To every single person who writes on these forums....
What I have learnt and absorbed from you all in my time on the forums has been tested and proven itself since changing onto my new meds (which don't work for me).
I want to thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences with me and letting me learn and gain strength from them.
The suicidal plans have returned. Crept in stealthily since starting these new meds. However... and its a llife changing kind of however.....This time I am empowered. Because in part to you.
This time I unconsciously kept myself busy. Made plans. Kept around friends. Kept active. Spent ages on the forums. Too busy to dwell and surrounded by support and other people to focus on (lesson one learnt here).
But there's only so long you can keep that up. My family noticed I looked wiped. Mum in law took the kids for half the day. And the moment I had quiet I felt the thoughts. The plans. Just like before. But I have changed. Learned.
Old me was in the dark and confused. New me knew what has happening and why.
Old me was scared of myself and my thoughts. This time I knew they are just thoughts it's my actions that matter.
And on autopilot. All your words kicked in. The words turned into action. Keep busy (onto the running machine I went, then shower, then blowdry hair, dress, keep busy).
Keep safe (drive to psychiatrist appointment, tell him meds aren't working I feel dead inside, logical brain says wtf you are happy and want to live so so depression is talking not me). Start regime to reduce these meds and go back on old one which wasn't perfect but sorted these thoughts. Open mouth and tell husband what is happening. Ask him to take keys to the safe for his own piece of mind. Be honest about needing help. Asked a few friends to keep me busy. Booking off work tmw and going to tell my boss about suicidal thoughts being managed.
I am in control. I can manage this mental illness. I am empowered. I am stronger and more bloody stubborn than depression. I have people in my corner who have given me the skills to keep myself safe and to know what to do practically until it gets better.
So thankyou. Each and every one of you. Most especially to Mary and Stressless and Fiasco and TA and HamSolo01 and Croix and Annie45 because you have been or are in my shoes (regarding physical pain and depression and suicidal thoughts in pparticular) and iI learn from your experiences daily.
I am ok. Safe. 😊