Hi all .. as the title suggests.

Firstly, thanks to BB for being here. I've phoned before, but sometimes writing thoughts, and feelings, are better than words. Not wanting to bore you with "all" that grieves me, I would rather just say at this point is that I need some support with some issues that BB deals with.

I suffer from anxiety, badly (to the point of being carted off to hospital by Ambulance a few times), taking medication in the mornings seems to settle it, and I self medicate after work with alcohol. (Yeah, I know)

This affliction, the anxiety, is affecting my home life, which makes me sad. I am seeing a psychologist, randomly (due to work and a few other issues) which isn't really helping (the Psych visits that is) in any way, bar, making me delve into my mind and memory for triggers. But this thing seems to be a monster that just rears itself, at almost any given time and circumstance.

The only time I seem to be able to hide from it is in solitude. In fact, solitude is where I seem happiest at the moment. When I mentioned the idea of taking some "me time" the Psych said it would be interesting to see if anything changed.

I shipped my motorbike (my other affliction) overseas, took some long service leave and picked up my bike overseas and rented a small apartment by my myself for 10 days. Those 10 days were bliss. No work, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and exploring parts of the world I'd never been before on my motorbike.

No need to please anyone but myself ........ selfish? Maybe.

I then met up with some mates, and spent a couple of weeks with them, partially in solitude, as we rode motorcycles around Europe together.

But returning to reality, and the daily routine, has hit with a blow and I want to run from both. I hear the monster coming back again.

Hi Rock-Me-Hard Place

Welcome to BB.

No I don't think your are selfish at all. Anxiety is extremely painful and debilitating at times. People can't see it, but one feels it. Going off to the hospital in an ambulance tells me exactly how debilitating it was for you. My heart goes out to you.

Solitude is often a place I seek when PTSD, anxiety and depression hit me. In part I think it's because I feel safe. Being with others for me is often a diversion too and I know things will still be there when I'm on my own. This is because the pain of anxiety is so strong sometimes that my heart literally feels like it's going to explode. But I know it's not, as I start to breath and relax. That pounding settles.

For me that anxiety was at it's worst when I started looking at what it was that caused it in the first place. It was horrible. The work I did with my psych brought up things that increased my anxiety for many months (years). However, I found when I put a lid on these things, e.g. tried to hide away by diverting my thoughts, the anxiety became even worse.

For me, I had to look at the 'muck' to 'clean' it out of my system. That muck caused shame, guilt, anger, hate. Dealing with all these emotions was hard because I had to learn what each one was. The childhood trauma meant I never learnt how to feel these emotions properly. It's awful learning in your 50s.

How do you think you would go at exploring your emotions a little more? It seems you've got the courage to post here and to even offer support. You are a brave soul.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Thanks PamelaR

Exploring my emotions more?

My emotions are there to be explored ........ although they are somewhat un-chartered territory. Hahaha.

Ahh, I see. Emotions are very difficult to get to. Learning about them is difficult and you know from what you've written, you are already experiencing some I suspect, that's why you talk about the monster coming back again. What is that monster to you?

The monster is the mental and physical affects that anxiety has on me.

I sat down with my wife and tried to explain what I experience, and she was very supportive, but still doesn’t understand, because I don’t either.

Sometimes it’s like I have tornadoes in my head, they pick up things I hear from people and situations, as they grow in size with all this debris swirling around inside I can’t concentrate, feel confused, and physically dizzy and my body shakes, and I just want to be alone, so that I’m not sucking up all the debris.

very hard to do when my job involves dealing with people and machinery And solving problems associated customers machines. Then dealing with those under me at work, sometimes I get caught up in their issues, be they work or personal. But that’s my job.

But at the end of the day, my mind is full of the days debris and sharing a conversation with anyone is almost painful.

I distance myself from my family, and that hurts, and that gets picked up by the tornadoes and is just added to the rest of the days, weeks, months debris.

Hey

I really suffered with anxiety, I was like you and treated my anxiety with tablets and alcohol which ended in me almost over dosing in hospital. I think I really enjoyed the quiet as well, when no-one was around I felt it made life a little easier. I'm still struggling with a lot of things but have found routine really helps me. I wish you all the best