I have not had the exact challenges you described but I can definitely understand your position. You are not alone.

I often feel like I ruined my husband's life due to the challenges I have brought into the marriage. The major one being 10 years of infertility but not the only one. My husband has never said to me that I ruined his life but there were times I knew he was thinking it. I have just always done my best to help him where I can and improve myself to the best of my ability. I make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I also try to focus on what I bring to our relationship. I can assure you, you will be bringing things to the relationship. Think about it and identify areas you contribute. I suspect one of them will be looking after your children.

I have several times in my life thought there was no way forward for me in life. That my challenges were impossible to solve. I have always been wrong. I even have an attempted suicide that I keep in mind whenever I start thinking down that road. It was a mistake I don't want to repeat.

I recently had a bad turn where I also could not stop shaking. For days on end, until it became too much and I accessed acute mental health services. I encourage you to do the same. It didn't solve all my problems but it calmed me enough I could start the journey.

Hello WishIwereSomeElse, and reading your comment is very upsetting and does break my heart in what you are really struggling with.

I do understand that your marriage seems to be falling apart from the comments you've told us and sometimes there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this, but we hope we can help you.

There is much you have personally had to go through and as an outsider t's been so traumatic for you, that there are times when our partner/spouse just doesn't understand and wants to wipe their hands of everything.

This is not the support you were hoping for and all you want is some compassion and positive direction which will help you.

You definitely can't blame any of this on yourself because it's not anything you could foresee in the future, no one could possibly predict any of this, unfortunately, it's all happened to you.

If you receiving any Centrelink payments, then you can apply for $1000 which you pay off in the next coming months, this might allow you to move into a caravan, alternatively if you make an apppointment with Anglicare, they may be able to provide you with a flat/house until you can pick yourself up.

They also have counselling and can also direct you to various different agencies for your appropriate help that's needed, I know they will look after you because that's what they did for me.

There are various different issues you need help with, and all are so important for you to try and cope with, and your boys is definitely one of these, but all the other issues are also very important, so if you are able to reply back to us, that would be good.

My best wishes.

Geoff. x

WishIwereSomeoneElse

You are incredible to have come this far, truly incredible, without a doubt, given all you've been through. I wish you could see how incredible you really are, without depression interfering with the truth. You have faced so much heartbreak and I am glad to know that there are still people in your life (your kids) that keep your heart going. I am mum 2 of my own (16yo boy and 19yo girl) and know what a difference our kids can make at times. It may not be the life changing positively mind altering difference we need at times but it's enough of a difference to keep us going until we come to discover the ways that work.

Just when you feel you can't take anymore heartbreak or heartache, your husband says some of the most wounding words one could hear. I felt it, when I read those words, how hurtful they are. 'For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...'. It sounds like he's reached the height of his tolerance levels and that's not your fault. How has any of it been your fault, what you've faced in life? How is depression your fault, your ability to feel what is so depressing? Wouldn't anyone who's been through what you've been through feel how depressing it is? They would have to be completely emotionally detached not to feel the impact. None of it's your fault. None of it.

It's amazing how, when someone faces depression, it's not always obvious how people aren't raising them, bringing them up levels they can really feel, soulfully. There are people who can basically raise you, raise your consciousness, level of hope, your spirits and so on, but sometimes basically just doesn't cut it. Extremely, intensely, overwhelmingly, incredibly, mindalteringly and the list goes on - this is the kind of raising people need at times. And every time someone brings you down, you can feel it, you can feel it in your chest, in the way it just hits your heart and then rises up to your throat, where you just want to scream 'NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIFE THROUGH THESE FEELINGS!' but you sob instead or screaming.

How do you want to feel life? Instead of worrying about not upsetting others or making their life difficult, how do you want to express your sadness, your anger, your disappointment? Do you want to feel free to express it? Do you need to? Perhaps a strange question but do you feel like a pressure cooker about to explode?

My heart goes out to you

Hi WishIwereSomeoneElse

My hat goes off to any parent who leads their child to consciously explore their emotions. It's easy to see the damage that can be done long term when life is largely about suppressing emotions. I'm glad the world is changing for boys these days, in the way of certain emotions being seen as valid, as opposed to being declared as a sign of 'weakness'.

I think that while a basic level of anger is not always a bad thing, as it can be a very telling emotion worth exploring, suppressing it and not exploring it or expressing it thoughtfully can easily have it lead to rage. Rage is undeniably one of those pressure cooker emotions, where the anger's been building to the point where it just can't be contained any longer. A big difference between letting off steam in a careful way and letting it off or out in an almost explosive way. Wondering if your husband has anyone he can 'vent' to, while they're helping him to make better sense of things, emotions included. Perhaps he's not the therapist type. Doesn't mean he can't be led to consider the avenue of therapy when he may be able to better relate to it down the track.

It's amazing how much the mind and body are tied in together. I recall reading a book some time ago called 'Becoming Supernatural' by Joe Dispenza. The supernatural aspect is more so about what is super or incredibly natural for human beings to experience under a variety of circumstances. The book is an interesting take on mind/body/spirit. He writes it from the perspective of neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics. While it sounds complex, it's a fairly easy read. He's a great writer. The quantum physics side of things (how energy naturally behaves) ties into the relationship it shares with the mind (the brain at work) and the body and its energy systems. Emotion or energy in motion, is definitely something worth exploring, understanding and mastering. Feeling no energy in motion (numbness or emptiness) becomes understandable when we're emotionally exhausted or mentally/physically run down.

Wondering if your husband could at least consider exploring the idea of how mental stress impacts us physically. If he'd like to experience some physical relief from the impact of emotion or feeling this thoughts, perhaps this is something he can better relate to. Maybe it might lead him to go on to consider exploring mental health and how it's ties into the physical experience.

Hi You are not alone. You may be experiencing crippling toxic shame. An objective observer might say that you are actually an incredibly, brave, amazing survivor and fighter and your ability to keep fighting your demons an inspiration. Shame does not allow you to see this. Your husband is not perfect either for sure, yes he has a right to his feelings but saying "you have hurt my life" is an age old blaming/shaming relationship occurrence. I have been almost exactly where you are with the same thoughts about leaving - living on the streets nearby my two kids, terrified of how I could manage it, no money, financially dependent on a husband whose resentment combined with my shame (for my depression/anxiety and inability to hold down a job placing all the financial burden on him) has poisoned our relationship, can't kill myself because of my kids - will not deliberately die because I know from personal experience how this will affect them. Deep despair and very afraid because can't even end it. Excructiating pain. Have discovered that people with toxic shame believe they are worthless, don't matter, are a bad person, people they love are better off without them. The constant self loathing thought loops can be very hard to overcome and get through, can cause severe physical distress too. What helped me was to know that I was not alone in this and many people experience the same, scientifically studied and explained. It's not all just about the mind (or frontal cortex) either - the nature of the traumatic experiences that caused the shame means it is acitivated in the survival part of our brain. This makes it very hard to overcome the "knowing" of not being enough . What helped me was to sit with the pain a little and when I noticed the self loathing thought loop said to myself 'There's my silly brain again' . Name the shame. I started by recording my most private painful experiences and mistakes which I had been covering up in a journal because I could not say it aloud to anyone else. Exploring the causes of my shame and reflecting as objectively as possible on how much of a role I played in what happened in my past and the current circumstances helped me to understand that I MADE mistakes but AM NOT a mistake. I then felt more able to talk to someone else I trusted to 'lacerate and expose' the shame wound. It's hard to be vulnerable like this but it helped me to find a path out and reduced the impact of the resentment/shame relationship dynamic on my ability to heal. The real truth is you and your family are not in your current circumstances because you are a bad person. Your kids need their amazing surving mother who is stronger than she knows. I am struggling the same as you and not a professional but I will hold your hand, I will hear your pain, your shame and I will never judge you if you want to talk. You will survive, you will rise, you will thrive. Hope some of this might help you too.