You are incredible to have come this far, truly incredible, without a doubt, given all you've been through. I wish you could see how incredible you really are, without depression interfering with the truth. You have faced so much heartbreak and I am glad to know that there are still people in your life (your kids) that keep your heart going. I am mum 2 of my own (16yo boy and 19yo girl) and know what a difference our kids can make at times. It may not be the life changing positively mind altering difference we need at times but it's enough of a difference to keep us going until we come to discover the ways that work.
Just when you feel you can't take anymore heartbreak or heartache, your husband says some of the most wounding words one could hear. I felt it, when I read those words, how hurtful they are. 'For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...'. It sounds like he's reached the height of his tolerance levels and that's not your fault. How has any of it been your fault, what you've faced in life? How is depression your fault, your ability to feel what is so depressing? Wouldn't anyone who's been through what you've been through feel how depressing it is? They would have to be completely emotionally detached not to feel the impact. None of it's your fault. None of it.
It's amazing how, when someone faces depression, it's not always obvious how people aren't raising them, bringing them up levels they can really feel, soulfully. There are people who can basically raise you, raise your consciousness, level of hope, your spirits and so on, but sometimes basically just doesn't cut it. Extremely, intensely, overwhelmingly, incredibly, mindalteringly and the list goes on - this is the kind of raising people need at times. And every time someone brings you down, you can feel it, you can feel it in your chest, in the way it just hits your heart and then rises up to your throat, where you just want to scream 'NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIFE THROUGH THESE FEELINGS!' but you sob instead or screaming.
How do you want to feel life? Instead of worrying about not upsetting others or making their life difficult, how do you want to express your sadness, your anger, your disappointment? Do you want to feel free to express it? Do you need to? Perhaps a strange question but do you feel like a pressure cooker about to explode?
My heart goes out to you