Hey Dottie;
You go girl!! Hope you get high distinctions.. Thanks for the compliments..Back at ya'.
Getting to know me..
Well, it's the end of a pretty average day, although the weather was nice and was good to see the sun and feel a warm breeze on my face. Thought I'd forgotten what that felt like..
Every now and then, I'm reminded of how ill I still am. I've been dealing with Centrelink and their bureaucratic bullshit. I re-read a letter from them this morning, and after more than an hr on hold, I gave up in a burst of profanity. I hate how I can't slam the phone down. Yeah..I know..I'm giving away my age. For those who've never experienced slamming a phone down with angry pissed-offhandedness, (yep, that's a real word) it's something of adrenaline fuelled mega satisfaction. Ah..the good ole days..
Sorry, I digress, the anxiety began to rise. My chest was filled with whirring energy moving up my throat which was throbbing. I felt sick.. A combination of dread and apathy hit me hard and was the impetus to lay down. My breathing became laboured, then panic came. I could feel my whole body vibrating, and combined with slight pins and needles in my arms, I could've sworn some invasive ghost was slowly brushing over me..eerie.
Personally, it's tragic. I used to fly through letters like this with ease. Thinking how debilitating today was, it's scary. But even more scary is the thought of being placed in a work environment with other people..no control. Being 'seen' while in panic/anxiety mode would be humiliating.
As I write, it's still there. I want 'them' to watch, hear and write in their little black books as I suffer. It doesn't matter though, their tables and points rule the roost; they're off the hook.
The word 'anxiety' loses power and description from overuse. It's just a word. "Even though chronic PTSD, anxiety, depression and panic has been medically diagnosed, you may still be able to work 15-22 hrs per week in the future. The maximum 10 points has been allocated, but is short of the 20 points required to satisfy assessment criteria. You only have one permanent disability instead of the required two."
Hmm...
Do they know me? No. I'm still getting to know me.
Depleted..Dizzy xo