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Forums / Long term support over the journey / DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

Topic: DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

  1. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    3 March 2018

    Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

    My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

    I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

    Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

    Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

    I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

    Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

    ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

    Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

    Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

    6 people found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    3 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Mrs dool.

    I am sending you a big reassuring hug.

    I was going to do a thread about acceptance and is it possible? In fact my be yourself thread is about acceptance. People say be yourself then they say you need to be happier, smarter, exercise more, eat less etc. If I am myself why do I need to change!

    I have been told if I accep I have bipolar I will feel better and be worry less. I suppose for me acceptance is to be ok with something well Ia m not ok. I am not ok when I am depressed I am disappointed at best and defeated at worst.

    Fight who has the nervy- acceptance you mean give up- no way.

    I have noticed you have written a few posts today and I hope that helps. hen I am depressed I find it hard to write more than a word and is usally not a pleasant word.

    Does writing posts help you.

    This a wonderful thread so your depression is helping others. Not a great comfort I know.

    Can you explain why we only have 2 choice fight or acceptance.

    What about other choices? Maybe we could talk to our depression,. Some one said I should make friends with my bipolar- what would that achieve.

    Be kind to yourself Mrs Dool

    Quirky who gets more confused as she ages.

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Summer Rose
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    3 March 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Doolhof

    I'm sorry that you feel so low. You've certainly hit the nail on the head, fighting mental health conditions is exhausting and you sound tired. Tired of the fight, tired of being unwell and tired of trying.

    For now, maybe just try to be in the moment. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to decide today to accept or fight, just be.

    When you're ready, some thoughts to consider. I think your psychologist has a point to a degree. We all need to accept the reality of our situations in life, but I don't think that this means we should stop trying to change our situation. I believe it is in our human DNA, our spirit, our souls, to persevere and despite the uncertainty about our chances of success there is nothing wrong with hope.

    Over the last six years there have been many days where all I have had is a single ray of hope to light the way forward and that has been enough. Hope is a good thing and good things should never die.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    4 March 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thanks for the virtual hug, I needed that. My depression has become so over whelming lately all I can think of is how I need to try to fight it to get rid of it or try to accept it somehow and learn to live with it before it destroys me.

    There are other choices I am sure, right now I just feel like I am being devoured by my depression, that all efforts to move forward are being consumed by this overpowering monster that is there all the time. Ready to pounce the moment my mind is not occupied with something else.

    I just want it to be gone. I don't have the energy to keep fighting this monster any more. I'm so tired, I am exhausted. If I learn to accept it maybe the battle will not be there every single waking moment.

    Talk to it! My goodness I have been doing that as well. I have tried to tell myself it does not need to have any power over me. I have told myself it is okay to feel depressed, it is part of me, part of normal human emotions and thoughts.

    I'm just so darn sick of it. Day after day, month after month, year after year. Robbing me of life, allowing me to exist in my own little piece of hell.

    What is the point of existing when you exist like this? Like I wrote I am tired. I feel like I have no power left over this devouring monster. Some days it is winning to the point where I think I might as well just give up.

    Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    4 March 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi Summer Rose,

    Thanks for your encouragement. You are so right, I am tired, tired of trying to fight this, tired of being unwell and tired of trying to find some kind of strength or acceptance to keep going.

    It is such a paradox, I can write here to other people offering suggestions, strategies, advice and offer encouragement when right here in my own life I am in a mess.

    Hope is something I struggle to find. I feel like I am just existing, just holding on by a thread. Maybe that thread is my hope after all?

    Today I have commitments at Church, so that will get me out of the house and have me thinking of other things. Actually I will be busy with Church activities for possibly 4 hours.

    Do you know what, I actually walked out the front of our Church one Sunday morning and told the congregation I was so depressed I was having daily suicidal thoughts. Do you know what happened? The minister prayed for me there and then and that was that. Problem fixed. Problem swept under the carpet. No more mention ever again of my depression.

    A couple of weeks later I was admitted to hospital via police escort for two weeks. The minister did visit for 5 minutes then nothing. Some people just don't get mental health issues.

    Guess I'm just so tired of doing this alone. So thanks so much Summer Rose for your comments, your encouragement, you caring to write to me and offering me glimpses of hope.

    Cheers to you from Doolhof.

    3 people found this helpful
  6. demonblaster
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    4 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Dools so sorry to hear you're in deep darl.

    Im tagging this

    🤗🤗🤗 these are soul hugs they have strength and healing properties.

    Be ok dear Dools

    C u later ⚘

  7. demonblaster
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    4 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Dear Dools how are you feeling today darl 🤗

    It's exhausting full stop, it affects our sleep that depletes our energy that we need for strength.

    I'm hearing a lot about acceptance which ok it helps many, personally I'm ok having BP but accepting I can't get my head around cause if we accept we go with it? If we fight then I feel we have a chance. I know not this recent one but an episode before if I hadnt hard no nonsense self talked I would've sunk deep into the black chasm, I was right at the door it was sucking me in. If I hadnt resisted it would've been back in the deepest. So at this stage anyway Im not understanding acceptance.

    I truly am very sorry Dools for your deep pain, its hell and takes it out of us I know I understand hun.

    Please don't ever give up Dools you are a beautiful person you make such a difference to many and above all please DON'T GIVE UP...you matter... to many. You deserve peace

    Thankyou for being you. You put light in our lives.

    Deep care 😚

    Your Rose in memory of the beautiful loving lady called Jo was very moving 🤗

  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    4 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Dear DB,

    Thank you so very much. I have been trying today to roll with what ever happens emotionally and not fight it so much, seeing if that makes it any easier to cope with.

    In Church I tried the "talking to my depression idea...but not out loud...people would have thought I was a real weirdo if I did that! Guess it helped to some degree as I didn't run out of the Church. I didn't yell and scream nor bash my head against the pew in front of me, so all of that was good!

    I lost it a little when I arrived home. Our bacon and eggs ended up being cooked that crisp you could almost snap them in your fingers. Thankfully my husband didn't comment for a change so there was no eruption pending.

    Feeling totally overwhelmed and like I wanted to cry oceans, I went for a long walk. It has helped a little.

    I know that depression can hit us like a tidal wave and try to drag us under. Some days it just feels like treading water is too much to ask for. I've been trying to float for a while now and feel like I am still being battered by the waves.

    Maybe there are days when we need to fight the depression, than other times when a sense of acceptance will take the sting out of it.

    Hey DB, I'm still here so that is a positive right! Thanks!

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  9. demonblaster
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    4 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi all

    Yeah it does pull us under its so damned powerful. I did that this last down, was heavy but not like they mostly were. Went with it. Easy to slide without resistance though

    Yeah agree there's something in talking to it, liking your wording Dools.. talking to it, challenging thoughts I've been saying but yours is better doesnt sound like effort where challenging does. Will think of you when I word it the same ☺ thanks

    Im not saying acceptance doesnt work ..just I don't get it yet.. may not.. does sound easier. Maybe going with it is part of acceptance ..dunno

    I think it's a good release glad you're talking Dools

    Hope you have a restful secure sleep 🤗..eveyone..

    nigh nite 😊

  10. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    5 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi DB,

    Woke up this morning wondering why I had to wake up at all. Not a good way to start the day!

    Crying oceans of tears on the inside and sometimes on the outside.

    So very tired of feeling this way.

    I want to go out into the garden, to my peaceful place, only the neighbour's dog is barking and has been for hours already.

    I will need to get my ear plugs first.

    Right now I just want to roll up into a ball and cry. I've had enough. This illness is so cruel.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Shelll
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Ah Mrs D, so sorry you are hurting. Here is a hug from me too.

    Shell xx

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  12. demonblaster
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Ahh Dools 🤗 how awful how you're feeling. Feel for you

    Yapping dogs daghh.

    Hey I thought last night I'd love to be in the water and yeah float but ok mentally atm finally like I hope you will be soon too. Body pains etc but thought in my mind I guess like meditation how it would feel and no pain just enjoying the feeling movement and the peace.I wonder when your feeling like this that you could imagine being in your garden or walking without pain just having that sanctuary..peace comfort and freedom.

    How long do you feel like this Dools. I imagine you're not sleeping well too

    Poor thing hate lovely people feeling this way

    Thoughts and care good lady 💖

  13. Quercus
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    5 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Mrs D,

    I'm relieved you asked for help. It is easy to feel the need to give to others and forget that your needs matter too. Remember that aeroplane reference that gets given here a lot.. Your mask on before you help others.

    How awful about your church. That makes me both angry and upset for you. I think people get so caught up in freaking out "what do I do?" they forget all you're really asking for is for people to show they care. So I may not be there in your offline world but here I can sit with you and keep you company.

    You mentioned elsewhere pain is a concern too. Do you feel comfortable talking about it? I truly believe when we are hurting in body as well as mind it becomes so exhausting to carry on with our commitments.

    I think when people say to accept our mental illness that does not have to mean we accept out current situation. Not everything happening in our lives is related to our illness. There are always things we can look at changing to make our lives even slightly easier.

    We say to be gentle to ourselves? What does that mean? To me I see it as allowing yourself to make you a priority. Your volunteer work (including CC duties)... Are they helping you right now or do you need a break?

    Are there people who you can ask to make some meals to freeze?

    Anyone who will join you for daily light exercise to help with the pain?

    I know you have trouble with your husband considering your needs. Is there any way you can ask him to make breakfast for himself or help in one small way so you can rest?

    You have friends here Mrs D. We care for you and want to help. It is not hopeless the black dog is just standing in your line of sight blocking the view.

    Sitting here quietly with you.

    ❤ Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Doolhof
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Nat, DB and Shell,

    I have tears of gratitude right now and thankfulness for such lovely companions as yourselves.

    Just lately that darn black dog really has been in my face and yapping at me. I'm aware of a couple of triggers that have made it worse so I need to deal with those. I also know I have strategies I can put in place, just hard to do when I am so tired.

    Then there are days when the darkness just falls for no apparent reason, and it hits hard.

    Today I have tried both acceptance and fighting it. Gardening has helped a little with the depression. I tried to not let the negative thoughts overwhelm me, I tried thinking of things to be grateful for. I told my depression I was not going to listen to it. Sort of helped a little.

    Nat, a lot of my physical pain is due to a degenerating lower back, no discs where the lower 3 should be. This also causes pain in the hips, knees, various muscles, neck, shoulders and headaches. Throw in a bit of sciatica now and then and hip bursitis that keeps me awake at night.

    In general I have given up trying to reach out to other people for help, so don't bother anymore. Guess there are only so many times you can be told to "pull yourself together and get on with it".

    I'm very fortunate that my Dr. is a very caring person, but I can't go seeing him every day though can I! Ha. Ha.

    I do call in to our local P.O. now and then to have a chat with who ever is serving there even if we have no mail and I don't need anything. They don't seem to mind. I look in first to see if they have any customers.

    Maybe I do need to stop fighting this darn black dog, it just seems to raise its hackles up more!

    Thanks again, it is comforting and reassuring to know people care!

    Cheers from Dools

    3 people found this helpful
  15. PamelaR
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools

    Awwww, sending you loads of virtual hugs. My thoughts so much with you at this time. As Quercus said, it's so good you've reached out to us. I haven't seen your posts till now. Very silly of me really. What I did was pass over them because I saw your name and thought everything is under control. How wrong of me.

    I like many of Quercus suggestions about help you might seek. Is there any possibility any of these strategies will work for you?

    How's your sleeping been? Are you getting enough?

    Is there anyway you get away for awhile to 'rest' and 'relax' by the sea? Walk along the beach and wrinkle you toes in the sand?

    That black yapping dog is a menace! And while the doctor says - live with it. Hmmm, I'd give anything to release the beast and for it to never return. However, I'm also a realist and know that isn't going to happen. It's there now and again. Some days worse that others. I find the more I distract myself, doing things, the better I feel. It's pushing through the not doing anything that's hard.

    I've read so many stories on here, hope I don't get this wrong, but did your doctor also say to not start any projects for two weeks? If yes, then maybe there is a good reason you're feeling the way you are. Especially because the body is so used to being active. (Hope I have this right....... my memory is not what it used to be and I'll never find the post :) )

    Dools I absolutely love your humour, the books you read, your willings to give so much to others. Is there anything that I can do to help? Come and hold your hand, take you for a walk along the beach, search the rock pools for little critters?

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

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  16. White Rose
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Dear Bev

    I would give anything to have the words to comfort you. You know what we want to say, take care of yourself, rest, engage in activities you enjoy. We know how hard it is to do these things.

    Gardening is a joy. There is something about seeing new life coming out of the ground that gives satisfaction. Your garden is a good place to be even if it is to simply sit and let the peace sink into you. Even the dog stops barking when everything else is quiet.

    Do you know when you can start taking pain relief again? Or is this still part of the toxic mess.

    I am also disgusted with the members of your church, too smug to reach out to someone in pain probably because they may get their hands dirty. Unbelievable. Fortunately not many churches are like this but it doesn't help you.

    Keeping yourself distracted and busy and yet not overloading yourself is a fine line to walk. Bev, for once I am lost for words. Please continue to care for yourself.

    Mary

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  17. Doolhof
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    5 March 2018 in reply to PamelaR

    Hi PamelaR,

    Thanks for your message. I have been trying so hard to do things that I know will help, keeping up with my volunteer activities, walking, exercising, trying to eat more healthily, finding things to do that I enjoy, not staying in bed and so on. Some days the depression just hits hard and I am sick of it! As I am sure we all are!

    Thanks for the virtual hugs, they are greatly appreciated. Sleep is not good for me due to the physical pain issues I have. I'm very rarely kept awake due to negative thoughts so guess I should be thankful for that!

    I'm not sure about the two week thing. I have a bad memory so I might have written something like that. I don't recall my Dr saying anything like that though.

    I may drive to the beach tomorrow. It is over 200 kilometres there and back. It puts me off going sometimes because of the distance. I like the idea of even a virtual trip to the beach with you PamelaR looking about in rock pools and paddling our feet.

    Maybe trying some visualisation will be beneficial. Thanks for that thought.

    I too like Nat's suggestions. It is just a matter of working out how to put things into action. I have tried making closer friends with some of the ladies from the Country Fire Service but that has not happened. A lot of the Church ladies are much older than me so friendships haven't really formed there either.

    Humour! Yes, that is very beneficial too isn't it!

    Thanks for caring. I know things will get better. I'm just tired and need to rest a while.

    Cheers from Dools

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  18. Doolhof
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    5 March 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Thanks so much for your very kind words. The Church thing didn't really surprise me, I had it at the last Church as well. Some people just don't understand mental health. One of the older guys came up to me at my present church, all secretive like, whispered in my ear and told me to be strong and the depression would go away.

    It was a bit like he was telling me to take a pill to get rid of pox or something. Not that I have any idea about pox or how to get rid of it! It made me feel like he thought I should be ashamed of depression.

    Thankfully the dog did shut up after a couple of hours. Maybe it had a sore throat from all that barking.

    I attacked the Agapanthus today. It has been so dry and hot here they are virtually all dead leaves and dried out flower stems. As it was a bit cooler today, it was pleasant outside.

    I tried counting my blessings while I was in the garden. It helped a little.

    I'm seeing a different psychiatrist end of the month whom I will discuss possible combinations of medications for pain and mental health with. I have had my name put down for a pain clinic as well so will see how long that referral takes.

    Only problem with living out in the bush is that a lot of services are in the city and miles away.

    Thanks to Pamela's suggestions I am going to try some visualisation later and take a trip to the beach right here at home!

    Thanks Mary for your kind words.

    Cheers from Dools

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  19. PamelaR
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools

    Memory caught up with me.... no it wasn't you who said the DR said to give projects a rest for 2 weeks. I've remembered!!

    I can imagine how hard when you're in a town with a not many people to form friendships. Though must admit, even in big ones it still has it's challenges. I've found that on many occasions. We've moved a bit in our life so have to make new friends.... Has been getting more difficult as I get older.

    The beach is beautiful this afternoon, no wind, just a very gentle breeze sweeping up slowly. The waves are gently caressing the sand and the sea gulls keep running up to miss the waves as they come in. LOL. They are funny to watch. I brought some chips to give them..... shshhh don't tell anyone. It's no good for them, but I do love to hear them squawk as they come chasing after a chip thrown their way. Won't give them too many. Don't want to make them ill.

    The rock pool is beautiful as the sun is setting, lots of reflected light on the shells and rocks at the bottom. Colours are just glistening - bright pinks, yellows, greens. There are lots of little crabs scurrying to hide from my wiggling finger in the water. A beautiful hermit crab is scrabbling along the bottom trying to get away from the strange finger. So I take my finger away, not wanting to disturb the lovely creatures. They are gorgeous and make my heart swell with joy.

    The rays of the sun are setting so we'd better venture back before the dark sets in.

    I've enjoyed our walk Dools. You're a treasure!

    PamelaR

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  20. Quercus
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Mrs D (and a wave to everyone else of course),

    I find it disheartening to hear you've tried to reach out to multiple groups to no success. Country towns are so cliquey sometimes. Any chance there is a gardening club you can join?

    When I read your posts they are usually so hopeful but these posts sound very worn down. It's days like these I wish I could give more than words to help you.

    Your spinal condition sounds awful. Is there anywhere locally which does massage or reiki?

    As much as I agree with distraction and keeping busy sometimes I just need rest. To just make a cup of tea and do nothing. I like the visualisation idea.

    ❤ Nat

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  21. demonblaster
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    So many beautiful people 🤗

    I imagined once a huge vat with an endless warm smooth soothing liquid gently pouring over my head and body. No mess .. just a feeling of well being and complete comfort

    When the mind wanders..gently refocus on consciously relaxing the muscles starting at your neck then shoulders. No hurry.. No time limit, freedom...feel the tension leaving the body.

    Absorb the peace.. remember the feeling

    Breath

    Dools 🤗

    Quercus 🤗 Strength to us all x

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  22. Summer Rose
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Doolhof

    I've been offline awhile and just checked in to see how you are going ...

    Reading all of the beautiful posts almost made me cry. This is such a special community, full of love and unconditional understanding. You matter. Many people care for you, even though we have never met.

    You have already been provided with many excellent suggestions for healing. I don't have anything to add to that but I want to share a story with you. When my daughter first fell ill about six years ago, I fell into the habit of star gazing.

    It started because the only time I could ever take a break was when my husband got home from work--and it was always late because I had to leave paid work to care for my girl and he had to work long hours to pay the bills--and I couldn't go far because my daughter needed me near, so I would just take a cup of tea and sit in the backyard to watch the sky.

    It was in the experience of being still and peaceful and connected to the universe that I came to understand there is magic in being. Out of just being flows all the colour, the excitement, the nuance and beauty that can be part of our human experience. I gave up organised religion years ago, but when I'm watching the stars I can still feel the powerful force that exists within the universe and I know that when it flows through us anything can happen.

    You may not have found what you need in the church but it exists in the world. It won't cure you but it may bring some peace. Never give up on hope x

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  23. blondguy
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools

    I really hope you have relief soon from these awful feelings

    I know you are a learned person that has helped so people with their own pain Dools

    For me....'Calm & True Acceptance' has taken a long time and determination but well worth the rewards

    Reference: ' Self Help for your Nerves' by Dr Claire Weekes. Its a very old book but she was the only psychiatrist that made her depression/anxiety public I was given this book by my psychiatrist and it gave me my peace of mind back....with my counseling appointments

    Make the black dog your friend and then he wont bite anymore

    Huge Hugs for you Dools x

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  24. demonblaster
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    5 March 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Beautifully said Rose

    The stars ... oh yeah ..

    We're part of what we see

    The beauty. Intrigue. Love em

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Doolhof
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    6 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Dear precious people,

    Thank you so very much for all your wonderful messages and words of comfort. Your encouragement is helping immensely. Sometimes this journey through depression is too difficult to do when you feel like you are alone. That is one of depressions traits isn't it, to feel like you are alone!

    PamelaR thanks for the image of the beach and the rock pool, I felt like I was right there with you. I also took a little journey to the beach of my childhood where we too had rock pools and feeding chips to seagulls with friends on a Saturday.

    Quercus I have joined a craft group that meets fortnightly, the ladies are all great for a chat at the group. Same with the Op Shop and the volunteer fire fighting. I make the most of the time I am with people. I will keep trying for a coffee and a catch up with some of the people and see what happens.

    I do have a monthly massage and my body greatly appreciates it. I need to keep up with my stretches and recently found my yoga DVD so will try to do that as well. Motivation and commitment don't always go hand in hand with depression!

    DB thanks for the wonderful imagery and for the reminder to return to being focused! Why is it that when we are so depressed, the things that we know will help us seem to slip completely out of our minds and we don't do them?

    Summer Rose thanks for the reminder about the stars and the universe. We don't have street lights near us so seeing the night sky is certainly easy to do here. Sometimes I think I stay inside with my husband because I worry what he will think if I sit outside to look at the stars. That is part of my issue! I worry too much about what other people might think!

    I also know the mistakes and blunders I make, so I just see Christians as people like everyone else, trying to do the best they can. At times I certainly don't act out my beliefs in a positive way!

    Paul, thanks. I will keep on working with that darn black dog! You are right though, the more I fight it the more it bites back. Reading books does help, for me it is just putting the information provided into practise.

    Thanks Everyone. The black dog isn't snarling at me so much right now as I have my friends here with me!

    Cheers all from Dools

    4 people found this helpful
  26. Ggrand
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    6 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hell Dools,

    You are so loved and you have a purpose in this big beautiful world that you will shine like the light that you switched on for many here on BB forums..Now its time for you to take this precious time to look after yourself. There's been a number of times when I've read your posts to others that you made me smile and you kept my spirits high. You're such a beautiful person and I know it's hard for you to stay positive in these dark times but you're doing an incredibly job we're all proud of you.

    You've been strong for so long, and that takes a lot of courage. You have helped countless amounts of people with your humour, care,compassion and love in your posts..Now it's our turn to help and support you..Depression isn't a weakness, it's an illness an unseen to a lot of people..

    Dools, when you start thinking the wrong thoughts, try not to feel the thought, just let it pass through your mind and let it drift away..or you could maybe try to distract your thoughts by getting yourself lost in one of the books you like to read, painting, you could paint a picture and use it for your avatar, I think Startingnew done that, or gardening, I've read a few times that you enjoy gardening.anything really to change your thought pattern.

    Its okay to cry, it's a release of our inner pain, there is no other way to release this pain, so cry all you need to..

    Dools, Please don't ever give up, I know it's hard to fight this but I believe that it can be done. It has been done, I've read it on here on the forums many times..Hope you have it, you won't loose it, it's in all of us, it's strength and belief that I think we loose, we need to find our belief that we can beat depression then use our strength to fight it. I think to go with it is not a good idea, I gave up and went with it, I'll never do that again, so Dools fight it with all your strength, believe you can beat it..please try everyday if you have to believe that you will win..

    You are a much loved person on these forums, we are all here holding your hands, we will hold onto you and support you as much as we can we won't let you go..

    Be kind and compassionate to yourself, like you are to others here, please try hard to do this...You are very much loved and respected here by me and a lot of others.

    Kind thoughts only,

    Karen...(Grandy).

    1 person found this helpful
  27. white knight
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    6 March 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Mrs Dools

    I have not much to say. So I thought I'd select a poem from my library. I hope you like it. TonyWK

    DRAGONS OF MY HEART

    I walked like a moping shuffling unicorn

    As men like me do when a woman’s scorned

    And blades poke through my toes of peeping grass

    I don’t know what to do till this agony will pass

    But my head rises as I spot colour of gold

    Colour I wont get tired of as I grow old

    So many colours I cant tell my favourites apart

    Snap dragons we planted… the dragons of my heart

    And so it goes I reflect upon my soul

    This is where our love will never dissolve

    She is my friend of a lifetime and no foe behold

    Beyond the horizons of chatter when I grow old

    Unicorn sprints among daisies of white

    Mane flows freely against sunrise so bright

    And the sun shone through tearing leaves apart

    Nothing compares with the dragons of my heart

    I pick a dragon or three of ebony cream

    My ticket to my loved one harmony redeemed

    Snapping dragons presented with a shaking hand

    Everybody knows and would forever understand

    Spirits rising when goosebumps misbehave

    Someone walked over my grave,

    And roots bathed by my cradled tears

    Flowers blooming year after year

    Horses galloping prancing unicorns

    Like eagles gliding through as spirit reborn

    And the sun shone through tearing leaves apart

    Nothing compares to the dragons of my heart…..

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Doolhof
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    6 March 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen,

    Thank you so very much for your very kind words. Some days it is a real battle to keep going. It is in the quiet moments that the depression can sometimes take a hold if I am not aware of what is happening.

    I know it is impossible to fight this all of the time, I need to find rest as well, and learnt o deal with the hard moments in a more acceptable way, one that means I am not beating myself up or expecting more than I can handle.

    Yes, there are lots of things I can do to help make myself feel better. I just need to keep reminding myself of those things. Believing I can beat it! Those are the exact words I wrote out for myself earlier today!

    HI Tony,

    Thanks for the lovely poem. You certainly do have a way with words. All those words around the concept of colour have helped to inspire me to get my paints out again this afternoon, so that is what I am going to do.

    My paintings don't look like much, the main thing is that I enjoy the process! Spreading a bit of paint around sounds like a nice way to keep myself busy for a while. I will concentrate on the combination of colours and creativity so my mind does not wander too much to the negative side.

    Thanks again dear friends,

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  29. white knight
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    9207 posts
    6 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Thankyou Mrs Dools

    Painting? Well a coincidence. My wife got her "paint by numbers" today and has started it.

    My lovely daughter (had ptsd and depression) painted a paint by numbers and it was a tall ship of the 1700's. it turned out magnificent.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  30. demonblaster
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    6 March 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Yeah.. the walls go up in a second. Its like that..we know we can do things they block our way.

    If we see them as transparent we could look through them rather than stop there.

    Like top to bottom the whole areas an inpenetrable solid concrete wall eh, we'd see where we want to go and be able to focus on how. Movement brings on energy doesn't have to be much.

    Why's it there? Calm questioning

    I dont either Grandy think its wise to go with it exactly.. to a point yeah, it is exhausting fighting Dools yip and I think it depends on overall mindset too. I'm SO scared to go back to the deeps like most episodes use to be. Still bloody hard but not as dark. That stopped me going furthur down. There's hell and hell. So I've got a block it seems in my favor. When we relax our walls drop, pain hits hard

    It is exhausting fighting..exhausting full stop!

    If we allow it as Grandy said it can take us in deeper so floating Dools. You're famous for that saying. Legend 🤗

    Hope you enjoyed your drive and change of scenery ☺ ohhh and thanks for putting those widdle darling cute ohhh gorgeous wee kittens in the cafe. Cute rr what aye, oh cant let go of em or stop watching

    Dools you're starting to lift.. keep going darl We're here for you ..holding your hands, gently walking you through

    DEEP care good lady⚘

    💖

    1 person found this helpful

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