When I hit 19 I gained 20 kilos in one year. Now I'm turning 21 this year in July. Honestly these have been the worst 2 years of my life and I have never felt so miserable. Every night I go to sleep and I can't help but think how much I hate myself and how worthless I am and how much I suck at life in general. Since gaining on weight - I am so embarrassed about how ugly I've become that I have hid away. If I don't have to work or go to uni then I do not leave my house. For this reason, I have lost all my friends because I just don't want to go out and socialize. I never do any of the things I like anymore (I used to looove shopping but now it just makes me more depressed). Every one on social media are posting photos of them at parties and music festivals and it kills me that I can't go. I started university this year and it has been so hard making friends because I am not myself anymore... and I just can't shake this feeling that no one would want to be friends with me because I'm ugly and fat. I miss being confident.. I miss being myself.

I know the obvious answer here is to get up off my fat butt and do something about it but it's not that easy. I cannot stop eating I have no self control. Every night I tell myself I'm going to get up tomorrow and do exercise and then tomorrow rolls around and I find myself sitting in McDonald's drive through ordering a cheeseburger and nuggets. I literally cannot help myself, it's like my body has a mind of its own.

I'm not really sure what my question is here. I guess I just needed to tell someone what's on my mind since I have no one else...

Hi kay.laaa

You don't really need a question, and I can totally sympathise with you as to your predicament. I've been through this feeling a few times and it didn't even seem to get any easier with each next time. Firstly, let me compliment you on your McDonalds choice, Cheeseburgers are my favourite and nuggets second. With barbeque sauce. Mmmm. But I ordered 3 cheeseburgers and 2 boxes of nuggets. It feels so good to eat food (and my mum's a good cook too dammit!), but then I hate myself for the weight gain. I'm shortish, but I went 20kgs from age 12 to 14 and totally lost my self esteem. My solution at that age wasn't a very good one but I lost the weight so that was fine for then... for another few years. Age 23-ish I found myself in the same boat. Yuk. I tried the gym til I tore my muscles on weights and couldn't get out of bed becuase I'd been walking on the treadmill for hours. Guess what, I ended up doing the same again. Yeah, I lost the weight but more shame. Yuk. Age 28-ish I started to feel 'porky' again. I got myself the most wonderful bloke in the world to motivate myself to lose weight, he was an ex athlete and had a body to die for. Great! Nope. As I worked to maintain a healthy lifestyle, eat less and only at meal times, I found out he wasn't what he seemed. I ate. Oh dear. Once again my weight went up, I found something else I could feel good about- my BRAIN. And joined the gym again. But in the mean time my counselling made me feel good about who I was, so even when I hated that I felt too fat for comfort, I loved that I'd had someone call me in tears who finished up in laughter...

Guess what, I've given it the time it needed because I've allowed it. I started to lose weight. Just a kilo every couple of weeks, but it all helps and after you lose the first kilo it feels *really* good. That's when you start feeling like maybe you'll give Maccas a miss... In the mean time, take smaller bites. Take an hour to eat the cheeseburger (and at least you don't find yourself opening up a bag of potato chips afterwards). Really enjoy it. Eating does cost, so make sure you get your money's worth from it in happiness. But you are not your eating and you are not your body. You are YOU.

What are you good at? What do you like doing? Can you make the most of one of these things to take your mind off food and weight? Is there something you've always wanted to do?

Let me know how you're going, I'd love to hear from you again.

Lazykh

PS- you could try exercising first thing in the morning before your stomach wakes up - that's what I do!!! :)))

Hi Kay.laaa

Welcome to BeyondBlue. Let me start by saying I totally understand. I have been in a pit of self loathing, because of a lot of things but my weight was definitely a contributing factor. I did manage to flip a switch sometime last October and I lost 10 kilos, but depression came back in full swing and I found myself in that pit again, with no motivation to get out. And, up until about 10 days ago, I was barely eating actual food, just chocolate. I hit a point of deep self hate and decided to try to exercise again. I am currently on that journey now, and it is full of "next times" It is difficult. I can only tell you that It will only work if you make that choice for yourself. And you can definitely, in very small doses, coax your way into it. I myself, have to listen to Nike's ad; Rise and Shine, to even think of motivation. There is also facebook tyoe social media solely for fitness for all levels, called UA Record. I have found motivation in the random posts on there. Today, I spent 10% of my workout lying on the floor instead of exercising. I am getting better.

As Lazykh said; you are definitely not your weight, or your eating habits. Maybe think of what your interests/goals are and try meeting people who have the same interests/goals. Maybe through a uni group? These are just suggestions, and definitely go at a pace you feel comfortable with. In the mean time, know that as long as you are here, you aren't alone.

Hi Anisssaa,

Don't feel like it's all too hard because of the bipolar. The only thing on that I wanted to mention is that if you're on medication and taking it as prescribed and you're still feeling the symptoms, you might not be on the best medication for you, or you might be on a great med, but not quite the right dose. Either way, I'd visit the GP that prescribed them and let him know that it's still a problem. Hopefully if you can take the bipolar out of the equation, the eating issue will get a lot easier to manage.

Re gastric banding, my mother has a friend whose daughter had a binge eating disorder and had the surgery. Unfortunately it didn't help her. For some it works, for some it doesn't. There are risks and side effects involved so make sure you ask about them at your appointment so you're well informed.

Stress plays a huge part in disordered eating, whether you eat too much or too little. Quite often it's a way that we can feel in control of a basically out of control life, or receive comfort from satiated taste buds when no other comfort is available. I'd advise having a look at mindfulness on wikipedia. There are a lot of easy to read books on the subject such as '8 Keys to Mindfulness' that I would recommend. Things get a lot easier when we're not so stressed. Different systems kick in to our body that reduce the ability for rational, logical thought and the reactive parts of the brain kick in instead. That's not great for sticking to ones well thought out resolutions. But it's also very normal and it's a struggle for everyone to override impulsivity and retain executive control over your brain!

Other than that, I still recommend thinking of something that you love doing and that makes you happy. It might be as simple as reading a book, getting a new pet etc. but it gives you something you can throw yourself into when you start to feel bad, and you won't have as much time to eat.

If you decide to diet again, I'd be really careful about losing 5-10kg in a week. Stopping eating 'cold turkey' isn't a good solution and can really damage your health, as well as causing huge increases in anxiety (bye bye executive thought processes). It's better to measure out a small portion of food, put the rest away and then STOP when you finish it. You can enlist friends or family to help you stick to your resolve!

Good luck with your appointment, your decision and the bipolar meds.

Lazykh