You are struggling so much Elizabeth with everything. My heart aches for you. Are you able to hold onto anything that brings you hope, comfort and any sense of happiness. Even if it is just a small bit.
I know it is a challenge when we are wearing the dark glasses. That is how I describe it when things look... well not real good.
I am unsure whether this will help. But can you slowly look at all the photos you have taken of beautiful mountains and views on your hikes, your children when they were little, your cute little grandchildren doing simple things and smiling like little ones do?
Can you look at old wedding photos of you and your husband and remember the feelings and happy emotions you may have felt.
Can you look at a flower? Any will do. And notice, really study the petals. Does it look like someone painted the petals? Does the flower have a scent? Does it feel soft at all?
It may sound weird to actually try to notice beauty around you. And it may sound almost impossible as other circumstances, emotions and physical pain can speak so very loud sometimes. Fading out all that is good in our lives. But I assure you Elizabeth it is all there. The good is there.
You have so many happy adventurous memories with your children when you guys when hiking and such. Beautiful and special ones.
I care Elizabeth. Wish I could ease things for you. I will just leave some beautiful flowers for you here.