I am still here, Helen.
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much again.
Looking into the past, unearthing those old memories, in some ways, is as difficult as living through those times, at least, that's how it seems to me. Now we're older, we see things from different perspectives, & that can feel awfully confusing. I do recall feeling half out of my mind when thinking about those memories, re-experiencing some of them from time to time, too. & it all got me so angry, I feared for what I could do.
Maybe I'm lucky, in that I don't tend to externalise my anger. Maybe that's not so lucky when I turn the anger in... anger is a very difficult thing to deal with.
In short, after months of trying to cope I found someone, a Psychiatrist, & began very slowly to begin to work through all the memories & feelings. Feeling especially get so complicated, so I've been at this for years.
I ought to say, I haven't experienced being 'in care'. I had tried to hear some of what our Australian Royal Commission has revealed, & it got too much for me. It is very upsetting to think of what you & so many others have gone through. Hearing the words & voices of individual people makes it all so horribly real.
Is it enough that some tangible record of lived experience is taken & stored, of which the wider public never hear of? & maybe some changes are made, maybe not enough, or not any at all???
Now, Helen, you are all I am really going to consider.
I think, the only reason you need to consider is if you would be telling your story for yourself or for others.
If you want to continue, particularly if you think it is important for you to tell of your experiences, because doing so would help you regain your own sense of worth, power, control, or have a voice & to be heard, then, with the best of support, you could do it.
Otherwise, you can tell them you want to not participate anymore. because of how this is already affecting you, They cannot force you.
But since the can of worms is open, privately, with a good Psychiatrist, you might begin to work through these experiences - not to make them either go away or to make them alright. Never that. But to learn ways to live with the past. & learn to nurture yourself in ways you had not experienced before.
I've been wobbly, too, but I will continue to be here for you.