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Topic: My strength is slowly diminishing ...

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    2 June 2021

    I posted on here a few months ago and well I guess I just need to vent or some support or just be heard , I'm not sure. My husband of 4 years (been together 8 years) has mental health issues , he has been hospitalized before (early 2018) for a breakdown mostly induced from excessive use of marijuana and untreated childhood trauma. He has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but I also believe he has NPD. We have a 2.5 year old boy who is my absolute world.

    The first few years of our relationship was very tumultuous and toxic. I myself suffer from mental health issues and anytime things got bad I would self harm(in the past) or think of worse. I'm not that person anymore. I have grown a lot since then and have better knowledge/tools to deal with stress/issues etc. However, eventhough it has been years, my husband continues to bring up the past calling me a suicidal w**re or worse names. Says he is feeling that way now because of me and I somehow poisoned him to think that way. I know it's not possible but there's only so many times you can hear the same detrimental thing over and over again. The past 1.5 years he has started smoking weed again along with making bad decisions, and he has again started being verbally and emotionally abusive towards me to the point I need to block his messages daily as it's very distracting at work and I'm trying to set boundaries. He blames me for every single thing gone wrong in his life to the point of him putting on weight, losing friends, not speaking to family, smoking weed, gambling, being anger and having bad thoughts towards me. Calls me every single name under the sun. And either gives me silent treatment and ignores me or just goes off on a rant to try and break me. Because I don't like to retaliate and cuss , I either ignore/block him or I speak to him in a supportive manner and remind him we are his support but he constantly calls me the devil and snake and manipulative woman. I am slowly losing my patience and I'm just over it as now I have my child I don't have the time or energy to waste on his toxic behaviour and by protecting myself and ignoring him, makes me feel like I'm doing more harm towards him by not being the constant support I always was. We are 35 years old and I want a partner someone I can talk to, who helps without being asked , who is reliable and empathetic, and I am just so angry now because he is none of it. And constantly blames me! I don't have intentions of leaving but I'm so sad

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5944 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73
    Hi bluerose73,

    We are sorry to hear that you are still dealing with the abuse of your husband, particularly for things that you have done in the past. It sounds like you have worked so hard to work through a lot and worked hard to obtain the tools/strategies that you have learned throughout the years. It must be very daunting to hear your husband call you such harsh names and put you down due to things he is dealing with. We can only imagine how heartbreaking that must be. 

    You can always call 1800RESPECT if you need to chat about your experience with domestic or family violence and abuse.to get support. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    We are here to support you and you are not alone. 
     
  3. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose,

    I'm really sorry to hear how much you're going through right now with your current relationship. You've done all you can in your strength to try and keep the relationship, to be a loving and supportive partner to your current spouse. And it must be tough when your spouse is having difficulties of their own, and cannot appreciate or be the supportive partner that you had hoped for. Plus the verbal abuses that you're getting from your partner, that's the opposite of being 'supportive', and it's deteriorating your health, and breaking the bonds of the relationship. You're also working a job, and taking care of your child too. That takes a lot of effort to be able to juggle all those while trying to care for your spouse. I really admire the strength and courage that you have to be able to do all those...

    Please take care of yourself first before caring for others who have complicated and difficult needs. You deserve all the love from yourself during these difficult times. There may come a time where you have to make a difficult decision, but I believe you'll be able to make the right choice for what you feel is right for yourself. Stay strong bluerose! I'm always happy to listen to you.

    Jt

  4. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thank you , I will keep those suggestions in mind..
  5. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thank you for your response. It's been a couple of days now without any communication for him besides the odd hi in the morning . Without fail, I always kiss him while he is asleep and I'm leaving for work as I've always had the thought what if something bad was to happen to him or me , I wouldn't want to leave the house angry. And no matter the fights or degrading way he treats me, on the weekends I will make him his coffee/tea and brekkie and even sometimes bring it to bed for him. I do things that I would like to be done for myself without expecting any in return. It just makes me feel good as a person and no matter what he says/do , I don't want it to impact me in a way that would change my personality/thinking you know? If I die tomorrow (God forbid), I want to know that I've lived my life being the person I want to bed and trying to do good/be nice whenever possible without regrets. Small things matter a lot to me, and I always look at doing things for people or treating people the way I would want to be treated. I've begun to accept I would never have the respect and love that I share with him though. How sad is that?

    For so many years I have endured his abuse. And for so many years I let it devour and break me. Now, I'm a different person and yet he constantly tries to break me and blame me and I will admit that there are vulnerable moments where I begin to think, is it me? Am I really a horrible wicked evil witch? I work full-time, I do all the house chores, I manage all our finances, I make all the plans and appointments for the whole family, I organise all our lives, I don't smoke, gamble or drink, I manage my son's various food allergies (all food prep from scratch and daily dosage of allergens as I am working with a doctor on desensitizing him) and that's no easy feat to feed a 2.5 yr old the same thing everyday! I don't waste our money unnecesarily , I keep in contact with his and my family, I have good friends and support , I look after myself physically , try and eat well and my days are packed to the brim! I literally have to actually list down all the things I do , to see where it is and what makes me this bad person he makes me out to bed? Tell me, does someone here know the NPD traits? I truly believe he is one but would like to know more about it..

  6. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose,

    What you've just described, is an amazing example of "unconditional love". I could feel the warm, care and love that you've provided your partner and child just from reading your post. It's truly amazing what the power of love is capable of when given unconditionally, and that is living proof that you are not a horrible wicked evil witch. You're a wonderful and beautiful soul bluerose, and it breaks my heart even more to read about what you're currently going through at the moment.

    I'm sorry I'm not well informed about what NPD is, so I'm not able to answer your question on what are the NPD traits. I think Google may provide some answers to that, and perhaps it might help provide you some info on the NPD traits, and also how to help someone with NPD. I'd recommend what Sophie_M has mentioned about contacting 1800RESPECT. You deserve a healthy relationship, and one of the signs of a healthy relationship is "respectful".

    Jt

  7. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    3 June 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862
    Yes, respect. I do believe that. I don't respect him now though. After no communication for 2 days, he has just sent a gif that says 'i am not addicted to weed, i am addicted to happiness, and weed makes me happy' . Coming from a 35 year old married man with mental health issues who thinks everyone else are sheep and losers and he is a leader and boss. I don't know how to respond to that gif so I'm not going to. I actually understand now why some people emotionally cheat , I would never do that or want to but I understand the reasoning as there's only so much I can keep within myself. I'd like to be able to just talk to my partner about my day, or gossip or talk about mundane things without every single thing being scrutinized and me thinking twice or thrice about what I'm going to say and if I'm wording it correctly or if he could get offended by it!
  8. jtjt_4862
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose,

    You're right, there's only so much that you can keep within yourself, and bottling up your emotions can be detrimental to your mental health as well. You have the right to maintain your boundaries, and communicate when your boundaries have been crossed. Since your partner has crossed one of your boundaries, would you be able to share how you feel about him?

  9. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2194 posts
    4 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose73

    You're such an amazing person, an inspiration. I wish the world was jam packed with people like you. What a beautiful world that would be :)

    Do you feel like you're outgrowing your husband and his behaviour? Do you feel as you grow (with your child) and evolve your consciousness to higher levels, you're kinda leaving him behind? Do you think he senses this? Do you feel like screaming 'I'm sick of taking responsibility for your emotions and your behaviour, it's time you started taking responsibility for them!' While you're growing up to new levels, do you feel like saying to him 'It's time you grew up too'? Never allow him to lead you to doubt yourself. Truth is...YOU ARE AMAZING! I know this because you amaze me with your brilliance. You really do radiate something special and I bet your child feels this.

    One of the things I've come to learn is - Be careful who you play 'follow the leader' with. If someone's constantly leading you to doubt yourself or leading you to feel down, don't follow their lead. If someone's leading you to feel inspiration or leading you to find the best in yourself, enjoy playing. Play more with the people who are naturally going to raise you. Be raised, not brought down.

    Something else I've come to learn involves the benefits of looking at my 'faults'. It took me years to come to look closer at the faults in that 'People pleaser' mental program in my head, a program a lot of us are taught. There's absolutely nothing wrong with pleasing people as long as we're not seriously depriving our self of something. I spent years pleasing my husband in certain cases just to avoid having him crack the poos. I eventually realised this form of people pleasing was interfering with (1) my own wellbeing and (2) his need to look closer at his own faults. For example, just say you want to go to a particular place because you absolutely vibe up through it and your husband never wants to go because he can't be bothered. The fault here would involve his refusal to gain a sense of feeling how you feel. You could then say 'Dude, you really need to work on the skills that come with empathy'. By the way, I bet you're a great empath. You could imagine your comment would be triggering. People are either triggered to higher consciousness or defensiveness. I bet you're the sort of person who loves to be triggered to higher consciousness. You have a gift, the gift of an open mind. Always be careful what or who you let in.

    :)

  10. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Hi therising,

    Thank you for responding. Yes I do feel like I'm outgrowing my husband and his behaviour. I do feel like I am living him behind while moving forward with my child (don't know if this is a good thing sometimes or maybe the reason why he is vile towards me). I do think he senses this as he constantly says that I'm happy seeing him miserable (I'm not). And all of the above about screaming to him to be responsible and grow up is everything I wish I could just somehow drill into his head.

    I have great friends and great family support(although my family don't know what's going on with my husband) and they always make me feel proud of myself and achievements.

    You word things very eloquently and yes I do know I'm a people pleaser, although as I grow older I find myself less feeling the need to be a people pleaser instead and prioritising my son and myself more. I still can't find it in me to let it go with my husband though. He has said everything horrid under the sun to me but if he feels so strongly, why does he stay? Why does he put me through this torment eventhough I don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction? Why is he apologetic one day (Monday saying he is sorry and will work hard on changing his bad habits) and so angry/full of hatred the next (Thursday saying he hates me wishing he never married me , resents everything about me, I made him mentally and physically ill, I'm a snake, I'm a demon, I'm manipulative, I'm a w88re) ? This is while I still cook for him, am trying to deregister a business he set up (which he shouldn't have but doesn't know how to deregister) and so he adds onto my plate but then says I make his life harder?

    I don't understand this. I know many others go through this too and so it feels relieving to share on here and hear other's peoples experiences, similar or not. It feels nice to know I'm not alone in this..

  11. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2194 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose73

    Don't our kids grow us beautifully?! They grow us into being more patient, loving, adventurous in certain ways, curious and questioning, wonderful (wondering about some amazing things) and the list goes on.

    Husbands can also raise us in some outside the square ways, which I've come to discover with my own husband. While he's not horribly abusive and obviously degrading, he has tested me in many ways over the years. If there is one thing I am grateful to him for, besides being an excellent provider, it's how he's led me to become more conscious of disappointment.

    While he's a huggy and kissy person who often proclaims to love me (which I believe he does in his own way), that's pretty much where the effort stops. Over the years I have faced the sadness that comes with no adventure or romantic weekends away, as he proclaims that's just not him (adventurous or romantic). I've faced the frustration and sometimes abusive arguments that can come when I push for necessary change and growth, frustration and arguments based on the fact he prefers to fight for sameness. I've faced a serious lack of excitement and wonder in a partner, based on the fact that he doesn't see the point in wondering and doesn't feel the need for excitement and as far as plans for the future go, he plans simply for us to grow old together. Bluerose, if you're anything like me, you'll want to be growing young (re-membering yourself) not growing old.

    May sound strange but my husband has led to the art of 'disappointment'. Yes, I've discovered there's an art to it, a skill set. While once I appointed my husband to the roles of adventurer, romantic, visionary, wonderer etc, I've gradually come to disappoint him from these roles. I've also disappointed myself from the role of 'She who loves unconditionally'. May sound horrid, but I love conditionally. The condition of love for me involves loving actively, which I do wholeheartedly. It can't just be about words when you're raising a person through love.

    If you wonder about the roles you've given to your husband over the years, are there some you could think of consciously disappointing him from? Perhaps the best place to start involves the roles he refuses to fill. Maybe 'He who will grow/evolve with me'. I bet that's a role your child will be more than happy to fill. What roles would you like to disappoint/free yourself from?

    Disappointment can be a painful process, involving some grief, yet it can also be gradually liberating.

    :)

  12. bluerose73
    bluerose73 avatar
    10 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to therising
    So today I told/ begged my husband to leave and stay with his dad. And I feel relieved but also scared... he keeps throwing divorce in my face, and says he doesn't love me. But from momentary actions and words he says here and there when he is lucid , a part of me believes it isn't true. He hates me so much and says I'm the reason he is going crazy and I'm the reason he is smoking weed and I'm the reason he doesn't have anyone in his life because nobody likes me. I know it isn't the truth then why does it still hurt to hear those things? Why do I bother crying ? I'm so beyond over him and his ways , but a part of me still wants to make it work. His blaming towards me is killing me though.... I cannot take it anymore
  13. jtjt_4862
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    310 posts
    15 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose73,

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're still suffering. I admire your persistence and the continuous unconditional love that you're providing to your husband, despite the hurl of abuse that he has thrown to you. It's also great to see that you've requested your husband to leave and stay with his dad. That's a really courageous move of you, and a sense of your inner self shouting to you for some self-love. Perhaps some time away from each other may give you both some space to process thoughts as well.

    Have you thought about taking Sophie_M's suggestion and contacting 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ? While it may be intimidating to be seeking out professional help, they'll be able to give you some great advice on how to proceed forward with your current situation. If it helps in any way, think of it as, you're contacting 1800RESPECT for the sake of everyone in your household (that includes you, your children, and your husband).

    Jt

  14. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2194 posts
    15 June 2021 in reply to bluerose73

    Hi bluerose

    I wish I was there with you, encouraging you to have more of a vent, one of those vents that takes you all the through to finally seeing only the best in yourself.

    I actually feel myself on the verge of one of these kinds of vents. I suppose if you were to call it 'a significant emotional vent', in a way you could then say it's a major e-vent (event) in your life, one that involves letting go of a lot of the pain, a lot of the loss. Kind of like an enormous overwhelming heart wrenching sobbing cleanse in some way. it's a way of letting go of a lot of the lies we've come to kind of, in some way, believe about our self. The lies may be 'You're unreasonable, you're a bi#ch, you're too challenging, you make my life so hard' and so on. Venting this kind of stuff makes way for the truth, perhaps 'You're reasonable in ways that simply aren't recognised, you're intolerant of neglect and abuse, you're challenging in all the ways you need to be, hardship is most difficult when there is resistance' and so on.

    I'm wondering if you can relate: It's hard to have a clear positive vision of the future when fear can feel overwhelming. For me, there are times where I see my life without my husband and I see financial struggle and hardship, which I fear. The part time job I have will not be enough and I will have to leave it in search of full time work. I do enjoy my job to some degree. I fear having to lose that job in favour of another. Even though we don't have much to do with each other, I fear the loneliness will challenge my mental health. There are times where I think 'Better to be with someone than alone'. Again, I wonder if you can relate in some ways.

    I also wonder whether the part of you that wants to make it work is the part that sees the best in people, the part that sees that others can change, the part that feels responsible for making things work, the part that loves love and wants to feel it so deeply, the part that hopes and the part that holds so much more of the good stuff. I believe this is the part we carry with us no matter who we are with or without. Without him, this is still you - you who seeks and sees the best, the need for change, responsibility, love, hope an so much more.This is the truth of who you are. Whether you decide to remain with him or not, remember his words do not change the truth.

    :)

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