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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Thank you for the kind words 😊

    I'm glad you and X will be spending more time together. She really does seem to be intellectually and emotionally attuned to you, which is a gorgeous start to any potential relationship.

    As for intimacy, maybe just take it as it comes. I'm sure when the mood strikes, you'll know it's the right time. Maybe sometimes you just can't rush things and you just have to let things run its natural course.

    Thanks for the sparks (I hope each one plays a musical note) 🎧

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Wow, you seem very thoughtful and respectful. I mean, I don't mind if you read my threads. It's all good and you don't need my "permission" to read them. In saying that, it really was a very nice gesture to ask.

    As for etiquette, I'm pretty sure anything goes here ha, ha. We're all pretty open minded.

    I don't think you're posting too much. If it feels "right" then post away...I'm glad you can relate to us here.

    Dottie xxx

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  3. Just Sara
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    14 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Firstly...Hi D-Girl!

    I so love your responses hun. An old soul in a young body...stay amaze! I read with enthusiasm and gratitude that you're here with us, and your staying power to continue visiting this thread is much appreciated. Mwah!

    Hey Sweet-Corn!

    Missing you...hope all's well!

    Dear Croix;

    I remember people telling me not to be so hard on myself...back atcha!

    Rules on here only address formal etiquette ok? You've been invited and appreciated for your presence...nuff said..

    Continuing to tell your story clarifies your trust in us; that's an honour for me! Over time this will develop and evolve as it has with all of us. Trust of course is earned, unlike childhood 'unconditional' love which includes 'hopeful' trust. When this is eroded over time, it becomes part of the PTSD cycle.

    The most useful words my beautiful Psychologist said to me was; "Stop worrying about trusting others, and trust yourself!!" She seemed cross with me at the time, so I took it to heart. But in the following days it 'stuck' and was a pivotal moment in my recovery. It made decisions and options more complex for a while due to boundaries and self protection issues. But...I finally 'got' it!

    When all's said and done, we can only be accountable for ourselves. So finding greatness inside and accepting it, was one of my most useful insights. How else could I have ventured into a place called 'coming out'?

    I 'had' to take a risk and trust Corny's words and advice. It paid off big time as is now being realised in my physical reality. So glad I did!!

    One day I'll call this 'history'. Each decision I make will take me to where I 'want' to go. Not because who X is, but who I am. I'm proud as punch of 'me'! I've worked long and hard at accepting me and will continue to do what it takes; be forgiving of my mistakes, gentle and kind to me, and accept loss or love as a path to knowledge and insight. Either way I win!

    Hugs to all...Sara xoxo

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  4. Cornstarch
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    571 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey Guys,

    Sara, you're oozing positive change right now, I am so incredibly stoked for you. Ups & downs remain, but that's life, it doesn't matter how fast or how far you can run, who you fall in love with or hook up with, life is imperfect, because we are imperfect. I certainly am! But the energy shift really comes across even on an online forum and I think that despite the down days that inevitably come, you've made seismic shifts and you ought to be proud girl!

    Croix, I really want to chat to you about loss & PTSD because I can absolutely relate to what you have written with reference to minimising your stressors/senses to cope with PTSD. With regard to love, I met a beautiful couple at a funeral in your situation. They both had buried their wife/husband approximately 18 mths prior, but guess what? Although in intense grief they are so in love and so happy, but with tears in their eyes. They weren't using each other as rebounds, they'd genuinely connected on a deep level and apparently some judgmental people found this distasteful and disrespectful. I don't know about you, but 'life' has never been polite to me, especially as it concerns the 'timing' of events! Screw societal expectations and pressures, nothing like a funeral to re-remind you of what's important & that often we operate from a place of being concerned about what other people will think of us.

    Dots I see a lot of myself in you, so naturally I will worry. The 20s are rough! You've just escaped your own personal hell & you're trying to figure out 1. what the hell happened and 2. Where to from here. It is no mean feat to make it to 30 without at least one parent or tribal elder guiding you. You're amaze Dots!

    I suppose because I chat on here a lot about my PTSD and rape people forget I am also a daughter. A daughter of a desperately unwell Mum with schizophrenia who was traumatised and victimised in DV, & a daughter of a man that brutalised us all & killed himself. Xmas/NY is an extremely stressful time for my family. Mum is showing her usual signs she exhibits before a crash, and to top it off all the carers are on annual leave so of course we have to pick it up. When she's like this she becomes very clingy, especially of me because I lived with her after Dad died and held her up. Understandably I won't be around as much because on top of all of that I am processing my own nervous breakdown this year, and still coming to terms with Oh So How Very Low I got! 2016 I will not miss you x

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  5. Croix
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    14 December 2016

    Dear Cornie, Sara and Dottie all together~

    Thank you all very much for coming back to me with understanding, it's quite a relief. I was afraid that I might have caused the butterfly to start or change course - not because of anything specific but because I know the importance 'personal space' has in life and I had acted impulsively before thinking what harm I might be doing.

    The only tangible personal spaces one can have here are particular threads and also the trail of previous posts scattered throughout the site - some of which some people might prefer to forget.

    I do know that all of us are uncomfortable when personal space is encroached upon, and that if one has had to face the more devastating things that life has to offer the reaction can be very much greater (It was in my case when my injury was at its peak – the approach of anyone other than my wife and offspring made me want to back away - and even them on occasion)

    I'm most happy you all sounded comfortable with my delving a little further than this thread

    As all of you well know trying to offer even a crumb of lightness is so hard, it may be just about impossible at times. That’s why I came back here after reading Dottie's post and rabbited on abut trust – it was an attempt to do something rather than nothing, with the possibility it might help a little at some time - (maybe a bit like doing the easiest question in an exam first)

    Croix


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  6. Croix
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    14 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara~
    You seem so much more grounded now, and I think serving me back with something I had previously said might have had an element of enjoyment to it:)

    Please take time to just enjoy the feeling of the new relationship and new vistas before you, there may be ups and downs as Corny said, but for the moment just bask in it if you can - it may help help heal other moments.

    Croix


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  7. Croix
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    14 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie~
    Frankly the reason I looked beyond this place was because of you. All the way back you have being giving mature wisdom, comfort and support. That concerned me as in my life I've found eternal giving is not viable, there has to be a taking too

    That's not to say you other folks don't give - you do in spades! However Dottie you appeared really exceptional

    As a result I found the recent post where you were not in a good place (and you Corny sounded distraught too). While the fact you were in distress upset me, paradoxically I was a tad relieved that you were getting something more back than just the knowledge of helping, just helping can become a lonely occupation

    As you know I then came back here.

    Croix

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  8. Croix
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    14 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Dear Corny~

    I don't think in my case that's accurate, it was indeed a rebound, it’s just that popular myth holds that this is unwise/doomed to failure/unfair on the other. We both had very similar emotional experiences, still loved our deceased partners and were alone.

    We did however have room for more love despite the hurt (my idea is that it's one of the few things that the more you give out the more you have). We also were quickly able to relate one to the other because of our pasts and were helped along by attraction, humour and fun.

    I had the blessing of having an offspring and his partner (the lass who contracted leukemia) who really understood that wanting to re-marry was a tribute to the happiness my late wife had given and not an attempt to hastily discard her

    Talking of personal space - when my wife comes close, even when cross - I don't feel invaded, mostly I just want to grin (which makes her madder of course)

    < written with reference to minimising your stressors/senses to cope>

    Fact is I ran away, retreated, sought distraction, mostly did not face up to anything. I've always been a dedicated reader and sought refuge in books, though my choice changed radically. No more gritty realism. I lost myself in the innocent worlds of childrens' (or more exactly young adults') books.

    This no doubt goes against all known wisdom (and is probably fattening too) but I looked on it as respite. The drugs of the time were either mind-flattening to bulldozer standards or completely ineffectual, and that's all there was. Remember it was a very long time ago. A tablet can give relief from a headache, and escape gave me relief from my situation, pain, grief and despair.

    Of course I was no use to anyone else at the time. My wife and her mother bore the brunt of day-to-day living.

    Croix


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  9. Cornstarch
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    571 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Wow Croix how interesting.

    I was listening to a podcast not long ago, I have absolutely no memory of what it was called, but it was discussing various cultures and how Western culture is obsessed with marrying the perfect one ie the one and only true love we ever have and have spent years finding. Whereas other cultures teach that learning to love the one we've married can be just as satisfying in the long term.

    It sounds like you were hit by the PTSD stick many years ago, long before 1980 when it became legit in the DSM and the therapies on offer were far from ideal. Unfortunately they have not really progressed and we are offered stuff borrowed to help other stuff!

    I believe you are a police officer? Some moronic fool journalist in the U.K. has just claimed that non military people cannot develop PTSD and that we are insulting them to suggest we may. He's rant was in reply to Lady Gaga and Madonnas discussion of their earlier life traumas of sexual assault and that they essentially lied to seek attention and sell records. Maybe he'd be more sympathetic to police officers but domestic violence and interpersonal trauma apparently wash over us.

    We clearly have a long way to go.

    Regardless of your suggestion that you didn't cope very well you must be very smart to be able to experience such debilitating symptoms and yet concentrate well enough to read. I can't even read one page when my brain is funking out, it is so frustrating I scream at my head some days.

    So happy you had room for more love, and it's funning how you grin at your wife when she's mad. I love it. 😜

    I agree with you Croix re: Dots giving of herself. Remember traffic goes in both directions Dots, and you don't want to give and give and give where it is not appreciated or reciprocated. I learnt the hard way, take it from us older crazy cats, it simply does not work in life for very long before you run out of puff.

    Friendships, exchanges, chats, encounters, whatever, are meant to be reciprocated and there are so many takers out there ya gotta be discerning in order to take care of your own health.

    Enjoy your evening guys

    🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽

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  10. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Um...yes...I'm apparently 20 going on 90 ha, ha. Joking aside, thank you 😊

    I agree with Croix and Corny that there's a spring in your step (or posts) lately. And so you should be proud of yourself. Whatever happens with X (& life in general), you're starting to really own your life. You're finally starting to answer to yourself after all these years. You've come out and come into your own. Whoooohoooo!!!

    Happy for you.

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Croix
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    14 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Dear Corny~
    I was indeed a cop and initially diagnosed prior to the term PTSD becoming commonplace - in my day it was 'stress related disorders', I've had 'chronic anxiety added to it at some stage too.) but that's just a label. I guess it can make a difference in initial approach to treatments, however if it walks like a duck.... etc. hopefully the treatments chase after the symptoms anyway.

    As far as I can see mental trauma occurs in all walks of life, public popular conceptions not withstanding. Who is to say if military related injury is more harrowing than civilian - I certainly wouldn't try to make a judgment. All I can see is injured people.

    I didn't have to be smart to run away! I have been an avid reader since I was a tot. It's ingrained in me and at that time I wanted desperately to loose myself. I can't say I always got full measure out of each book, but definitely enough to whirl me way to a different, simpler and kinder world. I'd imagine from your posts you might get the same sort of respite from music - do you play?

    I'm glad you take the same view over Dottie, as I said I was somewhat relieved to see she was capable of sharing her pain too and inviting help (sorry to talk abut you in the 3rd person Dottie - no disrespect intended)

    As far as cultural differences in regard to marriage are concerned my own experience is that one is initially attracted to a person by their looks and their soul, and that learning to live together follows fueled by the love one gives and receives

    My view of successful dating is not quantity, but firstly having the belief you have something to offer, and secondly really looking at the person you are interacting with

    - Croix the vastly experienced talking here :)

    P.S. I'd still like to know why you say 'oink'?


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  12. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hi Corny,

    Wow, thank you 😊

    You're right, I'm definitely still figuring things out.

    Seriously, I don't know how you do it. I genuinely don't understand why some people are dealt the cards they are in life. You obviously love your mum immensely. Still...holding her up must be some hefty load- no matter how much you love her. If it's any (however small) consolation, I think your mum is lucky to have you because not all children would return to the family home to look after an unwell parent.

    Oh and your father's DV and suicide plus your PTSD and rape...I'm horrified and saddened by it all. I bet Sara and Croix are thinking the same thing as me, which is "where can we find a magic wand to make all this crap go away for you?"

    It's completely understandable if you're not around as much during the Xmas/NY period. You have to look after yourself first and foremost, not to mention support your mum. I'll miss you but oxygen mask on self before the next person.

    You really are amaze.

    Dottie xxx

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  13. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you, I'm touched that you care so much about my wellbeing. Much appreciated.

    I go through phases. Sometimes I'll open up and other times, less so. On other people's threads- like you- if I talk about myself, it's generally to either support a point or to show that I can empathise.

    Sometimes I'll shut down a bit in the sense that I'll still respond to threads but I won't really say much about how I'm currently feeling. The reason is talking about myself can sometimes reopen old wounds so I tread (somewhat) carefully when it comes to sharing.

    Usually when I do post about myself, that's when I'm really struggling. If I'm struggling moderately, I generally won't say much.

    And it's all good about talking about me in 3rd person. No stress.

    Now I'm just rambling ha, ha.

    Again, thank you. Your words meant a lot to me.

    Corny, I get what you're saying about reciprocity. You're right. In saying that, I don't really have expectations that most people that I respond to will write back or reply to my threads. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it a lot when they do but I just don't have that expectation. I generally have a fairly good idea of the handful of people who are likely to write supportive posts, respond, etc.

    It sort of reflects my offline life. I have a large circle of friends but only a small number of close friends. I know who I can and can't turn to in an emergency situation. So I don't get too upset when my random friends aren't there for me because that's just not the friendship dynamic- I don't expect them to be there.

    Anyways, that's my weird thought process ha, ha.

    You both stay amaze, okay?

    Dottie xxx

    Thank you for the love and concern.

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Sara, Corn cob and Croix,

    Croix, I realise this was more directed st Corny than me (apologies to all for briefly hijacking this thread) re: finding solace in music.

    I love, love, love music. Hey, I play! I'm classically trained on piano and thank goodness, my parents let me take the piano when I moved out (well, we had 2...then grand was off limits but they let me take the upright).

    I also play guitar but personally prefer the piano (not a reflection of the intrinsic quality of the instruments but it's just down to personal taste).

    Anyways, gotta get back to work.

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Croix
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322
    Dear Corny Dottie Sara

    Corny~
    I’ll think of you when you can’t post and hope the X/NY period passes without too many hassles.

    I apologize for being about to say what you no doubt already know – the three of you have the wisdom market pretty well cornered - however another voice can sometimes bring something to the forefront of the mind

    Dottie is right, your Mother is very lucky you are there for her, please don’t try so hard that you expend all you have to give – a generous portion of it has to be for you. Sometimes it seems like it's ruthless not to answer an urgent need immediately. Often however those needs are endless. Another of my extended family is like that and her needs are never met, except on the shortest of terms basis.

    Blood donors cannot donate till they drop. They have an external body that does not allow them to exsanguinate themselves (they pull out the tube and stuff a biscuit in your mouth). I guess self-regulation is harder.

    As you’d be aware from other times your presence can in itself be a comfort, even if not acknowledged.

    I’m sitting in my office in the back room, the clock is ticking on the wall, the house is quiet and the un-Cheshire cat has dis-appeared to it's bed. This is exactly the same as after my first wife died, same room, same clock, same house. It’s completely different though. The house is quiet because my wife is away at work but will be home, her presence is with me. My state of mind is so different from when I was really by myself. Your Mother must get the same feeling - at least at some level.

    oxygen mask on self before the next person is a great way to put it. It gets rid of all thoughts the person might be selfish or has the ‘me first’ attitude; and just simply sets out what’s necessary – a great phrase Dottie, Ta.

    Dottie~
    Ta too for the appreciation – don't be surprised though, your well-being is worth anyone’s concern. I’ve read most carefully you neat, logical and self-reliant account of how you operate and your 4-unit odyssey at the Uni - and also your reason for your un-avatar. –Hmmm.

    I'm also pretty please with your message about your solace in music that just came in whilst I was writing this - I would say "ain't that grand" - however that would be inappropriate under the circumstances (& it's impossible for you to hijack if it is impossible for me :)


    Sara~
    It’s lovely to just say enjoy! What's your next avatar going to be?

    My affectionate best wishes to you all

    Croix

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  16. Just Sara
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    I'm sitting at my laptop a little emotional (in a good way) reading in awe. I couldn't have anticipated a better group to converse with. Isn't it beautiful how each can bring out the best in others and vice versa? I'm feeling so grateful and humbled by the above posts. Actually, somewhat inadequate. This isn't to say I don't feel of value, on the contrary; I've been left with little to add as you've all been doing a fab job contributing.

    As with MarkJT's thread on concentration issues re PTSD, the many matters above blend as I read. I want so much to add my say, but continually have to pan upwards to revisit your words. It saddens me...

    On other threads, the issues are defined from the get-go, so focus is easier. On here, I can be me and talk about my day to day stuff knowing there's 'listeners' who care. This new format is challenging me; please don't take this as a negative as challenges are my way of staying alive. What I'm asking for is patience and tolerance if I don't address each issue with wise counsel or compassion for instance ok? It may take time for me to adjust.

    I appreciate every syllable of beauty from your amazing souls. Each in your own way shows individualised spirit, wisdom and intellect much admired and respected by me. I've only just accepted these attributes in myself. You mirror those qualities I've avoided seeing my whole life, so having you all in one space together has me in fog brain mode, however..."this too shall pass"

    Croix..I've been thinking about changing my Avatar as the fight in me is subsiding. Unlike Sarah Conner, my son doesn't need me to protect him anymore and fear of an unknown future is fading. Her physical prowess was my goal in life, but it too is morphing into...well something else.

    CornSpirit/Star..I recall your words re 'pre abuse' trust/love; it struck a cord. I've organised LGBTI counsel from a local psych who was also involved in the Catholic Priest (necessary) 'Inquisition'. I'm looking forward to meeting her in January. Your subject will be my first question..thankyou sincerely.

    My dear sweet D-Girl..your discomfort with my compliments gives little room for comment sometimes. I personally 'suffer' when people can't seem to accept their greatness. This isn't about you; it's a need in me to feel safe. I mentioned above only now accepting my own greatness. I hope one day it will strike you down peacefully as it has me...

    Cyber hugs...Sara xoxo

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  17. Croix
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara
    Dear Sara~
    You have in some ways glimpsed the secret garden, the one surrounded by a high wall with access only via the most rigorous and bloody of efforts. Inside urgency is less, decorations and follys take the attention, trees give ease.

    Adjustment from taking time to washing away the blood of daily fights leaves a hole to be filled. May I respectfully suggest you don't consciously try to fill it. Talk about anything, it does not have to be a 'Great Thought'(tm). The feel of your day, misplacing a spoon in the kitchen (or spooning with X), it does not matter, your friends are interested and will gain from it, we will enjoy it no matter what it is and revel in the contact with you.

    Corny was right in the further battles will probably be ahead - that's life. Changing your avatar is fine, but remember you ARE a warrior - something cute, pink and fuzzy might be a tad over the top:)

    I suspect that soon enough the inner strength, tenacity and skill of the fighter will be required, maybe in different ways than those which you are used to. Turn your thoughts to peace (and trivia:) in the lull

    Affectionately, Croix
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  18. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for reading my replies so carefully (and for tolerating the many typos ha, ha). Also thank you for the care and support- I appreciate it a lot.

    Oh yes, music is my crutch. Goodness, you guys have just started me on one of my favourite topics (& things in life).

    I'll come back with more relevant responses to everyone's posts later but can I just be self indulgent for a bit and harp on about music?

    Music is my safe place. Some of my happiest and most cherished memories revolved around music.

    My first piano teacher introduced me to Beethoven, Brahms, Schumann, Chopin and a whole host of other composers. She hosted recitals at her place where we (her students) performed. I remember having to learn Italian terms that were/are commonplace in music, which I thought was oh-so-boring at the time but am now grateful for learning.

    Later on, she recommended me to a concert pianist for tutelage. I still had to audition for him and it was incredibly intimidating; he was a great pianist and I was this little nobody. Anyway, he took me under his wing. I was so happy!

    Compared to my first teacher, he had (understandably) much higher expectations and also had a different teaching style. My first teacher would often play multiple pieces for me and ask me to choose one to learn.

    Whereas the concert pianist more or less dictated what I learnt. I didn't mind though because he was very talented and knew his craft. I learnt a lot of Brahms under his instruction (plus other pieces but he adored Brahms).

    Sometimes he would play clips of different renowned pianists performing the same piece to give me an idea of how a piece could be played. I remember there was a Chopin piece (I'm embarrassed that I don't remember the name of it) but he wanted me to play it with more "tone" so showed me how to elicit a richer sound from the piano.

    I remember he once gave me chocolates (for Xmas) where the packaging had Mozart's portrait on it. Of course, even when it came to chocolate, he had to bring music into it ha, ha. I'm not sure if his poor wife could ever compete with the piano (which I firmly believe was his greatest love).

    Anyways, I like contemporary music too. It's all about "the feels" for me when it comes to music.

    Sorry to bore you guys ha, ha. Self indulgent moment down memory lane there 😉

    Y'all stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

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  19. Croix
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie~
    I think that may be the first post I've read from you 'con allegrezza' 'senza dolore' AND hardly a word of support to others either - it was happy - 'bravo'!

    If we could all train ourselves to be as kind to ourselves as you did just then - even half the time - we'd be mighty indeed!

    Affectionately, Croix

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  20. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Thank you Croix,

    "With liveliness" and "without sorrow" indeed.

    I don't really know what to say other than to say thank you 😊 You somehow reworded my "self indulgence" into kindness towards oneself, which was definitely unexpected. That's very generous and kind of you.

    I think you and Corny managed to touch on something that makes me tick, which just so happened to be music ha, ha. Seriously, I could go on about music forever (and ever and ever).

    Can I ask do you play any instruments? I'm very curious!

    Many thanks again for your support and your help in bringing out a different side of me (the side whose eyes light up at the sound of music or the promise of a discussion about music).

    Sorry Sara and Corn Star, I'll zip it about music in a bit and we will return to more relevant stuff. You know I love both of you too!

    Dottie xxx

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  21. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Wait...technically it should probably be "without pain/grief" ignore the sorrow part...I was thinking more doloroso)

    Dottie xxx

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  22. Just Sara
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie;

    How absolutely joyous! I reiterate Croix in rejoicing the absence of those in need within your text. The 'tone' of your words 'were' richer...you made me smile, and allows me to get to know the beautiful young woman you are just a little more; translucent, creative, expressive..eccezionale!

    Music can create a pathway to the heart/mind/soul for certain; It can 'touch' us with abandon, memory, rhythm or whimsical naivety. In my childhood it was the backdrop to each day, an escape and destination all at once.

    I asked my mum to send me for piano lessons, but the cost was elaborate considering her gambling addiction. So I tried to teach myself on an old beat up piano in a church hall each Friday in Kids Club run by Father Jones; he called us "odd bods" and was a wonderful male role model.

    At times throughout my life, putting my fingers on the keys felt 'right'. Not being able to read music was a hindrance, but didn't allay my love for the melodies I created. (and copied) Your love of music reminded me..thankyou so much.

    Croix...your love of reading comes across magnificently within your well formed expressive sentences. I have chills now thinking about them and how they make me feel. I love words..writing. This site has given me a platform to develop a style, and..I continue to learn from masters like yourself. So thankyou..

    I have re-evaluated what the term 'fight' means to me. I really appreciate this conceptual addit of yours re my Avatar; thought provoking and wise. Again..thankyou.

    I'm in a transitional stage as Corny states, which also includes moving from a war zone mentality into peace. This has me more prone to confusion than anything else. However, as with my other changes in thinking, it'll take practice and commitment to solidify so acceptance reins as a matter of course. I've felt it today bringing tears, an unknown quantity I'm beginning to comprehend albeit a little awkwardly.

    From my opening post on this thread 12 mnths ago to these very words, I've evolved. Like childbirth, the pain fades with time leaving us to enjoy our reward.. 'creation'. I am birthing myself..

    War...what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

    Incredibly grateful...Sara xoxo

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  23. Croix
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie Sara Corny

    Dottie~

    I forgot one of the most important things to say about your post. I enjoyed it's content immensely, hearing about your teachers, their differing techniques and the composers they chose - it was interesting and afterwards sparked my memories - if I may speak for her; Sara understands and it sparked her memories too - good ones. I'm in a happy place because of your post and I get the feeling Sara is as well - if Corny reads it I'm sure it will have the same effect on her - now look what you've done!

    When I was a kid I went to British Public Schools. One of them, apart from the obligatory OTC, had a music hall in which Mr S (who had lost a leg in the war) played the piano at choral practice. Mr A (who hadn't) was conductor and mentor. We learned the proper way to sing; breathing, technique, diction etc and it was a joy. I ended up in a choir singing the Messiah before a noted conductor in a large venue. I too had to audition (but dipped out on the chocolates).

    After that my voice broke and I've a now lot in common with Lee Marvin when he sings 'Wandering Star'.(I still have my Handel score 60 odd years later though)

    Sara~

    I beg to differ. The war had a use - it forged you - the strong, intelligent, vibrant woman with perception and humanity, one I look to for so much. It has helped equip you to face the future with capability and strength and without the same fears

    I can picture you with the 'odd bods' and piano - it makes me smile. I think we really help both ourselves and the others by recounting happy fragments of our pasts.

    Corny~

    I know you have other things on at the moment, I hope you get the chance to glance though these posts. I'd really like to know about you musical tastes, I suspect they are pretty diverse, a fond memory too would be wonderful if you were in the mood.

    Sorry to get more serious but I keep remembering your bleak view of your future when talking to Dottie the other day. I can say one thing (and it applies to all 3 of you) - you are not broken. Maybe battered, torn, squashed and bleeding but each of you has an inner core.

    It glows through the pain and circumstances like torchlight through fingers in a clenched fist. I've seen 2 men who had been broken and you are radically different, you have the stuff to prevail - they didn't and just existed.

    Although I don't understand the context - have an 'oink'

    Affectionately, Croix

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  24. Just Sara
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    15 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi again Croix;

    I just had to respond before retiring; your last post gave laughter - Lee Marvin singing, (belly laugh!) I'm old enough to get that reference! Tears - yielding to the positivity, clarity and caring in your words. Sigh's - counting my blessings that people like you, Dottie and Corny exist and are held in high esteem within my circle of trust. Nodding in agreement - your (plural) wisdom and courage to say it how you see it, instils trust that I'm not as scary as once thought. And, that wisdom has such power to give me pause...

    This thread has evolved too, thanks to our collaborative efforts. How amazing are we? Totally...

    Sara xoxoxo

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  25. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi,

    Croix, I think you have brought something really different to this thread. I mean, I know everyone brings something slightly different.

    But maybe, in a way, you were the missing link, so to speak. It's as though you're the long lost member that we didn't know about and now that you're here, it's like, "oh yeah, your being here makes sense." Like Cornucopia and Sara, I'm grateful that you're contributing here.

    Thank you, I really enjoyed reading your choir anecdote. Your love of singing and music came across in your writing. Performing before the noted conductor must have been one of your musical highlights or at the very least, a fond memory.

    I have to admit that I didn't know who was Lee Marvin. So I searched for "Lee Marvin wandering star" on YouTube just now and listened to the song.

    I personally feel it's pretty evocative and my interpretation is it's a sad song. Even before Lee started to sing, the music grabbed me in the gut as there was a sorrowful quality about it.

    Wow, he has a very deep voice (& now I get your reference- thank you YouTube!) but I think that added to the sadness in the song. Deep tones can evoke so much sadness sometimes.

    I'm impressed that you kept your Handel score after all these years. It must be very special to you.

    Dottie xxx

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  26. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    As Croix and Corny have said, you're in a transitional life stage. You're/we're evolving so naturally your thread- your metaphorical (online) baby- will evolve with you/us.

    Hey, you're doing the best you can. As you know, considering your PTSD, it can be challenging to concentrate so please don't be too hard on yourself. In saying that, I realise it doesn't lessen your frustration that you have so much to say yet there's a brain-mouth disconnect or brain processing disruption at times.

    I agree with Croix that maybe just play it by ear when it comes to posting here. Your title of the thread is "Getting to know you....or is that me?" and we would all like to get to know you. "You" isn't limited to only profound thoughts but it's also your daily routines, interests and other idiosyncrasies that make you the person that you are today.

    I bet there are so many mixed emotions behind those tears- loss, relief, triumph, grief, fear, second chances, love, understanding and hope. Re-birth tears.

    I'm glad you now accept and celebrate your own greatness. It's beautiful to see your self-esteem gradually mending itself. Thank you, maybe one day I'll see myself in a different light but right now, I'm still figuring it (life) out.

    I heard something online where a woman said "music saves lives." I couldn't agree more as it's the universal language. I'm glad you also found a home away from home in music when you were growing up.

    Thank goodness for your Kids Club and Father Jones because sadly, yes, music tuition can be expensive. I agree that a note or piece- regardless of whether you're the composer or it was someone else- hits home, it can tease out a whole spectrum of emotions. That's the real power of music, right?

    About your avatar, maybe the right one will come to you in good time. You'll know it when you see it. I'm still avatar-less but if I ever put one up, it would be have to be music related.

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Brainwave: I don't know your current financial situation but would you ever consider investing in a piano or even a keyboard? New, secondhand, whatever...

    I only have a piano now because my parents let me take the upright because there was no way that I could have been able to afford a new one when I moved out!

    There are piano and keyboard YouTube tutorials or you could borrow library books (or even get lessons). I'm only commenting because you seemed to get a real kick out of your piano days with Father Jones. Or maybe you could even try your hand at another experiment?

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    *correction: instrument (not "experiment")

    Dottie xxx

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  29. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Corny, Sara and Croix,

    I'll be out later tonight and have a big weekend with friends on Sat night and Sunday so there might be a delay in my responses. I'll be back Monday 😊

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Just Sara
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    3398 posts
    16 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hi Dottie!

    It wouldn't be out of place to say you've been on a roll when it comes to posting the last 24 hrs yeah? So generous of spirit and words. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading and smiling along with you. I agree, Croix has bought with him his kind and positive soul to liven up our days with encouragement and wonderful anecdotes. There has been a shift...

    I thought deeply about your advice to bring a keyboard back into my life. I purchased one for my son yrs ago, and he attempted to learn a classical piece (sorry, can't remember the name) and was doing well until the hard bits. What is it with kids these days and instant gratification?! So anyway, he refused to touch it again so I took it to my mum's and she dabbled until she grew tired of it. It's still sitting in her linen cupboard.

    I've decided to get it back and have been given a print-out of local tutors by a girl at our biggest music store; she was lovely. I touched the life-like keys of an electric keyboard that felt like that of a piano. I smiled with glee. But the cost swiftly took the smile off my face.

    We also discussed the differing learning abilities of adults vs children. There are books to assist with this too. Thankyou so much for bringing music back to me!

    Croix...re me being the person I am today due to my war-like history; this can only be said in hindsight my friend. Yes, I've said it myself. The reality is though, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I've had to grieve the woman I could've been as part of my therapy, it was a very painful exercise. I have acceptance and I have goals for my future. The past has been survived, so there's no more going back.

    The fight in me has to stop! If I were to say the next 5 yrs of fighting would be worth it due to being a better person on the outset, I wouldn't cope. It's been more than enough...no more!

    Anyway, my eyes are tired and I need to rest. Thankyou both for reading and contributing; more positive anecdotes...yes please!

    Hugs...Sara xoxo

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