Hello everyone

I came across your forum just this morning after searching online for help. My mother died in July this year and I have been descending into a deep depression ever since. I was very close to her and now she is gone. To numb the pain and feeling of isolation I drink. I downed two and half bottles of wine last night. I couldn't get home from work fast enough to get that bottle open. I passed out on the couch like I do most nights lately. Reading some of your posts has given me - what? - hope? Is that the right word? I'm not sure. It has just given me a feeling that I am not the only one who is suffering like this and that others have also gone/going through similar things. For the first time in months I feel like my eyes have opened and I'm seeing things again. I actually cleaned the house for the first time in months and I used to be so house proud. I just haven't cared about anything, including myself. I will hopefully stay in touch with your forum and share my experiences. Maybe I can offer someone some hope for a better future.

Hello Mozartscape, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost mine many years ago but remember the pain and sadness so clearly. Time does heal, as they say, but you never forget. I hope you get to a point soon where you can focus on the good times with her and your sadness can transform into sweet memories.

I am very pleased you've joined us. Well done for recognising you have a problem developing and deciding to take action. You can and will get control back. And we're here to help. You are by no means alone in this.

I'm glad the forum has given you some hope, and thank you very much for saying so. Please do stay with us and keep posting, I'd really like to get to know you. Talk about anything you want, whether it's grief, drinking, depression or anything. And we also have a Social Zone if you just want some company - check out the BB Cafe.

Very best to you Mozartscape - hope to talk again soon.

Kaz

Moon my lovely, a big hug to you. I'm sorry you're in such a black place, and sorry I wasn't here when you posted. How are you today?

Sweetheart, you know that bottle is just taunting you. It won't help you. It won't. It's just sitting there calling out to you, testing your mettle and playing tricks with your mind.

Get rid of it. Tip it out. Not down your gob, down the sink. Then it's gone. I know that seems a terrible waste to us, but once it's gone, it's gone. I tipped out a full bottle of Cointreau (my favourite) when I decided I had to stop. Just about broke my drinker's heart haha. But once it was gone it never bothered me again.

Don't add to your reasons for despair hun. Come back for a chat if you want.

Kaz

xx

No I didn't succumb Geoff. I'd ruin my "three and a half years without a drink" record wouldn't I?....LOL.....

Onya Moon. 👍

xx

Welcome Contradiction! Well said - and a big congratulations on 21 months sober, that's fabulous. If you want to share more about your path to sobriety and how you have maintained it, please feel free (though no pressure to do so). This thread is all about helping and supporting people trying to kick the booze and any advice we sober folks can give is very vert welcome.

Well done you - and lovely to meet you. 👍

Kaz

Hi Moon xx. I know that need for self-soothing. You're very down at the moment eh?

There's nothing wrong with needing and wanting comfort, everyone does. And alcohol is an easy soother. But it's so temporary and, for those of us without an off switch, it's a dangerous one. It offers false promises. Momentary release, with long-lasting consequences. Well, that's how it is for me.

I know some people (few) can reintroduce alcohol to their lives after a long time sober, and manage it. Most of us can't. We used to have this discussion often on the forum for alcoholics I was on. It seemed to be that the motivation behind reintroducing was the key to whether someone could do it successfully or not. We had a few people who did, but their motivation was generally that they wanted to occasionally join in a family celebration or such. Rare events, and requiring great control on their part. Some of them eventually decided it wasn't worth it and didn't drink anymore.

Those who wanted to reintroduce to help ease their sense of social separation, or loneliness or depression - ie to self-medicate - were never successful. Often they left the forum, saying they felt they could handle it OK now, then reappeared months later deeper in alcoholism and despair than when they first joined. For some this was, and probably still is, a cyclical pattern over many years of being a member.

Think hard my friend - what else soothes you? There's an alternative there somewhere.

Here if you want to chat hun.

Kaz

xx

Hi Kaz

Thought I would check in to the forum and see what is going on. Thank you for your considered words in reply to my initial post. They are very appreciated.

You know I think letting my feeling out on this forum began the healing process for me. Yesterday and today I have felt much happier within myself. Previously I was just pretending to be happy but last two days I have genuinely felt more like the happy person I was only just 4 months ago.

A fantastic weekend with a couple of long term close friends moved the healing process along. One of those friends is like a little sister to me (I'm a (middle aged- groan) girl BTW). She is very dear to me. The other is like a big brother. I had a great Friday night with my little sister and then a great Saturday watching the grand final with both of them. Yes I was drinking - I always do with both of them, particularly my little sister. But this was a different sort of drinking - we were having fun rather than me just trying to drown my sorrows on my own. Gosh we laughed an awful lot and my little sister let me hug her a lot and my big brother gave me a long hug on Saturday. Hugging is not something we have particularly done a lot of in the past. Did they suspect I was struggling? If they will let me, hugging might be something I do a lot more of, particularly of my little sister.

Yesterday and tonight I have not felt like a drink at all.

I wish I could say something to Moonstruck that would help Moon begin to heal. All I can say is, Moon, there is always a better future out there. We all think you are worthwhile. Your neighbour thinks you are worthwhile. Your neighbour wouldn't talk to you if he/she didn't think you were. Could you make a potential friend of your neighbour if you invited your neighbour along for that walk to the seaside? Hope this doesn't sound patronising because it is not meant to be. You are worth it.

Hi Mozartscape, great to see you again. What a lovely post, I am so pleased for you.

In my experience, the healing process after the loss of a parent can take a long time, and grief can hit you when you're least expecting it. But to realise that it's not a permanent state, that you can and will be happy again and love, and live and enjoy life, well that's truly the start of healing. I am so glad you have good friends to be help you along that road.

As for the drinking - it is indeed a very different thing to share a drink with friends and enjoy yourself than to drink alone at home to find oblivion. If you can maintain that, and not let the booze take you over, then you'll be fine. Only you know how you're handling it, but it seems to me you haven't broken your off switch like I did. Whilever the off switch works - ie you control the booze, not the other way round - you're OK in my view.

The best advice a friend gave me when I lost my parents was 'don't be too brave'. Let people in, and lean on your friends. Let them - and us - help.

Very best to you hun

Kaz

Oh wow, I've only just found this forum. How wonderful! Thanks for recommending I come over here Kazzl.

So the struggle with alcohol is real! It's heartbreaking and the next day horrors, oh my god. why do I do this to myself? I feel such shame and guilt about this.

Feels you're problem is your filter.

Tell soggy Corn Cob where it's broken.

I felt compelled to post on here today because I had a little hospital stay last Saturday night, and there was a guy in there coming off chronic alcohol addiction that I can't stop thinking about. I've thought about him every day since.

My sister and I were almost in tears it was so upsetting.

He mentioned a resource so if I hear of things I like to share.

Obviously everyone is restricted by their financial situation but he was heading off the The Cabin in Thailand?

I don't know anything about it. It sounds like an awesome tree house.

Another guy said that getting into a publicly funded rehab place in the next 18 months was near impossible.

I hope this helps someone.

Corn Fritters xxxx

Hiya Feels, welcome to the thread. Oh yes indeedy it's real and very very hard. But it is possible to beat it hun. Have a good read of this thread from the start, there's some tips there to help you if you want to quit. And we're here to support you through the struggle.

Very best to you Feels, I'm glad you've joined us.

Kaz

Hey hey Sweet Corn, good to see you again lovely. How are you? Sorry to hear about your hospital stay (and thanks for the info). Are you OK?

Kaz

Hello my old mate Kaz...you always seem to give such good advice and care. You may have seen elsewhere that my Anxiety has turned into Depression as well lately ....I can't seem to bring myself "upwards out of it" or lift my spirits at all. I cry every day - is that too much? BlondGuy said crying is good for the soul and I always thought it cleansing and useful too...how much is too much?

As you know this is the lowest I have felt in years and years without a couple of drinks to lift my mood. I don't intend going down that road...but...what's my alternative?...get lower and lower, cry more and more. I took a larger than usual dose of a sleeper last night...just needed to be blotted out for the night.....it was getting later and later and I was still wide awake reading my book....the usual dose obviously wasn't enough for me to relax enough into sleep...so thought What the Hell.....and took another half.....it worked! No ill effects that I can see.

Hi Moon hun, sorry I've been off the forum for a few days so have just seen this. Crying everyday isn't good my friend - it's a sign of despair and feeling lost. And it's exhausting in my experience. As we both know, booze isn't going to help either - even though it might make us feel better at the time, we'll feel a whole world of worse later.

I see from your thread you've been to your psych - did she give you any advice to follow? The good news hun is that it will pass. I just don't know how soon. But generally depression does eventually ease and then pass, especially if you take good care of yourself in the meantime.

Are you up to some exercise at the moment? Something that worked for me when I was battling the drinking urges was to make myself physically tired by the end of the day so I just fell into bed and slept. It can really help with depression too if you're up to it. I know often it's very hard to do, and I have days where I can't possibly get out of bed, but if you can do it, get moving and keep moving - a long walk, a dip in the sea.

Another thing that helps me is a particular type of music, designed to work on the brain through particular rhythms and frequencies (binaural beats). I know it sounds a bit hippy and I was sceptical, but I tried it and was impressed. If you google 'music to ease depression' you'll find a range of tracks on YouTube (for all sorts of things, anxiety, depression, concentration etc). Perhaps try having a walk with it on your phone with earphones on.

Just some thoughts lovely, I wish they were more. You've had a rotten time lately, but I do believe you'll come through it. Be patient with yourself, no self-criticism and take good care.

Kaz

Hiya Feels, how are you hun? Like I said to Moon, I've been absent for a few days so sorry I haven't had a chance to chat to you.

How are you travelling?

Kaz

Hello there Kaz...how are you, you lovely creature? Just letting you know I haven't had a drink....nah, what's the point? I know afterwards, it would just be another thing to feel "anxious" about! and beat myself up about no doubt, breaking my three and a half year record!! Would probably defeat the purpose....all the "stuff" would still be there after I'd had the drink, just like it was before!!...Oh S...t!!

Onya Moon, proud of you hun. How's your head today?

xx

Dear Kaz, I don't think I can do this much longer. I posted on my other "depression" thread that this is the lowest I have ever felt..i.e. without the self-medication of alcohol. I know things were much more serious back years ago, but they didn't seem as bad and did not get me this "down" because the few drinks made me feel better - it did work!! Now I have nothing to lean on..nothing.

I have been depressed for over a month now, afraid I will cry at inappropriate times and make a fool of myself. I am getting closer and closer to having a drink. I need some relief from this emotional pain I am going through. I cannot do this much longer Kaz, and Geoff, and the others who have been where I am....please say you have been there too, and know how I am feeling.

I have and I do hun. I really do.

OK, so what do you want from drinking right now? Do you want the taste, do you want the company (a bottle can be company when there's no one else), do you want to take the edge off so you can ... what? Or do you want to wipe yourself out so you can't feel this way? Be oblivious or unconscious of everything around you?

For me it was the latter. It took a while to realise it once I got sober - I didn't miss having a drink , I missed oblivion. I still do sometimes. Trouble is, drinking enough to reach oblivion makes you unable to function when you do have be awake and alert etc. Makes you miss out on life really.

If you want to take the edge off the pain, what then? And will that easing of pain (which it does, for sure) help with the subsequent guilt and recrimination you'll put yourself through.

There are other ways to ease the pain hun, and I'm wondering if the pain is worse because you're feeling deprived of something you want (alcohol).

My psych is trying to get me to balance out bad memories and my tendency to see the negative in everything I've done by making the good memories and positive qualities bigger in my mind. One key thing she mentions is getting sober. We tend to remember and feel guilty about the bad things we did while drinking; she says to focus on the difficulty and achievment of getting sober. Focus on what a HUGE positive thing that was. Remember the times we thought it impossible, the times we thought it would kill us (nearly did for me). Then think of the fact that we did the near impossible, we survived. We're extraordinary!

I'm not sure what else to say hun but I think you really need to get out what's going on underneath that's making you want to escape through booze. Who's helping you? Psych? Doctor?

I know you can do this Moon - and I don't just mean stay sober (though that's very very important). You can get you back again.

Much love hun

Kaz

Thanks for being there for me Kaz. To answer some of your questions....No, I never did drink for oblivion...I've never passed out from drinking. I never had to go on and on until I was either drunk or passed out. I drank to dull the pain, and tone down the excessive anxiety/worry/guilt about how I was going to cope with what was happening -multiple things, it never seemed to be just one challenge, but a number in a row, all demanding my attention.

It's similar now..not just one thing, but a number all in a row, all for me to adjust to...some frightening, (hence the worry and anxiety) some heart-breaking (hence the pain) some also involve guilt (which I know is useless but alcohol blots that out too). No I haven't had a drink, probably won't...just need to say every now and then how much want to, and how hard it is.

Re my GP and psych......the GP refers me to the free sessions with the Psych...the Psych talks to me and listens to what I have to say. Then I go home again - the rest is up to me...sometimes I am not enough.

Hi Moonstruck, I have had some terrible battles with the grog. I read how to give up drinking the easy way - its wasn't easy but very helpful book with tips and things that made me wonder how I ever got to where I was at and why did I think I needed it so bad. Just feelin your struggle, been there too many times.