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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Adult children with anxiety and gender issues

Topic: Adult children with anxiety and gender issues

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    4 June 2018
    Hi, we have a child (early 20's) living with us who has withdrawn from society and is not working and has very limited friends. We have looked at all the government help and even private but now there is a wall up between us that stops all........all conversations. We are struggling with direction on any level. It seams any conversation will end up as a fight and we need help.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
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    geoff avatar
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    5 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hello Jetrd, and a warm welcome to the forum.

    I understand that you're not able to get the answers you're looking for, so perhaps you could tell us what sort of help you have been searching for, this will tell us where we can help you.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. stormcloudz
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    5 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hi Jetrd

    It's hard when someone cuts off communication. Has your child been to a GP and been diagnosed with anxiety, or had support for the gender issues? I'm not sure where you are up to in the process. There are some good GPS out there who are trained in both these areas, but you need to pick carefully.

    Have you heard of the Gender Centre? That might be a good place to check out and see if it can offer some support to your beautiful child, or yourself.

    I have a dear relative who is transgender and its a path that is much smoother with family help, so while you probably feel helpless, it's still a blessing that you are there and willing to be patient and open to discussion.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    5 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hi Jetrd,

    Just wondering if you can communicate with your child electronically?

    Sometimes my depression is not at all pleasant and I withdraw. I then find it easier to communicate with my husband via text messages and emails even though we are in the same house.

    Could you forward your child information on mental health so they have a greater understanding of what they are experiencing?

    Maybe print out some questionaries on mental health/depression so the child can fill them in and consider how they are feeling.

    Does this child have a sibling or other relative they relate to?

    rite out a card telling them how much you love and care for them and slip it under their door.

    Not sure what else to suggest here!

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  5. stormcloudz
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    341 posts
    5 June 2018 in reply to Doolhof
    Dools, that's interesting about the texting, and helpful to those of us who might be on the other side of the depression 'wall'. Why is it easier to communicate via text/email?
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  6. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to stormcloudz

    This has been a ten year process which has involved counselling doctors psychologist and specialists with gender support. For some reason all help offered recently seams to be looked at in a negative way and now the communication has virtually stopped. Compared to the limited friends we have been very open and supportive with the name change and anything else that goes with this but the reclusive behavior stuck on the internet with little or no contact with the outside world is getting hard to deal with. We are finding the way this is being viewed in America is having a strong influence on us here and now believes everyone is against them. (not actually the case) . We think the comfort zone of the house and bedroom is being protected now with anything that stops going out, except a doctors visit to get the T injections. Our living situation is very uncomfortable with any discussion at all ending when it is not going in their favor with a walk out and never to be bought up again.

    Any advice that can help us (we are in SA) would be very helpful.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Just Sara
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    6 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hey Jet and welcome to our caring community;

    I'm wondering whether this behaviour has been slowly increasing or was a noticeable change overnight so to speak. If something occurred which contributed to this change, it might be wise to inform the psych who's dealing with them. This way they can try to open up communication with more insight.

    Is it ok if you use a gender specific term like he or she? Whatever's comfortable for you. It just makes communicating with you a bit easier on my end that's all. It may even produce ideas in readers/posters too.

    Responses above have been really great. You've come to the right place! :-)

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez

  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to stormcloudz

    Hi Stormcloudz and All,

    Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't listen to me, so texting or emailing means at least he has read what I want to communicate to him.

    When a situation feels overwhelming, writing something down is easier for me than to try and talk it out.

    As a child my parents yelled a lot, so trying to share how I was feeling was lost in the shouting, so I didn't communicate in the end.

    When I am crying, I can still write.

    This is just a suggestion, it might work for some and not for others.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hi Jetrd,

    It certainly does sound like you are in a difficult situation. It is very difficult to try and communicate with someone who is struggling to do so for what ever reason.

    Is it possible to impose a bedroom free hour each day where your child has to come and be with the family. It might be that you have no communication at all, agree on some terms. Maybe just being together might help in some way.

    Can you expand on the time away from home while your child is having the injections at the Dr? Suggest a drive, going tot he movies, a walk on the beach if you are near one. Maybe this will be hard to implement, I am not sure what you have tried already.

    All the best from Dools

  10. stormcloudz
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    341 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd
    Yikes, I wrote you such a long post and I think I just lost it. I'll wait a bit and try again.
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Thanks, we have tried with success in the past but not these days as this child is in their early 20's.

    Would you like to go for a drive....No. what about going......No. Can I help you with anything?......did I ask for your help?

    My shoulders drop and I walk away

  12. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    The communication is never going to be electronic because that can be ignored (currently most of mine is like this now).

  13. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Just escalated fairly quickly as I have a belief that there is a real comfort zone in play and I was looking to challenge the boundaries a bit for their benefit but that was obviously too much.

    I asked something regarding the future and that set off a mood that ended with me needing to apologize for things that were taken out of context (very regular senario). In the real world we are getting spoken to in ways that are not good considering we financially support them. We did wonder if we pushed for rent etc if that would make it worse or motivate and make it better.

    Is it ok if you use a gender specific term like he or she? - No, this is bad for us so we dont. Not sure how it became such a tender subject because we have supported the change from when it was first discussed. For your reference F>M

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  14. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    6 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    Hi again Jet;

    It seems kindness doesn't work so well. Giving in to the millennium generation has become the norm as they can be quite manipulative, stubborn and apparently 'entitled' to everything but the kitchen sink without giving anything in return.

    Mine's 27 and acted like I was the one in 'his' debt. Hmm.. So I told him he has my total commitment to his independence a few yrs ago. No more money, visits or favours. He's on his own except for emergencies.

    I also read him the riot act the 'last time' he was rude and aggressive with me. I think I used the term; "..will NOT tolerate anymore.." and "If you ever..." a few times while I was nearly frothing at the mouth. I didn't wait for an answer either; very out of character for me. I'd had enough and just snapped.

    Since he's been doing things for himself, he's far easier to talk with and even faces adversity with a good dose of optimism. Who would'a thunk?! lol

    'You're' never to old to learn hun. Ha ha.. It's not the kids that need to change; it's us! Arrogance has no gender bias either. They all push boundaries and if you're not ready with a game plan, it ends up with them training parents to be just where they want you. You know what I mean?

    I'm interested to see what you think about my 'tough love' experience.

    With the overnight change issue, I still think a psych would be best at digging away at it. Sudden changes could be due to a variety of factors from simple hormonal changes to difficult life experiences.

    It only took one sentence for my son to stew away for months. I had to poke him a few times before he let it out. Big misunderstanding! Whew!

    Take care of you too btw; take in a movie or walk on the beach to remind yourself of your own independence at least once a week. You deserve it!

    Sez

  15. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    7 June 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Oh Sez, what can I say to that. Suddenly feeling like we are not the only ones dealing with this behavior. Thank you as well for thinking of us. We have a good network of support plus we get out and travel most weekends.

    Yes the entitled should be for those who have worked hard to get what they have not to those having it supplied.

    The tough love is coming I believe but we are just try to see if there is any other way to offer help due to the anxiety being social anxiety. I am the parent that will supply the tough love and they know that because it has happened before with the other siblings with good results.

    Is there any help within the government system that you know of? We want ours to register for centrelink to help with independence and motivation to move into the adult world where you are accountable for your actions.

    Thanks so much for your response it gives me renewed energy to pushforward some more.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Jetrd
    Jetrd avatar
    8 posts
    7 June 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    You're' never to old to learn hun. Ha ha.. It's not the kids that need to change; it's us! Arrogance has no gender bias either. They all push boundaries and if you're not ready with a game plan, it ends up with them training parents to be just where they want you. You know what I mean?

    This paragraph sumed it up for me. Yes I know what you mean , perfectly.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
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    7 June 2018 in reply to Jetrd

    It's sort of reassuring for me too not feeling alone in my struggles. My early parenting style was based on a lot of guilt which led to overcompensating. A hard lesson indeed and even harder to come back from.

    Yes, feeling naturally entitled is the new millennium curse for young people. As parents we don't have prior experience with this as our generation focused on long term security and taking adversity on the chin. Problems are the same, but strategies and coping skills aren't.

    In NSW they rolled out the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) a yr ago. It's had its teething problems, but seems to be doing ok now.

    Once registered with the NDIS, which requires a lot of evidence, programs and services are claimed thru individual case management. It's a good program if it's applied well with the right assessor and programmer. They're much more helpful than Centrelink and can focus on gaining employment and housing as well.

    Social anxiety can be helped thru Exposure Therapy, (ET) though participants need to be willing to engage and slowly push boundaries. I'm not sure if your child has the motivation.

    CBT's the first port of call but can take a long time to resolve issues; combining the two therapies can be beneficial though.

    I'm really glad you get out and enjoy life. That's a plus for sure..

    Not sure if I've been helpful, but hopefully my post has some wisdom to pass on.

    Take care;

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful

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