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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Seperated and lost

Topic: Seperated and lost

  1. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    7 January 2022
    Hi I’m 45 seperated for a year from my husband of 8 years, when we first split I was so focused on what I wanted to do. I wanted my own place near my kids and grand kids etc I was walking 4 k everyday, I was chatting to other people felt like I was happy. But I couldn’t find somewhere to rent, after applying for over 30 houses, there were either too many applicants or I wasn’t earning enough. So I stayed in the marital home while he stayed in the motor home outside. He would come in the house and tell me how much he loved me etc etc but it was more yell at me his frustration. Then he would yell at me that he was going to kill himself . And he was very convincing that that was his plan. After a few not so great dates I had with other people I thought maybe I would give my husband another chance. Now I feel stuck and lost. Depressed and miserable. Stopped walking, stopped being happy. I also have lived with his dad for 8 years in the backyard which I loathe. Would be grateful for any tips advice wisdom a genie to grant wishes . Thanks Ali
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6832 posts
    7 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76
    Hi Ali,

    We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through with your relationship and the really difficult living situation. It sounds like it’s having some serious impacts on your wellbeing. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

    In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

    It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here between 11am-midnight. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

    Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  3. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    7 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Witchy76,

    A warm welcome to the forums. It must be incredibly frustrating and demotivating to have made a decision you were very happy with and then have circumstances beyond your control (and pressure from your partner) prevent you from being able to fully follow through. It sounds like you are slipping back to an unhappy space through no fault of your own and looking for a way to resolve your situation. I wonder if you would be eligible to access affordable or social housing? This might be an avenue worth pursuing and really the only practical advice I have to offer. Google 'family and community services housing' as a place to start. I know it is really hard to stay positive when you are trying everything you can and feeling like you are not making any progress though I would encourage you to try to keep walking if that has made you happy in the past and to try to do things you have found enjoyable. It really can lift your mood.

    My best wishes to you.

    WF

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    7 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Thank you for replying.
    I’m on a disibility pension for severe anxiety so maybe I would be eligible for some sort of housing help. I did fill out a form for cheaper rentals but never got a reply.

    thanks Again

  5. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    7 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Witchy76,

    I would say give it another try and see how you go. It would be great to hear how you got on with it if you feel you want to or are able to post. Google 'social housing application' also as there are a few links there which might be helpful.

    Good luck with it.

    WF

  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hello Ali, and thanks WF for replying.

    When you first split up you were feeling much better but due to lack of vacancies you stayed in the house, while he was in the motor home, however, the emotional abuse continued, but to give him another chance may be fine for a couple of weeks, but then it's back to how it was before you split up.

    To successfully get back together, major changes need to happen but it normally goes back to how it was and a 'foregone conclusion'.

    You can do as WF said or contact Anglicare who may be able to provide you with somewhere to live until you find another place to live.

    If you do move out then a decision regarding the house/motor home needs to be made, whether you sell both or if he wants to buy you out.

    Enjoy your time with your kids and grandkids.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Thank you for replying. Yeah I feel I have gone backwards. I have to prepare myself for his emotional abuse. I’m thinking of saving as much as I can and one day just taking everything I have to and don’t look back. He is a good person with a big heart but I see him as a friend, I don’t want to be intimate with him at all, all the times he’s upset me just flash before my eyes and I definitely don’t want to jump his bones.
    he is my second husband, I’m good friends with my first husband, I will need to plan more. The wait times for public housing is many years apparently and I have pets I can’t part with.
    hopefully. I can sort something out.

    thanks Ali

  8. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi thanks for replying,

    yeah I had a quick look today, my sister was offered a house after being on the list for 12 years. I don’t hold much hope there. Sadly

    I do get excited when I picture myself in a little unit or townhouse though. And then reality sets in and blah.
    I think I need a plan because he will just be emotionally abusive again. If he’s not home he asks his dad what I’m doing. He involved my daughter and he rang my sister looking for me when I tried to move on. I’m an adult and don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Is hard because I know as soon as I start the process he’s going to harass my kids and I don’t want to put that onto them. I know there’s worse problems to have, I’m sure I will sort mine. Not easy on a pension though.
    I will do what you suggested though , thanks Ali

  9. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hello Ali, thanks for getting back to us.

    I know where I live in the country I have a friend who I helped get into a housing unit some 10 or more years ago and he keeps my up to date, and the housing always say that there are no spare units to move in to, but he tells me there are at least 3 or 4 empty flats most of the time but as I say it's in the country.

    Rent in Melbourne is extremely high compared to rent in the country, but this might not suit you with kids and grandkids but is something to consider.

    You are responsible for yourself to look after, (except for your kids) and don't want to be held ransom by your husband.

    We lived on 8 acres but when the divorce went through we had to sell, so I had to move into a house to rent, I was going to buy a place but decided to rent for a while, something I never thought would happen and now rent a two bedroom flat as my physical capabilities have deteriorated, but if you told me when I was living on 8 acres that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed you.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  10. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Yes I live on 10 acres too in the country and all my kids are 2 hrs away and I miss them so I would love a unit closer to them to help with the school pick ups etc

    breaking up is hard enough as it is and then to have someone behave like that is hard because I care about everyone it hurts to see him hurting but then I’m miserable in the meantime. So I have to get my head around that. I’m in South Australia , so hope they have something for me somewhere. I have emailed Anglicare yay thanks Ali

  11. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    20 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi

    im still struggling with what to do. I have 2 dogs and an elderly cat. I have a friend who has offered me a room once the boarder moves out. But couldn’t take all of my animals with me.

    my seperated husband is monitoring my fuel use. I want to ring the domestic violence number but don’t want a scene. If he found out there definitely would be one.

    would prefer to move what stuff I have into storage and try save some money. But my fur babies are like my kids. How do you leave them behind?

    what a mess

    thanks for listening

  12. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    21 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Ali,

    I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't improved very much and now you have the dilemma of what to do with your pets when you move. At least you have the offer of alternative accommodation sometime hopefully in the near future. His monitoring of your fuel is concerning - is that so he can tell how far you have gone/who you might be visiting or is it a using money thing? You don't need to answer, that just seems very controlling. If you did ring the domestic violence number, I wonder if they would be in a position to find you emergency housing - I don't know, just a thought.

    Anyway, at least you are taking steps to move and formulating a plan even if things are moving a little slowly.

    Take care.

    WF

  13. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    25 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi thanks for replying

    yes very controlling but if I accused him of it he would deny it until blue in the face. I should never have started a relationship with him in the first place, I remember what he used to say he did to his ex wife’s car, red flags that I see now and overlooked then. Sigh

    what a pickle

    thanks for replying

  14. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    25 January 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    He also had an issue where I was getting my tyres fitted, too many fish in the pond there he goes. I have my ex husband there and we get along very well. Have kids together etc

    so I changed where I normally get my tyres fitted. Sigh

    i said about getting a rental to be nearer my kids and he was going to buy me a motorhome to stay in at caravan park and then take time off work and come with.
    doesn’t understand that I need time to myself.
    just need to focus and disappear

    sigh

  15. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    25 January 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hello Ali, just interested to know whether you have heard back from Anglicare as it's a place I also suggest.

    If you take up the offer of the motor home there are caravan spots that do allow pets, whether they allow 2 dogs and a cat you'll only know when you ask, but it's possible.

    In regards to reporting 'domestic violence' there are a couple of options, ring from somebody's house, pay phone or you can buy cheap mobile phones with a new phone number, just have a hiding spot where no one knows to store it.

    I hope Anglicare can provide you with a unit until you get yourself organised and sometimes there comes a time when your possessions in the house don't mean anything, your safety is much more important and these possessions could be obtained later on, just take care.

    Geoff.

  16. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    25 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    anglicare instructed me to ring domestic violence line. Just not great on phones and then repeating everything to someone else. Etc etc his ex wife had an affair and he sat down and made a plan to hurt her but his pastor friend walked in on that and talked him out of it. Red flags that I ignored , sigh. I’m just worried about causing more problems.
    a bus was his idea of coming with … not what I want.
    it was our anniversary the other day and I said I was still leaving and we were splitting and he said well least I won’t forget the date, I said no we have been split for a year but if you need to tell people that I broke up with you on our anniversary and make me out to be rude then so be it.

    next day he thinks we aren’t splitting anymore.
    so mentally draining.
    Sigh

    i will get there but I tend to take notes of things because I forget what he says to me. And that’s frustrating

    my cat and dog are elderly so I’m just hoping he would look after them.

    my chihuahua is a puppy I could return her to the breeder or possibly take with , not sure , it’s such a huge life changing step.

    or I can stay here and continue to be miserable, don’t want to be physical with him anymore. But he counts the days since last time , sigh

    thanks Geoff

  17. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    20 February 2022

    I’ve forgotten how to write a new post but I’m just wanting someone else’s opinion.it’s about the same person.

    My seperated husband and I go out for my sisters lunch today. Driving home as passenger I fell asleep, so husband decides to slam breaks on coming up to a bend and state out loud “oh shit there’s a corner”

    so wakes me up in a panic because I thought we were going to crash. 

    now is this just silly boy behaviour or a form of mental abuse?

    I kinda think I over react sometimes

    thanks for any opinions

    Ali

  18. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hello Ali, well for our separated husband to slam on the brakes while you're asleep could be deliberate and classified as mental abuse, but more so, pointing the air conditioner at a particular area of your body is not only ungrateful but also intimidating.

    It may happen to a young couple who have fallen in love and just playing around, but if you're separated it's certainly not a behaviour that's warranted nor respectful and certainly should not have done.

    It's not any way to entice a separated wife into favour at all, and when does silly boy behaviour become abuse.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  19. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for replying.

    I’ve been walking more lately so feel like my brain is becoming clearer.

    just laying in bed thinking what the hell. Then I think he gaslights me (think that’s the term) where he makes me think I’m losing it and he’s done nothing wrong.

    nobody can say I didn’t try

    🤦🏼‍♀️

  20. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Ali,

    I'm glad to hear you have started walking again because you mentioned earlier it was something that you took great pleasure from and it was something that made you feel happy. Honestly, his behaviour sounds like abuse to me and I don't think you are over-reacting. Maybe the walking has put you in a better place to phone the domestic violence line? I know it's painful to have to go over it all again to someone else but they might be able to help and find you a way to better living accommodation. Only you can decide when you are ready to do that. Maybe give it some thought.

    WF

  21. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Thanks for replying Waterfront

    ive always put up with things way too long. But walking is helping me get back to my ( I deserve better happy place) if that makes sense.
    i just need a plan. But he wants to sell house so me packing up my stuff and maybe storing it he would think nothing of it as I’m decluttering so that’s a start for me. And I will try to ring domestic violence people on Monday . See what they say.

  22. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Ali,

    It does make sense and it sounds like you are putting a plan together. Good for you. Some things are just baby steps but they still make us feel like we are heading in the right direction and you can only do things when you are ready and in the right space to do them. If you can, and feel you want to, please let us know how you go.

    Sending you good thoughts.

    WF

  23. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi waterfront

    I will keep you posted thanks for the help.

    one day at a time for me and yes sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining there’s a lot worse then me out there.

    will just keep plodding along.

    thanks

    ali

  24. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    11 April 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello

    just an update, I’m still here putting up with things sigh.

    he followed me on a morning walk once and I had no clue he was there, most people would yell out ‘wait up’ or would text I’m right behind you, but nope he was quite happy just to watch me.
    I havnt attempted to ring anyone about housing but I have saved some money so it’s a start I guess

    thanks

    Ali

  25. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    11 April 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hello Ali, walking behind you without knowing could be classified as emotional abuse, although I'm not qualified to say, but that's how I see it.

    Here we are talking with you, not anyone else, and yes, there are possibly other people worse off, but they have their own threads, here we are talking to you about this issue.

    If he wants to sell the property, then that's a way to leave him, but you need to talk with the solicitor and inform them.

    Ho did you go with DV people.

    Geoff.

  26. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    11 April 2022 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    mom yet to ring, don’t know what’s stopping me really.

    just had a nightmare, screaming out in my sleep someone’s trying to get me, in the dream I can’t talk. But in reality I’m breathing heavy and calling out etc not pleasant . Having one every month I reckon.

    sigh

    Ali

  27. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    11 April 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Ali,

    I'm sorry to hear that your situation hasn't improved though glad to hear you are still walking as it seems to help you feel better. I would say that the dreams/nightmares are your subconscious trying to work through what you are going through and a reflection of the way you are feeling about your relationship and needing to get yourself away from your ex partner and your living situation.

    I can't tell you what to do as it is for you to decide when you are ready. It might be time to make those phone calls. Your ex partner's behaviours are concerning. I wonder if there is a way to have someone be your advocate and make the calls for you or help you make them. I hope someone on BB might have some links or ideas they could share. Maybe talking to your GP for some referrals or the BB helpline. Sometimes, even reaching out to your local council for assistance might point you in the right direction.

    You'll do it when you are ready. Let us know how you go and our thoughts are with you.

    WF

  28. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    11 April 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi waterfront

    I think what makes it harder is he is great most of the time and then bam does something sketchy so I forget how mad I am with him etc and when it comes the time I should ring and leave I just feel so bad. I’m too nice

    but yes i have trouble making that phone call. I am a very anxious person though and I’m depressed . But I’m ok

    thanks for helping me

    Ali

  29. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    106 posts
    12 April 2022 in reply to Witchy76

    Hi Ali,

    I can relate so much to what you are saying - 'Too nice, very anxious and depressed'. It really resonates with me. It makes it so hard to do anything when you've got that combo going on. Inertia sets in and it makes it hard to do anything at all and then you end up putting up with things. Some days, just getting out of bed and dressed is an achievement so I'm impressed that you are able to keep up with the walking and looking after your pets etc.

    It doesn't help that you actually have reached out to various organisations and had lots of barriers put in your way, or for a variety of reasons they haven't been able to provide the assistance you need - at least in the short term.

    If you don't mind me asking, have you talked to your GP about this? I googled 'community services' and followed some links and found a few potential organisations that might help you in carrying out a plan to leave, providing support and skills, getting yourself ready to do it. These would be specific to the area where you live though.

    It's good that your ex partner is 'great' most of the time though it sounds like that just lolls you into staying until the next time he does something sketchy.

    Anyway, I wish you the best with it and hope you can find a way to resolve the situation. Here to talk.

    WF

  30. Witchy76
    Witchy76 avatar
    26 posts
    13 April 2022 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi waterfront

    yes I’m still miserable deep down I guess because I know what he’s done and is capable of doing.

    lately he feels it’s his right to go into my daughters room, she’s not currently home at the moment but he feels because it’s his house he’s entitled no matter what I say.

    he still sits and tells me all he wants is sex. And try’s to force on cuddles and when I say I’m not interested sends me texts about how he’s sorry and I deserve someone better. Etc

    urgh

    I bought a lotto ticket today lol here’s hoping I win so I can buy myself a townhouse and live happily ever after lol

    Ali

    1 person found this helpful

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