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Topic: Family members who won't get help

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mrs K
    Mrs K avatar
    3 posts
    26 April 2018

    How do you deal with family members who won't get help?

    I'm having trouble even bringing up the subject with my mother, who I believe has been chronically depressed for over 10 years now. She has been through menopause, which she blames for everything. She is always miserable, and criticising people, nothing is ever good enough, she mopes around the house, she slams doors, she mumbles and swears at the tv, she complains her siblings don't care about her aging mother and don't do anything to help (which is not true). Literally everything, she will find a way to complain about. She complains, she complains, she complains. She's very much stuck in victim hood.

    I don't know how to broach the subject. I've been treated for depression and anxiety all of my adult life.

    Something needs to change. I can not stand seeing her like this.

    I know she will deny there is a problem, make excuses about not being able to afford medication or a psychologist. Probably start another rant.

    Any suggestiong on how to handle this?

    Thankyou.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9398 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to Mrs K

    Hi Mrs K, welcome.

    I know that feeling. It's etched on my memory. I'm 62yo and up until 54yo my mother had left a train wreck in my life and my sisters life. My mother ruined my first wedding in 1985. She sued her brother instead of rining him to sort out family mess etc etc.

    I only found the real issue when someone told me to google

    waif queen witch hermit

    But that doesn't mean your mum has the same issues.

    We tolerated comments about the partner she wanted us to have, that we were never good enough, the manipulation, the negativity, all got too much. But the dividing of my sister and I was nearly the end. My sister and I pledged to never be divided again and it was only time when my mother rang with yet another false medical diagnosis , an argument, then straight away ringing my sister to get support against me, This happened all out lives. But when she threatened to ruin my next marriage in 2011 the line was drawn. I even got and AVO out to ensure she didn't turn up as threatened, in the park, to ruin everything.

    So, to answer your question- drift away. Don't answer her calls if you don't want to (she might hound others then), if she starts a rant calmly walk out and drive off. in short- draw your own line of tolerance and support. That way you are giving yourself every opportunity to tolerate her on your terms, not hers.

    This might seem a method to disrespect her. Not so. It is a method to tolerate her with a likely ongoing medical condition of which you are not privy to what it is, because she wont get help.

    We tend to not place such judgements on others as it seems too harsh but they themselves cause it. Be firm, direct, calm and fair. Your health is number one. You might find if you had a diagnosis that your own problems stem from this erratic behavior.

    google

    Topic: does stubbornness have a place?- beyondblue

    Topic: is there any room for stubbornness?- beyondblue

    Good luck. You can reply on those threads or reply here if you choose.

    Tony WK

  3. Mrs K
    Mrs K avatar
    3 posts
    27 April 2018 in reply to white knight
    Thanks for your advice Tony. Due to my own medical problems, I am living with my mum and dad, so it's hard to distance myself. I don't want to abandon her, I just want her to get better. The subject has never been broached with her, and given she has not yet gotten out of bed today (it's 10.30am, she's usually up and at em before 8) I feel like last night she may have realised something needs to change. I just don't know how to bring it up, but something has to happen. My dad does not help, just tells her to shut up when she starts ranting.
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9398 posts
    27 April 2018 in reply to Mrs K

    Hi Mrs K,

    Thankyou for filling in the gaps. Sometimes a second post brings with it a wider picture.

    I haven't got more suggestions. Unfortunately (I'm a baby boomer 62yo) those around my age group and even younger, treat mental illness as something other people get or it is seen with a certain stigma. Those views are difficult to penetrate.

    You could consider seeking out a pamphlet and placing it on a coffee table. The other thing you can do, its a little radical, to tell her you are going to seek counseling. When she asks why you can say- "well I think I need to learn to cope with you mum, you are welcome to come with me if you like, I'd love that". Then at the sessions the counsellor will suggest a Dr's appointment.

    I'm sorry I cant be of more assistance. But we are here to talk if you ever would like to repost.

    Tony WK

  5. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1617 posts
    28 April 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hi Mrs K

    I'm so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation with your mum. You are obviously a kind, caring person and I can tell that you love your mum very much.

    If you can't talk to mum maybe you could try writing her a letter. You would be able to express your feelings and engineer some time/space before the "rant". This might give mum time to absorb your concerns before speaking and maybe the conversation will be more productive.

    It's a really tough situation. Can you talk with other extended family members? I'm hoping that they could provide you with some much needed moral support.

    We are always here, too. Happy to talk anytime

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Mrs K
    Mrs K avatar
    3 posts
    28 April 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Thanks for your replies. I had written a letter not too long ago but fear of the reaction got the better of me. I might revisit that idea. I was having trouble with not coming accross as aggressive and cruel, but I will try and keep it very simple, and express my concerns rather than point out all the things that frustrate me.

    I also might consider taking her to a session with me.

    Thank you.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5894 posts
    28 April 2018 in reply to Mrs K

    Mrs K,

    I hope that you don't mind if I ask some questions.

    How often do you get to have deep conversations with your parents? By this, I mean, not talking about the weather, kids, school, movies and other things. ie have morning tea or lunch with her, and start by telling her

    how concerned you are for

    ...

    with the view to making an appointment to see a GP. And if you are right, I won't raise the matter again, but if I am write can we look further into the matter>

    Two things will happen. Either she will listen or get up and leave. If you are concerned about the latter, how would it go if you went out together for coffee or similar? There are a number of reasons why going out is easier, not least of which is the distractions at home that can be used as crutch or prevent a proper conversation.

    I also like the idea of writing a letter or dropping a pamphlet somewhere can find it.

    It is also possible that she does not want to admit of the possibility? Despite how common it appears these days, the fact that it is not really spoken about you would think it was a very rare disease. That could be another lead into the conversation.

    On reflection I think that you would need to lure (without being malicious) her into the conversation. And then have the heart to heart conversation.

    To be perfectly honest, if I am stuck in a bad spot, I will write wife an email and then we can talk about it later. Why? when I write the ideas come out on paper they are in the right order. When I speak, I have 10 things coming out at once sometimes.

    Smallwolf

  8. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1617 posts
    29 April 2018 in reply to Mrs K

    Hi MrsK

    I think you're right to be careful about the wording of your letter. Maybe your psych could help you polish it up to keep it safe and helpful? Just a thought.

    Let us know how you get on. Kind thoughts to you

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