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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

Topic: Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

  1. Ammee
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    32 posts
    20 December 2020

    Hi all,

    It's been a scary week. This week I got very close to taking my life. I made a choice to call the helpline instead of taking my life at the time and they and my husband, together, got me through that night. Since then the suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind on and off and it's exhausting. There is a pattern. Things trigger me - something someone has said or written to me, or my daughter (and to a lesser degree my son's) behaviour, are the main ones (they both have special needs and get very loud). A small thing seems to trigger this feeling of absolute RAGE inside, which leads to the suicidal thoughts and takes me down a spiral of despair feeling like its all too hard, it isn't worth it anymore.. It's horrible and scary. Is there any way of stopping the rage over such trivial things? I really am scared I will hurt myself. Thank you for your help.

  2. Sophie_M
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    20 December 2020 in reply to Ammee
    Hey Ammee, thanks for joining us on the forums tonight.

    We're so sorry to hear how difficult this week has been for you. We think you're very strong for reaching out to the helpline when you needed it and for opening up to your partner. Please know our valued online community is also a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
  3. Ammee
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    32 posts
    20 December 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    Yes I am getting professional help but the psyc was not available till this Thursday.. so for me it is holding on till then, and that is exhausting.. I am trying to distract myself as much as I can. Thank you.
  4. Aaronsis
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    21 December 2020 in reply to Ammee

    Hi Ammee

    It is so great to hear that you chose you and you chose to reach out and make a phone call when you could have chosen to take your life. I am so proud of you and so very happy that at that moment something made you pick up the phone.

    Thursday does seem like a long way away when you are waiting to get some support but please know that there are many other lines of support that can help you until you get to your appointment. Sophie_M has mentioned the Beyond Blue line but also the very brilliant Suicide Call back Service too, they are all there for you and to help you get through this time.

    Being a parent is not easy and kids are demanding and can take so much from us emotionally, it does not mean that we don't love them but it can be very taxing and very destressing, especially if you are feeling so drained to begin with. You asked if there was any way of stopping this rage over such trivial things...I just wanted to let you know that they are firstly not trivial to you, and also when you are already full to the brim of pain and of suffering the smallest thing can ignite that fire inside. Working with your doctor will hopefully help in lowering the amount of suffering and pain and therefore leaving some room inside for you, and for life to happen and not make you feel triggered or angry. Even just sharing here and chatting can be apart of the calm that can help you just to get through the next few minutes and provide a nice change of thought.

    We are here for you to sit with you in this time and I hope to chat to you some more, if you would like to share that is, only if you want to.

    Hugs

    Sarah

    I also was glad to read that you are trying to distract to keep these thoughts at bay, what are you doing in your day? What things do bring you joy?

  5. sunnyl20
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    21 December 2020 in reply to Ammee

    Hi Ammee,

    I am really sorry to hear you are in such a dark place. What you are going through sounds like it has been very painful, exhausting and distressing. It can take so much courage and strength to seek out help when you get to that point, I am so glad that you were able to reach out and get the support that you needed that night. It can be really difficult waiting for an appointment, especially this time of year when many services are either shut or hard to get in.

    Has there been anything that has helped you in the past when you have felt this way? You mentioned distraction - maybe it is worth making a list of what you find most helpful so when things reach a tipping point you have something concrete to look at and focus on. Like listening to music, going for a walk/run outside, watching a good show, journaling (doesn't have to be pen and paper, just something to try to organise your thoughts a bit into words and get them out of your system), wash/submerge face with/in cold water, slowing your breathing, grounding techniques (sensory, breathing, physical). There is also the Smiling Mind app which you may find helpful to ground you and bring you out of your head and into the present.

    Suicidal thoughts can be really challenging to cope with, it can feel overwhelming and exhausting. That spiral downwards can feel so distressing and out of control. It can feel like it is all-consuming. But please know that you are not alone. You can ring a helpline, you can talk on these forums. It also sounds like your husband is a great support for you too.

    Knowing your triggers is so important. And they don't sound trivial at all. You obviously have a lot going on, and small things can accumulate and push you over the edge too. There is no shame in that.

    I really hope that you are able to get some peace and stability soon. Take some time out for yourself, be kind to yourself.

    Sending you strength. Take care.

  6. Ammee
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    32 posts
    21 December 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    I try to distract myself with art and craft. I enjoy photography too, so I do this. I am doing some crystal art at the moment which is helping.

    Today I am pretty empty though - there is nothing there today, not bad, not good, guess it is better than feeling suicidal, but I am gone - I mean, there is no me today - I am empty. Its a coping mechanism I guess.

    I have been battling depression on and off for a long time, since my daughter was born 11 years ago and almost died from pnemonia, but never have I had suicidal thoughts until last week and that is what made it so scary. I have many tricks up my sleve as I have been in and out of therapy and also studied a lot of stuff, including mindfulness, medication, distraction, and the smiling mind app, etc.. But none of my usual tricks are helping much at the moment..

    To give some background.. This year has been up shit creek for me, as it has for many people I think -

    I have fibromyalgia, have suffered from it for 12 years but the chronic fagigue stuff has gotten a whole lot worse this year

    Doctors think I now have CFS/ME and now am waiting to see a specialist, which will take three months.

    I suffer from migrains most days.

    Was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of the year.

    My son (14) is ADHD, my daughter (11) is Autistic. I adore them, but they have their challenges. My daughter suffers significan mental health issues too.

    I lost my job at the end of last year, so I tried to start up a business of my own which has failed due to COVID amongst other things

    It has just been one of those years.

    And you are right, it has been one thing after another after another, and it has all got on top of me.. I think I have truly burned out....

  7. sunnyl20
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    22 December 2020 in reply to Ammee

    Hey Ammee,

    How are you feeling today?

    It sounds like you have got a lot going on. I’m really sorry this year has been so stressful for you, starting a business can be challenging enough without Covid and two children with additional needs. I cannot imagine the persistence and strength it has taken you to see the year through.

    It is great to hear that you have got some things to keep you busy and take the edge off when things get overwhelming, but yeah, as you say sometimes it can feel like nothing helps no matter how hard we try.

    I hope you are able to talk through everything that has been going on for you with your psych soon.

    Please don’t hesitate to reply and let us know how you’re going. We’re here for you.

    Take care.

  8. Ammee
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    32 posts
    22 December 2020 in reply to sunnyl20
    Thank you
  9. Ammee
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    32 posts
    23 December 2020
    I don't know what to do at the moment. I feel so lost. Should I be admitting myself to a hospital? I don't want to wait in an emergency room.. worst for me at the moment I think.
  10. Sophie_M
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    23 December 2020 in reply to Ammee
    Hi Ammee,

    We can hear that right now things must feel very confusing or overwhelming for you. We have just sent you an email to check in and to talk about what would be right for you to do tonight. If you could keep an eye on your inbox, that would be great, and please feel free to checking in with us.
  11. Ammee
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    32 posts
    24 December 2020

    Thank you. I am working through things and seeing my psychologist today. At the point of completely giving up atm, but maybe my psyc will help me.

  12. Guest_1643
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    24 December 2020

    Hi Anmee -

    it's not often i come onto the forums and find a post that somes up so precisely what i feel

    I understand the rage you feel and i feel it too

    I was happy to see you are holding on to see the pysch it seems you place stake in her assistance and feel supported by her/them/him

    To me the rage has to be calmed by taking a bit of a break

    It often comes when i feel abandoned

    Or sometimes when something insensitive is said about suicide/sh/trauma i just get so angry

    I have to change up my environment and disract to calm down, watch a funny show.

    I guess we all have these triggers. With help, I hope we can overcome them

    And the first thing to understand, which is helping me, is that it's okay to be angry sometimes and let down and sad

    not to judge or hate the feelings. they are there i guess for a reason

  13. sunnyl20
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    24 December 2020 in reply to Ammee

    Hey Ammee,

    I’m really sorry to hear things are feeling so difficult right now, and that you are feeling that giving up is the only option. Do you feel able to talk to your husband about what is going on for you? I would really encourage you to contact Lifeline, especially if you don’t feel able to talk to anyone else.

    Sending you strength.

  14. Ammee
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    32 posts
    25 December 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Thank you Sleepy21

    You are so right. I need to learn to be less critical of my feelings and just go with them, easier said than done. I am trying hard atm.. but am exhausted with trying. The worst of it is I have two children who I have to try desperately to compose myself for as I don't want to worry them. I am taking things one hour at a time. Self harmed again yesterday, and hate that I did it - now it serves as a reminder to me everytime I see it, which really isn't helping me as that makes me angry as well.. But I am better than I have been. Trying to watch some of my favourite old movies with my family, and wind down however I can. Thanks for reaching out.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Ammee
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Guest_1643
    On another note, Christmas is such a hard time of year isn't it? All the debarcle with family, gift giving, preparing food, shopping in crowded shops - it is all so overwhelming.
  16. Sophie_M
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    25 December 2020 in reply to Ammee
    Hey Ammee, 
      Thanks for joining us on the forums today. We're so sorry to hear how overwhelming life is at the moment. We acknowledge how stressful the holidays can be with so many people on edge. We hope you're able to wind down with your family today as you've suggested and enjoy some of your favourite old movies. Do you have a favourite movie that you like to watch each year? Love Actually seems to be a popular one. We'd like you to know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here if you need it (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636). We've also sent you a private message to offer some extra support for today.  Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Ammee
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    32 posts
    1 January 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Hi, I went to the hospital on December 27th. I have been moved into a mental health unit now. I'm ok. Just pretty depressed. And I feel like I am in limbo at the moment because I came here the day before NYE and they didn't have much therapy going on, and still don't being New years and all. They say all that will start on Monday, so I just sit here waiting. But at least I am getting help. Wanted to let you all know I haven't completely disappeared, and I am safe. Thanks for your help.
  18. Guest_1643
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    1 January 2021 in reply to Ammee

    Ammee said:Hi But at least I am getting help..

    I love that you acknwoledge that for yourself and you are getting help

    I'd like to think that when classes start on Monday there will be a lot to absorb in and learn

    I actually think you've gone to the hospital at a great time - so so many services are closed and limited now in terms of seeing a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist.
    At the hospital (from Monday) you should be able to access clinicians easily and have thebest support.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. sunnyl20
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    1 January 2021 in reply to Ammee

    Hey Ammee,

    We are really glad to hear that you are safe. It can be difficult waiting for services but I really hope that once everything starts back you are able to feel supported and get the help that you need. Look after yourself and please know that this space is always here. We are here to listen when you need. Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. AnonymousID
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    38 posts
    2 January 2021 in reply to Ammee
    I'm sorry to hear that you are overwhelmed and this year has been tough for you. You sound like your really good at taking care of your family but it's times like these you need to take care of yourself. I'm really glad your in a safe place right now and will have the extra support you need soon. I hope you have the strength to really talk to them and practice some better coping mechanisms. I understand how hopeless things can seem but you have made a step in the right direction. I wish you the best and hope things get better soon
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Ammee
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    32 posts
    3 January 2021 in reply to AnonymousID
    Thanks for all the kind words everyone.
  22. Aaronsis
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    12 January 2021 in reply to Ammee

    Hi Ammee

    Just stopping in to see how you are doing and how you are feeling lately?

    I was so happy to hear that you went to the hospital and that you are safe, also that they were taking care of you and put you into the Mental Health unit for some support. How are you going and what was the outcome of your session there? If you want to share that is.

    I was so pleased to see that you did post and that you are safe and that you are taking care of you, that is so wonderful and we are here with you Ammee to support you and to listen as much as you want to share.

    Hope to chat to you soon Ammee and wishing you a day that is full of smiles.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  23. Ammee
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    5 June 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    It's been a while. Hospital was good for me, I learned a lot and got out two weeks later. Since then I have been plodding along. I am back at work and thoroughly enjoying it. I am not well though - I've been diagnosed with CFS / ME which turns out is the main reason I ended up suicidal, that and my PTSD triggers. CFS / ME is a horrible condition to live with, when you crash your whole body shuts down which makes function really difficult. But finding out I had it was a huge lift of my shoulders because many symptoms I didn't understand finally made sense - so it really helped my mental health getting the diagnosis. I have been a lot better for two or three months now - until this week - I had a bad trauma trigger this week and ALL the visions came flooding back, everything, suicidal images and ones of self-harm. I don't think I'm actually suicidal, just have lots of images flooding into my mind and sometimes I am becoming trapped in those thoughts - it's horrible. Some of the worst I have experienced since January! So often I consider self-harming...It's really hard to maintain control. I'm trying to use mindful flow as much as I can. However my life is so complex and I have constant interruptions which makes it harder. I am a carer for my 12 year old mentally unwell daughter, who has had mental health issues since she was 7 (she was self harming then and having episodes of psychosis). At the moment, after being pretty good for a while, she is on the rocks with her mental health again, having hit puberty - she is really afraid of herself.. So it is all SOOO hard for me, as a mother it is horrible to see your child suffer and not know how to help her. I have her to look out for, and with that a husband that doesn't fully understand where I am coming from because he hasn't been there and because he seems to have some strange views and behaviours happening which were not there before, around some things and does not want to see a psychologist himself because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him - and early this week I had a massive trauma trigger which brought me back to a sexual assault incident that happened to me more than 20 years ago!! I am almost ready to crawl into a cave again.. But my work keeps me going - I love it so much, it is my time I am at my happiest. So I've got that. I'll get through this, like other times. One day at a time.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Aaronsis
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    7 June 2021 in reply to Ammee

    Hi Ammee

    It is great to hear from you again and so wonderful that you knew to reach out to us again when things haven't been so great of late.

    I was so happy to hear that the hospital stay was beneficial and helped you out, that is wonderful to hear. I am also really pleased to hear that you are loving your job, this can make a really big difference too when you do have something to enjoy and that work, where we do spend so much of our time, is enjoyable for you.

    I am so sorry to hear about the Chronic Fatigue, I really don't know much about it but did a quick google search and it really sounds very debilitating, and exactly as you say, when you crash your whole body shuts down. I am just so proud of you that you can continue to work and to function in your role and to maintain your life while feeling so physically compromised. It is a relief when you can find out why and how things are related to why you feel the way you do and think the way you do, it provides hope and also eliminates the worry that there is "something wrong with you to be feeling like this".

    I am not sure if you wanted to talk through some more about what happened to trigger you and how you have responded to this. The mind is a very powerful tool and it is amazing at how it responds in our time of stress, pain or worry, how it can grab the first thing it "knows" to manage pain, or old ways in which it related to pain or stress. BUT, as you know from the hard work that you have done to make such great progress in your journey that these thoughts are just that, thoughts and you do not have to action or do anything with them. Talking through maybe with a professional some of the triggers you have and some of the past events some more may help too in this space and help to do some more healing with these past events.

    I am wondering if you are getting some support for you with helping your daughter. Not only are you trying to get yourself well but caring for another is also very challenging too, and even more so when she is struggling with her mental wellness. I hear you so loud and clear, it is really damn hard to see your kids in pain, to see them suffer and not know how to make it all go away, or at the very least offer some help that will be received by them. Puberty is tough at the best of times, let alone when you are not well. Please reach out for some support with this Ammee, this sounds like a lot on your plate.

    Here to chat and here to support you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Ammee
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    12 June 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Thanks Sarah,

    No I am not getting much support with my daughter. I have my husband of course, but that is all. My mother has died and my other parents live a long way away.

    The trigger last week was nothing to the one I had this week.

    My daughter was rushed to hospital from school on Monday due to her trying to take her own life.. I can't believe this. I have tried to stay strong and keep it together all week for her but it is damn hard. We live in Adelaide. There is only one pediatric ward in Adelaide for under 16s and it only has 12 beds. It was full on Monday so they sent a mother with a suicidal past home with a daughter who was suicidal - I don't know that that was the best choice on their part. But I feel I have done quite well with her until now.

    Watching your child suffer is so gut renching - watching her lose all her spark, humour and fun, with nothing left in her but loss and despair is horrible, and so triggering. Fortunately she was able to respect me when I kindly asked her not to mention wanting to die in front of my as it was triggering me. She now talks about things being bad or not, and gives me a number to help me clue on to how she is. She saw a psychiatrist on Thursday and has talked to Lifeline, both things that have helped her a lot.

    However, today she tried again, I won't mention the details - but it was very scary. I managed to stop her. My husband was out of the room, and I was shouting at her and getting at her to stop her, he didn't come. When I asked him later he said he thought it wasn't that serious. Then I got really angry at him for not taking this seriously enough and he got really upset because he thought I was saying he doesn't care. Of course he cares, he has done a huge amount for my girl this week.

    I am self harming again and I am not sure how long I can hold out.

  26. Sophie_M
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    12 June 2021 in reply to Ammee
    Hey Ammee,

    We are so sorry to hear what's been been happening over the past week, and can hear that you and your daughter are having such a hard time right now. We can only imagine how scary and upsetting this experience must have been for you today, especially when your husband wasn't there for support when it was needed. It's also understandable that this week has been quite triggering for you, and please know that you don't have to cope with all of this on your own. Our caring community are here for you, but we are also checking in with you privately through email.

    We can hear how overwhelming these urges to self-harm are becoming, and we'd really encourage you to keep reaching out in these moments- either with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are available to you as often as you need, at any time of the night or day. Sometimes it can be really helpful to verbalise these thoughts and feelings with a kind and understanding voice on the other end of the phone.

    You might also find it helpful to contact our friends at Parentline (available in South Australia 24/7 on 1300 364 100) who can offer the kind support and advice for you and your daughter.

    You don't have to go through this on your own- we're all here to support you.
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Aaronsis
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    15 June 2021 in reply to Ammee

    Hi Ammee

    Apologies for my tardy reply, How things have been for you, for your daughter and in general over the past few days?

    Managing this situation on your own essentially would be horrific and I want to remind you that at anytime you can call the support services line here at Beyond Blue and you can also reach out to LifeLine.

    Having your daughter attempt her own life, well I have no words really for the pain and emotion that comes with such horrific news. It would be hard to keep it together, let alone when you are feeling so bad yourself. Well done for trying to keep it together, that would have been an enormous effort, well done. The hospital sure sounds like the facilities sure are minimal and are certainly not sufficient, I am so sorry that they sent you home, feeling like you are not "bad enough" to be there or not needing the services of the hospital. As you say so very rightly though, you have done very well up until now and you know what, you will continue to do so as that is what we do as parents. Even though it is hard and hurting and we are fighting a million things, we pull a rabbit out of a hat when we need to to support our kids. There is times that you need to check in and to make time for you to get better and to heal too.

    I am so beyond proud that you have a system in place so that you can communicate with each other and to let each other know without it being triggering or damaging to the other, this is brilliant and so important. Communication is key and you have not let that fall down and that is a true credit to you. I am so pleased that Lifeline helped her, as I said, they are there for you too.

    Having to see your daughter also in the middle of an attempt and to have to intervein must have been terrifying, and even then that word does not seem enough. I can't even imagine what that would be like. Also having to do it on your own must have been even scarier. Maybe you and your husband need a word that when you say it he knows it is time to come NOW, that things are VERY SERIOUS. I understand how you would be angry at him, that you feel like he is not caring or doing enough, maybe he honestly does not know how so putting his hands over his ears and singing (metaphor there) is what he can do to cope? While that is not helpful to you, perhaps there is a conversation there too that you can ask him what he needs to get involved or what you can do to help him help your daughter.

    I hope to chat some more to you Ammee

    Hugs

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Guest_1643
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    15 June 2021 in reply to Ammee

    ammee -

    thank u for sharing

    ur showing amazing strength being there for ur girl and that both u and ur husband are with her in this. i'm sure it's so so hard but showing up for her, ad making her not feel alone, is life-saving. u are life-saving.

    When I was a teenager I had an attempt on my life and my parents never spoke about it or encouraged me to get help. They were angry at me. They said I was stupid for doing it. Then shut down. It was years later that I realised how negatively this impacted me. Not being able to talk about suicide is harmful. I'm so glad ur daughter has a psych and can call Lifeline. I perosnally find them an amazing service and feel they changed the course of my life, too.

    i'm so sorry to read about the hospital ... absolutely atrocious they do that.
    There are hospitals in Victoria that have this program called HOPE (hospital outpatient post suicidality engagement) - from the theory that a person is most vulnerable in the 3 months after an attempt, they offer ppl 3 months of case management and support with a clinician after an attempt. I hope they will roll that out in other places.

    Sending ppl away is so wrong, i'm so in agreement wit u there, but glad to hear u are doing well despite that horrible experience. Good on u.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Ammee
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    17 June 2021

    Just wanted to write a short post to say, that we are ok, in the sense that we are still alive anyway.

    Thank you SO much for your kind words of support.

    It has been a very hard week.. today has been particularly hard. But, thankfully my daughter had not made any more attempts on her life. She still talks regularly about how bad she is, how she wishes she wasn't the person she is and she doesn't want to be here - I hate seeing her so down on herself.

    The kids at school are not helping either. We are slowly transitioning her back, just two hours a day - and the teachers are doing their best to help her. We had a meeting with them before bringing her back and did a full safety plan with them of course - but unfortunately they can't watch her closely all the time and stupid kids who know they can push her sneak in when the teacher isn't looking and say horrible things to her! She has remained strong - walked away from them and tells the teacher - teacher deals with it, but they keep on doing it. THey are small things, but so much is triggering her at the moment.

    A plus though, she did go to Scouts tonight for the first time since the incident - the place she feels the safest outside of home I think. They are so good there with looking after the kids, and the scout leader is a Social Worker so is able to be there for her in a way that maybe others could not.

    However, I am only holding on by a thread - the thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation are haunting me, I hate it - what keeps me going is my absolute need to be there for my daughter - I have to remain strong for her, I mustn't make things worse for her - Her life is so important to me. So the thoughts are there but (most of the time) I am not following through.

    I have had a couple of counselling sessions over the phone that have helped and I have friends that are reaching out, these are all good things. I am glad I have my community around me. I am glad for Beyond Blue too - thanks for all you do.

    Ammee.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6625 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Ammee
    Hi Ammee,

    We're sorry to hear that your daughter is having trouble with some of the children at school. It's understandable that this would not make things easy for her. It's great that she is slowly integrating back into school and scouts. It sounds very positive that she hasn't made any more attempts. We can only imagine how difficult it must be to curb your own suicidal ideation and thought of self harm, while trying to be there for your daughter. It sounds like your family and community are great protective factors for you.

    We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

     you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  

    Your daughter can get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

    Keep visiting us on the forum and letting us know how everything is going. 

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