Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

HI Quercus,

Welcome to BB. Thanks for posting your inspirational story.

It has warmed my heart to read such a positive post. I hope it will help many. The forums are a great place to share. There are so many benefits from participating here. It feels good to help others with our previous experiences plus we can learn and grow through listening to others.

It is wonderful that you are feeling better after such a long time. Depression can certainly twist your thinking in many ways. Realising that you are not yourself is made harder, as your mind overanalyses and does loop the loops without you understanding that something is not quite right. You have done well in reaching out to your husband and doctor for help. It is never easy to take that first step, like making your first post here, so here is a beautiful bouquet of pretty mixed summer blooms for you.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks again for brightening my day.

Lee !

Dear Quercus

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It is indeed wonderful that you have found the courage to post here. This is a safe place. No one will bully you, put you down, tell you it's your imagination or any of those judgemental comments. Have you looked at other posts while you were fighting your depression? There is a great deal of wisdom here from people who have gone before you in their depression stories. There is hope here.

It's good you said I thought I had no right to feel depressed. Depression jumps into lives wherever it can. Not picky or sexist or ageist or any other category you can think of. As far as depression is concerned people are just people. So if you catch yourself saying "others are worse off than me" immediately press the delete button. There is no better or worse when you are depressed. You are depressed, no two ways.

Pretty crappy psychologist not to pick up your depression however much "you perform for them". Your husband clearly knows you well and cares about you very much. Tell him I send him my congratulations and thanks for being such a good bloke. When it comes to mental health there are many folk who are simply too scared to see a doctor. Yes they may have a MI but it will not go away by itself or by wishful thinking, and sadly can lead to your way of thinking.

Your husband was right on the ball suggesting you write down your feelings. Apart from giving you some relief it gives you something factual to think about instead of having all those dreadful thoughts swirling around in your brain and getting more and more exaggerated. I have been there, planning how to end my life and I'm not sure how much of the time I was serious about it. But thinking in those ways is not a good idea no matter whether or not you think you will put your plan into action.

Can I clear up a little confusion? You said your husband made an appointment with a psychologist but at the end of your post you talk about a psychiatrist. If you don't mind clarifying please. These two professionals actually work differently. You need a referral from your GP to see a psychiatrist.

What a fantastic feeling to have lost those horrid thoughts and to feel you are finally starting your journey towards better health. As said above thanks for making my day.

I look forward to more stories of your journey. Please feel free to ask any questions you wish. We are here to share.

Mary

Hi Lee,

Thank you for making me feel so welcome. I'm glad my story has brightened your day!

Now that I'm in a place where I able to talk again without being overwhelmed I'm looking forward to being involved here and hopefully help others so I appreciate your response.

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply! Your comments were so right! I felt so guilty for feeling so bad when I should have been happy. I'm sorry that you have had to experience these feelings too.

I am blessed to have a husband who has experience caring for someone with depression and was willing to fight for me when I couldn't do it myself. I tell myself now the best thank you I can give him in return is to take care of myself and try keep this depression under control.

To answer your question, I was going to the psychologist at the beginning and when I went back to her with my letter she told me to get a referral to a psychiatrist from my GP. Unfortunately I can see why so many people fail to get the help they need in time. The initial psychiatrist I was referred to was booked out for 3 months. Hubby phoned around and found a sooner appointment and got the referral changed for me. I was not in a place where I was able to deal with the calls and I feel so sorry for people who don't have anyone who can help them in a situation like mine.

Thank you for the welcome and your words.

Hello Quercus

Unfortunately there are many who have no idea what depression etc is like and are unable to help their family member/friend. This is the saddest part of community attitudes towards MI. Push it aside, ignore it, tell others to pull themselves together. Mostly I think it is fear about what that deranged person will do or scared in case it is contagious. Both are ludicrous thoughts but not to the person thinking in that way. So we fly the flag when necessary and try to explain. Sometimes I even think it works.

You have a loving and caring husband and that is the best help you can get. How are you going with your psychiatrist? Early days yet I imagine but lovely to know you have a problem (you know what I mean) and it has a name and is treatable. I finally discovered I had sleep apnoea, but for some time beforehand I thought I was going mad, sleep deprivation.

By the way, do you know that Beyond Blue has a safety plan? Look under Get Support at the top of the page and click on Beyond Now- Suicide safety planning. You can complete the plan and email it to yourself. There is a BB app that you can download from the App store or google play. A handy tool to keep with you. Complete it with your husband.

Thank you for your kind words, especially about being in that dark place. Sometimes I felt it was a place of safety where I could hide from all the dreadful feelings. Not really a good idea but as we both know, depression does not make for having the clearest thinking.

And speaking of thinking, how did you go with your mindfulness? Did you teach yourself or had some help from someone with some skills. Not an easy thing to learn by yourself especially when your head and mind are in two different places. One of my favourite ways to 'escape' is to sit outside on the back patio, weather permitting, with a book and coffee, sometimes my CD player and meditation CD. I usually end up after a short while simply looking at the garden, nothing flash, watching the birds and letting the peace seep into my soul. It really is amazing. So inside or out, simply let yourself focus on one thing and stay there. I feel the garden settle round me, holding any other noises at bay and allowing my body to be part of the garden. The peace I get from this is amazing.

I also find meditation good for me. I try to practice morning and evening and I go to a group meditation one night a week. These are the things that help to centre us and give back the control we need.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Its fantastic how open you are and willing to share your experiences. One of the most common comments I've gotten from work and even friends and family is 'don't tell everyone especially not your work'. I just ignore that and tell everyone anyway. I couldn't care less if I don't get promoted because of a MI at least I'm alive to see my kids grow up.

Am I allowed to ask what brought you to beyond blue initially? Sleep apnea sounds about as joyous as psoriatic arthritis is to be honest... Have you found some relief?

Music is my saviour too! I put on headphones and block out everything but song. At my worst I learnt to block everything out but the music as my way of keeping the bad thoughts at bay. If I had time to think I'd start planning and obsessing so I just tried to focus on something else while the kids were sleeping and the house was quiet. And my garden is my escape. Before the arthritis was controlled I felt like part of me had died not being able to work in my garden. I moved like I was 100 years old. I try not to be afraid for the future but sometimes it creeps up on me.

Oh I have to ask, you mentioned the safety plan... does that mean even if the medication seems to work the suicidal thoughts can still come back?

Oh dear I've lost track of time again, these meds make me wide awake. I'd better try sleep. Take care and thanks for listening to me waffle!

Hello Quercus

Lovely yo hear from you. You sound quite positive and that is great.

Depression is a tricky beast which can return when we are vulnerable in some way. I believe we can live happy and fulfilled lives despite depression and to do this we must learn to be resilient. Everyone has problems in their lives, nothing to do with MI, simply the way the world operates. Being sacked from work or made redundant, loss of boyfriend/partner, death of friends and family members. Even the good parts of life can be stressful, events such as marriages, birth of a child, going on holiday, starting a new job, I'm sure you can add to the list.

These events place stress on us in various ways and if we are susceptible to depression we can fall into that pit again. We can help our resilience by doing the common sense things like eating well, exercising, sleeping, staying away from drugs etc. In short, living a healthy life style. But even so, depression can return and we need to be aware of this. One of the reasons for seeing a psychiatrist is to learn how you react to different situations and why. And then to work out how to recognise and manage these situations as they arise.

For example, if you were bitten by a dog as a child I expect you would fear dogs. After all it would not be a pleasant experience. What happens when you see a dog in the street? Do you run away, scream, hide, whatever. Once you understand your reactions you can decide how to manage next time you see a dog. This is a very amateurish explanation so I hope you get the idea. You and your psych can explore those areas of your life that cause you difficulties and you can learn to be more resilient. Have a chat to your psych about this.

Yes depression can return and depending on the circumstances can be severe. Having a plan is always useful because when you need something like this it's not the best time to start working out what to do when you brain is being misdirected. It's also a good idea to review your plan periodically, particularly when you know something is going to happen that may 'press your buttons'. I guess it's a bit like putting aside some money for emergencies. You never know if or when this will happen, but it's comforting to know you have the resources should the need arise.

I meant to write about the other comments you have made but I am out of words. I am not on the forum much at the moment. I am having a few days off. I will get back to you when I can.

Mary

Hi Quercus

I'm so glad you are feeling better. I just have an idea about your medication keeping you awake. Mine did that initially. I was taking my meds at night so I swapped them to the morning & hey presto! problem solved. I'm not sure if that's any help but I thought I'd share anyway.

Take good care of yourself, Lyn.

Hi Lyn and Mary,

I've been a bit out of sorts this week so it was a nice surprise to come on here and see your replies, I appreciate it, thank you.

Oh and Lyn thanks for the suggestion I did try that too but it made things worse so morning tablets for me haha.

I went and saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he's upped my meds and said before my next visit I need to have a good think about what kind of therapy I want to start. I've googled the types of therapy he talked about but I'm a bit overwhelmed.

I feel so much better than I did so I feel like I'm wasting the psychiatrist's time doing psychotherapy with him. I feel like I don't have any significant problems or reasons to take up his time.

I'm reluctant to go back to a psychologist I saw as she didn't even pick up on my depression...but I just can't bear the idea of having to have to start all over again with a new psychologist.

And of course there is the key issue.... Money. Money means prioritising by needs. I'm stable, so much better than I was and not having suicidal thoughts anymore I'm just irritable and want to sleep so compared to everything else in our lives I'm the last priority and therapy is expensive.

I'm not really looking for any answers just to vent. I get that I need to be proactive in looking after myself and I need to accept that my health is important but it's easy to make excuses when you're juggling bills and small children.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

Hello Quercus

I want to make a very strong suggestion to you. You are a worthwhile person and your needs are as important as those of anyone else. I think financially you will be better off with a psychiatrist as you will always have a Medicare rebate. If you see him reasonably frequently you will reach the Medicare safety net limit and will receive a bigger rebate, probably dropping your fee to a relatively small amount.

I do understand about children and money. I have four children and when they were small making ends meet was not always easy. You feel you are stable but don't let this fool you into stopping therapy or medication. You are on the recovery road and feeling about it. Stay until you have good coping mechanisms in place. Psychiatrists should tell you when they feel you can cope with life. Major depression does not vanish when you have been on ADs for a short time. It's very sad and to yo-yo your life with dark feelings etc, then feeling good for a short time is not the best way to go. Be guided by the psych and by your husband who obviously knows you well and therefore knows when you are going down.

Have a look at the BB safety proforma. It's an app you can put on your phone, so handy to take a peek at when necessary.

You didn't write in for answers but I have provided them anyway. Good to know you are feeling better.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Sorry I took forever to respond. Your advice is good and I'm grateful for it! I'm just waiting till my next appointment and am going to give the psychotherapy a go.

I've been unstable lately overreacting to everything little thing. I burst into tears at work and was a bit hysterical which is embarrassing thinking about now. So I'll give it a go I'd rather worry about money than feel like that.

Thanks for your advice it helps a lot!

Hello Quercus

Lovely to hear from you again. Never worry about taking time to reply. Take your time and write when you feel able.

I fell into a major depression many years ago. Was determined no one was going to know about it. Well I didn't know what was wrong, just knew I wasn't going to tell anyone. Fooled most of the people I worked with. One morning I walked into the office and saw I had left some personal writing on my desk. The shock of seeing there and wondering if anyone had read it (which was highly unlikely) tipped me out of my self control and I sat at my desk and sobbed. The room went very quiet until a colleague came and rescued me. Never felt so embarrassed in life.

I can smile about it now but it was dreadful at the time. It probably was a good thing as my colleague took me to a local doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist and I started my journey.

You asked a couple of questions about me above and I have never answered you. I came to BB on the recommendation of the psychologist I was seeing. This forum was a revelation to me. I vaguely knew about BB and did not know about this forum. I came, I saw, I stayed.

Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy? No matter what you need to do for the family, it is important you do things just for yourself. When my children were small I made all their clothes. It was practical but I did this because I like sewing. I am a total bookworm and my children have also followed my example. Not keen on the physical stuff but I do now attend an exercise class once a week. I sew embroidery and am a scrapbook person in fits and starts. This means I get the urge to do something specific, like make a scrapbook of both daughter's weddings, then put it all away until I feel another urge.

I have retired from work and now have several volunteer jobs. Just think, I stopped paid work and now work in unpaid jobs. What's wrong with this picture? What do you enjoy doing?

I would like to think you will drop in here and tall us how you are going.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Thanks for sharing your story with me and for carrying on replying to me. It's good to know something good can come out of an embarrassing public breakdown!

I wrote a letter to my manager asking for a meeting to try address some of the problems stressing me out at work and he replied immediately and took it seriously which was nice. In the meantime though the gossip is everywhere and when I came to work someone jokingly asked me if I was planning on a 'hysterical crying fit' today. I seem to alternate between feeling content and positive for the future and furiously angry and argumentative. Have you experienced this?

I keep trying to do things I enjoy when I can but I'm really struggling with my kids at the moment. I love my garden so we'll go outside and I'll unwind and so some physical work and feel more relaxed...then I look up and the kids have created a giant mess and I'm immediately back to a screeching banshee and gritting my teeth and irrationally angry again.

I'm getting time to myself but I'm just in a phase where I want to be alone again and anything makes me angry. Then I feel guilty for being so aggressive. Arrgh. I feel so much better in myself on the meds but I'm worried it's making me a selfish person who is just generally unpleasant to be around!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Hello Quercus

Talk about timing. I have just returned from a silent retreat. I was the only making a retreat, although there were others on a workshop. It was so lovely I wanted to stay a few more days, but cost... Three meals a day, no washing up, no housework, just me reading meditating, praying and eating. I feel so much more at ease and able to manage what seems like a mountain of problems. Most of them are not particularly big, it's just the timing.

It's sad when people gossip about you in such an unkind way. Mostly they think they are making a joke and have no idea how much it can hurt. And of course so many people have no idea how depression affects us. If your manager is such a caring person how about you suggest to him that he organise to have a speaker from BB to talk to the employees. Not just your group of colleagues but those from every department. You can tell I was a public servant once. You could tell him it would be good for the business and general morale to have management acknowledge mental illness in the workplace. Then when someone else becomes depressed and anxious, hopefully that work group can ask the right questions and support that person.

To have the recognition out there that anyone with depression is not living a good life and that it could be made easier by the caring attitude of staff would be wonderful.

Your mixture of feelings is quite normal. Did I hear a 'thank goodness'? It is a bit scary to realise you are happily going on your way when suddenly you turn into a monster, or so it seems. And there's no reason. I'm not sure but are you saying that meds are making you a selfish person? I really cannot see that. Your AD are helping you I feel from what you have said. This is a good thing. Gradually as they kick in more you will find your moods do not change so swiftly and you are more able to control your emotions. It will take time, don't I know this.

I would be inclined to say you were selfish if you refused to get help and refused to help yourself. You are doing the right thing, but at the risk of driving you crazy with my repeated words, it does take time. I know you want to get well and how frustrating it feels when you appear to be stuck in the same place. Your have taken quite a few steps forward so far, taking medication, seeing a psychiatrist, noticing the effect of your mood swings and trying to keep yourself busy to drive away the bad thoughts. That is no mean feat and you did it.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Wow the retreat sounds amazing! I'm glad to hear that you feel recharged.

Thanks for your advice and the reminder that feeling better is a work in progress! I don't mind if you repeat it because I forget that all the time. When I read my previous post I can see I'd forgotten again.

At the moment there is a lot going on (my work, changes with hubbys work, issues with money, medical appointments) and then we all got gastro and I'm shattered and overwhelmed. So I feel selfish cos part of me just wants to up and run or just stay in bed all day. I suppose thats normal when you feel sick but have to care for others first though. That's the joy of gastro you can't ask for help because you'll make them sick too. Ah well it will pass.

Thank you for listening!

Hello Quercus

I hope you and your family have all recovered from your gastro bug. Usually it's all over in a couple of days leaving you feeling like a wet rag. Go easy and be gentle on yourself. Sometimes I think the universe conspires to make sure everything goes wrong at the same time. I'm sure there is a cause and effect but not necessarily our fault.

I had a bit of a chuckle when I reread your post of 28/03 where you wrote I'm getting time to myself but I'm just in a phase where I want to be alone again and anything makes me angry. Oh how I know that feeling. I didn't want to come home after my retreat and I've had to slow down when talking to people to make sure I don't bite their heads off. Time and patience, but I'm not good at the patient part.

The love and care you feel for your children can be stretched a bit far at times. It seems that they do the wrong thing just when you are feeling most vulnerable. Not true of course. You simply notice it more when you are having a down day. How old are your children may I ask?

Please don't think of yourself as selfish because you feel like running away or staying in bed. It probably means you need some rest. Perhaps if your children are old enough you can explain a little about being tired and get them to do little jobs for you. I find my grandchildren feel very important if I ask them to do something. One granddaughter was helping me to write Christmas cards but her brother wanted her to play with him. "No I can't," she said. "I'm helping grandma." So we found a job he could do to help write the cards. And those are the times when they decide to talk to you about what's happening in their lives. If they are old enough to make a cuppa that always goes down well.

I gave up expecting my home to look wonderful all the time. I settle for reasonably tidy and not terrible dirty. I can live with toys and breadcrumbs on the floor.

Take care of yourself.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Your post gave me such a laugh (thanks for that) I imagined my kids making me a cup of tea like you mentioned and then thought knowing my kids it would be water in a mug scooped out of the dog's bucket haha! My kids are 2 and 3 and a half years old so we're not quite there yet.

Thanks for your reply and checking to see how I'm going. Hubby is the last to succumb to the dreaded bug but the rest of us are on the mend so it's almost over (thank goodness!).

You're right I was tired and overwhelmed (today has been a good day and I have a lot more patience). I'm also starting to see why people come to BB and never leave. It's really helpful to have a blue day and to have support from other people who have been in a similar situation.

How are you handling coming back from your retreat? I feel awful that I go on about myself and you mentioned you had some problems recently and I forgot to ask how you were going?

Hello Quercus

Glad I was able to make you laugh. Yes, the idea of toddlers making a cup of tea is either scary or amusing, or perhaps both. You said in your first post how old your children were but I didn't stop to check.

My retreat was lovely. Lots of quiet, lovely setting, nice food and no housework. What is there to be unhappy about there. There is no need to worry about my problems. I have a habit of telling people when I get upset about things so be assured I will talk about me at times.

Glad you had a good day. I think parents deserve a medal for bringing up children without throttling them. When my children got too noisy or seemed not to listen to me I would walk away. My daughter told me a short while ago that when I walked away they would all realise they had pushed a bit too far. I'm so glad they noticed. Do you have any special way of coping? It's a good idea to think about your responses beforehand. Then you can put it into action and hopefully save yourself getting cranky and then guilty. Children are past masters of making feel guilty.

My mom came to Australia a few times when my children were young. My youngest child, a boy, really had her tied round his finger. She would ask him to go to the shops and get her a block of chocolate. You know the family size. Mom was a bit of a chocoholic. She would give him enough money to buy a block for himself so of course he never refused. When I discovered this I asked mom why she gave him a block of chocolate as well. My son would go and get stuff for her without bribes. "Ah well," she would say, "He's got such a lovely smile." And he knew it.

Hope your are all well now and at least at the convalescent stage.

Mary

Hello again Mary

I wish walking away would help (my kids just keep following me whinging and clinging to me). I totally agree with the throttling comment too I watch other mums and think wow I'm either totally crap at being a parent or other mums are better at performing in public haha.

Haven't been feeling so good of late I'm looking forward to seeing my family at Easter just to hand off the kids for a while and sleep.

I mentioned I'd decided to try psychotherapy... I'd been thinking there were things I really needed to talk about which I can't talk to my family or friends about. But I feel wrong telling the psychiatrist and not my husband so I told him the gist of what I needed to talk about and why I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it (I feel weird telling my husband about a boyfriend in my teens- he knows the basic story but it's the details that haunt me). He was great and supportive and understanding...but bringing it up was a problem for me. I keep dwelling and my self esteem has just plummetted again.

I keep worrying would it be better to just keep it shut away? When I read some of the stories on here my experience is nothing in comparison. But it won't leave me.

When we bought our 5 acres I loved the block at first sight. It is our home and I can't wait to move there. Then one day I saw the local paper and saw the names of the ex boyfriend's parents and I was frightened and so angry. I felt like I could never escape from him. And that he was invading the place I want to raise my kids and be with my husband. And that there will be someone in the local community who remembers me at my most pathetic. I don't want my husband to see me that way it's not who I am.

I suppose it's good I've recognised what I need to ask the psychiatrist to help me deal with but I'm frightened about bringing it up all the time and how it makes me feel.

Thanks for listening to me Mary. I'm sorry to pile my issues onto you. I needed to just get that out of my system today so I can sleep.

I hope you have lovely plans for Easter. I'm loving Dools thread about three things to be grateful for.... Have you had a chance to read it? Take care of yourself 😊

Hey Quercus -

You remind me so much of a younger me!

Like Mary, I had 4 kids, mine having just 5 years between youngest to oldest. I got post natal depression with my first, but was young, and it wasn't recognised. He was around a year or 18 months old when I marched up to the local hospital, handed him over, and asked someone to take him before I killed him. I got support that day (sadly no one suggested a psychologist), but what was better, I got a "parenting plan". My son got help (he ended up at Early Intervention"), and my husband and I got lessons on how to manage him. Those lessons got me a long way.

I know what it's like to be a banshee! The frustration builds up to such a degree that it just needs an outlet. Afterwards I would feel embarrassed although everyone would toe the line for a while (Sadly I did it at work a couple of times as well and ended up being "performance managed"). Years later I found other outlets that allowed me to be a banshee less often, although it is only now I am seeing someone about my issues. I congratulate you for seeing someone now.

As for the ex-boyfriend's parents, I'm sure your psych will tell you that you build it up to such an extent in your mind, that it far surpasses the reality. It is a shame that it has spoilt things for you with the new block. Good on you for having the courage to talk to your husband about it - I'm not sure how mine would handle me telling him half of what I tell my psychologist, let alone what I have revealed on BB. You will learn to move pass it, make new memories, and enjoy all the promise your new home has to offer.

I love Mary's idea about getting someone from BB into the work place. Sadly bullies appear everywhere in life. We can't control what they say, only our reaction to them. Hopefully with a bit of confidence under your belt, you can let things go a bit easier.

Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you how "normal" were!

Take care

TA

Hi The Abyss,

Thanks for your replies. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggled with adjusting to life with kids but sorry you had to go through it too. Wow 4 kids in 5 years my hat goes off to you that would have been so difficult.

I know you're right about the block I'm sure we'll get there and my fears about seeing him in town will be unwarranted.

Talking to hubby felt like the right thing to do. I don't like the idea of putting thoughts on the internet which I'm not willing for my family to know. Someone wrote on your thread about fear about fearing being exposed that someone will recognise them and I completely get that.

Thank you but I don't think I want to talk about the ex. It gets me really down and I don't like that. I'd rather focus on the present and all the good things in my life now. But I appreciate you caring. I am going to work through it with the psychiatrist though don't worry.

I hope you're having a good day and am glad to hear you are getting some help (better late than not at all!). Take care 😊

Hello Quercus and TA

Hope life is a bit better today. Mine started badly. Had to go for a blood test and thought I had plenty of time before my next job. But no, my body decided to resist the attack and it was the third nurse who finally squeezed some of the red stuff out of me. So cotton swabs on my arm and finger.

Late for my job and as the other person could not start without me I was in trouble but we were friends by the time we finished. Didn't make up time though so was late visiting one of my pastoral care ladies. What a day and it's only lunchtime. Now waiting for my ladies group to arrive. I will be happy to get to bed tonight.

Quercus, please don't be afraid of the past when talking with your psychiatrist. I finally managed to talk about my childhood and marriage and it was painful. But it was also enlightening to hear what the psych had to say about it all. It's given me a much better idea of why I am the person you see (or read).

I love the word banshee. Not sure if I actually got there but on Friday and Saturday last week I think I came very close. It's a good job I have a wonderful support circle.

TA, just so you don't think you have the cornered the market in children, my eldest was five when I had my fourth. 😊 Not that I'm boasting. Oh yes, my third child had measles at the same time as baby four arrived. So there I was in labour dithering about whether to go to hospital while my poor son was abandoned to the next door neighbour. It's a good job we have children while we are young. Nowadays I can hand the littlies back to mom and dad instead of falling into hysterics.

Quercus I am overjoyed for you to know you have eventually been able to tell your husband some of the 'stuff' you have tried to bury. It's OK not to talk on BB but please tell the psych. Better still, write it down. I think you will find it's not so bad when you see it in writing. Go slowly, though if your psych is good he/she will not push you too hard. I think it took about a year before I got to the bad stuff. In that time I was busy telling her why I didn't need to talk to a psych. Hmmm.

Take good care of yourselves ladies. I hope to write in again soon. Going to have lunch tomorrow with my second daughter to give her daughter, my granddaughter, her birthday present. She was 14 on Saturday but chose to go out with her friends instead of the usual family party.

Mary

Dear Quercus~

I wanted to say thank you to you for sharing the memory of your special place in

Forums/ Staying well/ Store Your Happy Memories Here:

It was a change of pace - vibrant, alive. Those few lines painted a real complete world. I enjoyed it greatly.

I'm also glad the whole thread strikes a chord with you, I hope you can reach for it and gain a moment's respite when you need a lift

Croix

Hi Mary,

Hope you are having a wonderful time with your daughter and granddaughter today!

I did consider your advice about writing it down (I waffle when I speak so writing helps get to the guts of what I need to say) and it is sound advice. When I spoke to my husband I told him I try to bury it because when I think of it my self esteem shatters all over again and I feel ashamed and worthless. I'm going to try put it on paper before I see the psychiatrist even if it's hard because I'm tired of 'him' having power over me even now. So thank you.

Thinking of you and hoping you are having a much better day today although any day that doesn't begin with needles is a good day for me haha.

Take care 😊

Hi Croix,

I'm so glad you enjoyed my post. I think your thread is quite possibly the best thing I have read on the forums.

I love reading the stories on it (my favourite is Gruffudd's one about his grandma and the sledgehammer!).

Thank you for the thread and for the private reply you take the time to write to make people feel heard. I sat there this morning writing that memory and laughing... my kids were looking at me like I'd lost the plot.

Hope you're having a good day too 😊

Hello Quercus

You are sounding more positive and hopeful with each post. That's fantastic. Doesn't matter how small the steps are, you are taking them.

How is the writing going? Don't go back and read it. Stop when you get to the end of a story or when you get tired. It can be exhausting but so worthwhile. Then just hand it over. If you want the psych to keep a copy, ask him to photocopy it. I think you will want to keep the original. You can read it later, but make sure it is later, at least six months. Let the dust and trauma settle first. It will be a bit hard, but oh the relief at doing it and working on ways to manage this awfulness. Definitely on the right road.

Mary

Dear Quercus~

No, that thread is not the best place - though I'll admit it is pretty good:) (Gruffudd is amazing)

It's places where people improve - which from a quick re-read seems by and large to apply here.

BTW you said:

Music is my saviour too!

I find a great deal of enjoyment in other peoples' musical tastes - would not have discovered Tom Waits otherwise for one thing. If you don't mind my asking what do you enjoy?

If you are curious about some of my own listening you could look at

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/croix-parler

Where I natter on with others about such.

Croix (who firmly believes in distractions for bad times)

Hi Mary,

Hope you have had a lovely Easter! We went and visited my family so I put the writing on the backburner for now but I will try soon.

I like your idea of just writing and not reading it until I feel done. Sometimes I try something similar with paint or pencils and I always seem to end up with holes in the paper and a mass of scribbles that remind me of frustration and rage. Maybe trying to have to focus and get the words out will be more productive.

Sorry, I am not in a good place tonight. I'm always out of sorts having to come back to the city.

Hope you are spending time with your family and enjoying yourself.

As always, thank you for listening and for your help. It means a lot to me.