I'm not sure why I am here or what I hope to gain from this. I just felt the need to reach out. It's been three weeks now since my fiance took his own life. He was an amazing person and was so kind, generous, thoughtful and lifted me up in my darkest days.
My fiance was the type of guy that made his presence felt wherever he went. Although he struggled with depression due to so many physical injuries he had sustained and through COVID, he always had faith that things would get better. We spent every day together, laughing dancing, going for walks... he'd pick me flowers and leave notes daily to show me he loved me.
The night before he passed I sensed he was low. He said he just needed to sleep it off and he'd be fine the next day. So in the morning I gave him a big hug and he reassured me he was feeling better. That was the last time I saw him.
The guilt I have has consumed me. How did I not see the signs? Why didn't I save him.? I shoud NOT have gone to work that day. Why didn't he call and talk to someone? He left a note saying he was too proud that he hated himself and the world is better without him. So untrue. Everyone can't believe it. He was the happiest, silliest person. So full of life. So motivational to all.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm low. I feel like I shouldn't be here. If I could trade places with him I would. He was the love of my life and spent every single day making me feel amazing. And just like that, he's gone.
I feel hollow. Empty. What is the point of life? I don't understand? I feel guilt and pain that is indescribable. I have been through loss before. I lost my father when I was 16. I thought I knew what pain was but this is a different level. He said he would always be by my side and that I was the reason he could smile every day. I failed him. And now my life is empty... hollow... numb.