Hello Kitty, I'm sorry as your post is very sad and feel so much for you.

You love your child and that's what they want, but realise that nothing seems to going how you would want it to be and this can certainly happen when a person not only hears some bad news but also when they are suffering from any type of depression because negative thoughts dominate our mind and it doesn't allow us to see any positives in life.

It is with great despair knowing about your health issues and all we want to do is help you through this, so want to encourage you to tell us a little more, then we can understand what you are trying to cope with, and please don't be frightened as all of us have had to cope with our own type of depression and do appreciate that we can learn from what you say and then try and assist you.

My Best.

Geoff. x

Hi Kitty88

The best mum any child can have is a mum who loves them endlessly, to the best of her ability. This is always the kind of mum I try to be. Our ability will always vary, based on our health, our perspective, our energy levels, our challenges, our stress levels etc.

I feel so deeply for you, given all that you're facing. Took me years to work out why I struggle so much at times. I discovered a lot comes down to who surrounds me. While I used to beat myself up terribly for being so 'hopeless', 'worthless', 'incapable' and so on, what I've come to ask over the years is 'Who around me impacts my sense of hope, value, capability, confidence, sense of direction and more?'. While we can be working hard when it comes to facing major challenges, there are times where others around us just aren't putting in the same hard work and it's just not on. While a doctor can give us news such as 'You have this issue and there's not much we can do about it', that's just not on. 'FIND AN AVENUE FOR ME TO CONSTRUCTIVELY TRAVEL DOWN. DON'T SIMPLY WIPE YOUR HANDS OF THIS!'. While we are intensely sensing the struggle in our challenge and how it brings us down or works us up to stress, we can have people around us saying 'You're too sensitive, you need to relax'. This is just not on. We should say 'WORK HARDER ON FEELING FOR ME. WORK HARDER ON CHANNELING THE SAME FEELINGS I'M FEELING. DON'T SIMPLY TELL TO BECOME INSENSITIVE TO MY STRUGGLES, TO SIMPLY NOT FEEL THEM!'. If we're in a relationship with the other parent of our child, for our partner to say 'That's your job, to raise them through their challenges, I'm simply the breadwinner of the family, we have every right to treat them as the disinterested 'cash cow', demanding they bring more money in when finances become a serious struggle. Sounds brutal but such view is based on our partner's personal declaration.

You can be working so hard Kitty, where others fall way short. To be raising yourself in a life where others are content with doing next to nothing to help raise you defines you as spectacular. It defines you as powerful. As a powerful person who develops a constructive degree of intolerance and as someone who becomes more demanding through such intolerance, you have every right to demand of those around you 'Work harder when it comes to the ways in which you should be serving me best!'.

You're right Kitty, you shouldn't have to suffer and if no one understands, you have to ask 'What's wrong with them?'.

Hi Kitty88,

Im sorry that you are feeling this way.

I understand that it would be difficult to get bad news about your health, please tell us more if you want to.

Im sure you love your son very much.

When I had my children all I ever wanted to be was a mum and then I experienced postnatal anxiety and parental OCD it was a horrendous thing to go through and it wasn’t what I thought my life would be like while my children were babies.

I have recovered now after the professional help I received from health professionals.

Can I ask why you feel as though you can’t be the mum you wanted.

Here to chat

Dear Kitty88,         

We really appreciate you coming to the forum to share with the community and find some assistance. It takes great strength and courage to write about our struggles and we want you to know that you are not alone.

If you are at risk of harm or unable to keep yourself safe, then it is important that you call 000 (triple zero) as this is an emergency.

Other phone services include Lifeline on 13 11 14, and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. We would also encourage you to contact our supportive counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

Thank you again for joining our forum, and please remember that we are here to support you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.  

Hi Kitty88

I understand your pain and thankyou Sophie_M for the super helpful post above

KItty.... you are strong for speaking from the heart as well as you do. Many people dont have the courage you do

Your well being is paramount here.....all other considerations are secondary

we are listening

Paul

Hi Kitty88

I feel for you so very deeply while you face the torturous and exhausting battle depression brings about. From my own experience, I'd have to say it's like a hell on earth that wears you down in such a soul destroying way. Unless someone's faced the depths of depression, they can't fully understand how tough it truly is.

You are so much stronger than what you imagine. Having come out the other side of about 15 years of depression, there are times where I think 'I cannot believe I made it through that. I just can't believe it'. The daily battle of internal dialogue, the number of people around us who can sometimes test us in a number of depressing ways, the struggle to make sense of why we feel the way we do, the intense challenge that our internal chemistry brings about etc...it takes a strong person to manage that. It is a challenge not designed for the faint hearted. In it's simplest form depression is horrible. In it's worst form it is a life and death situation, which helps explain why some need a safety plan when going into the thick of the battle.

To be able to feel life so deeply Kitty is a blessing. To be able to feel life so deeply can also feel like a curse. To be able to feel our most depressing challenges and feel them from the heart can feel heartbreaking. You're a strong person with a good heart. You're a good mum who loves as deeply as she can while she battles with what has taken the lives of many who came before her, as she battles through depression. You're a warrior Kitty who perhaps does not fully recognise how strongly and courageously she's been fighting.

May sound a bit strange but do you have a battle strategy?

Hi Kitty88,

Sorry you are feeling this way.

You are strong, stronger than you will ever know.

Keep pushing forward and keep up the fight …it’s within you.

Please chat to me anytime.

and Happy Mother’s Day…

Hi Kitty,

Hang in there, you will get through this.

We are a very caring supportive community and we are to support you.

Please feel free to chat to us anytime.

Everything has taking its toll on me now, I feel completely defeated and overwhelmed. The stress and anxiety over everything is to much. My health, domestic violence, financial, study, addiction, literally everything and no matter what I do or how hard I to overcome something, I can't. I am a failure! It's so bad now I can barely sleep, I'm just constantly thinking of everything but there's nothing I can do. Last night I woke around 1am and couldn't get back to sleep because my head just won't stop, I layed their crying for ages just wanting to end it all. I can't see another way out of it all anymore. I feel so helpless

Hi Kitty88,

Im sorry you are feeling this way but there really is a way forward for you! Don’t loose hope.

Your not a failure your just a human being who needs some help……. there is nothing wrong with asking for help it’s courageous.

Kitty I understand that all of the above can feel very stressful and also bring on alot of anxiety but Kitty with the correct help you really can overcome all of it.

I understand that addiction is a very challenging thing to go through but Kitty you really can overcome it, but you need the correct help for that to happen….. have you tried any type of intervention for this?

No matter how long you have travelled in the wrong direction you can always turn around and change it for the better.

But you are the only one who can do that by making a choice and then sticking to that choice to get better and you can.

Im sorry you have experienced domestic violence I understand this would be difficult have you been able to speak to anyone about this?

I also understand that you are currently thinking about everything and can’t sleep anxiety can make things feel very overwhelming have you been able to speak to your gp about your anxiety?

Kitty there is something you can do for the positive…. Really you just need to realise what this is and move towards it……… nothing is never to far gone……. There is always hope and change is very possible.

Please keep reaching out to us we want to help you.

Hi Kitty

You sound so thoroughly exhausted and defeated. I feel so deeply for you as you face such an overwhelming time. Is it possible for you to drop or postpone at least one thing in life to give you a bit of breathing space, such as the study side of things, for example? If it's one of the key things that offers you some joy, I imagine that's not an option amongst the challenges you're trying so hard to juggle all at once.

With the health side of things, is it possible to take a different approach other than trying to manage with mainstream medicine? Not sure if that's an option. Just simply wondering. If inflammation's a factor, I imagine stress is making things more painful than ever.

Sounds like the people around you aren't making things any easier for you. Do you feel if you pushed those around you to better understand your challenges, a new found awareness on their part might lead them to make some difference?

Thanks for your reply Sophie but no-one reached out other then this post Tha I'm aware of? But yes I am feeling quite low and in that nature.

Petal22, thanks for your comment, I tried again today to reach out to a gp for help I told them I was really struggling and about last night and they really weren't alot of help. I have told some of what I have went through with the domestic violence but not all nor what I am currently going through. Noone knows everything I'm dealing with or hard I'm fighting right now because I know they don't understand. I have also been to a detox/rehab before but relapsed last year when things got to tough to handle and now it's out of hand but I'm not strong enough to do it again especially on-top of everything else.

Therising, thank you for your comment also but my studies is what I was hoping to complete to not only help others but give my son and I a chance at life, but that's basically gone now with how far I've fallen behind. My health is complicated, I have a blood disorder that will eventually most likely kill me, the meds I become resistant too and have basically run out of options. I am now waiting for input of yet another specialist but it always plays on my mind that I won't ever win this. Mentally it takes a toll big time and then with everything else, it is so hard. I try so God dam hard and get nowhere. I have tried explaining to people how I feel and what I'm going through, only for it to fall on deaf ears, they always no matter what pick my faults regardless of what I do and make me feel crap. It makes me feel so alone in this fight!

I have been battling for years and been begging for a break but it never comes. Now I'm way over my head and just begging for that light to shine and take me!

My head these days just doesn't stop, I'm hurting, I'm exhausted physically and mentally, my heart is breaking. Before I could somewhat fight but now is different, I realise I have failed, that I will never be good enough or ever get out of this hole. I have tried but it's impossible, There is no way out!

Good morning Kitty88,

Thank you for your reply.

Im sorry that your gp wasn’t helpful.

Kitty88 there are people out there who will help you no matter what your issues are.

Kitty88 you can try a different gp and try to be as open as you can with what you are experiencing.

Kitty88 I don’t know what your addiction is and that’s ok but I just wanted to share a bit of information with you that may give you some motivation….. please google Kyle Quilly Quilausing he was an addict and now he is sober and uses his redemption to educate young people of the dangers of addiction.

His motto is if he can YOU can..

Ok you relapsed by try again you need to keep trying and not give up because there will be a time that you will succeed……. Every time you try the gaps between relapse will be longer.

You will get out of this dark hole it’s very possible just don’t give up because on the other side of it is YOU a much clearer happier stronger version of your future self and your future self is cheering you on.

There is no way out of this hole, no matter how hard I try, it never ends!

Im exhausted, I'm so tired of the constant battle, I am defeated!

Each day just keeps getting harder, I can't do it anymore, the demons can win.

Dig your heals in Kitty88 ………. You can win this!

Look for the light…..

I've tried, there is no light anymore, not here anyway!

Thanks for the support tho x

Thanks, I hope it helps some people to feel less alone.

I have always been able to express my self better in writing then verbal, so I do hope if anything it may help someone feel less alone. But to that person please try hard and reachout.

There is light in everyone Kitty88 seek it and you shall find it …..

I hope that things start to improve for you soon.

Thanks everyone for your support and I hope you can continue fighting.

That’s ok Kitty88 😊

You keep up the fight too……

Im living proof Kitty88 that you can come through the darkness and live in the light.

You just have to keep persevering 💪

Hi Kitty

I wish there was something I could suggest that could make some positive difference, I really do. It's a truly horrible place to be, where you're at. Of course, I don't have to tell you this, as you're feeling it so deeply.

Do you know what the reputation of the new specialist is like and do you know how long you have to wait to get some results? In my opinion, it's not being at all dramatic to say this is life threatening, the urgent need to experience some sense of progress right now. Are you willing to walk into that specialist's office, expressing your desperation for progress?  As a mum, I wouldn't hesitate to do this for one of my kids, which sometimes leads me to wonder why I wouldn't consider doing such a thing for myself. Why are we prepared to do what it takes for our child/children but we don't always represent our self with the same kind of desperation, determination or ferocity?

Based on how hard you've tried, I wouldn't say it's you that's failed. I find it hard to tolerate people who fail us Kitty. I especially can't stand when such people turn it around on us. Sometimes there can be a wake up call when we come across a whole different type of person, someone who goes above and beyond. They don't just basically do their job, they do far more because it's in their nature. Such people are determined to not fail others and I have the greatest respect for these people. They're good for our mental health, our self esteem and our spirits. They're the miracle workers of this world. I hope this specialist is one of those. If he/she is not, would be tempting to ask them if they know someone who can do a better job. Very cheeky, indeed :) Have you considered looking into the latest research in regard to the blood disorder?  Certain researchers aim for discovering breakthroughs, new revelations.

Good morning Kitty88,

Just a little something I wanted to share with you today.

Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that’s inside you , hears your words and is lessened by them.

You are STRONG and you are BRAVE. There is nobility of spirit within you. Let it grow.

❤️💪

So everything is hell right now, I tried to end my life last week and ended up in hospital then running away. I since have tried lying low so I wouldn't get taken back and today spoke to my psychiatrist and told him everything. He wants me to go back into hospital but I can't. I know I need help but at the same time give up!

Im exhausted... I feel like crap, things never get easier and I'm done trying... I'm so freaking worn out it just isn't even funny anymore

Hi Kitty88,

Im sorry to hear that you tried to end your life but I’m really glad that you are still here with us because you can and will get through this.

I believe that everything in life happens to us for a reason sometimes when I am challenged by life I look for the lesson.

Life is always trying to teach us something and sometimes we question our path but in time we can look back and see why we were put on the path we have been on.

Can I ask why you feel you can’t go back into hospital?

Im sorry you are feeling exhausted I understand that this feels really hard.

But what feels hard will grow us internally once we decide to face our fears.

Keep trying Kitty88… don’t give up.