I feel for you so much as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life.
It's especially worrying to hear you mention 'even getting hit doesn't make me feel anything anymore'. Are you in a situation of abuse?
Does it feel like there are more things bringing you down, compared to the amount of things that could be raising you? How do you think life would feel if suddenly someone showed up and said I'm going to take you on a set of adventures (after this virus business) where everything is new and you get to know yourself in a whole new way? Do you think it would feel like when you first came to Australia? If you could imagine facing the challenges that come with courage and the pure joy that comes with a constant rise to excitement, how do you think you'd cope with this new version of yourself?
From personal experience, I believe one of the hardest things to do in life is be that person who takes us on such adventures. Often, we come to rely on others to take us to new physical, mental and emotional destinations. To do it for our self when where not exactly sure how to plan such a life can definitely leave us feeling pretty lost. How do we start? How do we find direction and courage? How do we raise our self when we've spent our life relying on others to raise us?
I believe the first and most important question that we can ask our self is not 'What do I want to do?' but rather 'Who do I want to be?' Of course, who we want to be can be influenced by the amount of independence we have, especially financially, although it costs nothing to begin planning our way toward our goals, toward that self we can feel so incredibly desperate to become.
At 49, I look around and note the many people in life who have lost inspiration for adventure. When greater responsibilities gradually take the place of inspiration, things can become pretty depressing. The little excitements or hobbies just don't cut it anymore. There can be a need for something so much bigger, to bring us to life again.
So, I ask you 2 questions that I am actually asking myself right now 'Who do you want to be?' and 'How are you going to plan becoming this person?' For me, I'm going to remember myself as someone who adds ventures (an adventurer) who will let no one bring me down and I'm going to begin planning through pure imagination as soon as I finish writing to you. Re-membering our self after we've been dis-membered from our natural inspirational self is a challenge.
Take care :)