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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    17 April 2017

    A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

    Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

    As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

    If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

    I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

    Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. BballJ
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    17 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry to read what you are going through.

    My first question is have you seen a psychologist before, I saw your comment about being in a hospital before, was that due to the mental health? What actually happened if you don't mind me asking.

    I understand what you are saying about people seeing looks and not seeing what is on the inside, I guess it's why they say a smile hides all your actual emotions. It sounds like you may be showing the signs of depression and what not when you meet these people, unfortunately along with that many people don't understand it, so see it as a weakness in a person. Do you go out much with friends or anything?

    I know you said it feels a bit better to say it here, that's what these forums are for, venting and getting things off your chest so feel free to do it as much as you want.

    My best for you,

    Jay

    2 people found this helpful
  3. HamSolo01
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    17 April 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Yep ive seen a psychologist before. Ive seen a few. See one atm. I see a psychiatrist too.

    I was in hospital for suicidal thiughts. I had to be the one to check me in.

    I hate the world

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Quercus
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    18 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I just saw your other thread and commented but wanted to finish what I wrote to you here too...

    What have you got in place to manage your anxiety? I know I said something similar on your other thread but it's important. In my experience it can be difficult to start a relationship if your confidence is shattered and you are unhappy in yourself. So my suggestion is take care of yourself first. If that involves seeking help from your GP, psychologist or psychiatrist it is worth it.

    You mentioned worrying about wasting your youth. I can honestly say now at 32 I regret spending so much of my youth ruled by untreated depression and anxiety and not asking for help. I hope you can get the help you need now.

    What do you enjoy doing? I have always found that people are most interested in me when I'm just doing what I love and am passionate about. For me that's gardening. What do you love to do? Is there a way you could share what you enjoy in a way you might meet people you can talk to? Common interests are an easy way to start a conversation I think.

    Anyway I have to sleep so I can work tomorrow but I hope to hear more of your story when you're able.

    Take care and I am hopeful for you even if you can't feel hope for yourself right now 😊

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Wolf8619
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    18 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    hi HamSolo01

    I understand where you are coming from i'm in the same boat as you "As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing".

    my psychologist diagnosed me with conditioning and trauma, I am not sure if you feel the same things i did but i was thinking negatively of myself no self confidence mentally beating myself up etc I was thinking what women wants me I felt useless, I bet you are a wonderful guy to talk to have dreams you want to follow and places to go follow your heart do whats right for you what makes you happy.

    For Unwanted thoughts I decided to identify what was causing those thoughts and it was memories of bad experiences I have anxiety like you and i am also aggressive because i was bullied a lot and having a learning disability, i did not have have a safe method of defending myself so i relied on my share aggression and emotions to keep me safe so I identified the anxiety as the child version of me being frighten, nervous and scared for the Aggression i Identified that as the Hulk version of myself.

    Now because i had identified the the problem and the 2 emotions that problem set off as both of them played of each other, My psychologist then taught me to be able to stand back and look at my emotions anxiety and aggression as if they were standing before me now that i see them I had the ability to use my commonsense and logic to control my emotions, I told both of them or me in a sense is how im feeling work for me no it is not it takes practice to be able to do it.

    The mind is very powerful and you can win against how your feeling to make you feel happier help you feel like you have a purpose be gentle with yourself as i said before I bet your a fantastic guy, Compassionate and caring etc and its those qualities are what women are after 90% of women generally don't worry about looks or whether you are a multimillionaire they care about who you are as a person, Im still looking for my soul mate too so i understand where you are coming from so think positive as your a wonderful guy with outstanding qualities that women love and when you get negative thoughts confront them be gentle and say hey you guys don't work for me take a back seat please.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    18 April 2017

    Quercus - I think you might be on to something there. I need to look at myself better, far better than what I do atm. The problem is I don't know what I love or enjoy. I always get stumped when asked that question... it's weird.

    Wolf8619 - You could be on to something too. Standing aside and just observing the emotions and depressed feelings is something I think I need to do more of. It's easier said than done though. The notion of a "soulmate" is one I don't agree with though, because literally anyone could be your "soulmate" if you feel that way. But I do agree with you in regards to compassion and care being qualities girls like. Thing is though.. nice guys finish last. It sucks but it's true...

    Anyways, thanks :)

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Quercus
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    18 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I'm glad you replied. If you don't know what you love or enjoy maybe that can be your goal for now. To take care of yourself and try new things just for your enjoyment.

    If you can't find enjoyment in anything I really think you need to have a chat to your psychiatrist about your treatment. Maybe the meds need a review or you could try a new therapy.

    I'll share my story in the hope it helps you...when I was at uni I was a mess. The idea of trying new things and going to new places and crowds was overwhelming. So I took small steps. I started reconnecting with friends. Went out socially with friends I trusted. A cafe. The library. The beach. For a walk. Friend's houses. Had friends over to watch dvds. I didn't deal well with clubs etc so we went to a quiet pub. Went on rural roadtrips. Small gatherings of friends. As I got more comfortable I met friends of friends. Went to quiz nights. Tried some of my friends hobbies.

    The key was accepting that there is nothing wrong with doing things slowly and needing to feel comfortable before I could take a risk. The other was accepting that I am worth taking care of (I still struggle with this) that I need to work on being confident in myself.

    I met my husband on the internet. My friends said it was dangerous. I was so guarded of myself I told him I wasn't interested in (and couldn't deal with) meeting a stranger so he would have to be patient or not to bother at all. We wrote about every topic over months. I was brutally honest about everything. I wanted someone to want me for myself. And he was patient. Eventually we met and it was surprisingly easy because he wasn't a stranger he was my friend.

    I'm familiar with that worry about being alone and 'left on the scrap heap'. You are young and you'll meet someone. But right now my advice is focus on you. Focus on being comfortable in your own skin and finding your passions. Enjoy your friends. Take care of yourself first.

    Sorry for the saga I'm in a weird mood today. Hope to hear you are feeling better soon 😊

    2 people found this helpful
  8. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    18 April 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Generally you are right. This year I have tried to do that, but I've found myself withdrawing more than I have ever done. I guess I'm just sick of feeling this way. I like what you said about accepting that taking things slowly is okay, being comfortable before taking risks. The whole "I'm young and I'll meet someone" seems like such a throw away (no offense) because I still feel like it's too late. I'm trying to concentrate on graduation so that I can get out of the university environment because I feel like that's a source of my problems.. It takes forever to achieve very little. I feel like 4 years is too long. I spoke to a good friend about this and she was saying that it's likely I'll still have to deal with problems. Which I think is accurate, but at least it's a new set of problems. Graduate roles creep me out too I've begun to realise, it's like my world has just changed in the space of 3 months. I no longer have interest in what I study... I'm just doing it to graduate. That's it. It's really dark actually. I thought this stuff was my passion and my interest but I'm beginning to realise it may not be... Nothing worse than having shit happen and it throws you off your mark. The line of work/study I'm in pretty much requires me to stick my neck out and that's something I simply can not do at this point...
    Anyway I'm moping on now.
    Thanks for listening :)
    1 person found this helpful
  9. BballJ
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    18 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    The amount of people who spend 3, 4, 5 + years studying in a certain field and then never ever get a job in that field is quite high I reckon. Just because you have studied it, doesn't mean you are locked into that career. The good thing is, having that degree always gives you something to fall back on and that should be viewed as positive. I know the whole "you're young, you'll meet someone" may seem like a little cop out but I do believe it is true, I know many people going into their 30's who are still single. You never ever know when you'll meet the one either.

    Vent as much as you like as well, if it makes you feel better then that's what these forums are for.

    My best,

    Jay

  10. Quercus
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    18 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I'm sorry if I offended you with my comment about being young. It wasn't intended to belittle how you're feeling. I just remembered being your age and feeling like I was wasting my life away at uni and watching everyone else have fun and enjoy life. But in hindsight 9 years later I wish I'd worried less and focused on my own health instead. I suppose if I didn't have a stable relationship I'd feel different though so I apologise.

    I stayed in my degree and finished it although it wasn't the field for me too. A lot of employers just care that you have a relevant degree so please don't think your hard work is for nothing. I think I keep coming back to focus on yourself. What do you want to do? While you're still at uni it might be worth going to the career counsellor to talk you through your options.

    I have to head off to work but I'll talk more when I can. Take care of yourself.

  11. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    19 April 2017

    Thanks for you help people.

    To be honest at times it is best to soak up the depression. Let it hit you like a buss. Just absorb it up and soak it up like a sponge. Then when the time is right you can wring it out. In moments like these there's nothing you can do because you don't trust yourself. There's no point seeking help because you start disagreeing with all of it. The best thing to do is shut up and let it hit you head on. These past few weeks I feel like I've been trying to hide from it. But maybe, just maybe by accepting that it can hit me I will be better for it in the long run. It may take a few weeks but I think it's time I really just copped the whole of it. I've only ever been suicidal when I try to run from my depression/anxiety, because to me that is an option of getting away from it. I still think life itself is okay. It's not wonderful, but it's not terrible either. Just seems like it's more of the latter at the moment is all. Maybe by letting it hit me it will mould me some more. It will break me where I need to be broken and build me up. I really don't know though because my options are running out..

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Quercus
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    19 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow your last post has me stunned. I'm envious of your bravery. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by my depression so the idea of just letting it hit you and try to hold on terrifies me. But I'm also very worried about you at the same time.

    You are an adult and the choice to get and accept help has to be your decision. We are here to talk whatever you decide to do. But my advice would be to call your GP or psychiatrist first and tell them what's happening so that there is someone aware and able to help you if you get overwhelmed.

    You said you can still see that there are good things in the world.... Do you think you could try pick something small every day to do that is just for you to bring you some enjoyment? Like go for a walk or take a new book and sit in the sun and read it. Just simple things. I don't know if it will help you but I find it gives me a small measure of peace to do something every day that is just for me to remind me that I deserve to be happy.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    19 April 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus

    Thanks again for your reply. I appreciate it a lot, I really do :)

    I rang lifeline today and spoke to them. Basically figured out that I need to tell my folks about how bad it is at the moment. Going to work on what to say. Told my mum that I wanted to speak to both of them about it. I find it's best to prepare them for that. But I need to make sure I tell them JUST how bad it can get (And indeed is at the moment)

    Picking small things each day is a good idea. Today I went to ServiceNSW (to get a driving record for a graduate opportunity) and the chemist to get my meds. Basically I just have a list of things to get through. That takes my focus off of the depression. I started watching a new show too. Going to get some reading done as well. I figured that while things are bad at the moment, use that time to focus on me. Focus on doing things for me that are good, things that have the potential to help me. I think it's just a process of that for now.
    Also going to try organising something with 3 friends (dinner at the pub or something idk). Doesn't sound like much, but it's a big step in the right direction too. I've deleted all the dating apps (tinder, okcupid etc) because that wasn't helping my self esteem (no response I felt terrible, a response I felt on top of the world)... The high it gave was so not worth it.

    I can already see that I'm up for a challenge. There will be tears and pain, but it's all for the better.

    I'll keep you updated. Thanks again.

    Peace :)

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Quercus
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    19 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sounds like calling the helpline has helped you! You sound a lot more hopeful in your last post it is fantastic to read that.

    Telling your family honestly how you are feeling is another great step forwards. I hope to hear it went well and that you have some more support around you.

    It's such a good thing to hear you are taking your own needs seriously and putting things in place to take care of yourself.

    Also your idea about the apps seems like a sound idea too. When I was at my worst at uni (first major depression) I started a relationship with a friend and we were both pretty messed up and hated ourselves for various reasons. It felt pretty awful to know I was using him to learn that not all men are abusive and that he was using me to build up his low self esteem and figure out his sexuality. We may have learnt from eachother but we both ended up pretty hurt by the time we worked out you can't build a relationship on that. So my point is that I find it a really positive thing you are doing for yourself long term to sort out yourself first and make your mental health a priority over the desire for a relationship.

    I hope you feel able to let us know how you progress and if you work out things that help you.

    Hopeful for you 😊

  15. Spearmint
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    19 April 2017

    Hi Ham, Sorry to hear of your struggles.

    I understand that it's frustrating & painful to not meet those relationship/physical intimacy milestones at the same time that other people around you have. You are not alone in this & I hope that you take some comfort in that. I know quite a few people who didn't have any intimate contact until well into adult life.

    Despite physical attractiveness, social anxiety can make very it hard & the more you feel like you are "behind" the more out of reach it seems, then you end up putting more pressure on yourself & the situation which becomes a cycle.

    I also felt way behind when it came to having a relationship compared to my friends & I struggled badly with social anxiety. It wasn't until I had given up hope that I randomly met someone who was patient enough to get to know me, for me to feel comfortable & to climb the walls I had built up around myself. I thought it would never happen & it caused me a lot of stress.

    Without the pressure of intimacy, how do you go talking to girls in general? Do you have much social contact with the girls that go to your uni?

    Good on you for having a go at putting yourself out there, instead of seeing it as a failure see it as practice. The more pressure you are putting on yourself to achieve an outcome, the more strained your interactions & anxiety will be. If you instead take sex off the table & focus on trying to find women you can connect & become comfortable around.

    That age is hard, girls do still tend to go for bad boys although not always. As they get older & have had experiences being treated badly, they no longer are willing to put up with crap. Women then usually begin to look for men who will treat them with respect but are also confident & secure within themselves. I think nice guys get a bad wrap, I don't think it's necessarily the nice part that's the problem but if they allow themselves to be walked all over and generally have a "spineless" vibe, that is the quality that leaves men in the friend zone.

    My advice to you is to discover who you are & to do what you can to get in a healthy head space & develop self confidence. (easier said than done I know) . Keep practicing having interactions with women so you can learn to become more comfortable around them but try not to allow rejection to be taken personally.

    Like other people have said here, taking care of yourself & your mental health is paramount.

    Take care, try not to be so hard on yourself.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. BballJ
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    20 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow, calling the helpline really did you wonders, telling your parents is a great, great idea and getting them on your side and supporting you will help a lot I think. A big part of recovery is having a support network around you weather friends or family or both. Have you also considered telling a close friend to gain there support?

    I also highly agree with your list of stuff to do and slowly getting them done, there is no race to run and doing them at your pace is the best thing. I do a lot of distracting tasks to take the mind of my mental health issues as well, weather it be being with family or friends, talking to people, doing work etc Getting rid of the dating apps is a good idea, it's all superficial and really does more harm than good so I like that idea. You really do seem to be on the fence and getting back to a healthy happy lifestyle. You can do it, just keep reminding yourself of where you want to be - write it down even and have it as a goal.

    May I ask, what TV show have you started watching? I wouldn't mind a new one to start watching.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  17. HamSolo01
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    20 April 2017

    Spearmint - hey, you are dead on when you say "Despite physical attractiveness, social anxiety can make very it hard & the more you feel like you are "behind" the more out of reach it seems, then you end up putting more pressure on yourself & the situation which becomes a cycle."

    I find talking to girls in general is fine, and that's an improvement considering I went to a co-ed high school but had no female friends. I was in the nerdy/christian/loser crowd (despite the fact it was a christian school... i was still in the nerdy group lol). When I went to uni, I remember resolving that I would make new friends who were female (I knew enough dudes and I was sick of it.) I'm glad I did, I've met a number of females and it's helped a hell of a lot. Except the thing is I'm still too shy to approach ones I find attractive. Happens EVERY semester. I see a gorgeous girl in the same class but I don't act on it. What pesters me even more is when people say I must have it good. Just because I'm tall. Honestly it's not the 50s lol.

    There have been 2 or 3 instances where something could've happened but it just fizzled out because I was too shy to do anything, too apprehensive, too worried. Just screwed me up, one girl told me that mental health issues weren't even a thing. Anyway, I'm in my last semester now and I feel like the clock has run out and it's all over for me. I keep hearing that uni is the best time to meet new people. Maybe in the 80s it was. But in this day and age no one is interested because of the typical social justice warrior culture. There's that whole 'he could be a creep vibe' that guys need to jump past. I think I can do that but it's like. Once I do I dunno how to flirt etc.

    Having said all that I've started to just own my decisions. Being honest with myself is the start. I need to realise that in this day and age it's not so much who you've slept with but it's how you own the decisions you make. I don't think people are dirty for hooking up. The simple thing is I'm not into it. That's my choice. Either you respect it or you can rack off lol. But then of course no one wants to be alone. In the end all I can do is have a faint hope that one day something impossible will happen and I'll meet someone who ticks all the boxes. Until then I'm just going to focus on fixing myself and respecting myself. I'm hitting up the gym. Regular psych appointments. Focusing on uni. Focusing on tutoring. Just doing what's gotta be done.
    Thanks :)

  18. Quercus
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    20 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Just butting in for a second to be a cheer squad of one 😊

    I saw how you wrote...

    "I'm just going to focus on fixing myself and respecting myself. I'm hitting up the gym. Regular psych appointments. Focusing on uni. Focusing on tutoring. Just doing what's gotta be done."

    And I cheered for you! It's so good to see you in a better more hopeful place.

    The gym is a great idea! Even better is if you join a gym that you can keep going to once you finish uni. The benefit of becoming a regular is that you'll meet other regulars at the gym and hopefully make some new friends over time.

    Don't worry about who people thought you were at school. It's all past. There's nothing wrong with being nerdy or Christian (I'm both actually haha) 😊 and you are most definately not a loser and funnily enough neither am I.

    Cheering for you 😊 Take care

  19. Spearmint
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    20 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Good on you, it sounds like you really are making great, healthy choices for yourself, you should be very proud of yourself. Being that you can talk to women in general is a really good sign, that is already a big step in the right direction.

    I'm not into the whole hook up culture either, it was never for me.

    Having a real connection with someone is kind of rare so don't be thrown off by rejections, it's almost lifes way of weeding out the people who aren't right for you. If you have a real connection with someone, they're not going to scare off so easily unless they're carrying baggage from past relationships, etc.

    I wouldn't even really try too hard at flirting if it doesn't feel comfortable and natural to you plus you don't want to come off as sleazy. Slow it down and try to just get to know girls you're attracted to without freaking out about having to make a move. Focus on trying to develop a friendship with a girl you're attracted to first, that way you can learn to become comfortable around someone you have a spark with, then when you feel safe to move forward then you can at your own pace.

    It's lucky you didn't end up with the girl that thinks mental health issues aren't real. Just a tip, just because you're attracted to someone, doesn't mean they are a healthy person for you. Make sure you consciously choose someone who is right for you.

    Also remember that there are a lot of women out there who are just as anxious talking to men as you are to them. What are the types of women you are going for? I ask because I have heard a lot of nice guys complain about women wanting bad boys when they themselves are chasing the wild, confident, party girls and not getting anywhere so it's pretty much the same thing haha.

    You need to stop believing that this is something that is impossible, your brain has a way of making your beliefs a reality. If you believe it's impossible, your brain will block you so to speak and make you feel more anxious during interactions, it becomes self fulfilling.

    I think you will be fine, if you just take the pressure off yourself, believe that it is possible for you, keep working on yourself, it will happen in time.

    Good luck!

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Quercus
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    24 April 2017 in reply to Spearmint

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Just popping by to see how you're feeling. Did you manage to have the discussion with your family? How did it go?

    I hope you're feeling a bit better in yourself focusing on yourself. How are you going with the gym?

    Anyway just hoping you are well. Take care 😊

  21. HamSolo01
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    25 April 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey

    Thanks for your check in

    I did speak to them yes. Need to look into family-based therapy. Considering I live at home it's best if it becomes an environment conducive to understanding each other.

    I'm feeling relatively better. The whole relationship thing still bugs me on a deep level, but deleting the apps helped. Sometimes I just need to shut away the world. I plan on hitting up the gym again soon, haven't been for close to a week but then that's life - weekend was rough and ANZAC day today too.

    The loneliness I feel on a daily basis is to be expected. Just need to soak it up some days.

    But yeh, thanks for checking in. :)

    Peace

  22. Quercus
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    25 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi again 😊

    You're sounding a little low again compared to your previous postive and upbeat posts. Are you really doing ok?

    I'm glad you spoke to your family and hope you're getting more support there.

    On another thread a member said something about your dreams being just as hungry as your demons and I was wondering what are your dreams for your future? You've almost finished uni what kind of job or work experience would you enjoy? Would you take time off and travel?

    I'm glad you have plans to hit the gym but how did your other plans go? Did you go out with your friends? Why was the weekend so rough? Just ignore me if you don't want to answer anything ok.

    I get where you're coming from about wanting to shut out the world (I get like that and won't leave the house for days sometimes) but it has never helped me. What does help is to make appointments and plans in advance to force myself out of the house. My friend asked me at uni once if you are lonely what are you doing about helping yourself? It was a harsh question but very true.

    So my idea for you today... (Just ignore me if it's crap)... Write a list of all the activites you would like to do or try and slowly work on them. Be as random as possible. Try something different. At my local library there is a poster with free events for the year. I want to go to the introduction to beekeeping talk. And today I took the kids for a bush walk through a nature reserve with an old train tunnel. We took torches and explored. There were so many people there riding bikes or walking.

    I'm thinking of you and hoping you can get back into your positive space soon. Have you read the thread "do you love yourself?" I'm finding it really helpful to read.

    Take care HamSolo01.

  23. BballJ
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    25 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Quercus has asked some really great question above so I do hope you may be able to answer some of them.

    I like the idea of family based counselling, having a strong support network is huge especially within your own home, have that openness to talk to your family about stuff is a great asset to have.

    The loneliness will come and go, I have been there before as well, it can feel so low but keep working on getting yourself better and you will find things may start looking up for you in turn.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  24. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    26 April 2017 in reply to Quercus

    I'd take time to travel but I need money for that. So my focus on is making it and then spending it on a holiday. Haven't been overseas since 2009 because I've had no money. I've had no money because I haven't had the ability to work enough (because uni is stupid with their timetabling and my anxiety/depression was/is through the roof)

    That whole forcing myself out of the house really does help. I try to at least do SOMETHING each day. Even if it's basic, but lately I've found each day is filled with something. Keeping myself busy is the trick I think. Lists are also really good.

    I haven't read the "do you love yourself" thread. Where is it? sounds like it would help

    thanks again

  25. Quercus
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    26 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    The thread I mentioned is in

    Forums / Staying well / Do You Love Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

    The staying well section has a lot of excellent threads to keep your spirits up and get some good ideas. I hope it helps you too.

    Travel doesn't have to be overseas (just a thought). At uni we car pooled and all chipped in and did trips to different areas in WA. Camped a lot and listened to a lot of music. Went to lots of beaches. Met loads of people who were also travelling on the cheap. I loved it.

    You said you have some good friends who you are comfortable with so why not make plans to explore your own backyard 😊.

    As for lists that is a great idea! What about a bucket list sort of thing where you list all the experiences you want out of life. You said you get down about not having a relationship but that's no reason not to enjoy your life. You have friends and family and people who love you so rope them in to have fun with you 😊

    Start out by ticking off small things and work up to adventurous if you feel like it. My list would include lots of things like have a bonfire and toast marshmallows with the kids, go fishing, try a new bushwalk, have a waterballoon fight in a park, learn a music instrument..... What about you?

    God my mood swings are nuts. Was so down yesterday and now all positive. I know which mood I like better 😊

  26. Quercus
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    26 April 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Haha you've inspired a new thread! I made it. Hope you can think of some ideas too 😊

    Forums / Staying well / Let's find the JOY in life!

  27. BballJ
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    26 April 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Hamsolo01,

    Firstly, quality posts from Quercus, I see you two are clicking which is great.

    Just wanted to add in my 2 cents for what they are worth, I like Quercus' idea of getting some friends and travelling in your own backyard... there are many great places to visit in this great country and heck just a weekend away camping and fishing and being around nature can be so good for your health, mentally and physically. I like the list idea too.

    Keep your head up as much as possible and try to remain as positive as you can.

    My best,

    Jay

    2 people found this helpful
  28. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    28 April 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Well if i had friends who i could trust and had a decent car to do both of those with then i would... and money too... like these things dont come free. I swear all anyone suggests is just ill-thought out solutions.

    Then again maybe I haven't been too clear myself idk..

    Put it this way. There's only so much hope for a depressed 23 year old male virgin graduating from uni with an arts degree that took 4 years to complete. I'll probably end up forced into a shit job I hate because I didn't take the opportunities as they came to me at uni because i was too shy or anxious to do anything about it despite the fact that I can overcome it I still didn't - it was too uncomfortable.

    So while your suggestions are probably helpful for the vast majority of people who deal with this, don't make blatant suggestions about what will work like car trips and holidays... Be realistic or I'll not even bother coming on here...

    1 person found this helpful
  29. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    28 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Hamsolo,

    I remember seeing you on in the Friends Cafe. As you may know, I'm 25 and I graduated a few years ago but went back to try an honours degree

    I dunno mate, you sound pretty beat up about what the future holds for you. It's okay to feel that way, but it still hurts really badly to think about.

    In the early part of my degree I really tried meeting lots of girls too. I came from a male only school so...yeah. I was pretty sick of guys, lol. But I'm pretty shy too so things just didn't work out and I kind of gave up.

    Anyway, my point is I get where you're coming from. I know it doesn't make it easier for you that someone else gets you, but 3 years on, I'm still here trying to find my way through. Recently single and wanting to get out of my job, but at least I now know that banking isn't for me.

    The thing that worked for me, and which you seem to be doing, is just to do stuff. Anything that you can do. We miss opportunities all the time - I majorly f'd up a relationship hence why Im' single now, and missed a few good job opps too - but they will keep coming.

    The more we do stuff, the more opportunities come up. So it's great that you're hitting the gym and even that you're deleting the apps. I think that shows you're trying to get control back over your life and eventually good things will come from that. But it does require the hard work that you've been putting in, so keep it up.

    Sorry I can't be more specific, but I really feel like you're on the right path by trying to test things yourself, and we can be here to support you and help you think through things.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Quercus
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    28 April 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow.

    Firstly, I get your point and part of me is glad that you're being open and actually writing when I say something that upsets you. This is your thread and if you need to vent than this is the place to say what you feel.

    I am genuinely sorry if you feel like I'm just throwing thoughtless advice at you. I am just trying to help you feel better about yourself and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I've made you feel worse.

    The other part of me needs to point out something that is equally important. Every word on here (yours and others) comes from a person who is equally as real and vulnerable as yourself. So when you lash out in future can you please stop for a second and see if what you're writing could really hurt others? Not a nice thing to say to you I'm sorry but necessary. I have depression too (and a history of being abused by a man) so when you lashed out and wrote:

    don't make blatant suggestions about what will work like car trips and holidays... Be realistic or I'll not even bother coming on here...

    That really upset me because I'm doing the best I can and the way that was worded made me feel threatened.

    I hope we can move forward. I hope you keep talking and keep seeking help and support.

    Ok. Practical advice. You sound really angry and upset. Have you got an appointment with your psychologist? It sounds like it's time to check in with them or your GP. I'm a bit frazzled I can't remember... Are you on medication? How are they working for you?

    I need to get offline for a bit. Got to take my kids for a playdate. I will write more when I'm home. Please take care of yourself HamSolo01 and I am truly sorry for upsetting you.

    1 person found this helpful

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