Hi and welcome Yellow Rose to our caring community;
What a beautiful avatar! The yellow rose is one of my favourite flowers.
It takes courage to ask for help as you have so kudos for reaching out. I'm wondering who's behaviour you're wanting to change; yours or your husbands?
If it's ok, I'd like to relay something from my past to assist you in understanding how we can change circumstances we think are out of our control.
My mother's a very aggressive woman and I was tormented by helplessness at how to change the way she'd treated me most of my life. I couldn't say "No" to her when she ask me for money due to fear of consequences; she's a bad gambler and uses cruel words to punish.
I was around 35; we were driving back from Sydney and when nearly home, she asked me for money. I held the steering wheel tightly and began to sweat profusely. I had it in my mind to say no for a while and decided in that moment it was time.
Nervously the word came out; "No". She said she didn't hear me. She asked again and again I said "No". Well, the insults, rage and threats began and thru it all I just kept repeating myself.. "No!" "No!" "No!"
Eventually she told me to stop the car so she could get out and what was my response? You got it; "No!!"
I told her I'd buy food if she needed it or pay a bill, but refused to give her cash as she'd gamble it away and wouldn't pay it back. I stayed resolute until I dropped her off at home.
This caused conflict for her as she didn't know how to cope. I left her with my new sense of freedom and confidence. Our relationship got better because she never asked me for money for around 20 yrs, and when she did, she told me what it was for and would pay it back immediately, which she did.
We can't change people; we can only change our own words, thoughts and behaviour. If things turn out then great! If they don't, we've done our best, been true to ourselves and that's a wonderful feeling.
It's not an overnight success by any means, but sticking to our values and needs is learned behaviour for most when it comes to demanding loved ones. It takes time and persistence but the effort is so worth it.
I hope you gained something from my story YR.
All my best; hope to hear from you soon;