Hi Dottie;

For one so young, your comments of wise counsel, encouragement and empathy are beautiful; you're beautiful. I so appreciate your contributions to this service, and to me specifically.

Discovering the reasons behind my patterns of reactions and behaviour has been at times excruciating. But I figure it can't be as bad as the fear I've lived with my whole life. That's why recovery can be hell, and heaven. I always say courage is necessary on that road and for good reason. Feeling like a victim is easy, but looking in the mirror and finding acceptance and forgiveness is important too.

I've said since my break-down, I'd like to develop a personally satisfying project to add value to my community. In the beginning of this thread, I thought event planning dinner dances for over 50's was right up my alley. It still may be, but I've discovered just how valuable BB forum has been for me, and hopefully to those who read my words.

Yesterday was a lesson in humility; today I'm reaping the rewards of self insight and forgiveness and; have the opportunity to share this process for others to hopefully benefit by.

I am a work in progress after all. I'm getting to know me...as well as you.

Recognising the beauty in me, and all of you...Dizzy xoxo

I suppose this thread re the way we identify with others, or feel a reflection of their opinions, is a subject many have commented on throughout this forum; gender, sexuality, goals or lack of them, loneliness and being stuck in a cycle of depression and apathy come to mind.

Who am I? The 84 million dollar question.

Sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, dissociation (and many other emotions/feelings), the past and dread of an unknown future, cloud our sense of being 'whole' or independent.

I suppose I've chosen this thread as a sort of blog, to allow others to be privy to my journey and how I've come to my place of 'self'. It's been a hard slog and fraught with indecision and loneliness. Now that I've accepted responsibility and accountability for my own life, it does feel alien and new at times; but in the same respect, a freshness and freedom of spirit is within me too.

I'll be posting here most days. If you want to respond or ask questions, I'm happy to engage. Otherwise, read on and hopefully you'll get some idea of how I've overcome my past to forge a path into my future with grace and courage. And, not forgetting my mistakes..so valuable!

My thoughts are with you...Dizzy xo

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you so much for your post. It really made my day 😊 And for the record, I think that you're a beautiful person yourself; it comes across in you writing.

I'm a little snowed under with uni assessments this week so will post a proper reply over the weekend 😊

Speak soon,

Dottie x

Hey Dottie;

You go girl!! Hope you get high distinctions.. Thanks for the compliments..Back at ya'.

Getting to know me..

Well, it's the end of a pretty average day, although the weather was nice and was good to see the sun and feel a warm breeze on my face. Thought I'd forgotten what that felt like..

Every now and then, I'm reminded of how ill I still am. I've been dealing with Centrelink and their bureaucratic bullshit. I re-read a letter from them this morning, and after more than an hr on hold, I gave up in a burst of profanity. I hate how I can't slam the phone down. Yeah..I know..I'm giving away my age. For those who've never experienced slamming a phone down with angry pissed-offhandedness, (yep, that's a real word) it's something of adrenaline fuelled mega satisfaction. Ah..the good ole days..

Sorry, I digress, the anxiety began to rise. My chest was filled with whirring energy moving up my throat which was throbbing. I felt sick.. A combination of dread and apathy hit me hard and was the impetus to lay down. My breathing became laboured, then panic came. I could feel my whole body vibrating, and combined with slight pins and needles in my arms, I could've sworn some invasive ghost was slowly brushing over me..eerie.

Personally, it's tragic. I used to fly through letters like this with ease. Thinking how debilitating today was, it's scary. But even more scary is the thought of being placed in a work environment with other people..no control. Being 'seen' while in panic/anxiety mode would be humiliating.

As I write, it's still there. I want 'them' to watch, hear and write in their little black books as I suffer. It doesn't matter though, their tables and points rule the roost; they're off the hook.

The word 'anxiety' loses power and description from overuse. It's just a word. "Even though chronic PTSD, anxiety, depression and panic has been medically diagnosed, you may still be able to work 15-22 hrs per week in the future. The maximum 10 points has been allocated, but is short of the 20 points required to satisfy assessment criteria. You only have one permanent disability instead of the required two."

Hmm...

Do they know me? No. I'm still getting to know me.

Depleted..Dizzy xo

Hi Dizzy,

Thank you so much for letting us come along on your self discovery ride. I like to think of us as your travelling companions 😊

I agree with you that recovery /forgiveness/acceptance all takes guts. I think because you have to peel away the layers in order to recover and find the core of yourself, it can be a very painful process.

And when those layers are gone, you're more exposed. Sure, maybe you have become more "you" but that means you're more exposed too, which takes some getting used to. And that's why I think it takes guts. So you, Dizzy, have some hefty courage.

As for your community project aspirations, I say go for it! You're already doing it- living it- here as you said so yourself. We all appreciate your ongoing support, intelligence and wisdom on the forums. I know that I'm not the only one who has benefited from your BB presence 😊

But the over 50s dance dinners sound really good too! The social side aside, it could help bring some lonely people together. In particular, the people whose children have left home, recently widowed, etc and might be more socially isolated. The dance dinners could be both great fun, and a chance to forge meaningful friendships 😊

Dottie x

Hi Dizzy,

So sorry you had to deal with all the ridiculous red tape. Unfortunately the people who make up legislations, and various other rules and regulations, often just don't "get it." I think some of them are completely out of touch, and the sad part is people like you suffer from their ignorance, and strict rules and points systems.

You are the expert on you, and you know if you can deal with a work environment or not. And judging from your post, the answer is a resounding no. But tell Centrelink that 😔

I'm not sure what else to say other than this situation really sucks, and that it must be awful to hit a wall with all this red tape (on top of everything else that you're going through.)

Big virtual hug and thinking of you.

Dottie x

Oh sweet Dottie;

You're a breath of fresh air! Following me on my blogging journey, has given me so much support..a voice in the darkness that hears me. You're a darling..

Your above posts have opened me up to some important issues. Dealing with red tape and goals of contributing to my community, often trigger feelings of fear and wishful thinking. (tears..) I'm still unwell. I know we say on here all the time how gentle and patient we need to be, but there are times my recovery success isn't enough.

I do acknowledge I'm not anywhere near the horrible mental mess of 2 yrs ago, but having a feeling I might actually be able to get back into the game so to speak, gives me hope; it's this that has me confused and afraid. Yes, we get challenged on our journey, that's a given. It does make the days and nights long though. Mental exhaustion..I can't run away from it.

Recovery, and helping those (of you) also in recovery, I'm finding has its limits. The temptation to stay, has been a source of personally destructive patterns during my history..relationships, employment and an addictive need to help. This is very difficult to write and accept.

Protecting me from my own lack of (helping) 'boundaries', as well as the affects of trauma and abuse, is confronting. Identifying that moment when enough has to be enough, has been a trial and error process. Feeling the need to be with people physically, and the fear of this happening may be paradoxal, but it's my world for now.

I want to talk more, but I'm so very tired and sad.

Thankyou again Dot...Dizzy xo

Hi Dizzy,

You sound distraught and overwhelmed. The emotional pain must be excrutiating- calling you from the inside out. I hear the exhaustion loud and clear.

I think that as much as we try to be gentle on ourselves, sometimes it's hard to put in practice. Like we want to be further along in the process than we are...doing more than we are...saying more than we are...like we (understandably) want to run before we can walk. I sometimes like to think of recovery as a bit like learning to walk again. From scratch.

But as you pointed out yourself, you're in a better head space than 2 years ago- even if it still hurts a lot and you're tired beyond words from it all.

As you once said to me on another forum, old habits die hard (I'm paraphrasing). Familiar patterns in relationships are repeated and can be hard to break- even if you try very hard. It's not a failing on your part but it's just the nature of the trauma beast. 1 step forward then 2 steps back then maybe 3 steps forward next time...

Maybe take some time out for yourself. As I often say in posts, you are your no.1 priority. Oxygen mask on self before the next person.

Right now, you're working hard on yourself, learning, trying and communicating and that's all that one can ever do.

Much love.

Dottie x

What an awesome thread Dizzy! You have loads of personal insight. We all assume everyone does and they just don't.

There's only so much the mind/brain can do. There are lots of Buddhist meditation teachers in US that I follow and adore but this is where I find Buddhism and meditation desperately naive. It doesn't account for trauma and early childhood development. Not everyone was raised in a nurturing environment, with a deep reservoir to draw upon later in life. Some lucky folk were, and they are streets ahead of us in terms of the sorts of relationships they can have and put up with in adult life.

It's not complicated, and yet it is. With your early life, major disruption in attachment, you need a warm body.

Don't go dating any fish.

Affectionate, warm, reassuring, good communicator whatever sex they may be.

Can't wait to meet them!

xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Dottie and Corn;

You've both been very kind and wise in your responses. I'm taking it in and processing as I always do. Learning from others as well as myself is important for the long term.

Getting to know me..

One of the hardest flaws I've had to face in me, is neediness. I'm not talking about times I should've admitted myself into psychiatric care and didn't; that's neglect. I'm talking about when the child in me is crying, and takes over my sense of adultness and rationale; PTSD 101.

Actually, neglect has a place here too. I learned from my carers and role models how to treat me and care for myself. When I was really sick, (I nearly died) I was left in my bed for 2 wks without the ability to even toilet myself and in a high temperature state of delusion, extreme physical pain and fear. The doctor and my parents should've taken me to intensive care, but they didn't. Theme sound familiar?

I've told the story of my disclosure (at 5 yrs old) to my mum about not feeling loved and her curt response, then her dancing around with my little sister mocking me; another theme.

I survived the most catastrophic birth 3.5 months early living in a humid crib for over 2 months. I wasn't touched except to be fed, bathed, changed and medically attended to..I nearly died. I'd never been touched by my mother and didn't know 'what I was' in relationship to nurses etc darting around me. This is the dissociation and alienation I've spoken of re my 'existence'. Theme 3..being in a bubble.

Crying out for (human) love, touch, care and identity. Themes, patterns and beliefs...trying to understand and acknowledge still being here.

I've only mentioned 3 themes, but there are so many, many more. I've been told by people; "You're such a survivor, I'd never be able to deal with that." I've lived through more tragedy than anyone I know or have heard of. After my 'bubble' I returned home as a healthy baby and thrived..then they took me away (I remember every second of that day at 20 mnths old) and my cycle began.

That's why 'hope' scares the bejesus out of me. Thriving and surviving, then rejection, being sent away, and more trauma has been my life. Now that I 'exist', what next?

Dizzy xoxo

dear Dizzy, there is so much that each one of us has to go through in life, problems which we think we can handle, but we have to struggle, hoping and maybe pretending to others or even thinking that we can handle everything but unfortunately this doesn't happen because we are not confident of doing this.
It could confusing, although we don't see it that way, because we feel as though 'it will be OK', that's where are problem begins.
Decisions or even statements we make are how we actually feel at that present moment, but as soon as we start to doubt our judgement, then we are not comfortable with what we have said and when this happens just means lack of confidence, so then we feel as though we need to change our statement, but you have strength in what you say, you have empathy and understanding on how you post a reply, because that's how you feel and your thoughts should never be taken away from you.
You want to reply to a person because you are concerned for them, so never cast any doubt on your comments.
I have not addressed some other issues, but this will happen over time, but Dizzy we are behind you in every way. Geoff. x

Many thanks Geoff!

As always, you're a light in my day. Yes I am caring and post when I feel I can help. However, giving this to me has a way of triggering old stuff, and getting through that is my purpose for this thread.

Knowing me and my patterns is essential in my recovery. What makes me tick, is an exercise in longevity, humility, guts, forgiveness and strategy; an evaluation and action plan of biblical proportions. If I were to make a list of all I've experienced in dot points, I would fill a few of these posts in word counts.

I do applaud my own courage and staying power, my ability to survive, to learn from my mistakes and those of others. Sharing my journey and experience/wisdom is why I'm on BB.

It's how I can give and feel of value. It is of course a 2 way street.

Grateful and warm thoughts Geoff..

...Dizzy xoxo

Hi Dizzy,

As is often the case, your posts leave me feeling pretty speechless.

You have so much insight that it's mind blowing. You write beautifully; even if you're writing about really painful things, there's a still a (sad) beauty in it.

I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like to transition from that bubble to your current "existence." What next is a good question? And I know you're not directly asking me of course (not that I would have the answer in a million years) but I think the answer lies in you. You're smart- you're like Cornstarch- you'll figure it out. That, I trust.

I like what Geoff said about not doubting yourself, and I agree with him that you're compassionate and understanding. If some random 20 year old can type and hit "Post this reply" on her phone- when a good 50% of the time, she has no idea what she's saying and crosses her fingers that she doesn't say anything too stupid- YOU certainly shouldn't doubt. yourself 😉

Much love from said random 20 year old,

Dottie x

Knowing me..

The past few weeks have been an exercise in dealing with foreboding and a stale-mate or sorts. I get this way when progress means change. It seems my interpretation of the 'abyss' is a good deflection from reality; demonising opportunities for change until I'm back in PTSD land.

It's interesting how I downplay my greatness and allow myself to live overshadowed. To achieve my goals, I need to acknowledge my wonder and wisdom; creativity and confidence. Pursuing this avenue has many times, pushed back my progress and recovery. However, not completely. My steps may be small, but they're in the right direction. So even though I freak out with panic and fear, that tiny light inside encourages me onward.

Today is one of those days; the calm after the storm. I've looked back at my beautiful tiny steps with pride. They speak volumes of my courage and stamina.

Last night I spoke with a Crisis Line psych who pulled me out of my perceived abyss, and placed me back on my path. (Sigh..) Relief and energy came as she spoke, and I knew I was back on track.

Understanding complex concepts is a plus, but being able to apply those concepts into everyday life is absolutely imperative. I once asked my Math teacher in high school; "How do I apply negative numbers to a real situation?" He couldn't answer so I took it upon myself to research relevant info. A chequing account (the old banking days) monthly summary held the answer. Once it made sense, I never questioned it again. My recovery is like this.

So today...I know me, my skills and how to use them. Love Math's!

Dizzy xo

Hi Dizzy,

I'm glad that you're celebrating your progress- and so you should be. I think that it's less about the distance of each stride and more that you're moving 😉

I like your recovery analogy. Who would have thought that a maths class would aid your recovery? You have a beautiful attitude even though I realise there's a lot of pain there.

So here's to recovery (and maths)!

Dottie x

Hello Dizzy,

I just wanted to say how impressive your thread and journey are (so far) and how inspirational it is to read, you are an amazingly special person clearly. There are many comments from others, like the wonderful comments from Dottie and Geoff, but I wanted to say thank you for shaking up my grey matter. Mine needs shaking up.

I really feel for your struggle and wish you every success on your journey, I know only too well how hard that is when your childhood lacked nurturing. That old line about what does not kill us makes us stronger eh?

I'll follow your journey from the sidelines, I wish you all the best and happy landings where every the journey takes you.

Hey Dottie and QM;

It's nice to know my words can help others to 'shake up the grey matter'. Both your responses help me with validation and acknowledgement. Much appreciated. Dottie, as always, it's a pleasure to hear from you darling.

Getting to know me...intimately.

While journaling this morning, I wrote about the relationship I have with myself and how this has changed over the past 20 yrs. I'm retraining my mind to stop having conversations in my head with others, a habitual trait I developed during the relationship with my ex.

There's an intimate self love occurring, and it's giving me a well deserved break from worrying about what other people think and feel. Existing separately from others is a concept well worth exploring and has benefited me immensely. I'm alive and living in my own skin and haven't perished..I'm truly independent; making decisions and choices, and living with the consequences.

I'm being kind, gentle, forgiving and patient with me, just like I would if I were my own child. I'm taking the reigns from 'her', and accepting responsibility/accountability for my actions, thoughts, words and feelings. My post trauma responses are a part of me, but they don't control me. I am an observer and my own emergency response team.

Life is a mystery; but it's also an adventure. I'm living it today.

Taking a load off...Dizzy xoxo

Hi Dizzy,

That was beautiful. Really beautiful. I'm so glad you started this thread. Thanks for giving us an "in" on your journey. Qld Mouse seems just as happy as me that you started this thread.

Your words of self love, self worth and independence are very powerful. I think that it will resonate with lots of people who are reading as I type.

Here's to Dizzy living today. You are a superstar.

Dottie x

Greetings again lovely Dottie;

I missed one of your posts on the 10th...sorry I only just read it.

Before I go, I just wanted to say something to you re your 'myself' comments. You have proven over and over how resilient, brave, beautiful, kind, intelligent and wise you are for one so young. I've said it before, and I have no doubt I'll say it again in the future.

Your validation and 'following' status is really important to me. Not just because you respond, but because you're still here. So many times we lose people along the threads, and having you here with me on my journey can't be compared.

Maybe I can get to know you too when you feel like sharing as I have. You definitely have the skill and writing style that suits such an endeavour. That's all I'm saying ok? It's up to you.

Anyway, I'm going to my 'gathering' this morning to work on Shed stuff. Timber, not letting go I mean. lol

Thinking of you...Dizzy xoxo

Aw Dizzy,

Thank you, that was a really moving (& completely unexpected post to read). It almost made me cry at uni today. It made my day 😊

In all fairness- like many others- I get a lot out of your thread. So I benefit too.

BB has been a very unexpected, emotional ride for me ha, ha. I think that I've been searching for a home away from home my whole life- if that makes any sense. Aside from the grandma stuff, I don't have the best relationship with my parents either- it's not bad but just extremely strained, you know. I mean, I moved out at 18 for a reason, let's put it that way.

So as silly, and not to mention unabashedly cheesy as it sounds, BB is a bit like a home away from home for me sometimes (I feel the tears starting as I write this). I mean, I see bits and pieces of myself in people's stories and comments.

But above all, I respond- and I don't mean just to your thread but to other threads too- because how do I explain this? Okay, I'm going to have to use a line from a Beyoncé song (don't laugh):

...because I know how it hurts.

I'm 20 but I feel like both a 5 year old and a 50 year old at the same time. I feel very much like a child but with the heavy heart of someone much older, you know. Contradictory and illogical but, meh, it's a feeling and feelings don't have to be logical.

Thanks for the compliments. I feel like I sometimes ramble more than I write eloquently (not to mention all my typos ha, ha). My story...maybe one day.

Thanks for being you.

Dottie xxx

You've gotta put in typos, grammatical errors and spelling mistakes Dots cos' it shits academics.

One other thing (before I hijack your thread ha, ha).

Behind my ATAR, the uni grades, work, blah, blah, blah, there's a lot a pain. Like so many of us here: public face and private pain.

Anyway, enough about me. This is your thread: people want to hear about Dizzy and not Dottie ha, ha.

Keep being amaze 😉

Dottie xxx

Oh my goodness, Cornstarch.

Your timing ha, ha 😂 Couldn't you have waited a split second for me to upload my second post before you replied? 😉

Yes, the academics hate it. There goes that HD, darn it.

Dottie x

Why has no-one ever researched this visceral mind/brain state, feeling young & frozen in time versus old and worn will navigating this.

Our research centre could be called:

The Centre for Delinquent Dinosaur Dualism

You've missed your calling Corny!

P.T.S.D.D.D.D. for short yeah?

Mwah!!!

Hi Dear Dottie;

I'm not going to write about me today on here as I'm dealing with some triggers. I will say though, hiding behind your words seems to be resurfacing pain. I've seen your recent threads and have replied to one of them. It is hard sometimes knowing how others are hurting, this is no less the case with how I feel right now about you.

We do form relationships on here, and this sometimes works out, and sometimes it doesn't. But while it's happening, making the most of it seems 'right'. I'm here for you...you know this. Hijacking my thread isn't the case; it's something for those reading to look at and weigh up for themselves. My journey isn't an isolated one, so talking between ourselves is productive...that's the way I see it.

I'll leave things there; I'm not very attentive..trying to cope with thought provoking triggers needs time and effort on my own.

Fight the good fight lovely!

Love Dizzy xoxo

Hi Dizzy,

Your thread is making me dizzy all right. Do you have what I need? I need an idiots guide to self love, self worth and independence. I agree with Dottie, your words are very powerful. I feel my gray matter being jostled.

Cornstarch, laughing my bits off ... well done.

Awesome thread folks. :-)

Hi Dizzy,

You take care of you today. I really appreciate how you're going through your own struggles (including today's triggers) but still put some time aside to talk to me. I appreciate that a lot.

Thank you, I know you're here for me and that really means a lot. And I have your back too; I'm here for you too.

You make me feel very supported and help me feel heard. I'm really glad you're on this forum and that you started this thread.

I guess I'm just not used to talking about myself so it's been a bit of a learning curve. And I feel guilty saying too much about myself whether it's on my own threads or others' threads. I guess it comes down to how there's still a part of me that thinks I don't deserve help or support.

Dizzy, you're amazing. I'm so glad we met, and when you're up to it (no pressure- in your own good time), I'll read and see what 2 cents I have to add.

You go fight your fight today.

Here for uou,

Dottie xxx

*Here for you.

I hope you're not going through a period of self doubt (or maybe I'm reading too much between the lines and am completely off the mark).

You Dizzy, are amazeballs 😊 You have done more for me- and many others- than you realise.

You have the Dottie seal of approval ha, ha.

Dottie xxx

I have made a significant contribution to The Centre for Delinquent Dinosaur Dualism this week.

I've loved your thread Dizzy, I hope you enjoy the glorious Spring weather, meant to be heaps of sun this weekend.