It’s just over 2 years I made that decision to give first aid to 2 people that had been in a violent situation, I was at work but not work. I didn’t get much support from that and worked on, my symptoms started but I guess crap happens. Seven months later I then had another violent situation at work. All that was asked, was I got clearance for my controlled epilepsy. I stopped work then. I have experienced abuse many times in my career but this one got me.

I got 6 months and told to go back, my doctor told me I’d get sacked if I didn’t, so I asked for meds and went. It wasn’t fun. Anxiety, attacks, think of all the symptoms. I got told the incident was nothing by a psychiatrist. Then I was told there was no where for me and I’d had enough, I refused to do anymore, my family were suffering. I was too. So I lost all workcover payment. I also got told my memory loss was because of that controlled epilepsy I have.
On to income protection, which we are now fighting for, 7 months no money and about one hour ago I had to tell my daughters I’m a useless piece of crap who has to sell our home to survive, Centrelink won’t touch me as I have case in and income protection still pending. My daughters told me to get a job, I can barely make it through a day.
I’m not even sure now which is more traumatic in some respects, the actual incidents or losing my children’s respect. I knew I’d lost most of it already but this finished it.
I don’t really care about my home in all honesty, just my girls and I just can’t see any light here. I’ve always seen light before, you do this and this, eventually this will work out but I just don’t know here. I feel so, so alone. I don’t want to die, but that’s all I think about now. The glass between everyone and myself just seems so thick and I hate listening to myself. The nightmares are returning and so are headaches which I thought were controlled with medication. No one seems to be able to help and I don’t even know what that help is supposed to look like. I’m extremely scared. Oh so scared and it’s a shitty thing to say but I wish id ignored the violent situation and just kept working. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I’m faking this but honestly, I know one WPHS officer told me she has friends who have been in mental health units and I haven’t so I’ll be ok. But I can’t go there. I’m a single mum with girls who really have no one else and I don’t have that option.

Dear SR2333, 

We are so sorry to hear about your experience, and that you feel useless, scared, and disconnected from others. That sounds incredibly hard. Having to worry about money when feeling mentally unwell would be incredibly stressful. 

We're so glad that you posted here. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully, some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. 

If you continue to have thoughts about death, please do not hesitate to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please continue to post as you see fit. 

Dear SR2333~

Your post brought back a lot for me (though not in a bad way). That 'The glass between everyone and myself just seems so thick and I hate listening to myself." reminded me so much of being mentally on one side of it and watching myself, not even understanding why I acted as I did.

My memory loss came from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and suicidality. (I was invalided out of my career and never returned to it)

That psychiatrist was an idiot.  I was involved in an incident involving a firearm which was no trivial thing, I'm lucky, it could have been life-changing.

There are some things that are absolutely vital, and you welfare comes top of the list, even before you girls, as wihtout reasonable health you cannot look after them.

It may sound like a cliche to say it, but you can only do what you can, and if you have to sell your house and cannot work, ok, that's the way it is. You are making the most sensible decisions between unwelcome choices.

We do not get the time to weight up all possible consequences when going to help another in need - all one can say it is a tribute to your nature, and if you girls are silly enough not to see that then they need to exercise sympathy and kindness -I'm sorry to be blunt

May I ask how old they are?

I'd also like to ask a couple of other things. First do you have competent medical treatment for your trauma (no, I do not mean a company doctor with the possible conflict of interest), and importantly do you have anyone, friend or maybe in family, you can lean on, talk frankly and feel cared for?

I found that having meds that treated the physical symptoms did help a fair bit, treating the underlying mental conditon was separate, and eventually I'm in a good place, can work and gain satisfaction, love and am loved.

A lot is planning and strategy, for the headaches and nightmares could you say what precautions you take, and what you do when they come to lessen their impact?

I hope we can talk some more

Croix

 

 

 

 

Hi Croix,

my girls are 16 and 17. My eldest has a problem as for the last seven months as we don’t have any income we’ve been living off their inheritance from their father. I never thought it would be an issue, firstly I knew the PTSD was real and there was no past history and also I have the money if worst comes to worst tied up in my home. But apparently I’m the worst person that ever lived to do this and perhaps I am, I don’t know anymore. Ive been told I’m a bad mother, I’m sure she thinks I should go to jail. Ive checked I don’t, it’s more ethical and more a case of well do you have money sitting there and starve or eat? I guess we have eaten well, but their inheritance is safe and at 18 they will get their cheque. Honestly that’s all I am is a cheque and a cleaner, apparently no one should feel anything for me, I’m despicable, I get it. I don’t even really want to be here anymore, I give up with raising them I admit defeat, someone take them off my hands honestly. That’s how I’m feeling. Ive lost all parental control now, the last 36 hours have been hell, looking at rental properties I apparently get no input into anymore or very little, posed impossible questions. When will the house sell? Then looking at a place telling them it’s pointless looking as it won’t be available and getting told off for this. Having to explain the rental market, but somehow this too is my fault. I’m tired of everything being my fault. I’m scared senseless of my children now. I don’t know where that came from, but I am, I’m scared of them and I’m ashamed. I hide from them. I don’t want to be near them. I want them to every happiness but they scare me so so much. Most things do now if I’m honest. I just want to hide and wait for it all to go away, but I’m not sure it will.

Dear SR2333~

It passes. Believe me. I can understand your being frightened of you kids, and of everything else. The future can seem an insurmountable mountain when you look at it right now.

First off, as I mentioned before (Yup, I'm a nag) competent trauma treatment is needed for you as it was for me, that plus support.

There I'm luckier than you in having family support, but I would think I'd have slowly improved wihtout it. I was scared of things, from the people that worked out my workers comp to the mailbox (go figure). and my medical team.

You are so much more than a check and a cleaner, in fact I think you are rather admirable. You have been though the most harrowing of times, yest went back to work. It is sad that later incident set things back. You have been dealing with a complex nightmare of legal procedures where all parties want to duck the issue and not see you as a deserving human being.

You deal with you epilepsy and lack of funds, with brutally selfish kids, plus nightmares, headaches and the type of feeling that can come from trauma.

Yet you are honest and still wish those kids well.

There are two ways to look at what as happened -as a set of unmitigated disasters -which they are, or as a set of constant victories done by you. I'm not saying you've won any court cases or magically transformed your kids, but each day you have plugged on , doing what is needed.That is a huge accomplishment, you are dealing with what life handed you, nobody can do more.

I'm sure you will continue to do so

I forgot anger, it is so easy to become more and more scared, and so hard not to. Anger helps, anger at your firm, the legal system, those that have injured you and those that mistreat you now - you don't deserve any of this.

One thing I found also helped was to reserve a while at the end of each day, use that time for you, doing something you used to enjoy, or can take you mind away from the now with all its problems. I use mainly books, and look forward though the day to reading a few more chapters.

What did you or do you like?

Maybe during that time you kids may interrupt, perhaps on purpose. It is you chance to make a small beginning by saying no, not now, and stick to it until your time had finished.

It will get better.

Croix

I was angry at my employer, and it helped, I was angry at those that made no effort to help, that too gave me a little strenght and more self regard.