doctor first as need centrelink medical certificate for my job provider.

    not sure what to do next

    rusty
  27. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    31 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty,

    Hope you do find something to do next that is helpful.

    I've been struggling with my thoughts recently and quite often feeling like tossing it all in and wonder why I bother. I realise it is my brain telling me life is hard. It doesn't have to be so rotten.

    Hope you can make a difference in your life and hope the Dr was able to help you!

    Cheers from Dools

  28. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    670 posts
    1 June 2019

    I do not know anymore. I've searched through here for answers too. but there are none.

    why did i survive an attempt last night? I didn't want to, so what keeps me here?

  29. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Saree,

    You said that you have searched here for answers... Can you tell what the questions were you had? Or what sort of answer were to looking for?

    I am sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. And while this is a virtual space, and constrained by the way such a place works, I still want to help you. Tell us what we can do to support you at this time, in this space.

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi All,

    Things that are keeping me here when part of my sick mind tells me it would be easier to leave:

    - despite the stories my mind tells me otherwise, people do love and care for me

    - there is always someone to listen at the end of a support line like Beyond Blue or Life Line

    - there is hope, I just can't always see it

    - if I give the Drs a chance they will be able to help me

    - if I have a look around me, I have a lot to be thankful for

    - the past is the past, I can't change it, I can learn to accept it and live for today

    - I can acknowledge the hurt and the pain and find a way to move forward

    - even if I reduce my depression for a moment, that is an achievement

    - I do not know what tomorrow will bring

    - if I don't look for the good in life I will not see it

    So what is keeping me here, the realisation that life can be more than just my depression and suicidal thoughts!

    Wishing you all an opportunity to see what is possible!

    Cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful

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