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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Topic: I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

  1. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy

    There is never a need to apologise for not posting. We all post when we have the energy and have something to say, otherwise we stay quiet. Take this at your own pace without feeling you are obliged to post. Talk when you are ready and say as much or as little as you wish.

    Having said that I am interested in how your psychiatrist session went. Only when you are ready and only as much as you wish. Please do not exhaust yourself by posting in everyone's thread. This can be an exhausting business, so take time to be you.

    I love getting together with my family whether we go out for a meal or get together in one of our homes. Nothing like family to be there when you feel upset. Does anyone know you are getting therapy?

    In my last post I asked if had considered getting a dog. Maybe you already have one. If not then consider increasing your family. Dogs are so accepting and ready to give affection. I have always had a dog in my home until my last move. I used to sit on the floor at home when I was a child and talk to our dog. He knew all about my troubles and he never told anyone. Now that's a friend.

    Pets can play a big role in our lives and also with our MH. To sit and stroke your cat or dog is therapeutic. Taking the dog for a walk is one way of getting out of the house because the dog needs exercise so you get some exercise as well. All good for your MH. If you cannot leave the house then get a smaller dog and play with him in the garden. Again a win/win all round.

    How do you go with gardening? Nothing like immersing yourself in the weeding. Good symbolism as well. Growing plants, watching them thrive, grow and flower. Lovely. Do you take take writing your poetry outside? I think that would be another source of inspiration. Sitting in a comfortable chair looking at your garden, cuppa and notebook at hand, is so refreshing. Another way of relaxing and letting peace soak into your body and mind.

    Reading is also good. I recommend reading 'Living with IT' by Bev Aisbett. 'IT' is anxiety in its many forms. This is a small paperback you can read in half and hour and come back to and find more. Perhaps your local library has a copy? I think you would enjoy the light touch, cartoons (stick figures) and jokes that are a reflection of ourselves. Enjoy.

    Mary

  2. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
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    836 posts
    4 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    Hope you have fun tonight Em xx
  3. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    4 May 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks for saying that Mary... sometimes I do put too much pressure on myself re the forum. I feel I let everyone down if I don’t reply but sometimes I just need some time switched off.

    The session with the psychiatrist went well, full on as always. He actually said he can see me making some progress which was nice to hear. I spoke about how I feel I don’t deserve to get better and about my dermatillomania. He’s wanting me to set myself some “s.m.a.r.t” goals. He said I don’t need to see my psychologist anymore as he feels I don’t get much from her. And can just work one on one more with him. That made me happy too!

    And im so proud of myself (sounds arrogant) but yesterday I went to my “safe” shopping centre. The one where I can see the exit from the shop. But I couldn’t buy everything I needed. I was driving to my sisters house (for dinner) and was going past a shopping centre that had a shop selling what I needed. A shopping centre where you have to do inside, and then into the shop. I thought to myself “I can do this”. So I went in! All alone! And got what I needed. I did it! Then we were having dinner at my sisters. Dad and my sister wanted to dine at a restaurant but I spoke with my sister earlier in the day and asked if we could just do take away as I don’t like going to new places. I feel safer at her house. Well when I got to her house I again thought “I can do this”. And we went to the restaurant on a busy Thursday night. I know it probably doesn’t sound like much but for me this was huge. Some days I don’t even like leaving the house.

    I think what prompted this was something my psychiatrist told me to consider rather than wanting to get better for positive things (e.g. husband, family) think of all the negative things that could happen if I don’t get better. The positive things are already there. They’re not going anywhere. Whereas the negative things haven’t happened yet. Oh it’s hard to explain. But he made me answer the question and it was like “if I don’t get better I could”...develop full blown agoraphobia, it could cause problems in my relationship with my husband, it would limit the quality of my life. It’s weird to be told to think of the negatives. Has anyone else been told to think that like. Anyway this post has become so long, I’ve hardly answered your questions.

    Yes I have a dog, he’s my best friend and companion, he follows me everywhere. Actually getting new garden beds put in (& a pizza oven).

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    4 May 2018

    Thank you Chloe, Narelle, Mary, Grandy, SN, Amanda and Smallwolf for all your messages and support. My appointment with the psychiatrist was heavy, as always, but also good too. See above message to Mary. Sorry I’ve been off the forum just sometimes need to be switched off. Much love to everyone. Xx

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Guest8901
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest8901 avatar
    1634 posts
    4 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Oh Emmy ... I'm very impressed! To feel some pride in your achievement does not sound arrogant at all. What you managed to do is definitely something to be proud of. I'm proud of you too. You did soooo well.

    Never apologise for taking a break, I think we all understand the need to 'switch off' occasionally. Although we each have our own differing methods of being able to do that. So please continue to do what works for you. I know you'll be back and will catch up when you're able. Which you've just done by the way.

    Enjoy your weekend Ems. I think the weather currently is very conducive to some gardening activities. I hope the new garden beds get up and going quickly. Does that include a vege patch? Or at least a herb garden, from which you can grow your own fresh ingredients for your new pizza oven offerings. Sounds wonderful.

    Amanda

    1 person found this helpful
  6. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
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    5860 posts
    5 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    you have every right to be proud of yourself! its not arrogant at all! very well done, amazing work :)

    it does sound like a heavy session but it also sounded productive. your last part about the negatives rather than the positives does make sense. i think you explained it well and i got the gist of it. its a different way of looking at things for sure.

    i hope todays a good one for you :)

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
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    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    6 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    Good on ya Em, you need some time to yourself too. It's okay if you're not on the forums all the time. How was your day?
    1 person found this helpful
  8. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9346 posts
    6 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    I just want you to know, that you need to look after you first...

    Awe Emmy.. you should be so proud of yourself, wow.I wish I had some of your courage to go to different places...I'm really so proud of you Emmy.

    I won't keep you long but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a really wonderful job..and to thank you for your get well wishes on my thread...Thank you.. I appreciate them and you very much...

    Warm and caring hugs 🤗🤗..oh and a hug fur your little fur buddy..

    Grandy..

  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5880 posts
    6 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Super happy with your post.

    On the forums. They are not going anywhere. So post when you can or need to. You certainly won't be forgotten or ignored. I find that after a session I need timeout, because I then think about what was said and what I have to do before the next session.

    I am curious about the s.m.a.r.t thing though. Can you elaborate?

    Smallwolf

  10. Sapphire*
    Sapphire* avatar
    309 posts
    7 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy.

    Sorry i havent been here in awhile.

    Im super happy and proud of you for going into the shops and dinning out with your family. Thats an amazing effort. What your psychiatrist said makes sense to me too. As im having troubles leaving the house too i should think of the negative impacts of not going out. Might help me too since its helped you 😊

    I too had to research dermatillomania. I just knew it as Skin Picking Disorder. This i have always thought i have but never really thought about treatment or help for it. I think its stuck with me as i have obsessive personality disorder too. Who knows.. Its worse when im in high stress situations. I pick my fingers and back of my neck and jaw line. I have scars along my jaw line and back of neck. Also another thing i do, not sure if its related but i chew the insides of my cheeks and lips. My friends and family often call me out on it. Are you having treatment for this? I didnt realise there was treatments available.

    Hope your having a peaceful night

    💙Sapphire xx

  11. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
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    5860 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    i havent seen you online for a few days so wanted to check in to see how your going?

  12. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Hi Amanda. Thanks for saying you were impressed :) little successes all add up right. Like tonight I went to the cinema with my husband and saw “Avengers: Infinity War”. I only had one panic attack in the cinema. Cinemas have been a trigger for me lately. All the noise and being confined. But I managed and have worked out to take ear plugs. I think it cuts the sound down by about 70%. It’s great!!!

    Love your idea to set up a veggie patch and herb garden to use for the pizzas! I’m so going to do that.

    I’ll come over to your page to say hi and check how you’re doing. Hugs. Xx

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Hi SN. Thanks for your messages and saying that it’s ok to feel proud of myself.

    An interesting thought by my psychiatrist hey to focus on the negatives. So often we are told to look at the positives hey. Perhaps it’s in a way to make me scare myself into action. And maybe it’s working.

    Been off the forum for a couple of days trying to deal with a person in my world who’s causing too much negativity for me. I’ve had to cut all ties with them. Sad but had to be done. Especially when they’re actions starting causing you stress. Which I don’t need.

    How are you getting on hun with your hand? I’ll go onto your thread to see how you are. Thanks for checking in on me. Xx

  14. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Chloe_M
    Thanks Chloe & Grandy for your encouragment. It’s means so much to me. ❤️
  15. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Smallwolf. So my psychiatrist is wanting me to set some goals, to have something to focus on and a bit of purpose. Smart goals means S - Specific M - measurable A - attainable R - repeatable T - timely manner. (And they have to be positive too). I’m see my psychologist tomorrow so will talk about it with her.

    My psychiatrist doesn’t think it necessary I see my psychologist anymore. How do you think I should go about telling her (psychologist) this. I’ve seen her for like 5 years now. Gosh that’s bad hey. 5 years and still struggling. Hope it’s the right thing too. What’s everyone’s thoughts on this?

  16. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9346 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    I hope you are doing okay...I'm sorry I haven't been in for a few days.. sometimes I feel inadequate in writing the right thing..

    Emmy, it's up to you, it's how you feel, but would you feel safe knowing that you cannot talk to your Psych when you need her... it's something I feel you need to think about..I cant get hold of my psych and I feel unsure of me..

    Sweetheart it doesn't matter how long it takes, there is no time frame on getting better, Just take it a day at a time..

    I hope tomorrow is a good day for you..🕊.

    Warm and super caring hugs,🤗🤗🤗.

    Go on The hugs are for everyone,,🤗🤗.

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    Thanks Grandy for saying it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Just feel like a bit of a failure. 5 years is a long time hey. I feel like I want to keep seeing her but why would my psychiatrist say that? I work on all the practical stuff with psychologist. Whereas the psychiatrist is more in depth stuff does that make sense. He speaks to me black and white. Argh I’m confusing myself lol.
  18. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    8 May 2018
    Just got in trouble from my husband for being on the forum :( he reminded me that my psychiatrist told me a while ago not to come on here. May have to take a break again. He seems annoyed with my selfharm, being on here. He said he wants to come into my next session with psychiatrist:( feeling sad. Bye everyone for a while. Needed the support but will have to find it elsewhere. Be more open with family & friends. :( :(
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    8 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    Hi Emmy and others reading, as part of being on the forums, we always encourage members to reflect on the conversations they're having.  Ideally these conversations will be solution-focused, and contributing to making positive changes in your offline life to improve your wellbeing.

    Our research tells us that many health practitioners recommend the forums to their patients as part of a network of supports they might try using.  If your health practitioner is telling you not to use the forums, it's worth reflecting on that conversation and why that advice has been given.

    Are you using the forums as a way of avoiding dealing with issues or communicating in your offline life, rather than using them to enhance your ability to move forward and build connections offline?  

    This is a decision best made by taking the time to reflect on what you want to get out of being here on the forums, and whether those goals are being met.  Like any activity that is heavily engaged in, your forum use may impact on others too so it's worth considering this question from a number of perspectives.
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    9 May 2018 in reply to Sophie_M
    Sorry if I’ve done the wrong thing Sophie
  21. Guest8901
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest8901 avatar
    1634 posts
    9 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Dear Emmy. Dont apologise .. please. You have done nothing wrong by coming back here to the Forums. You obviously felt you needed a safe outlet, which this is. However if your psychiatrist has previously told you that this could be detrimental to your recovery, then please take their advice. He would know best what is right for you, under your unique circumstances.

    I'm sorry your hubby seems annoyed with you. But he plainly loves you to bits, and only wants whats best for you. Forgive him, for what may appear unfair to you, but is meant in your best interests. He is concerned for you Ems, so try to understand that. How would you feel if your positions were reversed - would it upset you if you caught him doing something against his psych's advice?

    I would be selfish in saying 'please dont go'. So for your sake, I hope you are able to find adequate personal support off line. Just as an aside, perhaps now would not be a good time to drop your psychologist by the wayside either. Especially since you have been relying on her now for something like 5 years. Just a thought.

    Take that break Ems, dont hesitate to contact your off line support, please take care. Know that the forums will still be here later if the time is right for you then, in the meantime .. I will miss you. (:

    Amanda

  22. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
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    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    9 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    Good to see you again :)

    Loving having you on the forums but remember that you need time to yourself too. Don't feel pressured to be on here all the time.

    xx Chloe

  23. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9346 posts
    9 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    Not sure if you will read this..

    Please always remember you are so very important, and special, and you have a beautiful soul..Regardless of what ever happens. Please remember how important, loved ,and cared for you are...

    Wishing you all the best wishes I can muster up for you sweetheart, remember your not alone..🐿🌹🌷☘️..

    Warm squishy hugs,

    Grandy..

  24. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
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    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    9 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    No need to apologise. i think both Mandy and Grandy have given some really good points here. i second them. please take care of yourself and reach out for those offline supports. i hope you can come back soon

    oxoxoxoxo

  25. Chloe_M
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    22 May 2018

    Hi Emmy

    Just checking in, haven't seen you in a while and am hoping you're okay.

    If you see this please do not feel pressured to post because i've come looking... just hoping you're okay xx

    <3 chloe x

  26. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    18 July 2018
    I feel so lost in this world. And I can’t turn to my friends or family as I don’t want to burden them. Life is falling apart and I want out. I really hate life.
  27. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Welcome back Emmy :) I've missed you!

    I wish you were in a better head space. I know how you feel though, I've been there and I'm sure many other members have too.

    Have you tried writing a list of what you're thankful for and re-reading it when you feel how you are? You have hubby and a puppy who love you.

    I have Buddy, so you already have one more than me. Not that it's a competition or anything, I just want you to smile :)

    2 people found this helpful
  28. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    19 July 2018

    Hi Emmy

    its great to see you back again though im sorry your struggling

    did you want to tell us abit more about whats happening for you?

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to startingnew
    Thanks SN & Narelle for your messages. Just feel like the weight of the world is too much. I continue to have all the health issues I’m dealing with an it gets me down. It’s like that’s all I do with my life appointment after appointment. Saw my psychiatrist the other day and he nearly admitted me to hospital because of the thoughts I’ve been having. I don’t think I was truly honest with him because if I was I know he’d have admitted me and I just don’t want that. What would my friends and family think. I know no one on here would judge. It feels like I’m sitting her watching life pass me by. Hope you’re both well. I’ll try and get to your threads to check on you both. I know I shouldn’t be on the forum but I feel sometimes like I’ve no where to turn.
  30. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    20 July 2018

    These lyrics...

    Cause I, I will wait for nothing
    And you, you can’t be where I am

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