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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Topic: Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

  1. Quercus
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    9 June 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi CMF,

    Thanks I appreciated your words this morning 😊.

    I think I need to put a giant sign on the fridge...

    Are you dehydrated?

    Are you hungry?

    Are you tired?

    Is it almost that time of the month?

    I constantly forget about these when I have a bit of a meltdown. And most of the time one or the other is somehow involved. Last night I was tired. I was overly emotional and feel more able to function after sleep.

    Still I do need to get a bit of a life outside of kids. I'm bored. It's not a helpful feeling.

    Thanks CMF. How are you going today?

  2. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hello Quercus

    I was thinking about what I do and if I get much intellectual stimulation from it. These are other things I do apart from volunteering which may give you a way to talk more about life than nappies.

    My book club of course is great. It's not just reading a book and talking about it, which is great. It's the conversations about life that arise from the book and our recognition of them in our own lives and this often leads on to other things.

    I am involved with a group of people who are writing a story about their experiences in public hospitals psychiatric wards. It started off as an article for a journal but morphed into a story. The journal article was not lost and is almost ready to be sent into the world. The story tells about one woman in hospital and the peoople she meets, what happens when she leaves hospital and follows the stories of all the people she meets. Their problems are our problem but mixed up so no one character is one of us. That is certainly hard work.

    I belong to a meditation group which meets weekly. On the first Monday of the month we meet at someone's home for a discussion morning. The host chooses the topic and we have had some great discussions. Not about abstract matters but how our lives operate. Much food for thought.

    I go to church every Sunday (usually) and I have a couple of jobs I do there. Nothing huge, just a helping hand.

    Perhaps one of these will resonate with you or spark an idea. Must go to the physio so he can fix my arm.

    Mary

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  3. CMF
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi again,

    I'm ok feeling a bit tired. I agree with the sign on the fridge lol.

    'Still I do need to get a bit of a life outside of kids. I'm bored. It's not a helpful feeling.' - Me too!

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  4. Quercus
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    9 June 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    What have you done to your arm? Are you ok?

    I like your ideas. I'm just flat. Uninspired. Maybe I'm just lazy. I had a look on the Volunteer Australia website and there are so many ideas and I just can't be bothered. I know I should but I'd rather just go back to bed and sleep.

    It's a weird feeling being bored and yet don't want to do a thing. Everything is an effort. Lazy me. Procrastinator exraordinaire.

    Sorry this is probably the most uninspiring post ever.

  5. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hello Quercus

    Thanks for asking. My arm was paining me last night and I took something for the pain. It's part of this wretched polymyalgia which I thought was going away. Well it is going, just wanted a parting shot I suppose. Anyway I see a lovely physio who is very kind to me. At least he's kind until he starts poking the bits that hurt. He stuck needles in me down my left arm and left leg then left me. No it's not painful in fact I kept going to sleep. He came back 15 minutes later and took out all the needles out. My arm is starting to feel better.

    When you feel flat there is not much you want to do. Ideas sound great if only you could get yourself out of the armchair. No need to rush, in fact better to let my ideas seep into you. As you leave them on the back boiler they will give you ideas of your own, things that you enjoy. It's good to see what others do, pick out the bits that resonate with you and use them as a springboard to find your own activities. By the way I left out tracing my family history. Endlessly fascinating but I have not done much in the past year. Now if you want a hobby that is totally absorbing than try that.

    Young children can be wearing and you get so tired. They have this seemingly inexhaustible reservoir of energy and can run around all day. It's good for them but not for mom who is no longer a preschooler. Just remember they grow up one day and have their own children. Then, when they tell you how tired they are, you can remind them they were just the same.

    Volunteer Australia is a good place to start. I found all sorts of opportunities there but never got round to any. Opportunities seemed to appear at the right time. When you are ready something will turn up. Grab it.

    It's a weird feeling being bored and yet don't want to do a thing. It's not being lazy it's coping with your life. Remember you are still going through a huge period of inner reorganisation as you and your psych explore your past. Just because you have moved past a huge part of life doesn't mean it's all over. There's more work to do. You need to consolidate what has happened and understand it. I know you probably do understand it mostly but let it sink in and let your body realise these changes. They hold so much comfort and healing for you and you have not got the whole effect yet. Patience, says the woman who can never wait until tomorrow. You will get back to your life and it will be fantastic.

    Mary

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  6. Quercus
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    9 June 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Needles! Arrgh! Like acupuncture or similar. At least it worked but arrgh needles!

    Well I spent the afternoon cuddling a puppy haha. So that makes anyone feel better! I like rottweiler puppies (not so keen when they're grown). He's already almost bigger than my 2 year old! Nope I'll stick with German Shepherds. What sort of dogs do you like? You mentioned once your yard is too small but if you could... or are you a cat or bird person 😊.

    Ancestry. Hmm yeah that's an odd subject for me. Mum is adopted and when we were small she asked for access to medical details because she had a cancer scare and they refused. So the attitude all around has been they are no family of ours regardless of blood. But secretly. Part of me longs to know culturally where I fit in and the obvious reason why did they give her away and block us. But it's not my place to ask. It's my mum's decision.

    Anyway I better get ready for work. Sigh. Ah well the sooner it starts the sooner I leave 😊. Tomorrow will be a better day.

    As always thank you Mary.

  7. Guest_3712
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    2003 posts
    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Loved all the ideas White Rose gave you and CMF was also right on point. I would just like to add something that has taken me a life time to learn. You can have different dreams and goals for every stage of your life . Maybe the dreams youre having now are long term and are in your future. What you can do now is to get yourself into the right place mentally and physically to make those dreams a reality one day.

    When I was little my dream was to live with a family that didn't resort to violence and intimidation to problem solve. To be with a man who loved me without conditions and expectations. To have children who would love me and never ever be afraid of me and know they were loved in return and were the most precious people in my life. Where hugs and kisses were the normal part of a healthy family dynamic and not something to be feared and suspicious of. for me all of these dreams came true and then some.

    So now my dreams for the future are different. How and when I get there is up to me and how I prepare, or don't, for the years ahead. Despite all of my setbacks and sometimes refusal to see whats staring me in the face, I do know I control my destiny as do you Quercus.

    Oh and one more thing. You may not realize it as you go about your busy life of husband and kids, but I'm sure one of your dreams would be to raise happy and healthy children who don't have to go through the struggles we did or if the worse should happen they would have the strength and courage to get through anything with the support of wonderful well adjusted parents. A dream all parents share I'm sure.

    Trust me as I've just seen both my children reach their thirties, those precious years where you have the best chance of influencing your children and shaping them into the confident self assured people we wish we were, go way too fast - those years pass in a blur , but the memories we create for them will stay with them and us forever.

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  8. Croix
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    9 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus (with a wave to Mary and CMF)~

    Hope you are OK -the idea of the sign on the fridge is pretty good, I might adopt it myself - with one obvious omission. A fair amount of my hassles are caused by physical conditions and I too fail to recognize them.

    I find just about the only times I'm bored are when I'm not well, physically or mentally. Depression leads me to it, as does recovering from a physical ailment such as an episode of my back. Maybe you too are below par.

    I wanted to thank you for the story of your grandma and the stamps in

    Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

    It fooled me and Shell til you explained. A lovely memory of those stamps and envelopes as snapshots in time.

    I really believe posting there does both writer and reader good.

    Maybe you will find out about your mum's family one day. Frankly I'd just as soon forget mine, but that's just me. Legislation changes as time goes on.

    Croix

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  9. Quercus
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    11 June 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix and Stressless (and everyone),

    ​Sorry for the combined reply it's been a busy day and time for bed to catch up on sleep. For a night owl I don't deal well with night shift 😊.

    How are you going Croix you've been a bit busier does that mean you're feeling a bit better? Problem resolving I hope.

    And Stressless keep your chin up. The receptionist is a troll and I hope you put in a written complaint! It is hard to admit financial stress but if it means you get the support you need sometimes we have to ask for and accept help. Nothing wrong with that.

    I feel good today. A day of swimming lessons and burning off and physical work and fasting.

    Busy busy and on the go so no time to worry 😊

    Take care of yourselves and I am doing the same and getting some rest. Talk more soon.

  10. Croix
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    11 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus, Stressless and All~

    Thanks for asking Quercus, I've had a temporary up in meds which translates into more energy, so more posts. I was getting to the state where my brain froze when looking at things, now it's a bit better. You sound better too.

    Like you if I'm busy the worry is more under control.

    I agree about Stresslesses' receptionist -a good description. Funnily enough I've often found it that way, not only in the medical profession but also other areas (like uni) where a person with very little knowledge or training tries to exercise some sort of power beyond their role. Can do a lot of damage (as it did in this instance).

    Then again I've always found it a little hard to reconcile charging large amounts over the rebate. While there must be a base level to cover expenses, wages and insurance, together with professional development I'm not at all sure such amounts as $300pc or more extra is always warranted, particularly as resources can be pooled even in a small practice.

    Health for the rich I guess. (Gets down off soapbox)

    Croix

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  11. Guest_3712
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    11 June 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix

    Glad you are feeling better and please forgive if I don't always ask . I do think about how you cope however as you are always the voice of calm and reason on here , something I need to feel when I go off on a tangent

    Re the receptionist yes good description Quercus- and as you said Croix for some reason some of these people do seem to be on a power trip for some reason

    Thanks again to you both

    When you get a chance Quercus if you'd like to tell me what u think re my post to you about dreams il like to hear your opinion

    have a good day all

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  12. Quercus
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    12 June 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Hi Stressless,

    ​How have you been feeling? Are you alright today?

    Your post about dreams needed a longer reply because it was curiously thought provoking actually.

    My dreams are weird. That's about the only way I can put it.

    I remember as a kid all I wanted to be was a mum and wife and work in my community to make it better like my Grandma.

    Then as I got older I found out I just don't fit in to this world. I don't care about a career. I felt lost and unanchored at uni because I didn't have a home or family or a tie to a place.

    I spent ages rejecting my dreams of home and family and community because when I left abusive ex he wrote me a 'love letter' where he dreamed of me being a homemaker. But the way he described it was as if I was barefoot and pregnant and a slave to his needs and desires. I feel like he took my dreams and made them repulsive and wrong.

    So I tried the career. I found home with my husband and kids but the moment I left work and started being the homemaker I started getting flashbacks to uni. Confusing past and present. Feeling shame even though I enjoy being a mum and wife. Feeling helpless at losing my financial independence again. And angry. So so so angry. Raging against him poisoning my life even when I feel content and safe with and loved my husband.

    On my bad days I despair. What is the point of living if the things you dream of doing bring up feelings of helplessness and shame and disgust?

    On my good days I can enjoy my life as it is without feeling tainted by memories.

    I'm slowly learning to separate my past from my present and my dreams. In order to do this I confide in my husband and keep commuicating. I trust him with my triggers and the knowledge of what happened that caused that to be an issue. And he proves he deserves my trust constantly just by being himself.

    But there are days. Where I feel complete despair. Where I drown in memory and shame. And can't feel hope towards a future where I don't feel shame just for being who I am and want to be. On those days I'm learning to ask for help. And wait them out. But it sucks.

    Sorry for the saga. I did say dreams are a funny subject for me. But good to write out and explain for myself so thank you Stressless.

    Please take care of yourself 😊

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  13. The Abyss
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    12 June 2017

    Hi Quercus - just wanted to drop in and see how work was going. Do you only do Friday night shifts at the moment? Was this week any better than last? Did you feel more comfortable, more part of the group this week?

    Anyway, just wanted to check in on you (and you too Mary!). It's 1:30 am and time I either stopped procrastinating or got some sleep!

    Take care

    TA

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  14. Guest_3712
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    12 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Thanks for response and I meant no pressure . I guess as I am older than you what I was trying to say was that your dreams and expectations change as you get older and circumstances change.

    As you so rightly point out trying to separate the past from present is very hard and also influences your plans and dreams for the future. I guess what we have to do is trust in ourselves that we can have the sort of life we want , without the restraints of the past holding us back.

    For me I never thought much about a future because I didn't really think I would have I one, but when I did I used to dream of living with the "Brady Bunch " they were my ideal family ! My school years were hell and my only dream was to leave, get a job and leave home. My dad died just as I got my first job, so then I got the career bug and did very well at it over the next 10 years.

    I have had lots of dreams over the years, some will never happen some are on the back- burner for now and some haven't really formulated yet but I know there are little seeds being planted . I refuse to believe all of these years of depression, addiction, and suicide attempts are for nothing . There has to be something to be gained from all of this .

    Anyway back to you- as ive said before you are so lucky to have a supportive husband to confide in , and I'm betting as time goes on and you become more adept at separating past from present, have more good days than bad you and your husband will have many shared dreams come true , and somewhere along the way you will also be able to work on your own personal goals .

    We both share that nasty habit of shame and self loathing coming back to overwhelm us when we are not in a good place, for now , but if we listen to some of the other posters on here we will in time be able to live with it and not let it totally control our lives. We have to believe that.

    Thanks for asking how I am - not sure really. I still feel so humiliated and let down by my psych and at this stage cant even think how or when I will face him again.

    Hope your day has been one of the good ones

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

  15. Quercus
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    13 June 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Hi everyone!

    ​I'm just popping in to say I'm sorry I haven't been online much. Have been caught up in the real world and haven't had a lot of time to myself. There are so many replies I want to write but they are going to have to wait for a few days I'm sorry.

    But I wanted to say I am thinking of you all.

    I'm pleased to see you have more energy Croix and your advice is always solid so you've been missed a lot!

    And Stressless and Fiasco and Annie45 and HamSolo01 who are all struggling at the moment my heart is with you and I'm sorry for the delay in reply to your posts.

    And TA I'm still in awe of you as usual and wondering how you manage so many things! Can't wait to cheer you on for finishing the assignments!

    And Mary I'm worried after seeing your post saying you've been unwell. Is that from when the physio did acupuncture or are you in more pain? Or down? I hope if you need to talk or need support you reach out too.

    And the list goes on... CMF and Kanga I've been missing joining in on the thread killer with you. But I'll be back soon to claim last place victory!

    As for me... I'm ok at the moment. Small victories like writing the list of what I would do if I had self confidence and doing two of the things on my very very long list. But I'm happy for my achievements.

    Talk to you all properly soon 😊 please take care of yourselves.

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  16. White Rose
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    13 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hello Quercus

    You have been talking properly. There is no requirement for you or anyone to constantly write in here. Take it easy and give yourself time to rest. Thank you for your kind thoughts. The fibromyalgia has bitten back a little but on the whole I am much better. I can now manage without pain relief, she said crossing her fingers. I am tired and I'm not sure why. Perhaps I do too much forgetting I am no longer in my twenties.

    It's interesting reading the discussion about dreams. When you and Stressless started this conversation I though you meant the dreams you had when you were asleep, not day dreams.

    I seem to remember you were going to have a rest from writing here. Not giving it up but reducing your posts. It can be very tiring writing to others about their problems, especially for you as you take everyone's problems on board. You write with compassion and make everyone feel good. That is a fantastic gift. In saying that I want to sound a note of caution. You are getting tired and this affects everything else you do, including your children.

    How many posts have you written that say it is only a short post because you are tired. 'Fess up. Your warmth and sincerity come through every post but you cannot heal the world. Leave a bit for everyone else to do. 😊 I have been tired for many reasons and I stop writing for a short while or I answer fewer posts. You need to take care of your health, mental and physical, and not throw yourself into a pile of other jobs to avoid some of your painful thoughts. It works I know, but at what price. Listen to your body, it has lots of messages for you.

    Now I need to go to various appointments. Talk later.

    Mary

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  17. Fiasco
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    13 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    thank you for all your kind thoughts, wise words and support. Please try not to worry about me, there is too much sadness in the world for you to add to your burdens with. I in turn will try not to cause you so much angst.

    I relate to some of your musings about 'dreams'. Mine have also changed dramatically throughout my life so far. At one point, I also was all about career, and then all about family. Loss of dreams or boredom/restlessness are also part of my problems I think.

    On a completely different topic, how is your gardening going? I sometimes miss information on threads - do you have a plot somewhere I seem to remember a mention of? No need to repeat yourself if it's already been spoken about enough lol. It's pouring where I live and I'm so glad, because my garden was starting to suffer from my neglect. What plants are bringing you joy at the moment? I have a Gallipoli rose plant in my son's memorial garden that is just beautiful. Hardy and prolific. (I never usually have luck with roses lol). I am also enjoying watching my bamboo slowly screening out my neighbours.

    How are your children? I hope they're not causing you extra pressure at the moment.

    Again, sorry I haven't been much of a corespondent recently.

    Fi

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  18. White Rose
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    15 June 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Hello Quercus

    I think you have been a bit quiet lately. Is everything well with you? Or have you decided to take it easy? That would be good for you.

    Fiasco asked about your garden and I am interested too. I can't get any forrarder with my design. I seem to have lost the ability to visualise, or maybe I am just procrastinating. I'm very good at that.

    How is your list of activities going? You do realise it will never end as you put more jobs on the end. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It shows you still have an interest in life and like to be orderly. Great stuff.

    Mary

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  19. Guest_3712
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    15 June 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Hi Quercus,

    Just echoing others and hoping all is well with you and you are taking it easy.

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

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  20. Quercus
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    16 June 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    To every single person who writes on these forums....

    What I have learnt and absorbed from you all in my time on the forums has been tested and proven itself since changing onto my new meds (which don't work for me).

    I want to thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences with me and letting me learn and gain strength from them.

    The suicidal plans have returned. Crept in stealthily since starting these new meds. However... and its a llife changing kind of however.....This time I am empowered. Because in part to you.

    This time I unconsciously kept myself busy. Made plans. Kept around friends. Kept active. Spent ages on the forums. Too busy to dwell and surrounded by support and other people to focus on (lesson one learnt here).

    But there's only so long you can keep that up. My family noticed I looked wiped. Mum in law took the kids for half the day. And the moment I had quiet I felt the thoughts. The plans. Just like before. But I have changed. Learned.

    Old me was in the dark and confused. New me knew what has happening and why.

    Old me was scared of myself and my thoughts. This time I knew they are just thoughts it's my actions that matter.

    And on autopilot. All your words kicked in. The words turned into action. Keep busy (onto the running machine I went, then shower, then blowdry hair, dress, keep busy).

    Keep safe (drive to psychiatrist appointment, tell him meds aren't working I feel dead inside, logical brain says wtf you are happy and want to live so so depression is talking not me). Start regime to reduce these meds and go back on old one which wasn't perfect but sorted these thoughts. Open mouth and tell husband what is happening. Ask him to take keys to the safe for his own piece of mind. Be honest about needing help. Asked a few friends to keep me busy. Booking off work tmw and going to tell my boss about suicidal thoughts being managed.

    I am in control. I can manage this mental illness. I am empowered. I am stronger and more bloody stubborn than depression. I have people in my corner who have given me the skills to keep myself safe and to know what to do practically until it gets better.

    So thankyou. Each and every one of you. Most especially to Mary and Stressless and Fiasco and TA and HamSolo01 and Croix and Annie45 because you have been or are in my shoes (regarding physical pain and depression and suicidal thoughts in pparticular) and iI learn from your experiences daily.

    I am ok. Safe. 😊

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  21. The Abyss
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    352 posts
    16 June 2017
    Hi Quercus - just checking in on you. It's lovely to see so many of the people you have helped drop by your thread and check up on you. It is a true testament to the caring you have spread since joining BB.
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  22. annie45
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    223 posts
    16 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus

    I've ready this post over and over. You sound so strong, so very empowered. I have such mixed emotions. I'm shattered that you're dealing with this now but so incredibly proud of how you have handled it. Your growth over the past 6 months as been amazing. And your gift to us all are your words. You have allowed us to be part of your journey, through the ups and downs and I have learnt so much from you. I sincerely thank you for your compassion, insight and caring.

    Keep fighting the fight. You are doing an amazing job.

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  23. Guest_3712
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    16 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    Sorry to hear you have been having a bad time with new meds- It's such a catch 22 isn't It ? Damned if you do and damned if you don't. But as you know through experience, this will pass and you will get better.

    The mind is an amazing thing isn't it ? What you've learnt and what I still need too is we can take back control and not let our negative self talk rule our life.

    You are one gutsy, rad, kick ass ninja lady !! Whoo Hoo ! OMG that black dog has been sent whimpering, tail between legs out into the cold ! No place to hide here !

    Whilst I appreciate the kudos you have to take most of the credit because as White Rose and Croix always say they get back so much from reaching out to others and as you are a constant on these pages, your support to others have strengthened you too.

    Keep flexing that muscle Quercus, it will get stronger and stronger- you go girl !

    Be kind to yourself

    Stressless

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  24. Quercus
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    17 June 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Hi everyone,

    Just dropping in to share the sense of relief. I dropped the meds and the mood swings and thoughts have eased (thank goodness that definately was not the medication for me!). Am very low but stable. And start my old meds today so it will be okay.

    I hope you are all ok too. Mary I've seen you about sharing kindness with everyone and I constantly want to reply just to say I'm thinking of you and hoping your pain is being managed and you're alright. I laughed when you were wanting my smilies 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 so there are a few for you.

    Am off to do burning off today. Got my permit for the verges and ready to go and keep busy. At the moment I'm supervising two little ferals devouring icecreams almost bigger than them. The drips are everywhere!! They're telling anyone who will listen how brave and good they were at swimming lessons hahaha. So a good day to keep me busy.

    Thinking of you all! 😊

  25. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    My very dear Quercus

    You have no idea of the joy you brought to me with your post. I wanted to read and cry at the same but they don't go together. Settled for crying after reading. 😊 Thanks for the smilies.

    You clever and wonderful girl (woman?). I am so happy you have found a way to keep yourself safe and be happy. Gosh, to think you were so nervous about talking to your husband and here you are telling him upfront what is happening. Got to be worth a few gold stars.

    I am very well. No pain for a few days so I am presuming it's all gone. I feel better generally and I think part of the fuzziness was taking meds for pain etc. Head clear, feet on the ground and cheering you from the sidelines. We may well have helped you in all sorts of ways, but you did the work, boy did you do the work.

    I may be a party spoiler but I do want to caution you. Not everything will be happy and wonderful in the future because our lives are like that. We have bad patches that have nothing to do with depression. Keep practising your routines, make lists and put them on the fridge, just ensure you have something to turn to when it rains. Hopefully it will only be light showers.

    I am so proud of you.

    Mary

    3 people found this helpful
  26. The Abyss
    The Abyss avatar
    352 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Ditto!
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Great to hear you have got meds sorted and can continue your positive steps toward better health and well being

    Glad to that your continued communication with hubby is bringing you the validation you deserve

    Keep up the good work

    be kind to yourself

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  28. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9226 posts
    17 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus,

    so happy to read you are feeling empowered and have sorted out your meds. You've been taking action to overcome your thoughts and get the support you need.

    so happy and proud of you. You have inspired me.

    cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    18 June 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks Stressless and TA and CMF I appreciate that 😊

    And Mary how do you always know what to say? I like how you said it won't always be wonderful I was so relieved that some of the dark thoughts were a side effect of the medication. It was just luck to be honest. I was kind of frightened of being back at square one. But you're right it can happen.

    And if it does that will be a hell of a lot harder. But one step at a time I suppose. I spoke to my boss he was pretty good about it if a bit freaked out at being told about suicidal thoughts and self harm. Part of me thought I'm sabotaging my future at work but the bigger part felt good that I'm putting myself first and accepting that I don't really care about a career and that's ok too.

    Anyway enough about me. I'm so glad to hear you're doing better Mary. Stressless and TA I've been thinking of you both and hoping you're alright too. And Fiasco you've been very quiet if you're reading I hope you are ok. And CMF I'm in awe of your patience I think in your situation I'd have lot my head and clocked the ex by now haha.

    Anyway better go check on the ferals. It's too quiet. Probably means the dog is covered in dishwashing liquid or something similar.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    19 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi again...

    Paranoia is the word of the day. how strange. I got a text from my Mum. Out of the blue. Said she was looking at a photo hubby took of me and thinking of me. Said I was gorgeous. Gorgeous? Huh?!

    I'm telling my brain to just shut up and accept the compliment. But paranoid brain is saying oh my goodness she's read my thread. I'm exposed. Sigh. Come on meds please kick in soon.

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