Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Tolerant partners

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    20 April 2017

    There's no denying it, a partner with mental illness needs tolerance. The more tolerance the smoother life will be.

    Unfortunately, empathy isnt an individuals priority. It's normal to think of yourself first for you carry your body around not your partners, you do so many tasks without your partner present...so focussing on yourself has to be ok. And that is amplified by the one who has the mind issues for we are not only trying to carry out the bare basics of living chores, we are battling our demons.

    So where is there room for our partners? Do we contribute enough to feed their needs of love comfort, enjoyment and care? Maybe not. And if not, what can we do to compensate as insurance they will hang around.

    Our partners deserve love care and enjoyment. But there we are with our special needs, extra sleep, moodiness, frustration medications with their side effects of zombiness! It all adds up to more work for your partner. A lonely existence at times.

    I visited a new GP once. After the general info about my conditions he turned to my wife "and how are you travelling"?

    One of my suggestions is to... "grease the cherry tree" Thats an old saying but it means to prime your partners needs to avoid conflict. A revamp of effort every few weeks will keep the mechanisms of your unit in good shape...kind of reward for those extra bits of effort your partner has put in. And you will benefit to.

    A candle lit dinner, words of appreciation, a surprise day out that could be a simple picnic. What about offering to be a caddy when he plays golf? Or cheering her when she plays basketball? Your presence is gold.

    Too impossible? You'll need to wait until you are on the upside of a depressive cycle'just the time to spring into action!

    The ideas can be endless. One friend of mine with anxiety plays a game of Monopoly every week. Its what her partner loves to do. It unites them. No phones, no TV, no distractions. After the game he tells her of his appreciation for her patience and also asks her what plans she has for the coming weekend.

    The proviso with plans is always that you'll be well enough to participate. But you can live your lives with a mental illness together in relative harmony rolling with the waves of disruption far better with empathy from both sides. The "well" partner sacrifices an enormous amount of extra effort to get out of the relationship their own needs

    Try to supply them what you can to make their life enjoyable. Its part of "loving"

    Tony WK

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to white knight

    Another great thread Tony.

    I admire your thoughtfulness. The struggling mind often sees little but its own struggles. However, one of the ever recurring complaints around the forums is the issue of feeling alone, misunderstood, unsupported. How battling alone can stall the healing process, even make the fight seem pointless.

    Thank you so much for pointing out the important role of tolerant, patient partners. They do indeed deserve our respect and appreciation.

    A standing ovation to them.

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Kazzl
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Kazzl avatar
    1873 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to white knight

    Nice one Tony. I am blessed with a very patient and supportive partner and I know how fortunate I am. But I do need reminding sometimes not to take his care for granted.

    One thing I'd add to your excellent thoughts and suggestions is that sometimes our partners need time out from us, and we shouldn't wait for them to ask, we should suggest it, especially if we see them getting frazzled.

    Thank you for this excellent thread.

    Cheers

    Kaz

    4 people found this helpful
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to Kazzl

    Thanks Starwolf

    Kaz, too right. Respite is crutial. Suggesting to your partner to go fishing or meeting girlfriends for lunch "releases them" from what they could feel is a world of obligation, of over work or of constant empathy...all for an illness they cannot see.

    A tough ask.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to white knight

    Thanks for the thread.

    I think that I have understood how demanding I am at times and so I withdraw to rest so I dont start an argument. I also realise my partner has needs and I should be respectful of his.

    I also try to be as honest as I can.

    quirkywords

  6. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirkywords

    Honesty is great. Measured tactful gentle communication can be an art form to.

    "I'm going to bed early, not feeling 100%. Enjoy your shows and thanks for dinner. ..it was appreciated"

    My thread Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue is another one worth reading (use google)

    Withdrawing to rest means you have insight to your symptoms, to your less controlled exterior/reactions. Our temperament can expose our moods. Well done.

    Having insight to your mental illness means you are one of the lucky ones. Its a gift. Without it we havent got the ability to recognise our own behavior on our loved ones. Thats when they suffer more, alone.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11215 posts
    20 April 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony

    I have always been envious of you as you have a wonderful and tolerant partner...I just havent been as fortunate as you to meet one (yet) as perfection is their priority....and with an MI that is a big ask when I meet someone.

    Great post (again) TonyWK

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  8. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    21 April 2017 in reply to white knight

    Tony,

    I have developed an insight over 40 years but I still have times when I say the wrong thing and have absolutely no awareness how my behaviour affects others.

    Thanks for your kind words.

    Paul

    I think it is better to be alone than with an unsuitable - not the right word but it will do- partner. I ended one relationship as I felt I had worked too hard and too long to have my mental health undermined by a partner.

    I am on my third major relationship so am trying very hard this time to learn from my mistakes.

    I find if you have a mental health label, things can be blamed on that even if it is not true or fair.

    Take care everyone

    Qyuirkywords

    1 person found this helpful
  9. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    21 April 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi again

    "Foot in mouth" disease as its called. Years ago I was incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD (it was in fact mania) and I read a book called "ADHD in adults" by Weiss. It says adhdcauses foot in mouth as the brain isnt engaged when speaking. It meant a lot of sense.

  10. RKcare
    RKcare avatar
    3 posts
    6 December 2017 in reply to white knight
    Thankyou so much :,) i needed to read this to feel appreciated xx
  11. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    7 December 2017 in reply to RKcare

    And thankyou for taking the time to show such appreciation. If you have any issues RKcare, consider posting them

    Tony WK

  12. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9212 posts
    14 July 2020 in reply to white knight

    Does anyone have s very tolerant partner? Or is your partner or friends not tolerable to your illness, please share your experience

    TonyWK

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up