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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

Topic: Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

  1. randomx
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    13 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    The twin units sound like a good idea really and don't worry they'll start talking again one day. But eh , the kids would never leave then haha.

    rx

  2. CMF
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    13 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Didn't talk to M tonight. Had a really crap day at work. Not fair to just rant to him & I didn't have anything else to talk about. Also, I can't deal with him always having an 'excellent' day and his perfect life of having everything work out for him. I just can't deal. He doesn't understand and I think half the time hes5not even listening cos he's got his fancy air pods in that sis bought so while I'm talking he's doing other stuff on his phone. So frickin rude.

    We're just too different. Everything is oh well just do this or just do that. All so easy for him with all the support he has, people to bail him out. Besides work I had nothing else to talk about. I can easily sit and say nothing. He doesn't need me, he can talk about his day to his sis after work. What good am I? Oh that's right, Sunday drive and some fun now and then

    Whatever.

    Rant over.

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  3. randomx
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    13 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Ahh cm cm , incoming hugs.

    The oh well all so easy yeah , happy happy, the toys,an you know who yeah, don't cut it, l know. Hate to agree in this way but yeah you certainly need a deeper more soulful type of person.

    Rant away , we're here.

    Many hugs . rx

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  4. CMF
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    14 July 2021 in reply to randomx
    Yeah. He knew I'd hada bad day, he said time for a new job. When I messaged and said talk tomorrow, not on a good mood he just said OK. Didn't ask if I was OK. He supports me, but he isn't supportive. He doesnt6kniw or understand what I need, I have to tell him. He's a great person loyal, honest, generous but when things aren't so great for me I'm alone and let's face it, life isn't always great. Well not mine anyway. Things affect me, I'm emotional. He isn't. I'm really considerate and thoughtful, he isn't. I'm deep thinker, he isn't. We're 2 great people, as he said, but I'm questioning our compatibility cos he doesn't need anything and I'm not getting what I need from a partner.
  5. startingnew
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    14 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Hey CMF,

    Its lovely to see you too, im sorry your feeling very down though. Can i help with anything?

    My depression has a way of ruining things more then usual lately but still trying to do things anyway. Have a new thread going atm for a current situation that having some issues with. Ive just picked up a course as well so i am studying, its self paced though so as long as i finish it within the year i can get a certificate for it. The first assignment is in 2 sections one being a minimum 5 page report! Have had lots of issues physically one requiring an ed trip but looks like i might be slowly getting on top of things.

  6. CMF
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    16 July 2021 in reply to startingnew
    I'm really trying to get out of this mood I've been. It's so hard. We're in a 5 day lockdown again.
  7. CMF
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    16 July 2021 in reply to startingnew

    We're in 5 day lokdown again. I thought it was clear to M I hate WFH, guess I was wrong. Why am I surprised? I called him, he messaged he'd call back, late dinner. Got to 9.30pm, I was exhausted, told him that and said goodnight off to bed. Too much on my mind so I called 20 mins later. He was laughing and talking with sis and bf. Just the 3 of them having fun as always. Guess I was interrupting. He said today should be relaxing for me. I asked how? I'm working from home. He said it should be easy as little miss doesn't have school. Told him it's not just remote learning that is hard, WFH is draining for me. It's not as easy as my work set up, I hate it. I thought he understood this from last lockdown. Clearly not.I know he's trying to be positive, but it sucks, especially on top of my already down mood. He didn't ask if I was OK, didn't offer any empathy. Oh that's right. Ignore it, it will go away. We had a few moments we sat in complete silence. Wow. Awkward. Not sure if he was looking at things on his phone but there was just nothing. I tried to keep it going but it was weird. Absolutely nothing to say. Zip. He was speaking quietly too. Maybe he just knew how tired I was. We said goodnight, he said we'd talk during the day today. Not sure if sis' bf is working or not. I mean, I don't want to take him away from them, God forbid.

    I'm so down. No idea how to get out of this mood. I know hes trying to be positive but I guess I don't understand how people can be so happy ALL the time. How does nothing affect them? How do they have the ability to ignore, let go? Laugh, be happy ALL THE TIME?

    I just hate everything lately.

  8. CMF
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    16 July 2021 in reply to startingnew

    Hi SN,

    Many up and downs I see. I'm sorry you've been to the ed but it's good to hear you feel progress in getting on to of it.

    A course I hear. That's great! Self paced even better as it takes the pressure off. Do you get to interact or discuss things with others doing the same course?

    Best of luck x

  9. CMF
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    16 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    I need to change my attitude toward everything and everyone. I'm so negative lately, really fallen in a heap.

    Time to change and appreciate what and who I have in my life.

  10. quirkywords
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    16 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Cmf

    i think many are in a low mood. I am in 3 weeks into lockdown and am missing social interaction at volunteer work.

    I think when you are rundown it is easy to be negative and hard to change. Yiu know you are grateful for msny things but wanting a partner to be supportive and get why you are down and ask you regularly how you are, seems reasonable.

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  11. Tess2
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    16 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Dear CMF,

    please wake up, I know you are in the process of that but. “ he supports you but isn’t supportive”.... what the he is not supportive of you at all. He may well be a kind and lovely man, but he is not meeting your needs at all, nor does he seem that interested in that. He doesn’t offer EMPATHY, your words. I know the relationship ending will be very painful especially as it is the second time around, but you can’t go on being disregarded like this.

    this is undervaluing you as a person let alone as a partner.

    I am very concerned for your well being. Has he any insight????

    tess

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  12. CMF
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    17 July 2021 in reply to Tess2

    Agree, agree. He has no insight. Oblivious. Last night we had dinner at mine wasn't sure if his son was coming so put it out there that he could sleep over. We chatted about it he said if his son was busy and didn't come he could. He asked if my little miss would be ok with it, yes. He said I could tell her my bf was sleeping over. We did discuss we are in lockdown, nowhere for his son to go. Anyway, he turned up for dinner...with his son. Have to say I was a little disappointed. I know I invited his son but M could have said he was sleeping here. His son is 18. I joked and asked M if he chickened out. He just laughed. He's cycling this morning, i asked if he would have brought his bike here, he just laughed. No answers, no conversation, just a laugh. I'm trying so hard to make 'us' more than just a Sunday date but as always he has extras tagging along. Maybe I need to tell him I'm questioning our relationship and what he wants? He shows me he loves me with lovely gifts, he tells me with lovely words. We have beautiful romantic Sunday's together. Maybe he felt bad leaving his boys home alone if sis wasn't there, so what happens if/when she moves out? Will he never sleep here? I dont think I'd leave my 18yo daughter on her own, but she's a girl on her own. He has 2 adult boys. I've been prepared to wait and see how it goes if/when she moves out but...

    Are we really going to have to wait till the kids move out before we are really together? I know he's excited about spending nights together, I have no doubt but I'm confused.

    I'll need to ask him as I'm sure he was oblivious cos everything with him is 'whatever'

  13. CMF
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    17 July 2021 in reply to CMF
    I did it. I went there and confronted him about last night. He was showing me the finished bedroom with the rug and picture. He said he lives his room and I asked if that's why he didn't sleep over. He looked away, laughed and said yeah, he loves his room too much. I stood firm, arms crossed. I asked again, he hugged me and said he couldn't be bothered thinking what to pack. I said seriously, it was 1 night, how much do you need to pack. He then said he had his son. He would have to being him home and come back. I told him not to use his son as an excuse, he's 18 he could have told him he's sleeping at mine. M said ok, we'll do it next week. Told him may not be next week. He stopped and asked what I meant. Told him I may not ask again next week. That if he couldn't be bothered this week why would I bother next week? We had coffee, I put on a happy face, he said he loved me I left. I started thinking and messaged him saying if he cant be bothered making the effort to let me know. He said truth is he wants to be sure his son is OK with it as he doesn't want him to feel abandoned like his mother did to him. We messaged, told him I understand. I later told him we may need a break tomorrow as he lied to my face about his reasons and we're both big on honesty. After 3 years I deserve more not made up bs suggesting I wasn't worth the effort of packing a few things.
  14. randomx
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    17 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Ahh cm , afraid so.

    He has this weird idea that he can just put his head in the sand , just nod and nice his way around it all and be off on his merry way.

    l'm really sorry , this fellas really gonna take some training butttt, Sunday tomorrow and that usually pans out nice for ya , have a good one hey.

    rx

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  15. randomx
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    17 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Sorry cm your last post came in just as l was posting that one.

    The son thing is understandable but ldk why he hasn't explained all that to you a long long time ago and formed some sort of plan around things so that you two can have your time too. l mean like yrs ago.

    rx

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  16. CMF
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    17 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx,

    yeah work in progress. He messaged later saying we didn't have alone time last night for him to tell me and he wanted the right time. He asked what i thought a break would do but if ifelt I deserved more and a break gave me me that then fine. I called, he said He was surprised I suggested it as we havnt been discussing it. I understand these thing but told him I didn't appreciate the lie that made me feel I wasn't worth the effort. He did have an opportunity to tell me last night as his son was with my daughter be he felt caught off guard. I admitted he likes to look invincible, I guess what his ex did has affected him more than realise. He did speak to his son who was fine with it. He did ask what I want to do about tomorrow told him I guess he can come over. His reaction when I said may not be a next week surprised me. He looked a little shocked. He did apologise but I did point out not being bothered was a horrible feeling for me.

    I was really prepared to let go. I won't tolerate bs excuses. I want him to realise he shouldn't be do over confident that I'll just tolerate crap.

    My benchmark is sis moving out this year. I'm prepared to wait it out and see.

    2 people found this helpful
  17. CMF
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    17 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    To be fair, I wasn't ready to have him sleep over previously. We briefly mentioned it a month or so ago so yeah, he's had time to think about or discuss his concerns with me and his son. When I brought it up a month ago we didn't get into a conversation (of course), he did make mention of me sleeping there now his bedroom is all nice. Not gonna happen with his sis there. Speaking of bedroom, he moved a couple of things around, no big deal,but the way he said it I knew his sis moved them, they were too perfect. The way he said it, he knows where I stand with her interference. Don't think he would dare tell me she did it. He should know better by now.

    Walking fine line. I realised today I can let go. I can wait and see, got no where else to be,not interested in meeting anyone else. I can wait and see, but I can let go.

    No one controls my happiness and what I know I deserve.

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  18. startingnew
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    17 July 2021 in reply to CMF
    Im not sure what to say that might help but im here and listening CMF, sitting through the ups and downs with you xox
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  19. randomx
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    17 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Yeah , l do know what you mean cm.

    Even with what l was saying in my thread yesterday , l am still in control of myself either way things work out ,l don't have any hopes up and l know l will go on should l have too from here whichever way we go.

    And fair enough to with any sleeping over or time sure and it's also so tricky again with kids involved on top of it.

    ps , l think a bit of a shock might be a good thing too by the way.

    Have a nice Sunday.

    rx

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  20. CMF
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    18 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Sunday. Whoopedo.

    Yeah, that's what I think of it today. I think I should have stuck with having a break today so I don't have to try and be fake all day. I could have continued with cleaning out my cupboards.

    Maybe I won't be fake. I don't really have much to say so I won't.

  21. CMF
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    18 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Thank you SN. You are so sweet.

    RX, yeah a bit if shock may have made him think. We did have a nice day. A walk, lunch and movie at mine. I was very very quiet, he kept asking why. He made a few references to US, making a point of it meaning him and I. He knows I'm thinking of selling when older daughter finishes school this year. He said he's thinking the same thing. Sell, pay back sis so she can build her dream home, have no mortgage. O was surprised. He asked if we both did that and downsized who would live at who's place. I said we'd have to work that out but again, it's not an option with both our kids. We spoke again about the sleepover, he knew I was still upset about it. He said if his son didn't come he probably would have stayed over. I don't know. Everything different in hindsight.

  22. CMF
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    18 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Maybe discussions are happening. Sis has always wanted to build her dream home where the family home is, or 2 townhouses. M said she wants her forever home to be exactly how she wants it. She couldn't just buy any house and live in it. She's very particular. I'm surprised considering the crap she leaves everywhere. To build she'd need money, which she put into his place so he didn't have to sell. He's now saying he might sell, move into to townhouses they have. Give her money back and she can build. Said it's only fair she gets that back. Maybe he adked if she wanted to buy him out? Maybe he's finally realised enough is enough and something has to change. Yesterday was the 1st time I've been there in over a month. Maybe he realised?, I don't know why he didn't sell and move into the towhouse when he divorced. I know the Reno and pool had just Bern finished. I know he didn't want the kids to have to move, but it was 2 streets away and next door to sis. It was her idea to buy in and move in. If they're gonna sell now what was the point? She couldn't wait to move in and take over the role of mother and 'wife' as she was in a non relationship with her ex. Maybe she finally wants to be alone with her bf, doesn't need her brother's attention too. Maybe the penny's dropped. I did point out to M that he needs to consider how decisions and situations affect me too. That there are two of us in this relationship and how I feel about things is also important. So far I feel everything is about them doing what they want to suit themselves, especially with sis controlling everything. Maybe he did get a shock when I said there might not be a sleepover next week. I know it's alot of maybes. He kept asking what was wrong today, hugging me, kissing me.

    Has it finally gotten through? Is she finally ready to move on with her own life? The sooner she's out the better.

    Who knows.

  23. randomx
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    18 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Hiya cm.

    Oh yeah nah he def got a shock , that didn't hurt for sure.

    Who knows though l mean you might be right about sis now God knows daresay it'll come out . But yeah gees why didn't he just use the town house. l suppose a house and pool are better though eh, who knows , ask him.

    Anyway at least some pennies are dropping for sure, and at least sis could be on the way out the door not too faraway too - that's huge right. He's def' starting to take your stuff more seriously too for sure .

    Maybe some progress hey.

    rx

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  24. CMF
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    19 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Yeah and you know what. When i do tell him things that upset me i do see him make an effort to change. He admits his faults and so do i. I know all i seem to do is whinge about him but i do believe when sis moves on it will be different. Hopefully i'll be able to pop ion and not have her nose in everything and if he starts sleeping over, which looks like he will, well that gives us more time to be together alone.

    I was really proud of him yesterday, thinking g about the future and what to do with he house etc. Maybe i don't give him enough credit but I do see him change his thinking when i show or tell him different thigs. He does listen, maybe just not so good at showing things at times. I have to admit too, that i can be negative, anxious and I'm REALLY good at making up situations in my head that are not real or true. I can't help that and how things make me feel but at least i can be open with him and honest with myself.

    cmf x

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  25. CMF
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    19 July 2021 in reply to CMF
    Not so long ago Tess pointed out that I've been excluding myself which makes me feel more alienated and not a part of anything. As we know, My reasons are I have so little time with him that when I do I don't always want the family crowd. They don't get it and don't care so I've been drastic and not gone there at all. I know if he sleeps over and we have more alone time our connection will become stronger and hopefully I won't feel so annoyed by the others. It might feel like a normal relationship. He hasn't objected to coming to mine every Friday. I think he understands why. Weekends are ours. I hope his talk about the house yesterday means she's thinking of moving. It could mean she's gonna stay there till she builds. That won't be good. Not sure where their mum will live if she builds where the house is. Either way, surely she'll want to move back into her own house and be alone with her bf. Surely.
  26. randomx
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    20 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    lt's very understandable though . Funny , known a few really social types in relationships and l always wonder , don't they want the other side, don't they miss it , you know, hth do they tick . lt's mind boggling to me. But at least he sounds like he wants to try , sounds like they're both getting the message , and maybe her and the new bf are getting more serious too.

    Anyway , we can say one thing cm, you guys keep getting past things so that's a really good sign right.

    Take care

    rx

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  27. CMF
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    22 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Yeah you're right rx.

    I'm also really aware that sometimes the way we feel toward/about others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

    I asked if he wanted to sleep over tomorrow night. He looked surprised haha but said 'yep, let's do it'. I think he was too scared to say no bahaha.

  28. CMF
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    24 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Well, we had our sleepover haha.

    Was a lovely night and morning. Dinner, breakfast...

    M mentioned that he knows I can't stay angry at him, nor him at me although he said I don't do anything that would make him angry. I found it interesting that he mentioned it again. It must have concerned him as he usually let's things go. I adjed6if he was surprised I invited him to sleep over again. He said yes.

    Maybe he did realise how much the whole incident hurt me.

    Don't want to jinx it, but it was a step forward.

    Cmf

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  29. CMF
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    25 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Productive weekend catching up on things around the house. As we are in lockdown we couldn't go for our usual drive si it was a nice walk, lunch and and a movie at mine. Asked M if he'd want to sleep over again. His answer was yes. Human, we may have started something.

    I haven't seen his sis for over a month. Have only been to his house once(glad she wasn't there) since I re decorated the bedroom. It has been nice to have a break from her, to have time with M that doesn't involve her.

    I hope they are getting the message.

    I do have Sunday night blues and anxiety.

  30. startingnew
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    25 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Still here and reading CMF xox

    its good youve had a productive weekend, im sorry about the sunday night blues though. Can you do something nice for yourself?

    We are in lockdown here too and i spent the entire weekend at home doing nothing waiting on covid results. I dont do well sitting around for to long so was quite a challange for me too

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