It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has been through this.
I had similar experiences to you, but it was really only during in 2020 that I woke up each morning and cried.
I love a good brainstorming workshop, getting ideas and hearing everyone's perspective, I think I would make a great team leader, supervisor or manager one day.
I think, reflecting on that, I realised my role became more and more restrictive to what I was able to have control over, I was feeling a sense of powerlessness in the amount of flexibility and autonomy. I couldn't be the forward thinking, team driven, collaborative, people focused person I know I am.
Like you, I loved the overall objectives of my role, there were definitely parts of it that made me stay in it for so long. I also loved what the company stood for, it was an area of passion for me.
What I've come to realise is that even if I did stay, and tried to push through, that it wouldn't have stopped there, there would always be something else.
Perhaps I'm grieving the difference between what kind of support I wanted/needed and the reality of what support I received. I caught myself thinking 'if I just stayed, maybe it would have got better' or 'maybe if I did that thing differently x, y, z wouldn't have happened', but I don't actually know this to be 100% true.
I had an interview this week that I think went well. There's another job I've applied for that I really hope I get an interview for!.
I have my good and bad days, and I know it's going to take some time to process through it, especially as I still have colleagues from the company that I have remained friends with. They have been distant lately, I'm not sure if I want to know how things are going since I left, (If I'm honest, good or bad, it's not actually doing me any good to know).
I think my friends from there will eventually drift apart, I don't hold any grudges against them for doing so, I do hope that things get better at the company for them. Not everyone has the option to leave and some people might enjoy the job, and that's ok too.
I know I did the right thing for myself in the end, this might of been the push I needed to find something better.
Ps. I now ask at interviews when they say "do you have any questions for us?" I say "can you please describe the team culture in three words"- I agree that company culture is everything.