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Forums / Grief and loss / Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

Topic: Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

28 posts, 0 answered
  1. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5944 posts
    17 October 2018
    Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss.

    There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you.

    This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones.

    Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.
    13 people found this helpful
  2. Koori Col
    Koori Col avatar
    2 posts
    18 September 2019 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hello All,

    I suddenly lost my youngest daughter, 31, four years ago and still have overwhelming Loss and Grief issues. She was the most sweetest and dearest person I have everknown, even though she was/is my daughter. As a 67 year old man, my tears never stop flowing whenever I think of her, and her little daughter whom she left behind. Some days the grief is so unbearable. The tears flow freely as I now type. As an Aboriginal man, family means so very much to us all.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    18 September 2019 in reply to Koori Col

    Hello Koori Col,

    I can not even imagine the depth of your grief as a parent myself. It must be so hard for you . I admire the strength you have to write a post here and share your story with so much compassion.

    I felt the depth of your pain in your words.As you know there is no right way to grieve. 4 years is not long at all in your life, so it will take me. I think tears can be healing and it is good to let them flow feeling.

    I think problems can start when people try to stifle emotions and hold back the tears.

    I notice you have started a thread as well. Welcome to the forum.

    I really like the photo for your avatar. Did you take that?

    Quirky

  4. Lilly18
    Lilly18 avatar
    109 posts
    18 September 2019 in reply to Koori Col

    Koori Col, i just want to send some hugs your way.

    I suddenly lost my husband in 2017 at 28yrs old, 3 young children. I thought of my father in law when reading your post, hes roughly your age too. I hope you have great memories of your daughter.

  5. Philomena
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Philomena avatar
    40 posts
    5 October 2019 in reply to Koori Col

    Hi Koori Col

    Grief is something you can’t easily overcome and everybody grieves differently. I can understand your feelings no matter what anyone may say the pain of the grief can’t be taken away you will have to accept the reality of the grief by attending a memorial service and at times you may feel sad ,angry and upset over what has happened grief brings in many emotional reactions too and at times a sense of fear, denial, lonleliness and physical systems too like sweating, body pain, head aches, breathlessness, panic attacks at times a sense of withdrawal and not wanting to participate in activities you did before but this is a process of living with the grief and then you have to develop an enduring connection with the deceased though not present but in heart and mind by memories and biographies and try to get involved in new skills and new activities.

    you may also try to get involved in support groups where you will meet people who are also grieving and know that you don’t grieve alone. Besides these groups have activities like bingo, movies and other things you could get involved.

    i hope these suggestions will help you in your grieving process .

    1 person found this helpful
  6. affected1
    affected1 avatar
    1 posts
    24 January 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    How does grief and loss relate to God, love and spirituality, in that we perhaps only feel grief and loss, if we have doubts about God's existence, as if we knew God really existed, we would feel no loss, in a way, knowing that that person lost is still around, just in another realm somewhere?

    That's how I think, anyway.

    Any loss is perceived loss then, and real loss is not really ever real, unless we connect to the loss from something other than from love.

    Fear, grief, loss are attached to non-love feelings of hurt, pain, and suffering then, not to love, which washes all of these into itself, and they disappear into love, and love still remains love.

    Would God also feel grief, and loss then?

    Even Carl Gustav Jung was said to have said that every problem is a spiritual problem at its heart.

    It is for me too, and until I prove the existence of God to myself, I seem to feel depressed about life, and having to live it here.

  7. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    24 January 2020

    Hi everyone, my name's Tayla and I'm 20. Relatively new to these BB Forums.

    I'm so sorry for everyone's losses.

    I lost my Grandparents' a few years back, my Mum's parents. My Dad's parents passed away before I was born so of course I never got to meet them although I hear stories about them and it breaks my heart that I never got the chance.

    My Nana passed away in 2013, and my Grandpa passed away in 2015. They both passed away from Cancer, different types. My Nana was a Nurse for over 40 years, and she looked after my Grandpa. My Grandpa had Dementia so couldn't remember names etc very well. He was a few years older than my Nana, that's how they met actually - he had a bad car accident and she nursed him back to safety and they fell in love. I think it's the sweetest most inspiring love story to me and it warms my heart. They still loved each other despite everything they've been through. My Grandpa's health got worse after my Nana passed away.

    I also lost my pet bird Coco, who was a Cockatiel a few years ago, I can't remember the exact year but I think it was around the same time. I also lost a Jack Russell called Jack who was my very first pet and my Grandparents' Dog, a male German Shepherd called Lori. My Grandparents ended up taking care of Jack and Lori, the dogs, and they became best of friends and since the German Shepherd was the same age as me (all of the animals got sick and old), the Jack Russell kept him alive longer. It's so sweet but sad.

    I grieve for my Grandparents and all of the animals every day and miss and love them more every day. I still feel like they're all here and I can see them all, but then reality kicks in. I remember everything, the funerals for my Grandparents, the dates they both passed away, all of that. It always sticks with me.

    What I try to do is remember the good times I had with all of them, the animals too. However while that's nice reminiscing on those memories, it's also heartbreaking realising I can't have them anymore, and create more. I can't even look at photos or anything to do with any of them, and the animals, without bursting into tears.

    Anything to do with losing a loved one is so hard for me and it's one of my triggers (don't worry no one's triggered me, I felt like posting trying to help). I get so emotional and I can't deal with it. I try my best to be strong and tell myself that they're all in a better place.

    I was close to both of my Grandparents. It's been so hard on my parents too.

    Tayla.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. S D
    Valued Contributor
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    S D avatar
    58 posts
    11 August 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayla,

    Thanks for sharing your story about your grandparents and pet bird. You have inspired me to post my first response, thank you. I'm also new to the BB forums and can relate to your experiences having also lost my nana a few years ago and my grandfather to cancer as well since then. I was also very close to my grandparents and it was difficult seeing my mum going through this loss as well.

    It was really lovely to hear about how your nana was a nurse and how she looked after your grandpa (not to mention how they met, so sweet!). I'm sure it means the world to them that they are still in your thoughts and that you treasure your memories of them.

    What things have you found have helped most with processing your grief? Personally, seeing a therapist, attending yoga classes, as well as floatation therapy have been some of the best therapeutic tools i've so far discovered for working with grief and loss. Would love to hear any other ideas or suggestions from anyone reading this as to how they have been able to manage their grief after a loss too. Thinking of you all and hoping each days gets a little easier. Thanks :)

  9. Mandyk
    Mandyk avatar
    1 posts
    22 October 2020
    I have been suffering from depression for 16 years, my sole mate and long term partner and love of my life, left me in June without any warning, there was no one else he just had a break down caused by his previous marriage. There is so much to say but I don’t have the energy to write it down, I suffer from Crohn’s disease and am struggling to get that under control. I can’t work, I can’t get any financial assistance yet as it can take years, I am so lonely and have no one to talk to that understands, everyday it gets worse, I can’t see anyway forward my life is just shallow and empty, I’ve tried to join groups but they don’t work out, I’m so lost and alone.
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5944 posts
    22 October 2020 in reply to Mandyk

    Hey Mandyk,

    Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so grateful that you decided to reach out here today as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We're so sorry to hear what you're going through, and can hear how much pain you must be in after the the loss of the love of your life. Please know that you've come to a safe space and our wonderful community is here to help support you through this.

    It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming for you, and we think it might really help to talk it out. We'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline on 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. 

    Please also know that the lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always available to you 24/7 during your most difficult moments, you don't have to go through this alone.

    Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by soon to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you'd like to post further, we'd also encourage you to start a new thread so that you can continue to share your journey with us, and our community can offer you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're all here for you. 

  11. Kelly2021
    Kelly2021 avatar
    2 posts
    16 January 2021
    Hi all . I lost my mum in October, I had been taking care of her for a few months ( an absolute privilege) She was diagnosed with aggressive stomach cancer . My mum then suffered a stroke and had to go into care . I spent every day with her until she passed 9 days later . My mum was in my arms when she past and I am really struggling with this . I see her face every time I close my eyes . To go from taking full time care of my mum to nothing has left me so empty. My only comfort is that my mum really wished to be with my dad who passed 10 years ago . They were married for 55 years . I miss her more and more every day .
  12. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    19 January 2021 in reply to Kelly2021

    Hey Kelly2021, welcome to the forums.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Grandparents in 2013 & 2015 (Mum's parents, Dad's parents passed away before I was born), both from Cancer. I know it's different with a parent, but I understand how hard it is. I'm thinking of you. She's at peace and out of her pain now, and I'm sure she appreciates you looking after her and being there with her in her final moments.

  13. Matchy69
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    19 January 2021 in reply to Kelly2021
    Hi Kelly I want to welcome you to these forums like Tayla has and give you my condolences at losing your mother.It must have been so hard losing her the way you did.I lost both my parents to cancer and when my mother was diagnosed I became her full time career for three years and it was very hard for me as she became bed ridden and I was going through a marriage breakup.The day she passed was one of the few days I was not with her.My brother was and she passed with her grandson in her arms.
    Give yourself time to grieve properly and do you have someone to talk to and cry to.It is nice to just have someone to listen to.
    Take care,
    Mark.
    2 people found this helpful
  14. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    19 January 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sorry for your loss Mark
  15. Kelski
    Kelski  avatar
    7 posts
    26 February 2021

    Hi everyone,

    I woke up this morning to a couple of whatsapp messages from my Nana and cousin letting me know my cousin Martin was dead. He was found in a field by a dog walker. He battled with childhood trauma his whole life, he was a heroine addict and for years it’s felt like when, not if this day would come. But now it’s here I feel so helpless because my family is in the Uk and I’m in Aus. I just want to be around them and it’s hard. Thanks for listening.

  16. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    2459 posts
    26 February 2021 in reply to Kelski

    Hi Kelski

    I am so very very sorry for the loss of your cousin Martin, that must have been so very traumatic to read those messages from your family. Even harder as you are not there to comfort one another and be together in this really sad and heartbreaking time.

    I am so proud of you for reaching out here to get some of that comfort, I think you can see that there are so many of us experiencing grief and in so many different ways. Please know that there is no book on how to grieve, there are no rules, you take the time that you need and you do what you need to do to make yourself feel even the smallest bit of kindness.

    I hope that technology will help you stay in close contact with your family so that you can perhaps see each other via skype or facetime or something like that and somehow be in some way together.

    I have lost two very close family members recently and I have found writing was and still is the very best way for me to manage my guilt, and chatting to friends too. I am wondering if you would like to talk about that some more as maybe we can find some ways to help you too.

    Huge hugs to you Kelski and I am once again so very sorry for your loss.

    Here when you are ready.

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Kelski
    Kelski  avatar
    7 posts
    26 February 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    thank you for your thoughtfulness. I appreciate you encouraging me to show myself some kindness, I feel that’s the hardest thing to do right now. I only got the news this morning so I think I’m deep in shock and denial and anger.
    I’m saddened to think he was found in a field in the cold, what a horrible way to die. Not knowing what happened is hard but what’s been harder is how my Mum didn’t really want to talk and left me when I was feeling alone and told her so. That’s angered me.
    my partner has been amazing, and I would love to have some FaceTimes and real face time with people who can relate. I’m looking into grief counselling and I’m also looking for friends through this too as o don’t have many here in Aus. Happy to hear your ideas and thoughts on this.
    thanks Sarah.
    Kel xx

  18. Aaronsis
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    2459 posts
    26 February 2021 in reply to Kelski

    Hi Kel

    With the news so fresh and so raw I can only imagine how you are feeling, and then to have no where to go, to be with family or to get comfort from others that knew him also. I have no idea how hard that must be to have them on the other side of the world at a time like this. It was awesome to read that your partner is being so supportive, that is brilliant and just what you need right now, someone to just lift you up or to just sit with you.

    There will be a million emotions and sometimes all at once, grief I think is one of the hardest things to manage, as you are trying to make sense of it as well as feel it and then there is guilt and also anger like you said..there are so many things coming at you at once.

    It is so hard to think of our loved ones final moments as being so very much less than what they should have had. That to be alone to pass away in a cold field is not what you wanted for him or anyone you love. In saying that I would try not to make up stories in your brain of how he came to be there and how it was he passed until you do get the word from family on how it happened, I know..easier said than done but with so much already going on for you you don't need the extra pain of a story that plays over and over in your head that may actually not be true.

    I can see how you are feeling angered by your mother not wanting to spend time with you on the phone. I am thinking that this would be so very hard for her too, and just like you still so new and raw and she is trying to do the best she can I would think too. Maybe knowing her brother or sister has just lost a child was a bit too much for her as she had to ring her child, we just don't know how it effects people. I hear you, you would have loved more time on the phone with her, but maybe in a few days you could try again and she may be better placed to have a more lengthy chat with you.

    Grief counselling is one of the best things I have done. While I have since gone back for some other sorts of therapy I did this first. It helped me to process and to understand and to make peace with what I was not able to control as well as deal with some of the guilt. I can not recommend it highly enough to you.

    I have mentioned the journaling and I found that awesome too and I also found places like this essentially helped the most, reading how others are coping and what they are going through and also helping them on their journey was so valuable.

    Even a bath can help.

    Hugs

    Sarah xx

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Kelski
    Kelski  avatar
    7 posts
    28 February 2021 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    I’ve read and re read your message a few times because it’s so thoughtful and right.

    I’m taking on board what you said regarding my Mum. Having to console her younger brother must be terrible and I really think she doesn’t know what to do for the best. I’m trying to focus on taking care of myself. Martin’s death was in the paper Friday night, they confirmed he was in the shallow water of the canal, not in a field per se. They aren’t treating it as suspicious, but no word on how he ended up there until next week I assume. The not knowing is tough but I haven’t concerned myself with it too much. My partner continues to be great and I’m booked in for a session with a grief counsellor tomorrow.
    Also, I did have a bath as you suggested. To be honest it was the first time I’ve really slowed down since the news and I felt a wash of deep sadness. I’m trying to just let the emotions wash over me, I’m just so tired.
    I’ve booked in for a massage Friday too, to try and do something kind for me. Something to look forward to.
    all in all, I’m feeling all the things, I’m particularly down this morning, missing my family. I did get out of bed though so that’s a bonus! :) xx

  20. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    2459 posts
    2 March 2021 in reply to Kelski

    Hey Kelski

    I am so happy to hear that some of the things that we talked about have helped you, I am wondering how you are feeling today and how things are going for you?

    A bath seems sometimes like a silly thing to suggest but it really can help, just the peace and the comfort of the warm water and feeling weightlessness.

    Have you been able to chat some more to your mum? I am feeling so deeply for her too, as you said, she possibly does not know what to do either and is going through so many mixed emotions just as you are.

    I am sorry to hear that they had reported Martin's death in the paper and with such details too. While it is heartbreaking to read I hope that having some details has stopped the overthinking and rethinking and making up stories in your mind. It is so hard to hear the details but I hope that they have stopped this for you.

    I am so very happy to hear that your partner continues to be so very supportive of you, this will make a real difference to your journey. Missing your family would be so very hard so having your partner by your side is wonderful.

    Well done for doing small things like getting out of bed, it is so hard when you feel so bad but just doing what you can at this time is all that is required of you. Whatever you can do for you is all that is required, not what anyone else says or thinks..just you.

    I hope to chat to you some more and see how you are going and how your family are doing through this time also.

    Huge hugs to you

    Sarah xx

  21. Niamhs mum
    Niamhs mum avatar
    3 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Koori Col

    Hi Koori Col

    My heart bleeds for you as I too just lost my 21 year old daughter. The baby of the family and the youngest of five siblings our world is shattered. She was taken from us on the 21st of Feb this year and the shock and despair is unbearable. This pain is indescribable - my world is now a haze.

  22. Matchy69
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    5910 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Niamhs mum
    Hi Niamhs mum I am sorry for your lost.That would be earth shattering for you. Just give yourself time to grieve and remember what a beautiful daughter you had.Their is no time limit on grieving and you will always have that feeling of something missing from your life.
    Take care,
    Mark.
    1 person found this helpful
  23. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Niamhs mum

    Niamh’s. Mum,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

    I have no idea of what you are experiencing and . as a mum my heart breaks for you.

    There is no right way to grieve do what you want to.
    As the grief is so new the pain will be indescribable.

    If writing here helps , feel free to post as often as you like.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Niamhs mum
    Niamhs mum avatar
    3 posts
    9 April 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    There are days that seem like an eternity and then there are days I have completely lost and cannot remember. Everything is a fog. How can such a healthy young woman in the prime of her life be taken so suddenly with zero warning? I cannot remember anything about the three or four days after except I needed her home. I needed to see her face again and kiss her nose. Everything else is a blur.
  25. Matchy69
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    5910 posts
    9 April 2021 in reply to Niamhs mum
    Hi Niamh's mum their is no rhyme or reason for these loses we have on our lives.They just completely shatter us.Time just stands still.We need time to grieve and somehow keeping living ourselves.Someone once said to me when I had a lost and and asked how do I keep going and she said you put one foot in front of the other and it is hard at first and only small steps and you slowly get bigger and more steps and it doesn't matter how long it takes you will get there in the end.It will be painfully taking those steps and sometimes you will take steps back.You will never forget your daughter and the senseless way she was taken from you.
    Take care,
    Mark .
  26. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    9 April 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    My ex neighbour lost his adult son in a motorcar accident. His son used to grow roses and had many in pots.

    My neighbour planted them in honour of his son and named the garden after him.

    Just an idea for you caring members

    TonyWK
  27. FriendsFan
    FriendsFan  avatar
    3 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hello all,

    I'm sorry for all the losses just remember you have Eachother here to support and talk to.

    I'm new and just went through this process two weeks ago to then find out someone else passed away this week. Day by day goes on but it's so hard at the same time.

    I don't know to get past this as I'm so broken as I'm grieving with my best friend. We support each other and have been best friends for very long time.

    Thank you for reading this

  28. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12416 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to FriendsFan

    Friendsfans,

    Thank for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss but I am pleased you have a supportive friend.
    Your grief is raw as it is recent.
    If you want to , you can start your own thread to get more support.

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